Rhythm in Blue (31 page)

“Get you guys anything else?” the waitress asked filling each of their cups, and looking back and forth between them.

“No, we’re fine, thank you,” Shelby said, smiling through her tears. She looked back to Rick when the woman left, but didn’t speak.

Trying to get the conversation back on track, Rick asked, “So let me get this straight, are you honestly telling me that you think it’s your fault they raped you?”

Shelby sighed, “No, just that I let myself get into that situation.
That
I take responsibility for.”

“No babe, no. You were a kid, and he, they, committed a terrible crime against you.” He shook his head in disbelief, “Do you realize how much planning it took to put you in that situation? Don’t you see how determined he was? It wasn’t something that you just stumbled into, it was an elaborate trap. If it hadn’t been that, it would have been something else. He would have found a way.”

Shelby was quiet and had a perplexed look on her face. Rick could tell by her reaction that she hadn’t thought about it, so he continued. “If his plan hadn’t worked, he might have used a knife, maybe a gun, I don’t know, but it would have ended the same. As it is, he set you up so that he and his friends could get away with a terrible crime, and so that you would blame yourself and not him.”

Shelby looked confused, but shook her head. “But I could have prevented it, I could have done things differently.”

“You could have done things differently, but I don’t think you could have prevented it.” He could tell she wasn’t convinced, but he had planted the seed, and hoped she would come to see the truth in time.

Finally, she looked up at him. “I suppose I should let you get out of here now. Those guys have got to be going crazy wondering what happened to you.”

“No. Devon knows exactly where I went, and we’re not done here.”

Chapter Thirty-Five

“So what happened after that? With Takis? Do you still see him?”

“After that, they left me alone. All the boys did. I’m pretty sure he went around bragging about it, at least his version of the story. And no, I don’t see him or the other two. The other guys moved away from the island after the army, and Takis was killed a few years ago.”

“No shit?” he asked, disappointed that the prospect of killing him personally was gone. “What happened?”

“Motorcycle wreck I heard. I didn’t really care, I was just glad to not have to look over my shoulder anymore.”

“I’m so sorry Shelby,” Rick shook his head. “You should never have had to go through all that alone. I wish I could have been there for you. I wish you would have told me.”

“Why, so you could have killed him?”

“I just wish I could have helped, in whatever way you needed me to,” he said, trying to bolster his smile.

Rick lit two cigarettes and handed her one. She was still recovering from her tale, and he tried to change the subject. “So what about now? What are you doing now? I know you’ve got songs out all over the place, with a lot of different artists.”

“You know what? Let’s be done talking about me for a bit. Let’s talk about you. What’s been going on with you?”

“There’s really nothing to tell, it’s just the same old shit, different day.”

“I know that’s not true. You’ve got a girlfriend who’s sleeping with Randy,” Shelby laughed and rolled her eyes, “You guys abruptly cancelled your tour, and you won a Grammy for
Haunted Dreams
, which was incredible by the way. I love that song and I couldn’t stop listening to it. For a couple of years, I think, I listened to it at least two or three times a day, probably more. It’s still my favorite.”

“Well, I didn’t win. Smoke n’ Mirrors won.”

“You won. It was your song.”

“Actually,” he said, “it’s your song, it’s about you.”

“Is it?” She nodded her head and laughed softly, “I always kind of hoped it was, but I told myself it wasn’t.”

“No, it was about you, and how I felt about you.” They sat in silence for a minute, just looking at each other.

“
Cycle the Abyss
is incredible too, it tells quite the story,” she smiled, but had to look away. Changing the subject, she asked, “Why did you guys cancel your tour? Devon wouldn’t really say.”

“You know, we’ve been just going through the motions the last couple of years. We haven’t released any new material, and that’s because we can’t stand the idea of spending that much time working together. I think it was kind of a mutual decision that if we wanted to continue speaking with each other, we should take a long break or just give it up.”

“Give it up? Are you kidding me? Just take a break or something, but don’t give it up.”

