Resilient (2) (35 page)

“Not myself, nothing’s worth losing myself.”

“Well the loosin’ is all up to you now, dat truth.” She winked and took her plate. Katrine knew what she meant. Losing her identity, well that would be on her and no one else.
 

“Thanks, Millie. Can I make a plate and eat outside?”

“I’ll make Sweets a plate too.”

Katrine was sitting outside drinking her third cup of coffee, looking out at the lawn and picking at her breakfast. There were no signs that a party was held the night before. Everything was back as it was. The Abbot men had yet to make an appearance. Millie mentioned Abner took his breakfast in bed. The idea of seeing Alexander, Sr. this morning was not appealing. But maybe a little one on one time with Xander’s dad would be beneficial. She’d had every intention of getting to know him and vice versa, but aside from a few exchanges at dinner, she didn’t talk to him the whole night. He was always otherwise engaged.
 

Xander stepped out onto the terrace, feet bare, wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and a Yankees baseball cap. His hair flipped out at the bottom. He never wore hats, now she was wondering why.
 

Damn it, why does he have to look so freaking hot!

“Good morning,” Xander said in a cheerful voice. He kissed her head and pulled out the chair across from her, taking a sip of the water by his plate. He looked at her, waiting for her to answer. She got busy staring at her plate. It’s strange when silence isn’t quiet. Sometimes silence can vibrate with the anticipation of things yet to be said. This was one of those times.
 

 
“I take it by your silence that your disappearing act last night was because you’re mad about something.” He had a slight tone, and Katrine didn’t see how she was on the receiving end of his annoyance. Wasn’t she the injured party? She didn’t look at him or answer. She was way too busy studying the fruit on her plate.

Wrong approach dick head, strike one…

“If this is about Victoria, I didn’t know they were coming or I would have warned you. She and her family were supposed to be in France. When I saw she’d arrived, I looked for you, but you were nowhere in sight.”
 

She never hated a name as much as Victoria at that second, it might as well have been Hitler or Satan. And why the hell did he know her travel schedule? And he would’ve warned her? He should have told her a long time ago about this person. That was the bottom line.

Strike two…

“There’s no need to feel insecure or threatened in any way, Katrine. She knows I’m not interested. She actually wanted to meet you, but you left without a word. It was kind of embarrassing, really.”
 

He may have been right on some level, but her blood boiled, anyway. She looked longingly at the knife just inches away from her hand. But stabbing him in the eye wouldn’t help the situation.

Insecure? Embarrassing?
Strike three!

“So, I came outside after walking
your
grandfather to his room. And what do I see? Her. The woman you cheated on me with, ruining everything and breaking my heart… She’s in front of me, hugging your father and you. You hugging her back. How long have you known her, Xander? Who is she to you?” Tears fell down her cheeks and she hated herself for it. Katrine swept her hands across her face, wiping the moisture away and held up her hand to stop him from leaving his seat. Her tears always had an effect on him, but she didn’t want that right now. She needed answers.

“Come on, let’s go for a walk,” he suggested. She nodded, but didn’t take his hand. She wasn’t ready to touch him just yet. She was still too upset. He dropped his arm and went to slip on some shoes he’d left by the back door. They walked by the pool and then to the spot under the trees. He sat down and patted the grassy spot beside him. If he thought they were going to have an encore of yesterday’s amorous activities, he was completely deranged.
 

He sat quietly for a moment, then said, “Victoria and I grew up together. Our parents were best friends, so were we at a point. After college we dated and became moderately serious for like a minute. She wanted a ring, I wanted out. We went our separate ways, but hooked up every now and again. We’re still friends, but I don’t see or talk to her very often. She knows that we’re together now and how I feel about you. Again, she wanted to meet you last night, but you were nowhere to be found. I told her you must have gone to bed early.” He still sounded upset about that. She was kind of embarrassed about it too, but she’d never tell him that.
 

“You didn’t think it important to tell me you still have contact with her?”

