Rock Bottom (10 page)

Chapter Twenty-one

“Can we go to your place?”

“It’s Wednesday, Ry. If you spend any more time in the ‘weight room’, they’re going to start expecting you to look like the Terminator. I know they’re clueless, but don’t you think your parents will catch on eventually?”

I would have been insulted by his lack of desire to be with me if he didn’t look as conflicted saying it as I felt hearing it. He was right, of course. I’d made up track related excuses nearly every night for the past week-and-a-half to spend time at Elijah’s. My parents might have been gullible, but they weren’t complete idiots. I had a good thing going and I shouldn’t push it, but still . . .

The thought of going a full twenty-four hours before I could go to Elijah’s to get high was almost unbearable. It was getting harder and harder to quiet the voices, silence the guilt and remorse. It seemed the harder I tried to fight it, the more the guilt grew, gnawing on my insides like a ravenous beast. And the more time I spent with my parents the louder the voices got. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go that long without relief. I’d lose it.

“I need my own stash, Elijah.”

“What?”

“My own . . .” I glanced around to be sure we wouldn’t be overheard, but the lot was practically vacant, “pot. You showed me how to roll it myself. I just need my own supplies.”

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.” Elijah’s mouth grew tight.

“Why?”

“I just . . . I prefer you to smoke with me, that’s all.”

Irritation flared. “I’m not a child, Elijah. I don’t need a damn chaperone.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. I just like to know how much you’re using.”

“Oh, that’s rich. Do you only use when I’m around? Do you report your usage back to someone else? This is such bullshit.”

“I’m trying to look out for you, Ry.”

“You’re trying to keep me dependent on you,
Eli.
” I stressed the usage of the name he hated to hear from me and it had the sting I meant for it to. He winced, but I pressed on despite the guilt compounding inside of me. I needed a break from it. My parents, Carrie, and now Elijah? I
needed
this. “Forget it. I’m not dependent on anyone. I’ll go to Rafe and get it myself.”

“No.” Elijah gritted his teeth in frustration. “Dammit, Ry, I’ll get it for you. I don’t want you near Rafe without me there. Okay?”

“You’ll get it for me?”

He didn’t look thrilled about it, but he said, “Yeah,” and that’s all that mattered to make me happy in that moment.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I jumped up and threw my arms around his neck. “Can we go right now?”

“You want to go
now
?”

“I’m going to need it for tonight if I can’t be with you and, like you said, I should probably get home soon.”

Elijah’s shoulders sagged and he ran a hand through his beautiful long locks. “Fine. But you stay in the car.”

“Okay.” I would have agreed happily to pretty much anything he said.

He took For.Ev.Er, but when he remerged from Rafe’s house, he handed me a bag and some rolling papers.

“That’s a quarter bag. It should last you a while. But, Ry . . .” He waited until he had my complete attention, which wasn’t easy to give him with a bag of weed in my hand. “Take it easy with that shit, okay?”

“Yeah. Of course.” What the hell did he think, I was gonna go home and smoke the whole thing without him there to babysit me?
Jeez
.

I was still contemplating stopping for eye drops and air freshener when Elijah dropped me off at my car back at school.

“Thanks, babe. I owe you.”

He accepted the kiss I offered, but the concern was still lingering in his eyes when we broke apart. It hurt to see. I just wished he’d have a little more faith in me.

“Don’t forget your parents are in that house. Open a damn window and
be careful
. I don’t want to lose you to a couple of prison wardens over this.”

That’s
what he was concerned about? The hurt dissipated and I smiled at him. “You’ll never lose me, Elijah Prince. I love you.”

I said the words without really thinking, but once they were out, I didn’t regret them. His devastating smile broke free and those dimples reflected the sun like the gems they truly were. “You love me?”

“I might.”

“You might?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Well,” he dipped his head, brushing his lips against mine just enough to ignite my body before pulling back, “what if I loved you?”

“That might weigh in your favor.”

“Might it? Hmm . . .” He bent close again, eliciting tingles across my skin. “Might this, as well?”

His mouth crashed over mine and his tongue invaded. I gladly accepted everything he gave, as his arms came around me and he backed me into the side of my car.

It was hands-down the most passionate moment we’d shared in broad daylight. In public. At school. The reality of our surroundings, as well as the ticking clock I was working with came crashing back to the forefront of my mind and I regretfully withdrew.

“I have to go. My parents will be home soon.”

“But you never answered my question.”

I stared up into those bright silver eyes, shining with adoration and mischief. At that stunning smile. That ruggedly handsome face, the broad muscular chest, strong, protective arms, and beneath it all to the heart of the only person who truly knew me. Truly
loved
me.

“Yes, Elijah Prince. I love you.”

His smile softened along with his eyes. “I love you, too, Rylie Stark.”

***

Opening the window helped, but I was glad I decided to stop for the air freshener when I heard the front door open. With an obnoxious burst of Apple Berry, I made a quick detour to the bathroom to check my eyes. They looked okay, so I continued downstairs.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Hi, sweetie. How was school?”

“It was great.”

“Glad to hear it. What are you up to now?”

