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She sniffed and worked the muscles in her throat to keep from giving sadness an edge. John was always so sure everything was going to work out. But what if it didn’t? Luke hadn’t shown up for this dinner party. What made John so sure he’d come to the wedding? Every week his absence made him feel more distant, less like the boy she’d raised. Less like he was even part of the family.

The conversation did a pinball bounce from the date and wedding party to the type of reception they wanted—formal, with assigned seating and a ballroom floor for dancing. But the details that had occupied so much of Elizabeth’s mind the last few weeks were suddenly small and unimportant compared with the fact that Luke hadn’t come. Elizabeth smiled and nodded and tried to look interested. But inside, in the hallways of her heart, she was reliving the phone call with Reagan.

How had the girl started the conversation? Hadn’t it been something about having some kind of news, something she wanted to tell Luke? But then they’d gotten to the truth about Luke’s new lifestyle, and talk had never gotten back to Reagan.

Elizabeth nodded at something Erin said about planning a wedding shower, but she was only half listening. What could Reagan have to tell Luke, and why had she been so adamant about not telling him she’d called? Had she been trying to get ahold of him to tell him she still cared for him, that she wanted to have another chance at a relationship? If so, then it was no wonder the news of his new girlfriend had frightened her off, made her want to never talk to Luke again.

The party wound down, and by eight o’clock Erin, Brooke, and Ashley were finalizing plans to meet with Kari the following week to scan the catalogues for bridesmaid dresses. Kari was the last to leave, and she gave Elizabeth a longer hug than usual. Ryan was buckling Jessie into her car seat in the truck, and John had gone upstairs, so Kari and Elizabeth were alone. For the first time that night, Kari’s eyes glistened with tears.

“I can’t believe it, Mom…I mean, really. After all these years, we’re getting married!”

“He’s perfect for you.” Elizabeth’s heart swelled as she cupped the side of Kari’s face. “Perfect for Jessie, too.”

“I know.” Kari wiped at an errant tear. “I think Tim would’ve been glad that Jessie and I are getting on with life.”

“Yes.” Elizabeth kissed her daughter’s forehead. “Everything’s going to work out just right.”

Kari hesitated for a second and brought her hand to her mouth. “Sorry. I didn’t think I’d be so emotional now.” She uttered a sound that was more laugh than cry. “The big announcement’s over.” For a moment she seemed to steady herself, and her eyes locked on Elizabeth’s. “But I wanted to thank you, Mom. You’ve…you’ve been amazing through this whole thing. You’ve always known what to say, what to do.” She sniffed. “You’re the best mom in the world. I want you to know that.”

Elizabeth’s throat grew thick. Mirrored in her daughter’s eyes were a hundred memories. Kari had shared each of them with her, every incident. She swallowed and the cloud of memories lifted. “It’s been a long road, my dear.”

“And you’ve prayed me through every inch of it.”

“Yes…” She gave Kari a wry smile. “The last few years have given your father and me calloused knees. But not just because of you.”

They were silent, both painfully aware of why the Baxter parents had been on their knees lately. Kari gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Don’t stop praying for him, Mom. Luke’s going to be okay. I feel it in my heart.”

“So does your dad.”

“And Dad’s always right.” Kari’s smile was sadder now, the sparkle in her eyes dimmer. “If Luke calls, tell him we missed him.”

When Kari was gone, Elizabeth dragged her feet up the stairs, one slow step at a time. She found John sitting near the fireplace in their room, staring at a photograph. As she came closer, she saw what it was. A framed picture of Luke and John on a hiking trip, taken a few years earlier when Luke was earning his Eagle Scout badge. The photo showed father and son, tired and happy at the end of the trip, their faces smudged as they stood side by side, their arms around each other’s necks.

John must have sensed her presence. He stood and returned the picture to the shelf near their bedroom closet. After a beat, he turned to Elizabeth. “He should’ve been here tonight.”

“Yes.” She went to rest her hands on his shoulders and soothe her thumbs against his neck. “It’s okay to miss him.”

