Resplendent (12 page)

I flicked it and held the flame up to my face, watching the eerie glow that cast a shadow over my thumb. My life felt like it was caught up in flames without any physical proof but the pain. I was burning inside. I had twenty, sixty, a hundred things in this house, yet I was utterly empty.

A pile of emotions kept pushing me in one direction and pulling me in another. I didn’t understand.
Why
was a healthy, strong, and caring man suddenly gone at the age of forty-nine? I was angry at God for taking him, and I tried to control my rage, but then, I looked at each useless object in the room — things I would give up in a heartbeat just to have him in my life for one more day. I wished the tiny flame I held would jump out of my hand and land on the rug so it could destroy everything in here.
Material things don’t matter when the most important things in life can’t be replaced
. The void in me was the worst part of it all. I feared it would never be filled with what he brought into my life: wisdom, family values, and security.

Guilt leeched on to me for feeling all those things, because even emptiness meant I was still
alive
.

I’d been to funerals and had people I cared about pass away, but this was our first real experience as far as I could remember. This was my father, my hero. He’d taught me how to throw a ball, fought for me when my asshole of an 8
^th
grade math teacher accused me of cheating — and I
hadn’t
. He welcomed anyone into our house and offered them food, or a drink, or just the comfort of friendship.

Dad, can I borrow twenty bucks?

Dad, can we order pizza?

Dad, I need to borrow your car.

Dad, Dad, Dad. Always giving and never taking.

My mother died when V and I were young. I remember crying, but it wasn’t the same as now. My father I
knew
. I cried once, and now when I wanted to cry, I couldn’t. It wasn’t because I was a guy. My body just didn’t
let
me cry. I clicked the lighter off and put it back in my pocket. So what else could I do? I had only scratched the surface of processing that I had to leave his lifeless body at the hospital, and accept that cancer had won its battle. Making the phone calls to our closest friends and relatives, going to the funeral home, make the arrangements, and watching as they placed his pale gray coffin — slowly, always so slowly — down into the ground. It had taken eight months for the cancer to win out over his body and mind. Now, the process began for the rest of us to heal.

When I heard the sound of a car door slam, I shut my eyes. I had to say goodbye to someone else I loved. I told her to come at 4:00 thinking I’d be ready. I’d planned to go home right after the cemetery, alone, so that I could think.
I should be prepared, right?
No, I was just kidding myself. No amount of
time
could prepare you for letting go. Time didn’t wait for anyone, especially me. I’d
never
be ready to let her go. Her bubbly laugh, the way she looked down and to the right when she was uncomfortable, the scatter of freckles across her shoulders that I wanted to kiss, were just a few of the qualities that made me desperate to be with her all the time.
Always
. She was brilliant on a full scholarship with a life in Boston, while I was going to be stuck here, fixing my present so that I could live a better future.

What I was going to do was all for the better. She deserved every bit of happiness and freedom — every bit of attention. The sheer number of guys that would give her the attention she needed left me with a burning acidic feeling in my stomach, making the hole that was already there even bigger.

I had to let her go. I loved her, but I couldn’t be with her or she’d see how many bills I struggled to pay, how behind I was in school, and how I couldn’t take care of her.

When I heard her knock, I went to the door and opened it. She immediately ran into my arms, holding me tight. I tangled my fingers in her hair — the dark, thick hair I loved to wipe away from her face. God, I would miss her. She broke out into a sob, and if my body knew how to, I’d be crying right now as well. This wasn’t like pulling off a Band-Aid just to get it over with. This was slow, painful, and etched in my brain.

“I’m going to miss you too,” I said into her hair, and she just shook harder. I rubbed her back and held her over the same rug I’d been standing on for the last hour. We were two best friends with our fingers outstretched, barely touching and trying to hang on.

“I’m going to stay here with you,” she blurted out through her sobs and placed her chin on my chest. I looked down at her and wiped the tears that streamed down her cheeks.

“You can’t,” I said with a tone of sorrow I didn’t know I was capable of.

She nodded wildly. “I can. I’m going to transfer and complete my Masters degree here. I’ll move back.”

“Peach, you have a full scholarship.” I ran my finger along her temple and down the side of her face, in an effort to memorize her features.

She waved her hand as if it was no big deal. “Pfft, I’ll get a loan.” She took a step back. “I only need two years and after that...” She stopped to take in breaths, her chest heaving. “And I can work anywhere.”

No. It wasn’t right. I pulled her chin up. “Hey, look at me. This house is on the brink of being sold. I need to finish paying for my grandmother’s house, and my sister needs me. I need to grow up, Peach, stop partying, and keep the business going … I’m not good for you right now.”

She disentangled a tissue that I noticed was in her hand and wiped at her eyes.

“Dre, you don’t have to do this. I can be there for you.
Please don’t do this
…” She wrapped her arms around me again and buried her face in my chest. She was pleading with me, and I hated it. I didn’t want her to have to deal with anything. I had to take care of my family and ultimately, take care of her, because she was my family too. I listened to all the reasons in my head on repeat: My grandmother was getting older, more fragile, and my sister needed me. I hadn’t even finished college, for fuck’s sake! Panic rolled over me; I was drowning. She was glowing, and I was the dark cloth, covering her and her dreams.

“You deserve so much more than anything I can give you right now,” I told her.

“I can stay in Boston,” she sniffled, “I promise, I’ll stay! We can still talk and make this work! I’ll do whatever you want. Please…” her voice cracked.

I closed my eyes and rested my chin on her head.

