Restore Me (2 page)

“This is my fault. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll
make sure you’re okay.”

I have to help. I have to make this better. I
can’t make it right, but maybe I can try to make it better. Maybe
there’s something I can do. I don’t know, but I have to try. The
ambulance arrives and I hurry her to the paramedics. They push me.
I want them to take care of her and all, but I want to stay with
her. She has no one else here. She needs a person. She needs
someone to watch and wait. Her parents aren’t going to make it; I
can tell. It’s my fault, so I’ll be here for her. I’ll be her
person. I have to be her person.

***

Even if just barely;
I’m still standing. I won’t sit here and lie to myself by saying
that I’m stronger for having gone through this. I don’t feel a damn
bit stronger for it. I feel like I single-handedly destroyed what
little happiness life offered me; Damon. The burden of this guilt
is crippling. I can’t imagine what my Big Man was feeling all these
years.
How in the hell could he possibly have felt
responsible?
He was just a kid. That accident was no more his
fault than it was mine. I wish I could say the same for what
happened a week ago.
If only I’d just let him explain.
The
memory of what happened is fresh and for once I find myself wishing
for time to take this memory from me. Something deep down inside
tells me that I probably shouldn’t hold my breath. The role I
played in Damon’s actions that day will likely haunt me until the
day I die and I can’t say I deserve any better. I fucked up.

That day, the day of his ultimate reaction, was
one week ago.

One week ago, on a Monday like today, my phone
rang off the hook until I turned it off completely. Damon had
pounded on my door for days, until that snobby neighbor called the
damned police to have him removed. I hadn’t checked my email. I
hadn’t gone anywhere. I hadn’t done…anything. Nothing. I’d been
lucky to even exist on Captain’s old sofa. I hadn’t seen Damon in
four days. I felt like my entire world had fallen apart.

Now I know that my world was only cracked when I
learned who Damon was. It really fell apart those four days later,
one week ago today, starting with a new banging on the door. A
softer, but still persistent banging that got Hemingway yipping his
tiny bark and me groaning like a dying animal. I felt like a dying
animal.

“Goooo awaaaaaaaay!”

The banging got louder.

“Girl, you better open this door!”

GRAMS! Oh shit, Grams! She’ll have a heart
attack in this heat. I rolled off the couch and crawled on fours
for a beat before finally standing up and swinging the door open
with such a rush that a hot gust of air traveled in with it.

Grams took one look at me and nearly choked.
“You look like shit! I mean real shit! A big steaming pile—”

It sounded so much more mortifying, coming from
Grams. “I get it! Come in, Grams.”

She smiled politely and looked over her shoulder
to a waiting car and held up a shaky finger. She shuffled in with
her walker, tennis balls and all. “I came to set you right, young
lady!”

Set me right? What the fuck? I screwed my face
all up and she wrinkled her nose at me. I guess it’s not my best
look.

“Me?”

“Yep! You!” she said sternly, wagging a finger
menacingly at me. “As much as it pains me, I have to set you
straight.”

It pains her? Awesome. I guess Grams didn’t like
me as much as I liked her.

“I love you to pieces,” she reassured me,
patting my hand. “I hope that once you hear what I have to say,
you’ll go find Damon and you two will kiss and make up.”

“What do you mean, go find him?” Where the hell
is he? My heart sped up instantly and I started to panic. The
thought of never seeing him again had me frantic.

“I’ll get to that in a minute. One thing at a
time.”

I nodded and did my best to appear calm and
attentive.

“So, he had two letters delivered to me today.
One was for me and one was for you. In my letter, he said he knew
you would come see me at some point and he wanted me to give it to
you. I’ll give it to you in a minute. First and foremost, young
lady, you need to know that Damon wasn’t driving.”

“What?!” I screeched.

She shook her head from side to side. “He
was
not
driving. My drunk, lousy, no good son was. He made Damon
tell the police that it was him who wrecked the car because he was
a minor and mostly, because he wasn’t drunk. Damon has always
blamed himself because he couldn’t get Eddie to pull over and let
him drive.”

Oh, no. I clutched my aching stomach. I felt
like I might be ill. He didn’t do it. It’s not his fault. “How
could he think…How…It’s not his fault!”

I crossed the room to sit beside Grams. She put
my shaking hand in hers and let me sob for a moment.

“I have to see him. I have to talk to him!” I
was looking around for car keys, in a veritable tizzy, when she
thrust an envelope at me.

“He isn’t answering and no one knows where he
is. Open your letter; maybe he has told you where he went.”

I snatched the envelope from her hand and ripped
it open. I’ve read it so many times in the last week that now I
know it by heart.

