Riding Ryder (11 page)

Chapter Fourteen

“Caleb, you have got to do something. You’re a wreck,” Doris said firmly to her brother. “Sort yourself out. It’s been a month since Logan left. You’re bloody miserable. He’s bloody miserable. And you’re making my life miserable. Do something.” She stood in front of him, hands on hips, and glared. He could almost see the whip in her hand.

“Like what? I don’t know where he is, I’ve got no idea.” Caleb knew he was whining, but couldn’t stop the self-pitying note in his voice. “Hold on. You said he is miserable. So you must know where he is.”

“I do, and you won’t be able to read it from me either. Remember I can zone you out. And there is no point in going to see him if the situation hasn’t changed. What would you do?” Doris was at her determined best. “Look, go and see June. Meditate with her for a few days. Clear and cleanse and you might get a better idea of how to move forward. Or I’ll be moving forward. Away from here. You are doing my head in. Do you hear me?”

“How is he? Please, D, how is he?”
Hell, I’m begging.
Caleb knew he had no other option. Meditation, looking for signs; nothing had helped him lift himself out of the depression he felt.

She sighed.

“Looking as miserable as you. Lost weight, can’t sleep. Ring any bells? For goodness’ sake, decide what, if anything, you are going to do about it. It’s all up to you, Cal. Only you can sort it. Go to June.”

Which was why, a few days later, he was driving the rocky track to his friend’s house. He knew he had to sort himself out; meditating with her would hopefully be the thing to do.

Since Logan had left, he had lost interest in almost everything. He relived that fateful evening leading up to his departure on a regular basis. When he could sleep, he was plagued with pictures: of Joh, having only recently realized he was bi, crying, saying he needed to know what being taken by a man was like. How he would feel when he put his cock into a man. How to sit, stand, and swallow.

At first Caleb had thought that teaching him how things worked would help. Showing him how to masturbate in a way he enjoyed. Hell, even assuring him his cock wouldn’t drop off because he’d rubbed himself to a climax. And, up to a point, it had. Joh had mimicked his actions as he had almost by rote jerked himself off. But then, after they had recovered, he had asked diffidently how it would feel if someone else touched him. How would he feel doing the same to a partner? That had resulted in Caleb using first his hands and then his mouth to show Joh just how good it could feel. To his shame, he had had to think of Logan before he could really do justice to his actions.

Joh had asked very timidly for him to stay for a while. Until, he said, he had calmed down. They had eaten their dinner in a climate of friendship. But when Caleb had suggested moving to the next step, Joh had fallen apart. If Caleb hadn’t known Joh, known how hard it had been for him to admit his sexuality, the outcome might have been different. But, for his sins, he did know. So when the man had begged him to fuck him, and let Joh fuck him back, he had agreed. Perhaps deep down, he had known it would break or make his relationship with Logan. And jeez, how it had. He had eventually left his old friend, feeling he had betrayed both him and Logan. Not a good way to feel.

So here he was, five weeks on, cancelling clients, on his way to bare his soul.

June Symmos was in her sixties. Tall, athletic, and a very non-authentic redhead, they had hit it off the first time they had met. They had both tried to reach for the last piece of salmon in the fish cabinet at the supermarket and had bumped their heads together. Caleb had apologized and stepped back to let June have the fillet. In her husky voice she had suggested they compromise; if he brought the wine, she would cook the salmon. That had been five years earlier, and the two, in spite of the age gap, were firm friends. He knew, with her help, his meditations would be open and honest. Whether he chose to listen or not was up to him. So here he was, risking the suspension of his car to go to see her.

“Blessed be, Caleb.” She greeted him with her ceremonial kiss.

He returned it, hugging her, feeling the power passing between them and knowing immediately his decision to seek her help was the correct one.

“Blessed be.” He watched as she looked at his eyes and into his soul.

“So, troubled, are we?”

He inclined his head. “Oh so much, and no idea what to do about it. Whatever the outcome, I need to see. Or try to understand.”

“Well,” she said briskly. “That’s why you’re here. Let’s have lunch, and then we can begin.” She gestured to the table where a simple salad awaited them.

“I need your help,” he said frankly, as he forked lettuce and tomato onto his plate. “I fucked up big time. My one true love, and I hurt him so badly, he left me.”

She looked at him with compassion. “And?”

“And I need to consider my options. Decide whether I can make the changes needed. Can I square them with my conscience?” He laughed bitterly. “I saw a raven on my way here, so I know there are going to be changes. But will they be the right ones?”

“Only the gods can tell us that, Caleb. However, we can see your options. We’ll eat and then go to my meditation room.”

He nodded.