He said nothing, merely hung his head.

“You’re always saying everything’s going to work out and that Luke’ll come home in God’s timing and that these things happen.” Her voice was soft. She knew her words were reaching the private places in his soul. “But you can’t fool me, John Baxter. You’re worried sick.”

John gritted his teeth and lifted his head just enough so that their eyes met. “I…I feel like a part of me won’t start breathing again until we get him back. The way he used to be.”

Elizabeth didn’t want to voice the obvious, that sometimes children make a choice to walk away and never return. That truth had hung like a sword over every conversation about Luke since he moved out. Instead she remembered once more her talk with Luke’s old girlfriend.

“Reagan called the other day.”

John straightened at the news, and his eyes searched hers. “Reagan?”

“Yes. She…she said she wanted to talk to Luke. She had something to tell him.”

“Did you tell her? About how he’s changed?”

Elizabeth nodded. “I had to. It didn’t seem fair after all these months to let her think he was the same.”

John opened his mouth, but only uttered a tired sigh. He took Elizabeth’s hand and led her to the love seat near the fireplace. Two logs blazed just beyond the fireplace screen, and the heat warmed the room. “Are you going to tell Luke?”

“That’s just it.” Elizabeth stretched out her legs, enjoying how her body felt next to her husband’s. Three decades, and she still reveled in the quiet intimacy of being alone with him. “Reagan practically begged me not to tell Luke that she’d called.”

“I thought you said she called because she needed to talk to him.”

Elizabeth leaned her head on John’s shoulder. “That’s what she said at the beginning of the call, but by the end—after she knew the truth about Luke—she didn’t want me to say a thing about her or the phone call.”

“Hmmm.” John was quiet. “Makes you wonder what she had to say.” He angled himself so he could see her better. “Are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know.” Elizabeth slid to the edge of the sofa and held her hands closer to the fire. She looked at John over her shoulder. “Should I?”

He bit his lip. “Normally, I’d say no. If the girl doesn’t want Luke knowing that she called, so be it.” He turned and gave a long look at the photo of him and Luke. “But right now I’d do anything to get Luke’s attention. Anything at all.”

Elizabeth stood and faced her husband. It was the answer she’d hoped he would give, because ever since dinner she’d been desperate for a reason to call Luke. She felt the corners of her mouth lift in a tentative smile. “So, I should tell him?”

John stood and pulled her into a long embrace. When they were finished hugging, he drew back and uttered words strained with emotion. “Please, Elizabeth. Please tell him.”

She nodded and checked her watch. It wasn’t quite nine o’clock; Luke would be awake. Maybe if she let him know about Reagan’s phone call he’d snap to his senses, leave this new girl who’d filled his head with so many lies, come home, and pour his heart out to her and John. He could call Reagan and find out she still loved him, get back on track with his faith and his future, and everything would be the way it had been before September 11, before the World Trade Center collapsed with Reagan’s father still inside.

Elizabeth crossed the room and picked up the telephone receiver. It was a good idea, telling Luke about Reagan’s call. After all, he’d been different with her, different than he’d been with any other girl. Every other time when Luke had dated a girl, he’d done so more as a way to pass the time. “In like,” Elizabeth used to call it. “Luke’s in like again.”

Not so with Reagan. Something about her had made Luke’s eyes sparkle every day of the week, and Elizabeth knew exactly why. Luke hadn’t just liked Reagan Decker. He’d loved her.

He probably still did.

That alone was enough to make Elizabeth break the promise she’d made to Reagan. She drew a deep breath. Her hands trembled as she punched in her son’s new phone number and waited.

When the phone began to ring, she did something else, the only thing that would ever bring about the miracle their son needed.

She prayed.

L
UKE SPENT AN HOUR
standing in front of the apartment window, but he didn’t see the lights of Indiana University. He saw a far different sight—the scene probably taking place across Bloomington at his parents’ house.

If the thing that had been chasing him was his past, then maybe it was time to let it catch him.

