Retail Hell (38 page)

“I want to return this bag. I don’t like the color.”

Fucking Nasty Ass Thief Bitch!

There was no way I was just going to hand her $500! I’d heard of these return scams happening in the clothing areas a lot, but this was my first one. Furious that she thought Queer Eye Handbag Guy was so stupid, I got an idea.

I grabbed the bag from her like I was going to ring it through the register and I said:

“This is a fabulous bag, the pugs are so cute. Did you know it’s a collector’s item? They didn’t make many of them. We only have this one left. How did you want to pay?”

“What?”

“How did you want to pay?”

“I want to return it.”

“No problem. We take all kinds of payments. Cash, Checks, Cards, whatever you want!”

“You’re not understanding me. I want to return it.”

Her request fell on deaf ears. This was starting to get fun.

“Oh yes, I understand. But I have to know how you want to pay before I can ring it up.”

Short Nasty didn’t get the game I was playing with her. Now she was starting to get confused.

“No, I want to return it. It was a gift,” she said.

“Yes, I can gift wrap. Did you want to pay with cash then?”

“I want to return it for cash!”

“Let me just ring it up and I’ll let you know what the total is.”

“I WANT TO RETURN IT!”

“You have to buy it before you can return it, silly. I’m sorry I don’t understand. The total comes to $568.92. You can always do part cash and part credit if you want.”

Short Nasty’s face was red now. I had hit her boiling point.

“I WANT TO RETURN IT!”

“Of course you can return if you don’t like it. Just make sure you keep your receipts!”

After several more minutes of this, she got so pissed off at me she threw her hands up in the air and said, “Never mind, I’ll just go to Customer Service.”

“You do that,” I replied, keeping the cute bag in my hands. “They can sell you a gift card so you can BUY it!”

I immediately called Security and alerted them to the Nasty Ass Thief.

To my delight, Short Nasty turned out to be a total dumb-ass.

She tried to do the same thing up in Designers.

Only this time Security watched her and caught the whole thing on tape.

Bitch went down.
Who’s stupid now?

Ten minutes later I sold the Fiore Pug bag.

“Yes, I need to return this bag,” said a young woman handing me a Coach bag that I had sold months before. It looked as if it had been thrown in the washing machine and hung out to dry during a tornado.

When the she saw the look on my face, she pushed the receipt and ticket in front of me and said, “Oh, it’s not mine. I’m just the one returning it. It belongs to my boyfriend’s mother. She shops here all the time and she said you wouldn’t give me any problems.”

After quieting my urge to want to hit her with the destroyed Coach bag, I said, “And what is wrong with it?”

“She said it threw her back out and she can’t use it anymore.”

And the Tomb of Wretched Returns slammed shut locking me inside.

Was this eternal Retail Hell Damnation?

I fully expected it would be.

I’d be an eighty-year-old ex-sales associate playing Wii in an assisted-living complex enjoying the twilight of my life. Then one day a letter would arrive, delivered by one of the cute male nurses. Only this would be no letter. It would actually be a bill from The Big Fancy, stating a customer had just returned a $300 Allure Pam bag because it didn’t wear well.

And they’d want their $21 commission back.

Retail Hell
was ten years in the making and it wouldn’t have been possible had I not encountered so many amazing, supportive people along the way.

To my cousin and fellow writer Beach Weston — from word one you gave me your passion, encouragement, creative talent, and laughter. Love you Cuz, we did it!

I am most fortunate to have the best sister in the world, Billee Burchett — you are a pillar of strength and wisdom, I love you dearly. And to her wife, Michelle Quevedo — you instill me with confidence and courage. Love you. Thank you both for your unwavering support. You got me to the finish line!

Daiva Venckus — your love, advice, and guidance throughout this process has been invaluable.

Harold Stoll — I raise my glass in a toast. Thank you for believing in me.You are an inspiration.

To my retailicious agent, Holly Root at Waxman Literary Agency — what can I say? I’ve won the agent lotto. Thank you for being my champion and guiding me through the wilderness.

There would be no
Retail Hell
book if Adams Media editor Chelsea King hadn’t taken it under her wing and led it on a journey of transformation — I’m deeply grateful for your dedication and hard work.

Wendy Simard — you are a Rockstar story editor and you’ve taught me so much. You raised my game. Thank you.

Heartfelt thanks to everyone at Adams Media for their tireless efforts — you are my publishing dream team and I feel like the luckiest author in the world. In particular, I’d like to thank Karen Cooper, Beth Gissinger, Frank Rivera, Colleen Cunningham, Leslie Norris-Hendrickson, and copy editor Jen Hornsby.

Thank you publicists Meryl L. Moss, Deb Zipf, and Jane Summer.

Brandy Rivers — my manager extraordinaire.

Vanessa Schafer — you are my muse, always there to inspire and make me laugh.

Jeff Swan — your optimism and friendship has kept me going.

Dr. Janna Segal — I’m forever grateful for your inspiring wit and humor.

Teresa Bozek — my cousin by blood, sister by heart. Thanks for being there.

To my moms away from mom: Colleen Peeler, Nancy Foster, and Betty Gomez, three amazing, strong, funny women — I’m thankful for your love and support.

To my peeps, retail and non, I love you guys: Krystine Chaparo, Christiana Glasner, Barb Roche, Michael Jameson, Bronwyn McKune, Andi Palmer. Andrea Morgan, Gail White, Ken Arlitz, Kelby Peeler, Terri Mills, Bruce Cassaro, Mark Brey, Jerry and Theresa Briggs, Leyla Mutlu, Kerry Daley, Julie Darling, Calindy Mann, Gina Mae Temelcoff, Richard Gasbarro, Johnny Law, Sharon Manning, Frances Roach, Stacy Lam, Beth Gates, Kari Del Mastro, Lisa Abreu, Elisabeth Walter-Marchetti, Kathyrn Foster, Benjamin Kissell, Sherina Florence, Melinda Filardo, Debbie Blute, Mandy Plax, The Ezran family, The Nakano family: Jean, Wayne, and Erin, and The Kibby Family: Walt, Danusha, and Walty.

Thank you to my family: Freeman and Lucy Burchett, John Burchett, Dave and Lee Marquardson, Bill Bozek, Missy Goss, Lana Cariaso, and Pam Vallandingham-Saralaqui.

And to the people whose talent has inspired and taught me: Stephen King, Steven Spielberg, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, David Sedaris, Augusten Burroughs, Anne Rice, Amy Tan, Armistead Maupin, Michael Thomas Ford, Michael Tonello, Thomas Lennon, Robert Ben Garant, Kerri Kenney-Silver, Marc Cherry, Bill Lawrence, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michael Patrick King, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah, Tyler Perry, Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson, Carolyn Myss, Eckhart Tolle, Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler, Lady Ga Ga, Madonna, Green Day, Sarah Brightman, Loreena Mckennitt, and my boy Spongebob.