“Honestly, I didn’t think to bring it up. I wasn’t hiding it, but why upset you when there’s nothing to be worried about?”

“When did you last sleep together, Xander?” It came out quiet and timid. Katrine was afraid of the answer, but her morbid curiosity won out. He didn’t answer her right away, like he was trying to pinpoint the date.

Not good.

“March or April, I think.” Her eyes closed behind her sunglasses, hating to hear that is was so recent. She had no room to be jealous or angry, but she was anyway. Sometimes logic takes a back seat to emotions, in fact, most of the time.
 

The fact that it was
her.
 

“Before or after the accident? Before or after you came to the hospital and threw my life out of whack? Before or after you had Jaimie spy on me?”
 
It was all coming out now. Maybe that was a good thing.

 
Keep calm. Breathe deep.

“Katrine, why does it matter? You were with Ian. Am I wrong about that? I’ve apologized countless times for Jaimie. You said you were over it.” His voice came out a bit clipped.
 

“Yes, I was with Ian. But I guess it bothers me because you were still keeping tabs on me. You tell me that you were in love with me the whole time and never got over me. Yet you could sleep with other women. I don’t even want to know how many.” She paused for a minute. “You know what…that’s not it. I know you were just trying to live your life, to move on…I’m upset because you slept with
her.
 
That you have a long history with the person you cheated on me with and then continued to sleep with after that horrible day. It just hurts. And look at it from my perspective, Xander. I came down and there she was. I was blindsided. Excuse me for not waltzing down there and shaking her hand. I mean, who the hell does that?”
 

She exhaled loudly and looked up at the leaves above their heads. She had to say this next part, but he wasn’t going to like it.

“You said that was one of the worst days of your life, so didn’t sleeping with her remind you of that day? Shouldn’t it have? I think seeing her made me realize that I don’t fit into your world. But Victoria, she fits. I think on some level you know that, too.”

“That’s complete bullshit! You don’t fit in my world? Katrine, you are my world.” He turned to her and put his hands on her cheeks. “I don’t want Victoria or anyone else. What else do I have to do to convince you of that?” He shook his head and dropped his hands.

“It’s not something you have to convince me of. I know how you feel about me. Seeing her again, just brought everything back. ” She paused and rubbed her forehead. “For the better part of the night I felt like an afterthought…I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Is that why you left? Did you want me to search for you? Prove that you mattered more than anyone at the party?”

“Please, do-not patronize me. I left because I was hurt, not because I wanted you to run after me. Were you with her all night, your father? I was up there alone for a long time. Why didn’t you check on me?” She kept the pretending to sleep part to herself. She wanted to add to his guilt, not give him points.

“You know, you’re right, I’m sorry. I came to check on you, but you were already asleep. And the rest of the night I was with my cousins. I hadn’t seen them since last year. We started talking and drinking and before I knew it, it was two in the morning.”
 

“Okay, Xander.” But he didn’t seem satisfied by her short answer so he pressed on.

“What is this really about? You keep saying you don’t fit into ‘my world’. Is this about money?”

“It isn’t just the money as much as the lifestyle and the people. When it’s just you and I, it’s fine. But last night I felt uncomfortable. Like I was an outsider.”

“Yes, I have money and privilege, but that’s not who I am, that’s not what defines me.”
 

“I think you struggle between who you really are and who you’re expected to be.”

“Damn it! Don’t give me that, Katrine. You know me better than anyone on this planet. I’m just a regular guy who happened to be born into an affluent family. I can’t help that any more than a kid who’s born into a family living in a one room shack in the slums of a third world county. It’s the hand I was dealt. Am I sorry that I have a comfortable life? No, but there are pressures and expectations that people just can’t fathom. It’s not all parties, fast cars, and champagne.”
 

He picked a piece of grass and twirled it between two fingers, lost in his thoughts. “Sometimes I envy the guy with his house in the suburbs. Gives his wife a kiss and puts in his eight hours. Comes home to a family, leaving work at the office. I think my problem is that I’m my mother’s son trying to live in my father’s world.” He paused and looked into her eyes. Willing her to understand him.
 