“I think it might be time. We came to town to work out a new contract with our label, but we each keep finding something to nitpick about, so we still haven’t signed. We’re spending time together while we’re here, but we’re all bitchy and short with each other. None of us have actually said anything about calling it quits, but I know we’re all thinking it.”

“Well, don’t rush into anything. Take a break, you guys deserve it, and then see how you feel. Maybe if you give each other some space for a while, you’ll get through it. I’d sure hate to see you guys break up.”

“Yeah, me too,” Rick sat back while the waitress filled their cups once more and replaced the cream pitcher with a fresh one.

Shelby excused herself to go to the restroom, and Rick tried to digest everything he had just learned. Even though he’d put himself through hell the last seven years because of it, he couldn’t be upset with her. If he had known at the time, he could have maybe helped her in some way, done more to protect her from Takis. He felt like he’d betrayed her when he mentioned the situation to Larry, even though he downplayed the reality. It was stupid not to do more. Life in jail for killing the kid back then would have been better than what he and Shelby lived through.

When she came back to the table, Rick checked the clock on the wall. It was after three, but he didn’t say anything, he hoped to keep her there as long as he could. Not wanting to risk a lull in the conversation, he asked, “So what do you do to stay busy on Paros? I know you’re cranking out songs, but what else do you do? Any boyfriends or anything?”

She laughed at the question. “No, not for me. I’m not a big dater. I have friends I hang out with sometimes, but it’s a pretty quiet life for the most part.”

“You don’t date at all?” he asked in surprise.

“No. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m not celibate or anything. If I get an itch, I go find someone to try to scratch it for me, but that’s it. Then I go home and regret that I even tried.”

“Why do you regret it?”

“Because it never does any good and doesn’t change anything – it’s like the itch that can’t be scratched,” she laughed softly.

“Don’t you get lonely?” Considering his own relationship history, he probably had no business questioning hers.

“Sometimes, but then I just start working on a song or something and it passes eventually.”

“But you’ve had boyfriends before, right?”

“No Rick, I told you. I can’t do relationships.”

“Why? That just sounds nuts.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I just can’t. I wouldn’t have anything to give anyone. It’s like I’m broken, or defective.”

“I don’t believe that. You were never like that, and you have plenty to give. Your songs are filled with emotion.”

“Really, I don’t. Maybe I did at one time, but not anymore. That’s just the way it is. I get inspiration for my songs from other people, I’ve always preferred other people stories to my own.”

She began to fidget uncomfortably, and he was afraid she was going to end their meeting. He wanted to draw it out as long as he could, so he asked her a casual question to lighten the mood, one that often made him wonder.

“Shelby, why do you call me Rick?”

She laughed and shook her head. “Isn’t that your name?”

“Yeah, of course it is, but everyone, and I mean everyone, calls me Ricky, except you. I’ve just always wondered why?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. I guess because you’re
Rick Rowland
, not Ricky Rowland, and when you refer to yourself, you call yourself
Rick
, not Ricky.”

He liked her answer, but suddenly she looked unsure. “Do you not like it when I call you Rick?”

“No, I love it. I hate being Ricky, but everyone calls me that anyway, even if I ask them not to. Erin started it, and the guys just latched onto it. After a while, I just gave up.”

She chuckled, but just as he’d anticipated, she looked up at the clock. “We should go.”

“No, please stay,” Rick pleaded, “let’s talk some more. We can talk about anything you want.”

She stood and put her jacket on. “No, I’m sorry. It’s late and I have a meeting in just a few hours.”

Rick stood and took her hand. He raised it to his lips and softly kissed it. She smiled at him.

“It’s been really good talking to you Rick. You were right, we needed to do this, and it’s a relief finally having it all out there. I wish I could have done it sooner, but I don’t think I was ready. I’m sorry.”

He pulled her close and held her tight. She didn’t struggle or pull away this time. She squeezed him as though she might never see him again. When they finally began to break away, Rick cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. His intention was a quick kiss in parting, but something took hold of him, and it was as if his whole life was contained within that one, fervent kiss. He could feel the power generating between them, just as it did once before. She returned his kiss with equal passion, but finally tore herself away. He pulled her close again.

