Rock Dirty (Rock Candy #2) (16 page)

Nothing made sense, nothing was a good choice. Leaving her would feel like cutting off my damn arm, but I didn’t want to watch her tailspin. I’d seen it happen before with other musicians. You saw them party as hard as anyone and then they’d get thin, forget to eat, be too plastered to talk much at all or at least not say anything you could understand. Then there’d be the 911 calls until the final one, where they couldn’t be saved because no adrenaline shot could get them back.

She was on the same path and it scared the ever-loving shit out of me.

I was out of my depth times a million.

“It’s beautiful at night, isn’t it?” she said as we walked to the large circular pool in the center of Tuileries Garden.

People were around, but it wasn’t nearly as bustling as it would be in the morning and afternoon. I led her to the pool and we both looked up at the water jumping out of its center, its own fake geyser. It was beautiful to watch.

“I want you to have a happy birthday, Nik,” I said, before singing her the Happy Birthday song. It was odd. I’d been in a million concerts by now, everywhere from stadiums to night clubs, but with her, it felt harder, like I couldn’t afford to mess up even a little. I had my biggest performance right now, trying to convince her that the world was just worth it, that it was worth getting help. When I finished, I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. “So,” I added after this. “Was it alright?”

“You know you’re an amazing singer, don’t you, Tucker?” she asked, for the first time tonight really focusing on me. “I don’t know why it was always Liam Collier before.”

“He was just the front man. It was what he was best at, and I liked being the behind-the-scenes guy more. Besides, I’ve given the beat or been the back-up vocals. Besides, you’re biased. Maybe you’re hearing what you want because of us and not because of my actual talent. I could try and go solo, but Liam was always better.”

She leaned up and kissed me, her passion promising so many things when we got back to the hotel later tonight. “I don’t believe that, not at all.”

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Nikki

I passed out soon after we got back to Tucker’s hotel. It was dumb. I was dumb. Everything that had happened last night had been all my fault. I let my mother get to me like she always does. No matter how much Hermes had promised he’d be kind to me and keep me safe, and no matter how amazing Tucker had been coming after me on the Eiffel Tower’s railing, I’d still managed to make a massive ass of myself. Even after all of that and our fight, Tucker, my rock star, had sung so sweetly to me at the Tuileries Garden. It was just the usual happy birthday song but in his sweet tenor and with his eyes gazing into mine, it had felt like we were the only two people on the planet. After that, we should have come home and made passionate love.

I wish we had, because I’d wanted that reassurance. That connection to him.

But I’d come home and fallen onto the bed. The next thing I remembered was blinking awake with the sunlight in my eyes, pouring through the window next to the bed.

Tucker was beside me, snoring softly. Groaning quietly, I dragged myself to the bathroom. My right leg was still wrapped with a torn section of Tucker’s t-shirt. It was brown and crusted now, almost as hard as cardboard from where it had soaked up the blood from my wound. I rifled through the medicine cabinet and pulled out some hydrogen peroxide. God bless hotels that kept things on hand for any emergency. Pulling off the makeshift bandage, I winced when I saw the crusted blood all over my leg. I was pretty sure I didn’t need stitches or it wouldn’t have stopped bleeding last night on its own. As I wiped peroxide over it, I shuddered as it burned over my calf, making the crusted blood bubble and slough off.

The skin underneath looked pretty normal and the cuts had scabbed over. That was a relief.

I took a hot shower to clean off, but made it a quick one.

I wanted to get back to Tucker.

I needed to thank him.

Slipping out of the shower, I toweled off just enough to make sure that I was dry. I looked in the mirror and brushed my wet hair behind my shoulders. Then I went back into the bedroom. I slipped under the covers until I had my hands cupped around his balls. I played with them, just moving them back and forth between my thumb and forefingers. Leaning lower, I exhaled, blowing out a shock of warm air, enough to let him know how close to his shaft I truly was. He muttered to himself and pulled the covers back off of my head. He was grinning down at me, that lopsided smile enticing me on.

“Well, Nik, this is certainly a way to start the day.”

I readied my palm, licking it a bit since I wasn’t in a position to grab lube, and wrapped it around his soft length. His dick wasn’t hard yet, but give me a bit of time to play with his balls and stroke his shaft and he would be. His skin was smooth, like velvet under my hand, and as I stroked his soft cock, I also massaged his balls, feeling them grow tighter in my grip.

Tucker moaned and ran his hands through my hair, tangling his fingers in with my long strands and tickling my scalp with his motions.

“God, Nik, the things you do to me.”

Maybe, but it was a bit confusing. I’d moved on to lapping at his head, my tongue flicking on the sensitive tip of his penis. Although I could taste the salty promise of precum, he wasn’t getting harder. That was so weird. So far, I’d only have to touch him and he’d be more than ready for me. Frowning, I squeezed his balls harder as I wrapped my lips around his cock. I stroked the underside with my tongue, playing with the seam.

But nothing happened.

Confused, I broke away to look up at him. His eyes were open wide and he was clenching his jaw, as if he were trying to concentrate hard. That should be the last thing on his mind. This wasn’t trying to solve some Calculus problem. It should happen naturally, especially between us, since we hadn’t been able to keep our hands off each other so far.

“Is everything okay?”

“I…yeah, maybe I just need a break.”

Reluctantly, I pulled away and sat up next to him. “I don’t understand. Was that not good?”

“It felt amazing, but I guess I have a lot of things on my mind. I don’t mean to…but I think we just need to take a break for a few minutes.”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I looked back at him. “Is it band stress?”

He sighed and rolled over onto his side. “I wouldn’t call it ‘band stress’ actually.”

“Then what would you call it? I’m really confused.”

