Revoltingly Young (2 page)

The ghastly initiation rituals are set for midnight tonight. At least with all this brown the bloodstains shouldn’t show so much.

WEDNESDAY, June 22 – Some shocking revelations last night. My entire life has been turned upside down. We had gathered at the appointed hour in the long abandoned hippie bus at the end of our gravel road. This is the site where too long ago I made my one and only mostly unsuccessful attempt to feel up a girl (the alluring but inhibited Consuela). Tonight we had one candle and a large bottle filched by Carlyle from his foster dad’s liquor cabinet.

“
OK,” said Stoney, lighting the candle and adhering it with hot wax to the rusty floor, “everyone has to take three big gulps without stopping. You first, Noel Problem.”

I screwed off the cap and sniffed. A mild boozy aroma. Hell, my Avon mouthwash smelled stronger than this stuff. I took three deep draughts and struggled not to expire on the spot as the fiery liquid scorched its way down through my insides.

“
Nice,” I choked, passing the bottle to Tyler.

He took three gigantic swallows, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“
Eez good, amigo,” he belched. “I like the kick of a hearty tequila.”

“
Glad to hear it, Tyler,” twitched Carlyle, “but this stuff’s vodka.”

We were imbibing a distant cousin of the French fry. Perhaps a little ketchup could improve it as well.

Stoney downed her quota with a minimum of fuss and passed the bottle to Carlyle, who added yet another toxic to his poisoned system. It didn’t seem to mind. Passing the bottle to me, he took out his bulky pocketknife and pried open its largest blade.

“
Where should we do the cuttin’?” he inquired.

An ominous question. At that point I still felt way too sober for self-mutilation. I took another tentative sip. This stuff did not improve with experience.

“
Really, we should cut where it shows like on the face,” declared Stoney.

Carlyle nodded approvingly, but the proposal failed to win over the rest of the gang.

“
I’m thinking of becoming a sportscaster after I retire from the pros,” explained Tyler. “I need to preserve my on-camera image.”

“
Pussy,” replied Stoney. “And what’s your excuse, Noel Balls?”

“
I’m thinking of going into show business like my brother Nick,” I lied. “Disfiguring scars are a liability in that profession. Anyway, I know a better bonding ritual than slicing each other up.”

“
If Stoney’s on the rag,” suggested Carlyle, “we could all go down on her.”

“
In your dreams, dirt ball,” she replied.

“
What’s your suggestion, cousin?” asked Tyler.

Plugging the bottle with my tongue, I took a great mock swig of vodka and passed it to Tyler. “OK, here’s what we do. We confess to each other our deepest and darkest secret.”

“
Hey, what is this? Some kind of girls’ club?” scoffed Stoney.

“
I got a secret,” said Carlyle, playing with his knife. “Sometimes I hear these voices in my head that tell me to do stuff. Terrible stuff.”

Leave it to Carlyle to cast a pall over the gang initiation rites.

“
Uh, gee, Carlyle,” I said. “When you hear those voices, how about checking in with me first before you do anything? OK?”

“
Sure. OK, Noel.”

“
Good,” I said. “Is that your deepest secret?”

“
Well, I know where my dad ditched the body.”

Before Mr. Bogy (Carlyle’s papa) went to jail his lab partner had disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

“
But if I tell you,” Carlyle went on, “certain relatives of mine would probably have to kill you.”

“
Well, I for one, don’t want to know,” I said. “OK, Stoney, what’s your innermost secret?”

She grabbed the bottle from Tyler and gazed at him defiantly as she guzzled the raw booze. “OK, here goes, ladies. I’m a dyke.”

Now it was my turn to scoff. “Some secret, Stoney. Everyone in town knows that. You’ll have to do much better if you want to be in this gang.”

She thought it over. “OK, but if this gets out, I’m going to pound your asses.”

“
It won’t, Stoney,” I assured her. “That’s what this is all about: being gang brothers. After tonight we’re going to be closer than family.”

