Risk Assessment (21 page)

‘I’m sure they’ll be thrilled,’ whispered Ianto.

‘Oh absolutely.’ Agnes had heard him. ‘Imagine what they have to offer. The xXltttxtolxtol are renowned poets, skilled gardeners, and wonderful scientists.’

‘With very large guns,’ repeated Jack.

Agnes finally snapped. ‘This is rot and will stop at once. Aliens should be dealt with intelligently and creatively, not as some kind of utility menace. It’s childish.’

‘First you hugged the killer blob, now this,’ Jack was bitter. ‘I actually preferred you in the old days.’

As Agnes and Jack stood there bickering on the beach, the xXltttxtolxtol had shuffled to form a rough, interested circle around them. And now zZxgbtl spoke.

‘If I might intrude upon the debate,’ it said. ‘The stupid male is actually right.’

Agnes’s face fell. ‘Oh,’ she said.

‘You see,’ sighed George Herbert, ‘I tried to warn her. Underneath that armour plating, Agnes has actually got such a sweet, trusting nature. We were both totally taken in, I fear.’

Gwen realised she was listening to the space equivalent of an email from a friendly Nigerian businessman requesting the temporary transfer of your bank details for an offer of mutual advantage. She smiled sympathetically.

‘Sadly, by the time I realised that the xXltttxtolxtol were something of a threat, the coffins had already turned up and I was already here. Things had moved jolly quickly. It was all rather too advanced. I took the shuttle down to warn her that there was something fishy about them, but you turned up.’

‘What?’ said Gwen. ‘This is my fault?’

‘Well, yes, my dear. Agnes was so worried she’d miss the rendezvous with the shuttle that she wasn’t as careful as she normally was. I was about to tell her everything when you turned up, and she knocked you out and ordered me to bring you up here out of the way.’

‘I have a husband,’ said Gwen. ‘I’ve been gone days. Do you know how worried he’ll be?’

George Herbert winced. ‘I can only imagine and sympathise, but we couldn’t leave you down there, and we just couldn’t bear to kill you.’ He leaned forward. ‘Agnes really rather adores you, you know. As I said, soft as a kitten.’ And he chortled fondly, spearing a crumpet on a toasting fork.

Gwen boggled at him. ‘So while everyone I love is hopefully going nuts with worry and the Earth is being invaded, I’m stuck up here watching you toast crumpets?’

George looked up from the fire he was holding the crumpet over. ‘Ahhh, yes. Succinctly put. But I can’t see what else to do. Agnes is down there, on the ground. I’m hoping she’ll sort out something clever. She’s honestly magnificent in a crisis.’

‘She had bloody better be,’ growled Gwen.

zZxgbtl of the xXltttxtolxtol advanced slowly forward with a menacing hop, tendrils trailing through the sticky diesel remnants of Vam scattered across the beach.

Creaking branches whipped up into the air, caressing Agnes’s face. She didn’t flinch, but stared straight at it.

‘We are the bridgehead,’ it said. ‘Now we are here we shall send the signal of safe arrival back to our planet and then stabilise the Rift, allowing the proper invasion to begin. You may watch before you suffer the symbolic death of traitors. Bind them!’

Jack raised his gun, but a branch lashed out and snatched it from him.

‘Great,’ said Jack.

The strange, sharp, alien trees pressed in around them, rustling and twitching and occasionally prodding them with nightmarish thorny vines.

And then branches and creepers lashed out, wrapping round them and dragging each of them up onto the back of a xXltttxtolxtol, sap spreading and sticking over their clothes. Ianto whimpered as gelatinous trails seeped into the fabric of his suit. Despite himself, Jack grinned. He suspected Ianto was more worried about the dry-cleaning bill than death.

Jack fought against the bonds, but the more he struggled, the tighter the branches wrapped themselves around him. Soon his torso was completely secured.

He looked across at Agnes. She stood like a statue, trussed up ready for careful shipping. He couldn’t decide if it was stoicism or defeat.