After lunch, June ushered him into her meditation room. Her cottage, sited on the side of a remote loch, looked as if it had always been part of the scenery. To one side, the hills came almost to the cottage wall, a waterfall spilling over them to form a pool before rushing and tumbling water spilled into the serene loch, its power sedated by its omniscient presence. “Caleb, you’re troubled and need to try and understand your choices, is that correct?”

He nodded.

“I must make it clear to you; you do know your destiny will not be made for you? All that will happen is that you will just see what
could
transpire if you choose?”

He nodded as he looked around the circular room. If asked, he would have said no feat of engineering could have achieved the outcome of that room—low walls that seemed to be part of the cliff; a soft floor in a wood that could still be a part of the nearest tree; above, mellow stone that seemed to speak to him; then glass all the way around, reaching to the skies, opening and welcoming the natural world to become part of the room. To embrace it. He looked up to see the heavens inscribed on the ceiling, and around, the circle of the world told and rejoiced. Whatever the outcome, he knew anything he
saw
here would be right and true.

They sat, cross-legged on cushions and opposite each other. He heard June speak in a soft but authoritative voice as she dedicated their meditation. He listened as she told him to deepen his breathing. He followed her into that place, beyond the moment, and into himself.

He sensed June extend them both into the meditation as she led him into his mind. And then he saw.

He walked along a path toward the loch. He knew he was going somewhere of great importance. The sun, reflecting on the water that rippled along the trackside before spilling into the loch, seemed to smile at him. The clouds on the very edge of his mind hinted at problems, if he chose to let them in.

He could see Logan waiting at the end of the track and hurried toward him. But the faster he walked, the farther away Logan seemed to be.

Why was Logan looking so sad? Why was he not coming to meet him? Why did he seem insubstantial, so ethereal? So distant?

He shouted after Logan. “I’ll change. I’ll give up my work. I won’t have a vocation; I’ll be with you.” The grass shimmered with dew, like tears, before mists swirled, and he lost his way.

Logan was almost lost now, a faint shadow in the mist as he tried to reach him. He could hear himself pleading. “I’ll give it all up. Do something else, as long as I have you. I need you. I love you.”

He could hear the answer, softly, seemingly at one with the wind. “To be a lesser man? You have a vocation that is more than us. Go in peace, my love. Do as you must.” Logan waved as he walked away across the loch.

Noooo
. He could hear himself; see himself shouting, but knew no noise left his body. As he tried to go forward, he couldn’t move. He watched in sadness as Logan disappeared and he stood alone, his bare feet washed by the soft waves of the loch as they lapped gently on the shore. His face was wet. Caleb knew he was searching for something, knew he needed Logan to help him. But, however hard he looked, all he noticed was the serene surface of the loch and the bubbling stream doing its best to disturb that serenity.

He felt himself slowly walking away from the loch, away from his love. The stream still made its rippling way toward the loch, and he saw a butterfly alight on a bush of lavender. Why was there lavender here? His mind was confused. Slowly, he walked back along the track, turning into the garden, walking past rose bushes, their scent heady and perfuming the air. A hare, still in its winter coat, loped past, stopping briefly to look in his direction before disappearing as silently as it had come.

When he realized he was back in that peaceful room and saw the shadows lengthening, he brushed his cheeks. And found them wet from his tears.

He sighed. To see Logan, but not touch him, or speak to him, was heartbreaking.

June was watching him silently. Without saying a word, she handed him a box of tissues. Man-sized, he noticed.

“Thanks. Er, where were you? I was alone.”

She shook her head. “You’re never alone, Caleb. Your spirit guide is with you, whenever you choose to look. And you didn’t need me showing you the way. You knew where you were going; I just pointed you in the right direction. When you feel you are ready, we’ll eat, and then, if you want to talk about where you went, what you saw.”

“I, um, please. Good grief, how long was I away?” He saw that tiny lights had appeared in the ceiling, illuminating the room, showing the constellations on the ceiling they outlined. Such a serene, peaceful, and magical place.

“As long as you needed to be. I’ll be at the cottage if you want me.” She stood in one flowing, graceful movement, her skirts swirling, reminding Caleb of a rainbow as it strengthened across a stormy sky. He stared, mesmerized, as she bowed, took a ladle, and after dipping it in a tiny waterfall he had not previously noticed, went to the door and poured it on the ground in front of a tiny statue of a goddess.

“Blessed be, Caleb.”

He watched as she glided away. “Blessed be,” he murmured. “Oh, Logan, my love. Blessed be.”

He sat, enveloped in the quiet serenity of the gathering night, and heard an owl hoot, to be answered by his mate. A sob left him. A mate. A partner. Would he
ever
be able to say that again?

Chapter Fifteen

Logan stood and stared at the man in front of him.
“Are you fucking mad? How can you not do what you are here for? Not use your vocation.” He shook his head. “Caleb, the reason you are you is because of who you are, what you do.”