“
That’s not saying much,” she said, taking another big swig. “OK, so here’s my story. Last month I went to Reno with my mom. We went to a mall there. At Macy’s we stopped at the make-up counter. Smelled all the perfume and shit. Then I let the clerk make up my face.”

“
Wow,” I hissed. “You did?”

“
Yeah, no lie. I looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t believe what I looked like. Like some goddam movie star. Here I spent my whole life getting used to the idea of being uglier than Carlyle’s butt.”

“
You’re gorgeous, Stoney,” I assured her.

“
I’d hump you in a minute,” seconded Carlyle.

“
And die trying,” she replied. “So ever since then I don’t know what to think. I’m kinda confused. I’m not even totally sure I still like chicks.”

“
Wow!” I exclaimed again. “Really?”

“
Yeah. I guess I’m messed up big time.”

I noticed she wasn’t looking at Tyler any more.

“
That’s pretty heavy, Stoney,” I said. “I mean, we might be seeing you in a dress one of these days.”

“
I hope not,” she replied. “But stranger things have happened.”

“
So,” I said, getting down to brass tacks. “Are you attracted to brother Tyler here?”

She took another swig. “I don’t know, Noel. Something weird’s going on.”

“
Brother Tyler,” I said, “are you willing to help brother Stoney?”

“
Sure, I guess so. What can I do?”

I thought it over. “Tyler, I think you should and Stoney should, uh, make out.”

He glanced at her doubtfully, but in a spirit of gang cooperation grunted a polite, “OK.”

“
Well, don’t look so enthusiastic,” she said.

“
OK, I’m calling a five-minute time out,” I announced. “You guys go to the back of the bus and swap spit. But watch out for snakes and scorpions.”

Stoney and Tyler left the circle of light for the dusty blackness of the rear of the bus. I hadn’t kissed a girl in years, but I don’t think I envied my cousin. Carlyle downed another swig and toyed with his knife.

“
It’s up in Bluebird Canyon, Noel.”

“
What is?”

“
The goddam body.”

“
Don’t tell me, Carlyle! Don’t say another word! Jesus!”

“
Sorry, Noel. You want we should make out too?”

“
Don’t be silly, Carlyle.”

“
Just checking. I never made out with anyone, Noel. Girls avoid me like the plague.”

“
Well, you have to use a little finesse with chicks, Carlyle. You’re a bit too direct. I know girls like Uma get uncomfortable when you stare at their tits.”

“
I thought that’s what they were for.”

“
Well, they are. But you have to be subtle about it.”

Pretty quiet in the back. No moaning or springs squeaking. But I knew that somewhere close by inflamed lips were meeting in experimental passion. Possibly even feels were being copped. The last thing I expected to have at a gang initiation was a vicarious erection. I adjusted my pants and took another swallow of vodka. Thank God I was beginning to feel a little tipsy. How tragic it would be to discover one was immune to the effects of alcohol.

“
You think maybe Stoney will do me next?” whispered Carlyle.

“
I wouldn’t get your hopes up. Girls generally like only one guy at a time. It’s genetic, so the tribal unit will know who the father of the baby is.”

“
You mean they’re screwing back there?”

“
No, Carlyle. Just relax. Have some more vodka.”

“
Don’t mind if I do.”

Eventually, things started moving back there, and the two lovers returned to their seats by the candle.

“
How was it?” leered Carlyle.

“
Better than kissing you, that’s for sure,” replied Stoney. “OK, now it’s Noel’s turn. Spill your secret, dude.”

I was hoping for a fuller report, but figured I’d hear Tyler’s side later. I probed my soul for dark secrets.

“
OK, here goes, guys. I think I’m in love with Uma Spurletti.”

“
Some secret!” sneered Stoney. “That’s about as big a secret as the fact that that stuck-up chick wouldn’t give you the sweat off her expensive nose job.”

“
Uma has not had a nose job,” I retorted. “Her nose is naturally perfect.”