“Stay with me. Be with me,” he whispered in her ear.

She shook her head and put her hands to his chest to push him away. “I can’t, Rick. You think you want me, but if you knew me now, you wouldn’t. You’d know better.”

“Don’t say that. I love you.” His voice began to break as he spoke, “I always have, and I always will. I’ve never stopped, not even for a minute.”

“I know.” Tears streamed down her face once more. “It’s been screwed up from the very start Rick, and that’s just the way it was meant to be. I’m sorry.” With those last words, she turned and rushed out the door. Rick wanted to go after her, to plead with her, but he couldn’t move. He stood there for what seemed like an eternity.

Finally, the waitress came up to him and handed him some tissue. “You okay, hun?” she asked. Rick looked at her as if she was from a dream, and he was just waking. He took the tissue and realized he was standing in the middle of a café in Manhattan, crying like a baby.

Still in his dream like state, he nodded to the waitress, fished in his pocket and pulled out a fifty. He handed it to her and started toward the door.

“Sir?” the woman called to him. “Sir, don’t you want your change?”

~

Rick wandered the streets of the city until well past daybreak. Cold and tired, his thoughts whirled in frenzy. Seeing her, talking to her, brought everything he tried for years to stifle once again boiling to the surface. Where could he possibly go from this point? There was no moving forward from here, so he just walked. More than a few people glanced his way with bad intent, but no one bothered him. It was as if they could all see his despair, and no one dared come near it.

When he arrived back at the hotel, it was after nine. He took the elevator up to his room, but when he entered and saw Sonya lying on the bed, he turned and went back the way he came. He found a quiet corner of the lobby and fell into a chair, staring at nothing and unable to slow or contain his thoughts. He replayed every moment of the café, of the island, of any time he had ever spent with Shelby.

He heard someone saying his name, and looked up to find Devon.

“Ricky? Are you okay? Are you stoned or something?”

Rick shook his head, but still couldn’t speak.

“What’s going on, man? What happened to you last night? Did you find Shelby?”

Rick nodded.

“You look like spent the night in the gutter.”

“I can’t do it anymore,” Rick shook his head.

“You can’t do what anymore?”

“I can’t do it,” Rick said, finally looking at Devon.

In confusion, Devon said, “You’re gonna have to give me a little more information, buddy.”

“I’m so tired. I’m so tired of hurting. I just can’t do it anymore.”

“Okay. I’m listening,” Devon said, sitting down beside him. “What’s going on?”

Rick looked at him, and began to talk. He told Devon everything, starting with their conversation on the veranda, the morning after Erin’s wedding, that he continued to see Shelby even though he lied to Devon about it, how close he had come to making love to her, and about the letter she left him. It was difficult to describe the gaping hole the broken relationship left in him. He explained to Devon how he had obsessed over her for years, and how he could never step beyond it. And, he told him everything Shelby said at the café.

“I don’t know what to do. I’ll never get over it. I know that now, and I’m just so tired of being sad and heartbroken. I’ve tried everything to deal with it, to make it go away. But nothing works – not for long, it always comes back. And now, it’s worse than it ever was.”

Devon listened, and never said a word until Rick was through. Finally, he said, “Wow, that’s a lot to keep inside and to yourself for such a long time.”

“I know – I can’t believe she never told anyone about it.”

“Actually, I was talking about you, Ricky.” He put his hand on Rick’s shoulder. “How come you never told me? It might have helped to talk about it.”

“I couldn’t tell
you
! I couldn’t tell anyone, but especially not you.”

“Why? I don’t understand.”

“You always preached about the young ones. ‘Stay away from the young ones.’ You specifically warned me to stay away from Shelby, and I didn’t listen. I knew if I told you, you’d lose all respect for me. I couldn’t let that happen, but now, I just don’t care anymore.”

“Did you really think I wouldn’t respect you?”