Risking It All (6 page)

“You say that with such sincerity, like you really believe it.”

“I do.” He hitched a shoulder.

“Why?”

“Hell, Ceci, I don’t know.” Feeling suddenly cornered and wondering where she was going with this, he released her chin. He rolled onto his back and slid his arm behind his head, staring up at the dark shape of the ceiling above him. “It’s what my mother always taught us. She said we could be anything we wanted as long as we were willing to work for it. Evan always told me the same thing. That if Dad didn’t want us, then we didn’t need him and maybe we were better off without him.”

“Smart woman, your mother.” Ceci’s tone was half-teasing but all honest. “It’s a wonder how she survived working two jobs and going to school at the same time. And poor Evan having to be responsible for the three of you.”

He let out a quiet laugh, the memories filling his mind. “It’s a wonder any of us survived Evan. Didn’t surprise me a bit when he went into the air force.”

Growing up, whenever his mother went to work or school, she left his oldest brother, Evan, in charge of the rest of them. To say Evan took being in charge seriously was an understatement. Six years older than Kyle, he seemed to take great pride in being a bossy tyrant, or so Kyle and his siblings all thought back then. He’d made sure they all did their homework and took baths, made sure they cleaned their rooms, and insisted they each take a chore to do every day. Evan had instilled in each of them a sense of obligation and determination. None of which their father had given them.

Ceci let out a quiet laugh that had him smiling along with her. The tension that had been hanging on her since she’d showed up on his doorstep finally left her. For a moment, she lay staring at him, and he couldn’t help himself. He extended his arm, and she scooted toward him, draping herself over his chest. She rested her chin on the back of her hand and stared at him as if lying that way was the most natural thing in the world.

It was such an intimate position, on so many levels. They’d done things like this a million times over the years. Things he now took for granted. A simple touch. A simple exchange. Back when he was so comfortable with her he didn’t hesitate to climb into bed with her if she needed him to hold her. So comfortable he got crap from his coworkers. Marsha didn’t believe he and Ceci were just friends. She’d been saying for years that there was definitely more behind their relationship. Joe, one of the other detectives, said he’d have to be gay not to want to be with her. They were both right to an extent. He wasn’t gay, but he often wondered if he’d lost his mind.

She clearly felt so comfortable with him she hadn’t hesitated to curl into a position that would’ve fooled darn near anyone into thinking they shared a lot more than friendship. That they were lovers. With her lying this way, he could easily imagine it. Her breasts pressed against him. Her heat radiated through him. Her heartbeat thudded against his chest. Could she feel the rapid pounding of his? He longed to pull her on top of him, stretch her out along his length, so he could feel the slight weight of her there. The full press of her body against his.

“I missed you, Kyle. I missed this.” She whispered the words, her soft breaths fanning his mouth.

Kyle couldn’t think enough to drag in a breath. He was excruciatingly aware of how close she was. All he had to do was lift his head and he could claim her mouth. The intense desire to do exactly that expanded in his chest, and his arms closed around her, holding her there. Even if that was all he
could
do.

“Yeah, me too.” What he needed was to let her go. Make up some lame excuse about why he preferred to sleep on the sofa. Sleeping beside her, with her in his arms, would be torturous at best. Because right then, he ached to lift his head and kiss her. God, how he ached for one taste. With any other woman, he wouldn’t have hesitated.

But she wasn’t any other woman. She was his best friend, and he kept secrets from her. He could never be with her knowing he’d lied about something so important to her. And he could never tell her.

So, what he needed to do was reset his boundaries, but damned if his arms would release her. Instead, they stroked over the smooth expanse of her back as he reveled in the supple shape of her body.

Ceci lay motionless, her hands braced on his shoulders. It wasn’t his imagination that her breathing suddenly grew harsher and more ragged. Or that her body trembled beneath his palms. She released a long, serrated breath. Her gaze seared into him. Electricity zipped through the air, subtle, more of an awareness that spiked between them, but there all the same. Her fingers curled around his shoulders.

