Rhythm of Us: Book 2 Of The Fated Hearts Series (31 page)

The first firework exploded across the sky and jolted me out of my thoughts. I watched as several more colorful bursts lit up the dark sky. The timing and spacing of the fireworks were impeccable; it was never too many at once or too long of a space in between.

“That’s how you make me feel inside, Xavier. You bring vibrant colors into my life and light up my world.” He rolled over so that he was lying on top of me. The magical lights were bursting overhead as he looked down at me. I knew I wasn’t going to find a better moment to tell him how I felt. “I love you, Xavier.”

His eyes widened in surprise and then his lips moved as if he were trying to speak, but no sound came out. I didn’t say the words to him with the expectation that he would return them; I just needed him to know how I felt about him. He closed his eyes briefly and when he reopened them I clearly saw what my words meant to him in his radiant gaze. Xavier lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me with all the emotion he was unable to express with words and that was all the response I needed.

AUGUST BROUGHT ABOUT
some pretty exciting changes in my life. I sold another original score to Ryan Productions and received my royalties from the first sale. Ben agreed to help me look for a house and I hoped to find one we both loved, because I wanted it to be
our
home someday.

Things were great between us and I fell deeper in love with him every single day. I just wished I could tell him all the things I felt inside. I could write a fucking song about how he made me feel, but couldn’t make my mouth form three little, but very important words. I tried to tell him the night of the July 4
th
celebration when the fireworks reflected in his eyes. I saw the love he felt for me in their depths before he said the words. I opened my mouth to say it back to him, but nothing came out.

“It’s okay, Xavier. There’s no pressure for you to say it back to me. I just wanted you to know how I feel.”
Those were the words Ben spoke to me after I kissed him following his declaration. I poured all of my heart into that one kiss and I hoped he felt it.

I did know how Ben felt, because that amazing man told me every day and showed me in every possible way. Ben never let it show if he was upset that I still had not said the words to him. He still smiled that same brilliant smile and loved me with all that he had – heart, body, and soul.

My own insecurities were what held me back from telling Ben that I was in love with him too. As much as I had grown these last few months – and it had been in leaps and bounds - I still found myself disbelieving that I deserved Ben. There was a small part of me that feared that someday he would wake up and realize he could do better. That tiny molecule of doubt was what held me back.

Ben once told me that his parents had never told him that they loved him. I wondered, if not his parents, who had told him he was loved? Van was even more emotionally damaged then Ben, so it was unlikely that they exchanged words of love between them. If I told Ben how I felt and said the words “I love you” would I be the first person to ever say those words to him? If so, I worried that he would tie himself to me for the rest of his life out of obligation. I wanted Ben forever, but not at the cost of his own happiness.

Maybe my fear was unfounded and irrational, but that didn’t make it feel any less real or scary to me. Van was right when he said people threw the L word around like it meant nothing, but to Ben it would mean
everything
. It took me a month to come to terms with my fears and be ready for the next step. I was ready to bare my soul to him and tell him everything I felt for him in my heart. Ben – we – deserved it.

Ben had been out of town for four days, which was a longer period than normal for him, but this trip encompassed visits to three different accounts on the West Coast. I missed him like crazy and told him so every night. Ben ended each call with those three magic words that always brought me comfort. I loved him with every fiber of my being and I couldn’t wait to tell him as soon as he got home. No more living in fear. I was going to blurt it out the minute I saw his face so I wouldn’t work myself up over trying to find the perfect moment.

I was just about to put a frozen pizza in the oven when Chase called me and said that Ava had gone into labor. Chase sounded like a spastic basket case so I decided to head over to the hospital to help Gray keep him calm for Ava’s sake. The last thing she needed was a wound up Chase riling her up while she was trying to bring her baby into the world. I turned off the oven and headed straight over. I sent a quick text to Ben to let him know what was going on, even though he was on a plane on his way home and wouldn’t get it until he landed.
Home to me.
I loved the sound of that.

The labor and delivery waiting room was already packed by the time I got there. It appeared that the guys were in the waiting room while the ladies and Chase must have been in the delivery room with Ava and Brandon. I said hello to everyone and walked over to Gray.

“How is he?”

“He’s a fucking mess.” Gray snorted and then covered his mouth. “What’s he going to be like when we have our own kids? He’ll have to be medicated.” Gray grabbed my elbow and moved me out of hearing range. “He met her doctor for the first time and demanded to see her credentials. He insisted she was barely old enough to have completed under grad school, let alone medical school and surgical rotations. You have no idea how glad I am to see you.”

“I’ll do my best, buddy, but I make no promises.” I patted Gray on the back, giving him a wink.

“That’s all I ask, Xavier. Let’s go see Ava and check in to make sure that Chase is behaving himself?”

Ava’s calm voice floated out into the hallway as we approached her room. “Chase, come sit by me and hold my hand.”

“Are you hurt? Do you want me to page the nurse?” I could hear the panic in Chase’s voice and had to stifle a laugh.

“I’m fine, honey, but I could just use an extra hand to hold.”

“She’s got this under control,” I told Gray. We walked into the room and Ava was propped up in bed with Brandon on one side and Chase on the other. “Hi gorgeous.”

“Uncle Xavier is here,” Ava said to her belly. “He’ll be singing you beautiful lullabies as soon as he gets to hold you.”