Once the binding was finished, the other xXltttxtolxtol shuffled away, leaving them planted on the beach like three witches ready for a burning.

zZxgbtl of the xXltttxtolxtol surveyed them, its booming whisper of a voice scraping across the bay. ‘You shall remain like this and you shall watch us destroy the world you have given to us. And then you shall beg to suffer the death of traitors.’ And, for the first time in Jack Harkness’s long life, he heard a tree laugh. And then it dragged itself away.

For a moment the three were silent, half-standing, half-crouching together, bound to their immobile wooden guardians.

And then Agnes spoke.

‘Oh dear. I had planned this so very carefully,’ she said quietly. She was looking sadly out to sea. ‘Honestly. I advised them on the construction of the coffins so that Torchwood would be unable to analyse them. I told them all about the Rift, I even set the alarms to be triggered by their arrival. My one worry was that Torchwood One would work out what was going on, but thankfully they’re gone – which only left you, and pulling the wool over your eyes was always child’s play.’

Jack looked sharply at Agnes. ‘You never cease to betray me.’

Agnes flashed a slightly queasy grin. ‘It’s always been so easy to fool you, I just can’t help myself. And I was so pleased that I never considered I was being taken advantage of.’ She kicked angrily at the sand with a loose foot.

Jack leaned close to her.

Agnes continued to stare at the beach. ‘Don’t try to be consoling,’ she muttered. ‘If you do, I shall scream.’

Jack placed a free hand awkwardly around her shoulder. ‘You are full of surprises, Agnes Havisham. In all the years I knew you, I never ever dreamed you could be deceived.’

Agnes looked at him, startled. ‘Really?’

‘Nope.’ Jack pulled a face. ‘You always seemed ruthlessly efficient.’

Agnes sniffed bravely. ‘It was all an act, I assure you.’

‘It was a very good act.’

‘Thank you.’ Agnes folded her hands as best as she could. ‘Well, it’ll soon be dawn,’ she said simply.

Ianto tried to shrug, but his bonds wouldn’t let him. ‘We’re tied to trees. We’re surrounded. If we try and summon help, these things will kill us. They’re about to invade the Earth and there’s no way of stopping them. What are we going to do?’ he asked.

Jack and Agnes looked at each other and then back at Ianto. Agnes managed a brave smile.

‘We are open to suggestions, Mr Jones. But I fully intend to enjoy the view.’

With only mild difficulty she reached into her muffler, and drew out
Little Dorrit
.

‘Not that book!’ Jack groaned. ‘Everywhere you go, that damned book comes too.’

Agnes opened it up and smoothed out the first page, reading the bookplate there fondly. ‘It is a familiar and valued thing,’ she said. ‘And pray tell if you can think of a better way to spend our last hours.’ She turned over a page.

‘But surely by now, you’d have finished the damned thing.’

‘Ah,’ said Agnes, with a little smile. ‘I’m afraid that’s more of a challenge than you’d think.’

She flicked to the back of the book, reached into the last hundred pages and drew out a small flask. ‘Tot of rum?’ she said.

And so Torchwood stood on a beach, tied to trees, watching the sun rise on the last day of Earth, passing a flask of rum between each other.

XVI

THE STORMING OF THE

CASTLE IN THE AIR

In which Mr Jones’s intoxication is sadly regretted in the sober light of day

Gwen yawned and looked out at planet Earth.

‘The sun’ll soon rise over Wales,’ said George Herbert, ‘and then I get to find out if I’m wrong about the xXltttxtolxtol. I sincerely hope they’re just the misgivings of a natural worrier.’ He looked out of the window glumly. ‘Do you think she
has
met someone else?’

Gwen smiled. ‘No,’ she said.

‘Ah well, that’s good.’

‘Look,’ she said carefully. ‘Surely there’s something we can do. Maybe you can fix my phone? I’d like to speak to my husband.’

She passed it to him, and George Herbert looked at it, curiously, before addressing the computer. ‘Is there anything you can do with this, Bramwell?’ he asked. ‘It’s a portable telephonic device.’

There was a drawn-out sigh of electrical consideration. ‘There are a considerable number of communications satellites sharing our orbit. It is possible, sir, that I could perhaps run a signal through one of them to link with Mrs Cooper’s network. Would you enjoy another pot of tea while I try to establish a link?’