“Just studying. There’s another chemistry exam coming up.” And I was having full blown terror fits over it. Or, at least, I
was
before the weed helped ease them away.

“Then I suggest you keep at it. You have a lot of making up to do in that class. You know what your father will say if—”

“I know!” I snapped louder than I meant to, but she was bringing them back. The voices. My father’s voice. The hurtful, disapproving words. The sense that I’d never be good enough, never live up, no matter what. I’d just finished chasing all of that away and she was bringing it right back. “I’m going to go study.”

Leaving my mother looking a bit shell-shocked in the kitchen, I retreated upstairs, sparing little more than a glance at the Chemistry text still lying unopened on my desk before pulling out the pack of rolling papers Elijah had gotten for me. Just one more. Just to chase it all away again. Otherwise, what was the point?

***

When I woke, the room was dark and a plate of food sat on my desk.
Crap, what time was it?
The last thing I remembered was smoking that second joint and . . .
Shit, where was it?

In a paranoid fueled frantic search of the room my mother had obviously been in, I discovered that I must have at least had enough forethought to stash my shit before passing out. A quick sniff test even assured me that I’d remembered to spray the air freshener again, too. Flopping on the bed, I released a sigh. Going from asleep to full-blown panic in two-point-seven-seconds flat was exhausting.

The clock read eleven-thirteen and I groaned at the realization that I was now wide awake and probably would be for a while after my impromptu nap. Elijah said I could call if I was having trouble sleeping, but I didn’t want to risk waking my parents, so I shot off a text, instead.

What are you doing?

A minute later, his response chimed.
I was sleeping. What’s wrong?

Nothing. Sorry. Go back to sleep.

It’s okay. You wanna talk?

No. Everything’s fine, really. Just bored. You sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

You sure?

Sure

Okay. Sweet dreams. I love you.

If I could have melted my entire body into the phone and come out the other side to give him a big, fat kiss, I would have.

I love you, too. Goodnight.

I sat there, staring at the visual proof of his love for me longer than was probably mentally sound. He loved me. I could still hear him saying the words. They warred with the other words trapped in my brain and, for a moment, they overshadowed them. Pushed everything else aside, and filled me up with their meaning. But the other words wouldn’t stay buried for long. Not without some help.

My parents were sound asleep and there really was nothing else to do. Besides, it would help me sleep. With those rationalizations rolling around my head, I pulled out the stash tucked under my mattress and the rolling papers in my nightstand drawer.

Chapter Twenty-two

“Want to study, tonight?” Elijah opened his front door and took a peek inside before ushering me in. Andy must have been in his bedroom because he wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

“Study? Is that code for something?”

“No, smart ass.” Elijah shut his bedroom door and to my utter shock pulled out his chemistry textbook. I wasn’t even sure he actually owned any textbooks. “Study means
study
. We have that big chemistry exam tomorrow.”

“And you have a photographic memory. You don’t need to study.”

“It never hurts to take another look, and
you
do need to study.”

“We can’t all be born lucky.” I regretted the words the instant they left my mouth. “I didn’t mean—”

“I know what you meant. And, no, not everyone can be blessed with these stunning good looks and brilliant mind. That’s why you should study.”

“And the looks?”

“Oh, those you’ve got.”

“So it’s just my mind that needs help, then?”

“Precisely.” He opened the book and dropped it on the bed between us.

It didn’t take long for my focus to drift. His camera was still sitting on the nightstand.

“You know, you still haven’t taken my picture. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen you use that thing.”

“I haven’t in a while.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t really felt inspired to.”

“Could I inspire you?”

“Are you going to pose nude?”

“Elijah!”

He laughed and rolled up onto his elbow. “I think I could get inspired. But then . . . we study. Deal?”

“Deal.” I’d been wanting him to take that damn picture since forever.

Elijah turned on the camera and checked the display as I climbed off the bed.

“Digital?”

“I prefer old fashioned film, but it gets too expensive.”

“Where do you want me?”

Elijah scanned the room with a frown. “Let’s go outside.”

A warm breeze gently tossed the leaves on the trees allowing for random patches of sunlight to slip through. Why anyone would want to live where it was cold and snowy half the year was beyond me. Summers could get brutal, but winters here were perfect.

“Where to, Mr. Arteest?”

“That’s possibly the
worst
French accent I have ever heard. How about over by that tree?”

“Good thing I took Español, then.” I positioned myself at the base of a tall oak tree and threw my hands up in my very best dramatic pose. “Like this?”

“
Just
like that. Don’t move.”

He started clicking away and checking the images in his viewfinder. I held the ridiculous pose for as long as I could before collapsing in a fit of giggles. That didn’t stop Elijah. He kept snapping away through all of my ludicrous glory.

“Stop! Stop, stop stop.” Tears streamed from my eyes I was laughing so hard as I chased Elijah around the yard, trying to remove the camera from his possession.

There must have been a hundred pictures of my hands taken as I pried it from his. When I finally got it away from him, I paid him back, shooting shot after shot of his beautiful face. By the time the Great Camera War had ended, the sun was beginning to set. I called my mom to tell her I was staying late to finish a few more sets on the leg press, and followed Elijah back inside.