The way she stared at him, the heat of her gaze, had all those fantasies coming to life in his head. His heart hammered like a runaway freight train, a keen sense of awareness humming through him. Was it a trick of the light, or was that desire in her eyes? He ached to lift his head, cover her mouth with his and find out.

When he was sure he’d lose his mind and do everything he shouldn’t, namely finding out how she’d respond if he kissed her, Ceci drew a deep breath. She averted her gaze for a moment, her body stiffening against him. Several moments passed in aching silence as he waited, poised on the edge of doing something really stupid, when she finally looked back up at him. “Please say you’ll help me.”

Whatever he thought he’d seen in her eyes was gone. Now those soft honey-colored eyes pleaded with him, searching his face, and in her soft gaze and her whispered plea, the realization washed over him. He’d gotten so caught up in her he’d allowed himself to believe in the fantasy. That she’d finally—finally!—started to see him as something more than the boy next door, that she’d finally seen him as a man. He’d been with enough women to know a moment when he felt one.

Or so he’d allowed himself to believe. Apparently, she was just drumming up the nerve to approach him again, and he was a hopeless fool.

Kyle closed his eyes and let his arms drop to the bed, the shock of disappointment pressing down on his chest.
Yeah, keep dreaming, Morgan.
The day Cecelia Anton noticed him as anything more than the boy next door was the day his tomboy sister, Becca, stepped into a pair of high heels.

“I know you don’t want me to get hurt, but I need to do this.” Ceci’s warm hand slid over his chest, a slow, torturous stroke that turned him inside out. He was left caught somewhere between the friend he was supposed to be and all those delicious fantasies.

Kyle expelled a heavy breath in an attempt to release the frustration winding his gut in knots and opened his eyes. She stared at him, her eyes pleading with him, but he couldn’t answer her question. What the hell could he say? This quest of hers was the major reason why he couldn’t ever tell her he was in love with her and partly why he’d spent the last six months trying to put some distance between them. He couldn’t give her the answer she wanted. Helping her was out of the question.

As he watched the longing play through Ceci’s eyes, her grandmother’s words that long-ago day floated into his mind. The memory came as vividly as if it happened only yesterday. It was a memory that would never leave him. It’s what kept him on this side of the line.

He’d gone to see Gran in the hospital, a newspaper article he’d come across in hand and a thousand questions. He’d never forget the way she’d smiled as he came to stand beside her bed. She’d looked a little worse for wear, her eyes sunken and rimmed in shadow. Fatigue and illness had hung on her, but she’d smiled nonetheless, her pale blue eyes watery but bright.

Estelle reached out a shaky hand. “Sweet boy. I’m so glad you came to see me.”

He took her hand gently in his and bent to kiss her cheek. “Mrs. Anton—”

“Gran.” Her brow furrowed, her stern expression one he’d seen before. “How many times do I have to tell you to call me Gran?”

“Gran.” He repeated her name and smiled, his heart caught in his throat.

She smiled again, a triumphant gleam in her eyes, and nodded toward the chair beside the bed. “Sit. You have something on your mind. I can see it in your eyes. Sit down and tell me what’s troubling you.”

“I won’t stay long.” Rather than sit, he reached into the front pocket of his jacket with his free hand, pulling out the newspaper article he’d printed off an hour before. A picture of Cecelia lined the top. She was seven at the time, her big eyes wide and round, hair hanging past her shoulders, longer than when he’d met her, but he’d know that face anywhere. His eyes scanned the page, the first line jumping out at him.

Police have launched an investigation after two bodies were found on the east side early Thursday morning . . .

Finally, he sighed and looked back down at Gran. He knew without asking she wouldn’t like the news he was about to share. Ceci had shared too many of their arguments over the years. “Ceci had me searching for information about her parents.”

Gran expelled a heavy breath and closed her eyes. She lay in silence for a moment before finally opening them again.

“I was afraid of that.” She met his gaze with calm resignation. “I’m guessing you found something.”

He didn’t miss the way she’d phrased her words. He sank into the edge of the chair beside the bed. “Why do I get the feeling you knew I would?”