Kari and Ryan were getting married; that had to be it. And though Luke didn’t belong with the Baxters anymore, he was happy for Kari. Ryan had been Luke’s hero as far back as he could remember. Larger-than-life, high school football star, an athlete who’d earned a full-ride college scholarship and then a spot on the Dallas Cowboys. Ryan survived one of the worst injuries the National Football League had ever seen—all while keeping his faith.

Yes, Ryan Taylor was the best guy Luke had ever known, and until September 11 all he’d wanted was to be just like him. Okay, so he’d never play football in the NFL or even get beyond the intramural sports at IU. But still, he sort of looked like Ryan. Tall and strong, ready to bust up a room with a quick one-liner, blessed with social graces, and devoted to his faith. There were lots of ways he was just like Ryan.

Or at least he used to be.

He worked the muscles in his jaw. Lori was out again; she’d been gone all day to some seminar on self-directed spirituality. She was on a high-protein kick lately—only red meat, eggs, and boneless chicken. Something about getting fuel from the lower evolutionary rungs. The girl had so many approaches to eating he couldn’t keep track of them.

Homework helped him pass half the evening, but he’d finished his last bit of reading, and really, he should’ve gone to the party at his parents’ house. He couldn’t hide from them forever.

Eventually they’d have to accept that he was different now. They’d have to stop grilling him about his faith and stop asking when he would change back to the Luke Baxter they knew and loved. They could take him like he was or not at all. And if they couldn’t, well, what did that say about their supposed faith?

Luke wiped at a spot on the window where his breath had left a circle of steam. Tomorrow he and Lori would attend a campus function for the Freethinkers Alliance. The group intrigued Luke more than the other clubs Lori dragged him to. Even with his new mind-set—the one that wasn’t theistic in nature—some of the clubs she belonged to were downright wacky. Anger Diversion Art? One World Optimization? Luke shook his head. Voice of the Trees?

No, he didn’t fit into much of Lori’s world. But the Freethinkers Alliance—or FTA—now
that
was a group that sparked Luke’s imagination. Tomorrow’s message was “Removing Bias—Breaking Down the Walls to Freedom.” And later that month they’d spend a few weeks on the relativity of truth. Luke could hardly wait for
that
discussion, especially after a lifetime of thinking truth could be found only by walking through the doors of a church or living a life founded on some archaic book of letters.

Luke raked his fingers through his hair and turned from the window. The apartment was meticulously clean. Lori was a stickler for organization. Inanimate objects had a more powerful aura when they were put in their place. At least that was her theory. She had a fit if he left his clothes on the floor, and after a few arguments about the negativity of sleeping next to a pile of day-old clothes, he’d learned to hang them up.

A clock ticked in the background, and Luke sighed. The party would be over by now and he couldn’t help but wonder. Had they missed him? talked about him? shared with each other how lost he was now that he wasn’t exactly like them? He sank his hands in the pockets of his jeans and headed for the kitchen. A bologna sandwich would help take his mind off his family.

He was halfway to the kitchen when the phone rang.

Only a few possibilities existed anymore, since Luke had lost most of his old friends. And the new ones—usually they were too busy being enlightened to think about something as mundane as calling to shoot the breeze. It was a part of his old life Luke missed, the social part. Playing basketball with his buddies, catching a movie off-campus, hanging out at Art’s Attic for a couple games of pool.

Freethinkers didn’t spend their time that way; wasn’t that what Lori had said? Basketball was a source of unnecessary competition, the kind that eventually led to war; movies were tailor-made for nonthinking middle America and contained political agendas and influential stereotypes that were harmful to freethinkers. And playing pool at a bar? Uneducated cretins and male chauvinists, that’s who found fun in such simple pastimes.

So much for any of his old gang.

The phone rang a third time just as Luke picked it up and punched the On button. “Hello?”

“Luke? Hi…it’s Mom.”

Here we go
.… He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Hello, Mother.” He took the phone into the living room and plopped onto the sofa. His father hadn’t called in weeks, not since Luke snapped at him to get out of his business. But his mom called no matter what, once every few days at least. So why did she have to sound so strained and frightened, as though he might hang up on her the moment he heard her voice? He cleared his throat. “How was the party?”