We collapsed on the bed, still panting with exertion, and Elijah started flipping through the pictures. He was amazing. Even with an entirely uncooperative subject, he still managed to capture some incredible shots. He made me look . . . beautiful.

“This one’s my favorite.” He leaned back to give me a better view.

My head was thrown back, hair blowing across my face, mouth open in a wide smile as I laughed out loud. I looked so happy. He made me look that way. This boy beside me. This boy that I loved. This boy that loved me.

I took the camera from him and scrolled through image after image of hands, close-up unrecognizable body parts, grass, and sky until I came to the ones I took of him. And there it was . . . that rare genuine smile. I managed to capture the elusive beast, dimples and all.

“I want this one. Would you make a copy for me?”

“I don’t know. My nose looks a little big and—”

“Shut up!”

Elijah laughed, rolling on top of me and moving the camera carefully to the nightstand. “I’ll get copies made tomorrow.”

“What? You don’t do it yourself, Mr. Photographer? No dark room under the bed?”

“Ha! I wish. All you need is a printer for digital, but I’d give anything for my own dark room. To develop my own film . . . my own images . . .” The longing in his eyes took my breath away.

“You really do have a passion for this, don’t you?”

The longing erupted into fiery need as he focused back on me. “I’ll show you what I have a passion for.”

And a passion he did have. By the time I had to get ready to go, the closest we’d come to studying chemistry was making out on top of the book. Learning by osmosis? Why not? It was worth a shot.

“You’re going to study tonight, right?”

“What’s the point, Elijah? You know as well as I do that Mr. Parson hates me. He’s going to give me whatever grade he wants, no matter how I do.”

“That’s not true. I took care of that. You will get the grade you earn, I promise you. So go home and prepare to earn a good one.”

I shook my head at his persistence, but agreed to at least try.

It didn’t quite work out that way, though. Alone in my room—just me and my chemistry book—I couldn’t bring myself to do it. To allow myself to work for it and care about it just to be let down again. It was easier not to care. And that was something I knew how to do. Elijah and I hadn’t smoked at all that afternoon, so I classified it as my daily escape, even if Elijah had found another way to give me one of those.

***

Staring at the sheet of paper in front of me, I sort of wished I’d at least scanned the textbook. Then, maybe I might have had some clue as to what the hell I was looking at. Formulas I’d normally have known by heart barely looked recognizable and I essentially spent forty minutes playing eeni-meeny-miny-moe with the multiple choice questions. Thank God it wasn’t short answer. I would have handed in a blank paper.

“How’d you do?” Elijah—as usual—had finished in less than half that time and sat around twiddling his thumbs the rest of the period. As much as I loved him, sometimes I hated him just a little, too.

Terrible
. “Fine.”

“Just fine?”

“Now you sound like my mother.”

“Stop deflecting. Did you study?”

“Yes . . . A little . . . Maybe.”

“Rylie!”

“What? It’s Mr. Parson. It wouldn’t have mattered.”

“I told you I took care of that. I
promised
you.”

“I know, but—”

“But what? You don’t trust me?”

“That’s not it.”

“Then what is it?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Elijah growled in frustration. “It. Matters. To.
Me.
”

“I didn’t want to be disappointed again! Okay? Is that what you want to hear? I didn’t want to work my ass off just to be let down all over again.”

“And it’s easier not to try at all?”

“It’s easier not to care.”

He ran a hand over his face. “Rylie, you can’t just stop caring about things.”

“You told me to do what makes me happy.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t tell you to just give up on everything else.”

I stood before him like a chastised child, my heart weighing heavily in my chest. “I didn’t mean to. I just . . . I didn’t want to hurt anymore.”

“Princess,” Elijah’s fingers wove through my hair as he tipped my head back to meet his gaze, “I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

It was a sweet sentiment that brought tears to my eyes, but what could he do if the hurt was already inside me? There was only one way I knew to silence that hurt, and it had run out.

“I need more, Elijah. Weed,” I clarified when my plea was met with a confused expression.

An expression that quickly changed to surprise. And then worry. “You smoked all of that already? By yourself?”

“That’s why I need more.”

“Christ, Ry. That should have lasted you . . . Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”

“What?”

“Getting more.”

“I have the money.”

“Money’s not the issue. Maybe you should . . . slow down. Cut back a little.”

No! No, no, no.
It was the only thing keeping me sane. I couldn’t cut back now. It was already getting harder to fight off the feelings. If I cut back, I'd surely drown. Elijah must have seen the panic written all over my face, because he took me by the shoulders and steered me into a tiny alcove.

“Princess, you don’t need the drugs. We can cut back together. Find other things to do. We can . . .” He lost me after that.

He wanted to cut back, too? If I couldn’t even smoke with him—

“No. You’re right. I’ll go back to just smoking with you like we used to. How’s that?”

Elijah eyed me carefully, not quite ready to believe me. But when he remembered I was out, making him my only source, he gave in. He thought he was my only source because he thought I’d never go to Rafe alone.

He thought wrong.