“Money isn’t everything, not to me. Happiness, contentment…love. Those are the things that matter most. That’s what I care about. You taught me that…Screw the rest of it. I want a life!” He ran his left hand through his hair. It was a rough, frustrated gesture. “I want a life with you, Katrine… Fuck! Listen to me.” He chuckled and shook his head. His declaration had taken something out of him. Not out of him, but away from him. Chipping at the façade he carried like the clothes on his back. They’d had many deep conversations, but this was something separate, palpable. She could almost feel a shift in the air. But whether that made a difference, she wasn’t sure.

“This house, this lifestyle. It’s so foreign to me and I don’t think I fit. That’s not insecurity talking, it’s just the truth,” she admitted, looking out towards the field where Figaro was grazing.

He grabbed her hands with a swiftness that startled her. “Don’t you dare leave me again! Don’t you fucking do it. You are the only thing in this world I can’t live without. Don’t you know that? Without you I’m a shell of what I could be. Without you I’m just…” Tears welled in his eyes and for the first time, he let one fall in front of her. His pride be damned.

Chapter 36

Katrine stared out of the window, the sky was an infinite span of blue. There was a thick blanket of clouds beneath the plane, a sign of a storm below. She shifted in the seat, her emotions keeping her from getting comfortable. Tori Amos singing “Tear in Your Hand” wasn’t helping. She ripped out her earbuds with a sigh and leaned back into the soft leather.

She was alone this leg of the trip. Xander had stayed behind, which had been the plan from the start. But after their heated discussion she didn’t think he would have wanted to be on the plane with her, anyway. She hated how they’d left things.
 

They had walked back to the house in silence, she packed, and then he drove her to the private airport. The conversation in the car had been brief and strained. He was upset with her, she was upset with the situation. But what was really eating her were Xander’s parting words as she was about to board the plane.

“Katrine, when you left the first time, I’d messed up in the worst way possible. The fact that you gave me a second chance is more than I deserve, I know that…You know how I feel about you and you know where I stand. So whatever is going on with you, take some time and work it out. But, if you decide to leave me again…this time, it’s on you.” He gave her a soft kiss on the lips and walked away. His striking green eyes held so much sadness in them. It broke her heart that she was the cause of it. She wanted to scream, “No, don’t go!”, but that would only be a temporary salve. She did have things she needed to work out.
 

Was she trying to sabotage her relationship? She had with Ian, now she was doing it with Xander. She had legitimate concerns, but were they deal breakers? Maybe her divorce had scarred her deeper than she’d thought. Maybe her subconscious mind was afraid of really committing. Afraid of getting hurt, of being left.

After all of this, I’m the one with commitment issues.

It was a revelation and not the hallelujah kind, but the this-effing-blows kind. She needed to think on it and pow wow with her peeps, like immediately.

“So that was my weekend in a nutshell. I just don’t know what to do. I need help on this one, guys.” Katrine sat on the floor of her living room. Her friends all came over when she told them this was a “bat signal” type situation. Jane was the only one who couldn’t make it. The pregnancy test she’d taken a few days prior had come back negative, again. Katrine asked if she wanted company, but she just wanted to cry on her husband’s shoulder for a few days. Jane’s spirit was breaking and to see that happen to her sweet, sunny friend was tragic.

“And before you say it, Paige, I know you can’t tell me what to do. I just need some advice.” Paige’s mouth clamped shut. That’s exactly what she was going to say.

“You’re the one I always go to for advice. Sure, I’m good for a smart ass quip, but this…I’m at a loss here,” Charlie admitted. “What does your gut tell you, friend?”

Katrine twirled her wine glass by the stem, watching the dark liquid slide. Nope, nothing from the gut. “That’s just it, I always go with my gut. But I’ve got nothing. My gut gave me the finger and took a vacation.”

“You love him though, right?” Izzie asked.

“Oh my god, so much, but since when is that the only thing that mattered?”

“Um, since always!” Maddie said.