Tucker ignored me at first and just pulled the comforter over his shoulders and up to his chin. “Nik, just drop it. I don’t think it’s that important.”

“It must be pretty damn important,” I said, pulling the comforter back down. “It must be the most massively important thing on your mind right now if it’s keeping you from getting hard when I’m licking you. So I want to help you. You’ve helped me so much in the last few days that I need to help you. Whatever’s on your mind, you can tell me, I promise. So, you should feel free to just unload on me. I can be that for you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbled.

Reaching down, I cupped his chin so he’d look me in the eyes. “I do. Please. This relationship can’t be equal if we don’t share. It’s not just about me using you, I swear. So, I’m begging you, please tell me what’s going on. Why are you so upset?”

“We really shouldn’t get into this,” he deflected, sliding out of bed and heading to the bathroom. “Look, I’m getting a shower and then we can grab breakfast. That sounds like a fair deal, right?”

“No, now you’re just running out of excuses and being pathetically transparent. I’m sick of this. I need to know and I need to know now?” Even as I asked, my voice was shaking. Because despite everything I’d asked him, I knew what was wrong. I knew it.

Me. I was what was wrong.

Tucker shook his head and threw up his hands. “I didn’t want to say it. God, but you always push, Nik. What do you think my problem is? I’m serious. What could possibly be fucking with my head this badly?” he said, gesturing vaguely toward his hips.

It felt like I’d swallowed glass. It hurt to breathe because there was no denying the truth of his words. They were as intense as his gaze and the ragged breaths he was taking.

“You’re having problems because of me?”

“Because I’m worried about you. It’s hard to just shove that aside in my brain and go at it. Can you even understand that?”

I leapt to my feet and started pacing by the bed. “So basically now you’re blaming me for what? Making you impotent?”

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying that I didn’t sleep worth a damn last night. I kept having nightmares about the Eiffel Tower. I kept seeing you fall the wrong way and hit the pavement or your leg getting infected or the guards attacking me as I was trying to get to you. But the worst ones, the ones that kept making me sit up panting, were the ones of you doing a real swan dive. Nikki, you could have died! And I don’t know what kind of
relationship
you were referring to earlier, but we’re not in a relationship, certainly not one that makes me willing to take on all your shit!”

My head snapped back at his blunt statement.

He was right. I’d been in total denial about my problem. I could have died last night. I’d already known it, felt it, but it was confirmed for me in the crazed fear in Tucker’s gaze. The fear that I’d put there.

I was a fucked up mess just like I’d been told my whole life. It was why everyone I’d ever cared about had abandoned me. All my lovers and friends, even my own father. I knew it was always on me.

But I couldn’t admit that to him. Not to this gorgeous man who didn’t want to take on my shit. So…

I deliberately shut it all down. My emotions. My feelings for him. My latent hope that I hadn’t even realized I’d harbored, that we were building some kind of relationship, maybe one that would mean he wouldn’t leave me. I shut it all down and concentrated on the exact thing that Tucker apparently wanted for me.

I concentrated on surviving.

“I’m sorry, Tucker. You’re right,” I said quietly. “You didn’t sign on for my shit. We were about some fun sex in a bathroom or tooling around Paris. That’s all.”

“Nikki, that’s not what I said—”

He reached out for me and I backed away. Swiped up my underwear and dress—God! It was all I had to wear—and walked to the bathroom. “Just let me get dressed, Tucker, and then I’ll get out of here.”

“Damn it, Nikki!” he said, but I shut the bathroom door and locked it. Then I got dressed as fast as I could.

When I came out, Tucker was standing by the window, looking out at the view of Paris.

I studied him for a minute, wanting to imprint his image on my brain to take out in all the lonely years ahead of me.

Hey, I once rocked Paris with Tucker Benning
, I’d tell my grandkids. But then it dawned on me, the way I was headed, I probably would never have grandkids.

Choking back a sob, I smiled at Tucker who was now staring at me.

“Nikki…” he began softly. And I could see it there. Written on his face.

He knew I planned on leaving. And he was going to let me.

“Goodbye, Tucker Benning. It’s been a pleasure meeting you and I really mean that. Please, don’t let Liam’s dreams wreck your own. I know he’s your friend and you love him, but you’re an amazing musician and a wonderful singer and you deserve the best.”

He frowned, then started toward me, but before he’d taken more than three steps, I threw open the hotel door and walked out. On my way to the elevator, I kept waiting for him to call my name or grab my arm to stop me.

But he never did.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Tucker

I’d been in Paris for over a week, consumed by the whirlwind that was Nikki Lorenz, and ever since she’d left my hotel room two days ago, I hadn’t been able to sleep. Not a wink. Soon, I’d be back in the States, and I was hoping that would change, starting on the plane.

When it was time for me to check out of my hotel, I shoved my few belongings in my duffle bag and headed straight for the airport. I fought the urge to pull over and find Nikki the entire way.

I had to put distance between us. I had to concentrate on me. She’d be okay. Despite how tough her mom was on her, surely her mom would help her. And if not her, that guy Hermes. Plus, when I was gone, there would be no more distractions and Nikki would focus on her shoes and her career. I just hoped the show went well. Because if it didn’t…

But I couldn’t think about that. I wouldn’t.

Of course, hours and hours later, when I was back in New York, waiting for my flight to LA, I was still thinking about it.

Turns out my next move found me. After almost a week of radio silence, Liam called me again. He led with an apology for throwing the band into a tailspin and said he wanted to talk. I blurted out that I was at the airport and asked him to meet me for lunch at a café outside of Central Park. He agreed instantly, and before he hung up, he promised he had a game plan that included plans to finish our world tour and working toward our fourth album.

What a fucking relief.