‘No, thank you,’ said George Herbert quickly. He crossed over to a writing desk, and pulled some wires out, cradling Gwen’s phone in a mesh. ‘Perhaps,’ he said, ‘that will help.’

Gwen stood up, and stared down at the Earth. ‘Good morning, world,’ she said. ‘It looks so quiet.’

The xXltttxtolxtol had arranged some of the coffins into a complicated archway, churning the beach up into a gritty mixture of sand and Vam.

‘You know what,’ said a slightly tipsy Agnes, sagging a little in her bonds, ‘I bet that’s a portal.’

‘Classic portal,’ murmured a sleepy Ianto. His head drooped forward, resting on her shoulder. The rest of his bodyweight was carried by the tree he was bound to. Agnes gently nudged him away and he began to snore quietly.

Jack winked at her, a lazy smile on his face.

‘So,’ he said, ‘Torchwood are powerless, one of our agents is missing, and the Rift is about to be hijacked to allow a wholesale invasion of the Earth. How would you say the assessment is going?’

Agnes chuckled darkly, ‘Not so well, not so well.’ She threw the empty flask out to sea. ‘But you can’t win everything.’

‘No,’ sighed Jack. ‘You can’t.’ He belched, contentedly, and tried to reach an itch on his back.

‘On the other hand,’ said Agnes, pointing up at a fast-moving star in the sky, ‘that, up there,’ and she giggled conspiratorially, ‘is a rocket ship.’

‘Is it?’ laughed Jack.

‘Oh yes,’ she said solemnly. ‘And on it is George Herbert Sanderson.’

‘Never!’ Jack rubbed his hands together. ‘So he came back to you in the end! Pleased for you. I’ve always found long-distance relationships a little tricky myself.’

‘Well. . .’ Agnes considered carefully. ‘He has put on a little weight. His computer overfeeds him dreadfully.’

‘Ah yes,’ said Jack portentously. ‘But that makes it harder for them to run away.’

‘And,’ Agnes held up a finger with a sssh, ‘I’ve a surprise for you – up on the ship is your Mrs Cooper.’

‘Gwen!’ Jack was delighted. ‘You hid her away, did you? You naughty thing.’

Agnes tapped the side of her nose. ‘That girl is too good for you, Jack. Stick to tea boys.’

Jack watched Ianto fondly as he dribbled slightly in his sleep. ‘I intend to.’

zZxgbtl of the xXltttxtolxtol dragged himself past, then stopped, waving his big gun.

‘Soon, humans, soon our portal will be established and, after your ultimate despair, you will suffer the death fit for the betrayers of your own species. You will remain strapped to these xXltttxtolxtol, who will wear you till you die.’

‘Ah, nailed to a tree,’ smirked Jack. ‘I love a symbolic death.’

‘It is a very painful way to go,’ said the xXltttxtolxtol.

‘Ohhh, I’m sure, but it won’t work, you know,’ giggled Agnes.

‘What?’

‘I’ve been trying to kill him for years. Dropped him off buildings, shot him. . . Nothing worked.’

‘Don’t forget the bomb,’ put in Jack.

‘Lordie! How could I forget the bomb!’ hooted Agnes. ‘Ears were ringing for days.’

The xXltttxtolxtol hopped closer. ‘Are you. . .’ it asked, leaning as much as a space tree could. ‘Are you intoxicated?’

Jack and Agnes laughed.

‘Absolutely smashed.’

Ianto stirred in his sleep, snored loudly, and opened an eye. ‘Missed anything?’ he asked blearily.

‘Nope,’ said Jack, managing to ruffle his hair. ‘Civilisation is still as we know it.’

The xXltttxtolxtol considered them, carefully. ‘Now that the portal is established, we no longer need your relay ship,’ it said.

Agnes straightened up. ‘What do you mean?’ she demanded, suddenly sober.

‘Your sapling is surplus to requirements,’ it said cruelly. It laughed, the laughter like a clattering of branches.

And then it raised its big gun, and pointed it at the sky. And fired.

A few seconds later, the star in the sky flared brightly and went out.

Agnes screamed, and Jack grasped her hand.

The xXltttxtolxtol turned back to them. ‘Now, I think, you take me seriously.’

Gwen tried dialling the phone, but still nothing. She looked at it with frustration.