My Josephine,

I should have been smarter that day. I
should have been braver. I should have stopped him at all costs. If
I had, maybe none of this ever would have happened. You never would
have been hurt. We could have met and spent our lives together. You
must know that I have spent countless days thinking of how I could
have changed the outcome of that summer day so long ago. Had I
known how things would turn out, I would have done anything to
spare you and your family from the tragedy for which I hold myself
responsible. He wrecked more than cars that day. He wrecked your
life and mine in the process. And I was the only one who could have
stopped it all. I would take their place if I could. I would do
anything that would bring you happiness. I will make sure that I am
but a memory to you. You won’t have to endure the pain of seeing me
again. The anguish I saw in your eyes four days ago was far more
than I could ever bare. I can only hope that perhaps, one day, you
will be able to look back on us and smile, recalling the passion
and love we shared. Those are memories that torment and comfort me,
all at the same time. When you were mine, you made everything
better. You made my life better. You made me better. You have been
my medicine. You made the hurt disappear. My past is one that I can
never escape, I know this now. Please know that I would do
anything, I would give anything, to make things right. I want to
thank you for giving me the greatest gift I have ever known. For
what seems like a fleeting moment, I lived in the bliss of your
affection. To never know that bliss again is an agony that I cannot
endure. My heart is forever yours, Josephine. I love you.

-Damon

PS. You get it all.

My eyes bulged and watered. My heart pounded so
hard in my chest I could barely breathe. Grams pulled the letter
from my hand and read it. I jumped from my seat and started
searching for shoes, grabbing the nearest pair and stripping down
right there in front of her. I pulled a clean shirt over my head
and shorts up my legs. Where would he be? I had no clue where to
even start.

“The accident,” she muttered, staring down at
the letter.

“What?”

Her silver head lifted and I saw tears swimming
in her eyes. “The scene of the accident. He used to go there and
park along the shoulder to sit. He’d sit there for hours until I
would come find him. Jo, you have to go get him.”

Without hesitation, I grabbed keys from the
coffee table and ran out the door. I jumped from the top step to
the bottom and nearly busted my ass on the walkway. I scurried to
Captain’s car. I knew where the scene was; I’d been there a
thousand times, too. I used to go sit there and be miserable,
thinking about Maman and Papa and the boy who pulled me from that
car.

I thought of Damon all those years. He’d been in
my head all this time. I never forgot the big boy who kept saying
how sorry he was and that he would make sure I was okay. He did,
too. He made sure I was more than okay. He found me again that day
in the bookstore and everything changed in an instant. I had to
find him. I had to tell him that it’s not his fault. It was never
his fault. I had to tell him how much I love him.

I greatly exceeded the speed limit and drove
carelessly to the outskirts of town. When I turned onto the
familiar, narrow road, my heart ached in my chest. A terrible knot
formed in my stomach. Something’s wrong. Something’s wrong. I knew
it. I could feel it, like I felt it when Sutton died. My foot bore
down on the gas and the car surged forward even faster. I hauled
ass down the road until I saw taillights come into focus. I leaned
forward in my seat and squinted.

“The truck!” I drove up behind the truck and
came screeching to a halt, kicking up dust in the process. I threw
the car in park and jumped out. I couldn’t see him sitting in
there. I ran and climbed up on the running board to peek in.

“Damon!” I gasped and jumped down. I jerked the
door open and the scent of alcohol smacked me in the face. “Damon!
Baby, wake up!”

I climbed into the truck and use every ounce of
strength I had to lift him from his position laying across the
seat. I managed to get him upright and then realized that the best
news just turned into the worst. A prescription bottle was clutched
in his lifeless hand.

“Oh shit! Oh shit! What did you do?” I screamed.
I jumped from the truck and ran back to the car.

“Come on. Come on. Come on.” I found my phone
and called for help. “Please help! We’re on Scenic Loop! There’s
been an accident. Send an ambulance!” I ran back to the truck and
jumped in.

“Oh, please, baby! Baby, wake up!” I slapped his
face a few times, but he didn’t respond. I held two fingers to his
neck, then to his wrist; nothing.

“No. No. No. Damon!” I cradled his heavy, limp
body across my lap and rocked back and forth. “Please no! Not you.
Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. I love you! Please, Damon!” He
didn’t respond and I feared that he was really gone.

I heard the ambulance arrive and doors
slamming.

“Ma’am, we need you to move now.”

I slipped from under him, leaving his
unresponsive body in the seat. A police officer grabbed me up and
hauled me back, out of the cab and away from the truck.

“Damon! Please! Wake up!”

I watched helplessly as they pulled his body
from his truck and laid him on a stretcher. One paramedic straddled
his body and started resuscitation. The other two hauled the gurney
into the back of the ambulance with the one paramedic still working
on Damon.

I fell to my knees, the pain of the pavement
beneath them not even a blip on the radar compared to the ache in
my chest. I watched the flashing lights of the ambulance fade into
the distance and remained staring, paralyzed with shock and
fear.

Here I am, one week later. Still a Monday. Still
standing in the same place I was last week; the place where I met
my Damon.

***

Everything just
tilted on its axis. The world beneath my feet jarred and twisted
until it all became a distorted mess. My entire life has been put
through the wringer and I’m feeling the effects. I’m like a zombie,
walking around with no clue what to do or how to do it. I have no
recollection of ever having suffered this way, not even when Maman
and Papa died. The man I love chose to take his own life, and I
don’t know what the hell to make of it. Finding him there, in his
truck on the side of the road, completely ripped me apart. When I
found him, I felt true and absolute terror. Never in my life have I
felt such an encompassing sense of dread. Not when my parents died.
Not when I was on the streets. Not when I knew the store was going
under. Not even when I saw Captain lying on his floor with just the
tiniest bit of life left in his eyes. Seeing Damon, unresponsive
and lifeless, elicited an unfathomable level of fear.