I dropped a kiss on her head and patted Chase’s shoulder in what I hoped was a comforting manner. “Has the doctor said how long she thinks you’ll be in labor?”

“I’ll be lucky to have this baby tonight,” Ava replied. “I guess she’ll be here when she’s ready.”

“It might be a boy, my love,” Brandon interjected. We all laughed at the byplay between the two lovebirds.

An hour or longer passed and not much progress had occurred with Ava’s labor. The nurse asked us all to leave the room except Brandon so she could get some rest. It was apparent that it would be many hours before the little guy or gal made an appearance.

Ben was due home in a few hours and I wanted to be the first thing he saw when he crossed the threshold. I was going to tell him I loved him as soon as he opened the door. Maybe I’d say it while wearing nothing at all. I figured I’d hang around for a while longer and then head on home to meet my guy.

“I’m going down to the cafeteria and getting you guys some good coffee,” I said to Gray and Chase after a half hour passed. We’d already sampled the shit in the vending machine and I’d never risk their health by bringing them a second cup. I was glad to get up and get my blood flowing. The TV in our waiting room wasn’t working and the time just seemed to drag on.

“Hazelnut for Gray,” Chase called to me as I walked away.

As I passed through the hospital, I noticed an odd hush about the place. I saw several nurses gathered around a TV at their station. I couldn’t tell what they were looking at, but it must have been something tragic by the looks on their faces. I stepped off the elevator on the first floor and noticed the same lull throughout the corridors while I made my way to the cafeteria. I saw people gathered around the TV in one of the waiting rooms and I almost stopped to see what the hell had happened, but I decided to keep going. I was in line to pay for coffee when trickles of conversation around me penetrated my happy thoughts of seeing Ben later that night.

Plane headed for Dulles International Airport crashed in Missouri.

Plane was scheduled to land at Dulles at 10:00 pm

No survivors

“Oh God. No. No. No. NO!” The hair stood up on the back of my neck. Couldn’t be! Fear gripped me so tight I could barely breathe. My heart tried to pound its way out of my body as my legs threatened to give out on me. “Ben.” I whispered his name like a prayer.

“Sir, are you okay?” A nurse on break rushed over to my side.

“F-f-flight number,” I stuttered. “Did they say the flight number? I need to know the flight number. Ben,
my
Ben was on a plane.”

“Sit down, honey. I’ll see what I can find out for you.” The kind nurse helped me over to a chair and walked out to find the nearest TV. It seemed like she was gone for hours, but it was probably only a few minutes. She squatted down in front of me and took my hands in hers. “It was flight 1486. The plane originally took off from LAX and had a layover in Colorado.”

I jerked my hands free, wrapped my arms around myself, and began to rock back and forth. I could hear her talking, but her words didn’t penetrate my brain. I was locked so deep in despair that I couldn’t comprehend anything other than Ben, my beautiful Ben, was gone. Darkness began to descend upon me and I was powerless to fend it off.

“Xavier.” Chase’s compassionate, sorrowful voice finally penetrated through the darkness. “We’ve got him. Thank you, miss,” I heard him say to someone, probably the nurse who helped me.

“Ben. My Ben is gone, Chase.” Two sets of arms pulled me close and held on tight while I cried a torrent of anguished tears. “I never told him.”

“Never told him what?” Gray asked.

“I never told him that I love him. He died without knowing how I felt.”

“He didn’t need the words, sweetie.” Chase’s voice broke and he cried with me. “It was so obvious to everyone how much you love him. I promise you that he knew.”

“Van! Oh my God! Someone needs to call Van.”

“We’ll call him on the way home. Just let me tell Ava that we’re leaving and I . . .”

“No! Chase, you can’t tell Ava and upset her right now.” I’ll never know how I was able to string that thought together, but was grateful that I did. “Just take me to Ben’s house. I need to be near his things. Please.”

The drive to his house was so quiet you could’ve heard a pin drop. I was so lost in misery that I couldn’t talk worth a damn at that point anyway. I saw Van on Ben’s front porch when we pulled up. I barely waited for the car to come to a stop before I jumped out and ran to him.

“Why him?” Van asked between broken sobs. “Why not me?” Van pulled me into a tight hug and we both cried in anguish. No hurt I had ever felt prepared me for this moment and I felt like I would collapse any minute from the heavy weight of hopelessness pressing down on me.

“Let’s get you both inside,” Gray said softly. He took the keys from my hand and tried each one until he found the right key. “Here we go,” he said, opening the door.

“What can I do for you, Xavier? How can I help you?” Chase had always been the calm in every storm of my life, but not even he could help me right then.

“There’s nothing you can do. Right now I just need to be in his space, touch his things, and smell him in the air.”

“We’ll stay with you, Xavier,” Gray told me. “We don’t want to leave you alone right now.” Gray was struggling to keep it together, but he was trying to be strong for me.

“You go on back to the hospital and be with Ava. She doesn’t know about the plane crash and she won’t understand why her best friend just up and disappeared. Go be with her,” I told them. “I have Bevan with me.” I promised to call them if I needed anything. I was gripped tightly by both of them once more before they left hand in hand.

Bevan opened up a brown paper sack and began to drink some form of hard liquor. “Sorry, kid. I’m not trying to be insensitive, but fuck it all. I just lost my only family and I need something to take away the pain.”