“Because I read the article when it published. It’s why I didn’t want her searching. I knew if she dug too deep, she’d find something.” She pulled her hand back, her fingers visibly trembling as she reached up to cover her thin lips. She dropped her head back against the bed and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, tears glimmered in the corners. She gripped his hand again, her fingers biting into his. “You mustn’t ever tell her, Kyle. Someday, she may remember everything that article outlines, but right now, she doesn’t, and I won’t bring that back for her.”

He shook his head. “You can’t keep this from her. If she finds out, it’ll devastate her.”

“I know!” She spat the words at him, her voice cracking at the end.

When she began to cough and sputter, he rose to his feet, pulling the oxygen mask from where it rested on her chest, and placed it over her nose and mouth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. We’ll do this another time.”

She shook her head but settled her hand over his, breathing deeply for several moments. When her coughing stopped, she pulled mask off. Her gaze narrowed on his, stern and uncompromising. “No. Now that you know the story, you need to know the
whole
story. So you know why you can’t ever tell her. . . .”

Gran could tell a hell of a heartfelt story. Twice she stopped and wept silently while squeezing his hand with a strength that had flat-out surprised him. Ceci’s father had been an accountant to the wealthy. He’d witnessed a client—a major drug dealer, unbeknownst to him—shoot and kill someone. He’d literally been at the wrong place at the wrong time. In exchange for his testimony, the police had offered him and his family protection. Unfortunately, as it sometimes happens, things fall through the cracks. The dealer had promised retribution and got it in the end. Ceci had suffered for years.

“She’d wake up screaming, night after night. Too terrified to sleep in her own bed. When she finally forgot, I let her. She found peace. I won’t bring that back for her. I won’t, and I’m begging you not to either.”

“And if she remembers?”

Gran squeezed his hand. “Then we’ll deal with it. For now, she’s happy. Let her stay that way.”

Kyle opened his eyes, looking back to Ceci’s shadow beside him. He’d done some checking first, had spoken to the department psychologist, but in the end, he’d made Gran the promise. Right or wrong. Ceci’s well-being mattered most. If it meant he had to give up their friendship, then it was what he’d do. He wouldn’t be the one to bring that nightmare back for her. If Ceci was going to do this, she’d have to do it without him.

Tension knotted the muscles in his shoulders. He swallowed the curse forming on his tongue and repeated the words he’d told her before. “Sometimes it’s better to leave the past where it is. Dig too deep and you may uncover information you wish you’d never known.”

He rolled over, forcing her to slide off to his side, and turned his back to her. Having to hold it together all the time, to hide from the one person who knew him better than anyone, was taking its toll. He needed some kind of distance between them or he’d lose his mind. “I’m tired. Can’t we talk about this tomorrow?”

“All right. ’Night, Kyle.” She shifted behind him, but it didn’t escape his notice that she didn’t curl against his back.

The distinct lack of her touch left an empty ache settling in his chest. He’d wanted distance between them and had gotten it in spades. For the first time since he’d known her, Ceci became a stranger.

Doubt filled his chest, swirling in his thoughts, tormenting him. He might be doing the right thing, but he was losing his best friend, and he hurt her in the process. If she ever found out he lied to her, their fragile relationship would shatter. He’d lose her for good.

He released a quiet breath. Apparently it would be another sleepless night. “’Night, Ceci.”

***

Cecelia came awake slowly the following morning. She blinked against the brightness pervading the room and yawned as her surroundings came into focus. Sunlight streamed in through the windows behind her, shining against the wall beside the closet and illuminating the room in a warm glow. The rain from the day before had apparently cleared. The cheerful chatter of birds drifted in from outside.

She was entirely too aware of Kyle behind her. He lay wrapped spoon-style against her back, his arm draped over her waist, holding her close. His warmth radiated through her, and his spicy scent filled her nostrils every time she drew a breath. Six months ago, being here with him this way would have filled her with peace. She’d have relaxed, closed her eyes, and snuggled back into his warmth. It was Saturday morning, and neither one of them had anywhere to be. Jeanine would open the flower shop this morning, and Kyle had weekends off. She’d ignore the new day and go back to sleep, content to lie in his arms for hours.