“Good. Ryan and Kari announced their engagement.” She hesitated. “The wedding will be September twenty-first.”

“I figured that was it.” Luke closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his free hand. Lori had his mother pegged. From the beginning, she’d said his mother emanated negative vibes. The whole vibe thing didn’t sit well with Luke, but it was hard to deny the tension between him and his mother.

“Ryan wants you to be in the wedding party.” Her voice trembled. “He wanted me to ask you about it.”

Luke squinted toward the window. “I’m not sure. Can I let him know in a week or so?”

His mother paused, and when she spoke again she sounded tired and old. “Kari’s your sister, Luke. Why wouldn’t you say yes?”

“Because.” He let his frustration out in a huff. “Maybe I don’t believe in marriage anymore, weddings and all that ’til-death-do-us-part stuff. And maybe I don’t want to stand up there dressed in some establishment-driven black tuxedo making a hypocrite of myself.” He eased back on his tone. “That’s why.”

“Well, then…” She didn’t seem to have an answer for that. “At least think about it. Ryan cares a great deal for you. It would mean a lot for you to be part of the celebration that day.”

“Fine.” He leaned forward and dug his elbows into his knees. His stomach hurt, but he wasn’t sure if it was the “bad vibes” or just the tension of his old life clashing smack against his new one. “I’ll let you know.”

“Thank you.” She paused. “Luke, I have something else to tell you.”

A dozen possibilities flashed into Luke’s mind. Something had happened to Ashley or Landon…Maddie was sick again…or his father was passing on an apology. He waited.

“Reagan called the other day. She wanted to talk to you.”

At those first two unbelievable words, Luke felt the blood drain from his face, felt his heart beating hard in his throat, sensed the room begin to spin. His mother couldn’t possibly have said what he thought he’d heard. Reagan had called? His Reagan? She’d called looking for him? After how long—seven months? The idea was insane.

While his mother was waiting for his reaction, he grabbed a quick couple of breaths. The blood was returning to his face, but in small amounts. “Reagan?” He hated the way he sounded fifteen again, as though all the progress he’d made in the past half a year had disappeared at the mention of her name. “Are you sure it was her?”

“It was her, Luke. She apologized for not calling sooner, and she—”

“Wait.” His voice rose a notch. “Start at the beginning. I want to know everything.”

“I’m trying. We…we didn’t talk long.”

Something ignited a warning flare in the desert of Luke’s soul. “Did you tell her about me? You know, that I was living with Lori?”

His mother’s hesitation told Luke everything he needed to know. “What was I supposed to say, Luke? That you were upstairs waiting for her phone call?”

Luke bent at the waist and rested his forearms on his thighs. “Please, Mom. Start at the beginning.”

“Okay. She apologized for not calling sooner, and then she asked for you. I told her you didn’t live with us anymore, and that a lot of things had changed. She asked what I meant, and I told her.”

“Told her what?” Panic joined the other emotions vying for position in Luke’s voice. “What exactly did you say?”

His mother drew a slow breath, and when she spoke, her tone was stronger than before. “I told her the truth, Luke. That you’ve walked away from us and your faith and everything you once believed. That you never even stop by the house anymore, and that you are living with your new girlfriend.”

The words hit Luke like so many bullets. “You told her that?”

“Yes.”

Luke sat back and tried to assess the damage. Reagan must’ve been shocked. She might’ve stopped loving him the night of September 10, but the news would still have been hard for her to hear. “What did she say?”

“I think she was stunned, to tell you the truth. She said she hadn’t known. When I asked her if I should tell you she called, she said no.” His mother sounded sure of herself now. “In fact, she begged me not to tell you she called.”

The room was spinning again. “She…she begged you not to tell me?” Why had Reagan called? What if the details about his new lifestyle were such a shock that she ran away again, maybe never to make another attempt to contact him?

