River's End (9781426761140) (22 page)

“Well . . . yes. But it might be nice if he wasn't so nonchalant about it. If he showed a little more interest in helping search for her—instead of being so wrapped up in his new wife and her kids. It's like Sarah and I were never part of his life. Like we never even existed.”

Anna controlled herself from reminding Lauren that she had as much to do with their failed marriage as Donald, probably more so. That was water under the bridge now.

“I know . . . I know . . . Donald is just being Donald. After all I put him through, I shouldn't expect anything more. And if I really wanted his help, all I'd need to do is ask.”

“Donald loves Sarah.”

“I know. The truth is, I'm glad he's not involved. I couldn't handle that stress right now. I'd rather do this—search for Sarah—on my own. I feel like I owe it to her.”

“And to yourself.”

“Yes. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try.”

They talked a while longer, and when Anna hung up, she felt a wave of relief washing over her.

“Good news?” Diane called from where she was working in the office.

“Sarah's name wasn't on the list!” Anna told her. “I don't think she was there at all.”

“Thank God!” Diane exclaimed.

“Yes. Thank God!” Anna smiled. “Now I want to go tell the others the good news.” As she went outside to search for Clark, who had been staying close to home recently, she silently sent up a heartfelt prayer of thanksgiving. Sarah was alive! She just knew it.

News continued to trickle in about what was now being called the Jonestown Massacre, but none of the news involved Sarah. While this was a relief, it was still disturbing to read the various accounts of the tragedy in Guyana. And yet Anna felt compelled to follow this story and to continue praying for the surviving family members, as well as families with missing loved ones involved in other cults. Anna knew that Jonestown was a wake-up call of sorts, a startling reminder of how a “utopian” society could easily become a scary place—not to mention a lethal place.

One morning in early December, Anna woke from a vivid and frustrating dream. As she made coffee, she replayed what she could remember of it through her mind. The dream had started out pleasantly. It was a lovely sunny day on the beach. Her feet were bare and the sand was warm. It seemed like it was Heceta Beach, near the campground where she and her family used to visit when she was a child. A hotel had been built there recently. Big, fancy, modern—and totally unlike Shining Waters.

But on the beach in her dream, the hotel was missing. And Anna had been walking by herself in the sunshine when she'd found a wounded seal. She tried to help the seal, but then the seal turned into a dog and ran away. And for some reason that had made her sad, and she was walking down the beach crying. As she walked, the sunshine was being swallowed by a bank of fog and clouds, and her despair continued, along with an overwhelming sense of loneliness.

Soon she saw someone walking up ahead and somehow knew it was Lauren. Although Lauren was dressed differently and her hair was in long braids, Anna knew it was her. She called out to Lauren, trying to catch up, but couldn't make it to
her. And then, she saw another image which looked like Sarah. She, too, was wearing long braids, which wasn't so unusual, and a long dress that looked like something their Siuslaw ancestors might've worn.

Again Anna called out and ran but couldn't catch Sarah either. Still she could see the two women walking up ahead of her. But she could see they weren't walking together because there was a wide space between them. Anna kept trying to catch up with them, but it seemed hopeless. Just when she was almost there, close enough to see them and close enough for them to hear her, they didn't stop walking. And finally they both just vanished in the fog, and she woke up with tears running down her cheeks.

“What did it mean?” she said quietly to herself.

“What did what mean?” Clark said from behind her.

With her hand over her mouth, she turned to see him. “You caught me talking to myself,” she confessed.

“Anything I should be concerned about?”

“Just mulling over a bad dream.” She reached for another coffee mug.

“So . . . what did it mean?” he asked as he waited for her to fill the mugs.

She told him the dream as they sat at the kitchen table with their coffee, finally asking him if he knew what it meant.

“I'm not much good at interpreting dreams.” He scratched his head. “That's usually your territory.”

“Usually. But sometimes it's hard to be objective—or maybe it's subjective—about your own dreams.”

“I think I know what it meant.”

She tried not to look too surprised. “Really?”

“Actually, it seems pretty obvious now that I think about it. I suspect your dream was telling you that you need to separate yourself from your daughter and your granddaughter.”

“Separate myself?” Anna frowned. “Lauren lives two hours away, and I have no idea where Sarah is. How much more separate can I be?”

He shrugged then took a slow sip of coffee, and for a while they just sat there.

“You think my life is too entwined in Lauren and Sarah?” she finally asked him. “I'm too emotionally involved?”

“Maybe.”

She considered this.

“Or I could be all wet,” he said lightly.

She smiled. “Actually, I think you could be onto something.”

He looked hopeful.

“Your mother told me that she thought the women in my family—all the ones she knew of anyway—that we all had to walk our own trail of tears. Remember the long walk on the beach to the reservation?”

He nodded.

“And maybe my dream meant we all have to walk it alone.”

“Is it like you used to say, about how everyone has to paddle their own canoe?”

“Probably so.”

“Do you think you lost sight of that?”

She sighed. “When Sarah came home last summer, I thought everything was going to be so perfect. Finally, my family would be complete. We've been through so much. I thought we were going to move beyond it. I finally had Lauren and Sarah, and even Hazel came home. And, of course, there was you. What could be better? I felt so hopeful for us. But then, as fast as it fell into place, it all started to unravel. I lost Sarah . . . then Lauren . . . then Hazel . . .”

He made a crooked smile. “I'm still here.”

“And I'm thankful for that. But in some ways you've been missing, too.”

His smile faded. “Sorry about that. But, trust me, it's going to get better. I promise.”