“And then what? You have a boyfriend that you don’t see? That can’t take you on a date? That isn’t even in school?”

“I don’t care about that,” she responded, her shoulders slumped.

Of course. She’s the only girl I know that puts herself second to anyone else.

I broke free of her grasp and hit my chest with my fist. “I do!” I yelled. “I care that I’m going to hold you back because I don’t have my shit together!”

“But I want to be with you,” she said, her voice jumbled from crying. I took a step forward to hold her in my arms.

“So do I, babe,” I said in a softer voice and stroked her hair.

I could feel her head turn on my chest. “No, you don’t.” She pulled away and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her shirt. “Admit it. You just don’t want
me
.”

My heart was sore and it fell down the hole in my body. “I’ll never want anyone more,” I said quietly and held out my hand to her. She didn’t take it. Instead, she glanced at it, and her face scrunched up as new tears kept rolling out of her.

I grabbed her waist and pulled her to me.

This was the right thing to do. I knew it was what she deserved. She turned away and covered her face with her hands. I wasn’t looking into her eyes, but I could feel the pain that was pouring out as her shoulders shook with each sob. I ran my hands through my hair and pulled hard, waiting for pain, but there wasn’t any. I was numb on the outside too.

I dropped my hands to my sides, defeated, and walked up behind her. A weight of responsibility stomped on me and I could barely stand up. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her toward me so her back touched my chest. I tugged down on the collar of her shirt and kissed her neck. Her teardrops fell on the wooden floor.

“Loving you is easy, Peach. It’s everything else I need to figure out. Let me be a better man for you.” I leaned my head over her ear and whispered, “I promise I will.”

She wiped at her eyes and turned around, and I knew that I had broken her heart. I held her tight. I didn’t think I ever would, but there I was, scum for breaking her loving heart.

I just wanted her to believe me. I
hoped
she believed that this was breaking me too.

“It’s fine, Dre. I’ll be fine.” She sniffed.

I held her face and cleaned up her salty tears with my thumbs. “You believe me, Peach, right? That I love you?”

She didn’t look at me and stayed quiet. I turned around and walked toward the window, placing my hands on the glass. I watched as the sun hovered above the houses behind ours. This day would soon be over.

I slammed my palms on the window. “What do you want from me?” I turned around to face her and rested my back on the glass behind me. “I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to be what you need!” I yelled, not caring.
She has to understand.
She stood still and stared at me with a blank expression. Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail, and her nose was pink from crying as her beautiful lips pulled in a tight line. Her silence was deafening.

“Just wait for me, Peach … wait for me.” What was I asking her, exactly? To wait, but
for what
? A girl like her wasn’t going to wait long. I thought about all the guys that would ask her out, fall in love with her,
fuck
her. I twisted my body and punched the wall hard, making a deep hole. I was angry at her, at cancer, and myself. If only I wouldn’t have wasted any time. Now I had to concentrate on getting out of this mess as quickly as possible so I could get her back.

She came up behind me and kissed my back softly. I inhaled a sharp breath and turned around. I traced my finger around her lips and her mouth opened to speak.

“I’ve
been
waiting for you,” she said quietly, and when I tried to reach for her, she pulled back
. Again
.

“Peach, don’t be mad. We’ll always have each other. Anything you need, anything at all, I want you to call me first, okay?”

She nodded again as her bloodshot eyes stared at me in silence. Finally, she walked to the front door and turned around one more time to blow me a kiss goodbye.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and stood by the doorway. My eyes trailed her every move. The way she walked and how her chin was held high with each step she took. How she glanced back after putting on her seatbelt and placed the car in reverse. Not once did she look at me. It had been less than five minutes and I already missed her loving eyes.

I closed the door and plopped down on the sofa, pulling the quilt over me as I replayed the image of the love of my life driving away. I remembered how she looked when we made love in Boston and the satin feel of her lips on mine. Sleep overtook my body and the day slipped away.

“At what time does her flight land again?” Carmin yawned into the phone.

“3:17,” I answered and walked quickly through the doors of the Logan International Airport. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure Lola was keeping up with me. I had a practice photo shoot with Brittany in an hour and a half and wanted to make sure my godmother was set to go on her flight. I hated being late.

“I checked flights a few minutes ago and it looks like they’re on schedule, so try and be there on time,” I reminded her and smiled at Lola. She smiled back and pointed to Starbucks.
Heaven in a cup
. I eagerly nodded and she laughed.

“I’ve picked up people before, I know what to do,” she argued. It was one thing to know what to do and another thing to actually
come through
. I hoped she wouldn’t keep her mother waiting a long time if she was late. My thoughts were interrupted.

“How was her birthday?” she asked softly.

“Awesome! I showed her as much as I could. This morning we walked the Freedom Trail and yesterday did a duck tour and the New England Aquari -”

“That’s cool,” she broke in and I could hear her yawn again.

“Tired much?” I asked and grimaced when I saw how long the line for coffee was.

“Crazy night. I ran into Eddy and Adam at Coco Walk, we hung out.”

My ears perked up and I twisted a strand of hair with my fingers.
Don’t ask, don’t ask, don’t ask
.

“Was Dre there?” I asked and closed my eyes tight.
Stupid mouth
.

“He was there at first, but then some chicks met up with him and … you know Dre,” she practically sang the words to me. The fact that she called him Dre didn’t go unnoticed. I wrapped my free arm around my stomach.

“Is that what everyone’s calling him now?” I ran my tongue over teeth.