“Yes.” A sad sigh traveled over the phone line. “I almost didn’t tell you. But then…when you didn’t show up tonight, I thought you should know.”

“Know what?” Luke couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t fathom the idea that Reagan had reached out only to draw back, probably further and more permanently than before.

“The way your new choices are affecting people, Luke. People you used to love.”

Luke heard a key in the door and a few seconds later, Lori entered the apartment. Her face was pale, and it looked like she’d been crying. Her shoulders bent forward a bit as she set her books on the table. She rested there for a moment and then joined him in the living room. Luke gave her a little wave, pointed to the phone, and held up a single finger. He covered the speaker with his hand. “Be off in a minute.”

She nodded, stretched out on the opposite sofa, and closed her eyes. Whatever the seminar had involved, her aura and vibe level certainly didn’t seem stronger. Luke looked away from her and focused on his mother.

“Mom, listen…” Luke forced his head to clear. The desperation was gone from his voice, and he felt the room right itself. Why had he reacted so strangely? After all, Reagan had been out of his life for months. Thoughts of her now would lead nowhere. “You did the right thing. She had to know someday.”

In the cat-and-mouse game he and his mom seemed to be playing, she was now the mouse again. “So…what are you going to do?”

“About what?”

“About Reagan. Don’t you think you should call her, Luke? At least make some kind of contact?”

“She didn’t want me to know she’d called; isn’t that right?”

“Yes, but—”

“Look, Mom, I have to go. Lori’s home. Thanks for telling me; you thought that was the right thing to do and I appreciate that.” They were out of things to say, and Luke wanted to get away. If Lori was sick, then maybe she needed him—and that had happened only a few times since they’d been together.

His mother ended the call with a flurry of declarations—that his father sent his love, how much everyone missed him, and of course the point she never failed to make: everyone was praying for him.

When he hung up, Luke turned to Lori and studied her for a moment. She was small and well built, and he was used to sharing a bed with her. But he’d never really been attracted to her, not the way he’d been to Reagan.

She rolled on her side and opened her eyes. “What’d your mother want?”

“Just an update.”

For a few seconds Lori looked like she wanted more details, but she let it go. A low moan escaped her, and she reached around and pressed her fist into the small of her back. “My lower vertebrae are killing me. I did a self-assessment and visualization on the way home, but the pain’s still there.”

Luke wasn’t sure what to say. Couldn’t she talk like a normal girl, just once? As intriguing as he’d found her in the beginning, these days more often than not she came across as a self-righteous, academic snob. Reagan never would’ve been so—

He caught himself, stopping the train of thought before it picked up steam.
Breathe, Luke…forget about her and just breathe.
“How was the seminar?”

Lori cast him an indifferent glance. “I didn’t go.”

Luke stared at the woman he was living with. “I thought you took off class to go.” He waved his hands in the air. “It was supposed to be this big deal, remember?”

“So…I took off class and went to the doctor instead.” She pulled herself up and locked eyes with him. “Is that okay with you?”

He drew in a steadying breath. “Listen, Lori, if something’s wrong, you should’ve told me. Maybe I could help.”

“I’m fine, Luke.” She crossed her arms, and for the first time since Luke had known her, she looked young and helpless, more like a little girl than a college coed intent on changing the world. “It was just a doctor’s appointment.”

“All day?” He wasn’t trying to fight with her, but she didn’t look well. “What is it, the flu? a virus?”

“Look…” She was mad now. Her eyebrows came together in a sharp
V
as she stood and stared at him. “It’s
my
body, okay? I find it offensive that you would even ask.” She gave a sharp breath through her nose and turned toward their bedroom. Near the doorway she tossed him a final look over her shoulder. “And don’t worry. It’s not contagious.”

Luke watched her go and felt no remorse. He headed for the window once more and stared out. Lately he spent half his time in front of that single sheet of glass, looking at the world outside their apartment, wondering how life had gone mad. What would make a person hijack a plane and fly it into a building full of people? That had been the turning point, really. His life would be forever marked by how it was prior to September 11.…