“
She’s a rich bitch, Noel,” continued Stoney. “She’s so stuck up she wouldn’t notice you if your dick blew out of your pants like a rocket and you dropped dead at her feet.”

Another of Stoney’s gross exaggerations; I do not believe I am quite that invisible.

“
Uma’s just reserved,” I replied. “It’s hard being the new girl in town.”

“
I hear she’s not so reserved around Scott Chandler,” added Carlyle.

“
That’s a lie,” I said. “Anyway, Scott’s away all summer at sailing camp.”

Better Scott should be away all summer in war-torn Iraq, but sailing camp would have to do. Ever since he started showing interest in Uma last semester, I’ve been praying his wealthy doctor father brings home some infectious microbe from the hospital. No fatal contagion so far, but I’m flexible. A tragic drowning would work just as well.

“
Scott Chandler could give any lesbian second thoughts,” commented Stoney. “OK, Noel, we all know you have the hots for Uma. So out with a better secret.”

“
Honest, guys. That’s all I can think of.”

“
Did you ever see your mom naked?” asked Carlyle.

“
Hardly. I only saw my real mother twice. That was fully clothed and in a courtroom.”

“
When you beat your meat, do you ever fantasize about guys?” demanded Stoney.

“
Well, when I was little, I used to feel guilty when I played with myself while watching Mr. Rogers.”

“
That is totally sick,” she declared. “But it won’t make it as your secret.”

“
Do you ever wet the bed?” asked Tyler, who knew perfectly well the answer to that presumptuous question.

I scowled at the traitor. “Uh, well, I used to. When I was a kid.”

“
How long has it been since you last wet the bed?” demanded Stoney. “And don’t lie!”

Another intrusively personal question.

“
Uh, well, let’s see, it’s been, uh . . . several months at least.”

“
Gross!” exclaimed Stoney. “I’d hate to see your mattress up close. Yuck!”

“
It’s not so bad,” commented Tyler. “Mrs. Wescott keeps a plastic sheet over it.”

“
Tie your dick in a knot,” suggested Carlyle. “That works for me.”

“
You can’t tie your dick in a knot,” exclaimed Tyler. “No one can.”

“
Wanta bet?” replied Carlyle. “How much you want to bet, smart guy?”

“
I’ll bet you five dollars,” he replied.

Carlyle stood up, tugged down his shorts, pulled down some extremely grungy undershorts, and–much to his fellow gang members’ astonishment–looped his very long and skinny dick into a neat knot.

“
Jesus H. Christ,” said Tyler.

“
I’d say you just made a fast five dollars,” commented Stoney.

Tyler extracted his thin teen wallet and handed over the cash.

“
Want to touch it, Stoney?” leered Carlyle.

“
Yuck, now I know I’m a dyke. Put that repulsive thing away and let’s hear Tyler’s big secret.”

Carlyle untied himself, zipped up, and we turned expectantly toward Tyler.

“
Well, my deepest secret concerns someone else here. I’m not sure I should spill it.”

“
Why not?” demanded Stoney.

“
Well, if my mom finds out, she’ll kill me.”

“
The secret must concern me,” I said. “OK, Tyler, you have my permission. Let’s hear it.”

“
You sure, Noel?”

“
Spill, brother!”

“
OK, Noel. Here goes. Your father isn’t Lance Wescott. It’s my grandfather, George Twisp. You and my mother are brother and sister.”

A cataclysmic revelation I wasn’t at all prepared to believe. Not for one second.

“
I don’t think so,” I said. “They were long divorced when my mother had me. She was married to Lance Wescott.”

“
True, Noel. But she and her first husband got together one last time and she accidentally got pregnant with you.”

My vodka-befuddled mind was reeling. It’s not nice to hear you were unwanted and unplanned, though that news, at least, didn’t surprise me. “How do you know all this, Tyler?”

“
I was awake one night. I overheard my mother discussing it with my stepdad. It’s true, Noel. You’re a Twisp, not a Wescott.”

“
Jesus, then I really could be your uncle.”