“Don't get me wrong. I like that you've been spending time with Johnny. And I know he needs your friendship.” She made an uneasy smile. “But I still need you, too.”

His face lit up. “I'm so glad you do, Anna. Sometimes you seem so strong . . . you help everyone . . . I wonder if you really do need me.”

She couldn't help but laugh. “I know you're not crazy, Clark. But that's an insane thing to say. Of course, I need you.”

“It's nice being needed.”

“I'm sure I needed you more than ever with this whole Jonestown thing,” she confessed. “And maybe that's why I needed that dream. I've probably been trying too hard to hold onto Lauren and Sarah since that scare. I needed to be reminded that they are both on their own journey and that I can't go on it with them.”

“Makes sense to me.”

She smiled at him. “Seems as if you're a pretty good dream interpreter after all. Thanks.”

December was always a slow month for the inn. But over the years Anna had come to think of this as her time to gather and reflect. In the past she used to “gather” what she needed for the upcoming season in the way of supplies and improvements and to “reflect” on how the previous year had gone and what she could do to make the inn a more pleasant experience for her guests. But then, Lauren had stepped into the management role. Because she took over many of the practical aspects of the business, Anna was able to enjoy a more philosophical sort of gathering and reflecting. But with Lauren away at business school and Diane's recent decision to return to college for winter semester, Anna found herself back in that old management role again.

Still, she appreciated having this distraction. It kept her from worrying about Sarah or missing Lauren and Hazel. Anna knew her world was changing . . . constantly changing. It had been like this since the beginning of the inn. But it seemed the older she became, the more she wanted to resist the changes. Or perhaps they just seemed to come at her at a more rapid pace. As crazy as it sounded, Anna sometimes
wished she could stop the clock . . . and take a break from change.

“I have good news,” Jewel told Anna one morning as they were working in the kitchen together. During the slow season, Anna liked to move the cooking back into her kitchen in the house, serving the guests at the big dining table, just like they used to do in the old days. It wasn't as convenient or modern as the downstairs facility, but it was much cozier and homier. And the guests seemed to appreciate it.

“What sort of news?” Anna asked as she adjusted the gas and turned the fried potatoes and onions in the big cast-iron skillet.

Jewel came over and held up her left hand in front of Anna's face. On her ring finger was an interesting-looking ring of twisted gold vines and a glowing opal that reminded Anna of a summer dawn.

“Very pretty,” Anna peered curiously at Jewel, noticing that her eyes were sparkling even more than the ring. Anna blinked as realization set in. “Is that an
engagement
ring?”

Jewel nodded happily. “Skip proposed to me on Saturday.”

Anna didn't know what to say. This seemed so sudden. How long had Jewel known Skip? Just a couple of months? No, Anna remembered, they'd met last summer. Even so, they were so young . . . and neither of them had been to college or even had much employment history. And yet, Jewel looked so incredibly pleased that Anna knew she couldn't spoil this for her. Anna set down the spatula and hugged Jewel tightly. “Congratulations,” she told her. “Skip seems like a fine young man.”

Later when Anna told Clark about this new development, he seemed indifferent. “You weren't surprised by this?” she asked him as they walked down to the dock together.

“Not a bit. All you had to do was see that boy's eyes whenever Jewel came around and you knew he was hooked.”

“Hooked?” Anna frowned.

He chuckled. “All she had to do was reel him in.”

“But they're so young, Clark. How will they support themselves?”

He shrugged. “Just like the rest of us, Anna, one day at a time.”

She couldn't help but smile since this was exactly the kind of thing she would usually say to him. “You're right. But I suppose I feel protective of Jewel. She's been through so much and doesn't really have any family to speak of. Plus she's turned out to be such a good worker. I'd hate to lose her.”

“I'd hate to lose Skip, too. I was so relieved when he decided to stay on for the winter. He really seems to fit in here. He's a great outdoorsman and the guests like him a lot. He's one reason I've felt comfortable being away so much this fall.”

Anna wasn't sure that was such a good thing but didn't want to complain about it. Especially since Clark had been staying closer to home these past couple of weeks. His boat trips with Johnny were only a couple of times a week now.

“But we'll get by,” he continued as he reached for the wind-shield cleaning bucket and a rag. “We always do. Someone goes off to school or marries, and then someone new comes along. It all works out.”

“Remember when we hoped that Marshall and Joanna would want to stay on here with us? After they got engaged?” She was simmering on an idea now. “To continue helping us with the inn?”

“Sure. But that wasn't what was best for them.” He began cleaning the windshield of Anna's boat.

“I know. And I understand that.” She handed him the window squeegee. “But what if Skip and Jewel wanted to do something like that?”

His brow creased as he pulled the squeegee across the glass. “Interesting idea . . .”

“What if we worked out some kind of plan for them? We could offer them a cabin to live in, food, of course. And perhaps even health benefits as well as their salary.”

He paused, holding up the squeegee like a torch. “I definitely think it's something we should consider. But . . .” He frowned as if uncertain.

“But maybe we shouldn't mention it to them right away?”

“Maybe not. I'm sure they have a lot going through their heads right now. After all, they've just gotten engaged. Let's give them some time to think about what they want and where they're headed.”

“I just don't want to lose them,” she confessed. Suddenly she was remembering all the employees, including family members, who had come and gone over the years. Usually it didn't get to her like this, but for some reason it made her feel lonely today. Or maybe it was simply the gray sky and the solemn steel-colored river. She hated to admit it, even to herself, but sometimes she wondered if she needed a break from the river.