Caleb held his hand out in entreaty. “Don’t say that, Logan. Please. I have to be with you. I have to. You’re my life.

Logan shook his head sadly. Caleb discerned the touch of those beloved lips on his cheek. “No, Cal, your life is your vocation. You would only be half a man if you didn’t use your gift. I love you. Take care.”

“Logan!”

It did no good. Logan was gone.
Shit. Bugger.

The room swayed and the atmosphere became stormy. He realized he was still sitting cross-legged on the floor in the meditation room. “Sorry. I apologize for my language.” He bowed his head slightly, and the air cleared. He saw, with amazement, it was full night now. Standing stiffly, he walked into the garden, relishing the balmy air on his skin, the perfume of the flowers assailing his senses.

June was waiting for him, sitting on a stone bench outside the door. Music, light, and dreamy, golden notes of glory, spilled out through open windows. She smiled when she saw him

“Hungry?”

Caleb realized he was and said so. Soon they were eating light, comforting food.

“You’re still troubled.” It was not a question.

“Yeah.” He finished eating and drank some of the amber liquid in front of him. He tasted sunshine, and hope. Please the gods that he received them. He said as much.

June laughed. “And no alcohol involved. So shall we talk?”

He nodded.

“Where?”

Caleb thought for a moment. “I was going to say in the meditation room, but I think my language might not quite be suitable for there. So here? In the garden?”

She smiled. “Okay.”

Caleb pondered where to start. He knew whatever he said, June was virtually unshockable.

“Well, before I talk about my meditation, I’m going to explain how I got into this sorry state.”

“Whatever you wish.” Her voice invited confidence.

“Well, for many years I’ve known I have a vocation, a way of helping people achieve sexual satisfaction. I guess to some that sounds weird or kinky. But to me, it’s a way of life. I get involved with my clients in a detached way. My mind’s involved, but not my soul. That’s the best way to describe it. I set up the school to have somewhere a client could come, in total privacy, and learn what they want. Couples of either or the same sex, singles, men, women, whoever. If I can help, I do.” He paused and had a sip of his juice.

“Because of how I conduct my life, I’ve had sex, but not made love. If I’ve had to become physically involved with someone, well, there was never a problem. I’m bi, so whoever, all was fine. I knew that only my body was engaged. I can use my body to help, to heal, and to show others how to achieve their satisfaction without compromising my soul. Do you understand?” He laughed. “Stupid question; I know you do, or I wouldn’t be here. So, a guy, a girl? They want to know how it feels to be finger fucked? I show them. They want to know how to do it to a partner? Same thing. I’m there for them to practice on. I guess you could say I’m their real live blow-up doll.” He laughed again, a harsh, hollow sound.

“And, I was happy; well, I thought so anyway. Contented that everything I was doing was for the good of others. If I wanted to feel love and affection? My own hands were there to love and caress me.” Caleb mocked himself. “Then, a few months ago, everything changed. I met the only person I want to spend my life with. I fell in love. Totally, utterly, irrevocably. The one person I could give up my vocation for.”

“Could? Or would?” June’s voice was calm.

Caleb sighed. “Ah, well, there’s the thing. Today, when I saw him, dreamed of him, whatever; he said I mustn’t; said it would make me a lesser man.”

“Would it?”

He shuddered. “I don’t know. I just don’t know. That’s why I came to you. To meditate, to reflect. To try to find some answers. I was finding fuck-all by myself.”

“Okay, then, so let’s talk about your journey. Where did you go? What did you see?”

His eyes darkened. Once again he was taking his journey. “As I walked toward the loch, I was encouraged by the thought of something happening to me. Something big, perhaps life-changing. So when I saw things in my journey, I was pleased, and well, hopeful. But now? I’m not sure. I saw a butterfly, and I know that can signify a change for the better. But who’s to say what is for the better?” His voice was agonized. “And then I saw a hare. Why a hare? Shit, it was staring at me. Why?”

“Hares can represent haste. So in fact it’s advising you to do the opposite. It’s advocating caution,” June said, her words sounding formal, at odds with his.

He laughed bitterly. “And caution keeps you warm at night? No chance. What’ve I gained by being cautious? Fuck all. Then that bloody butterfly was back again, sitting on the lavender. Why lavender? Crap, all crap. How can I get peace of mind now?” He took a deep breath. “Logan was there, but I couldn’t reach him. I tried, I so tried. He was going away from me. Then I couldn’t see him any more, couldn’t talk to him. Couldn’t tell him just how much I love him. Fuck it. Life is shit. Dark, and no meaning to it.”

There was compassion in her voice. “There is always meaning to life, Caleb, if you choose to listen and understand.”

“Yeah well, maybe my radar is broken. Jeez, June, I’m so fucking tired.”