Remember My Name (20 page)

I look up at him, stuffing
both hands into my back pockets. “You really wouldn’t be mad?”

His tone cools a bit as he
says, “I didn’t say I wouldn’t be mad, but I can promise you I would be a lot
less mad if you called than if you ended up in the ditch or in a police car or
the hospital. The key is to not get into trouble in the first place, though.”

“Fair enough,” I say.

“And that’s on Friday, you
said?”

“Yeah.”

“You and Jackson going
together?”

“I don’t know.”

Dad looks puzzled. “You
don’t know if you’re going together, or you don’t know if he’s going?”

Swallowing hard, I avert my
eyes. “We don’t really talk a whole lot these days.”

He sighs but doesn’t say a
word until I look up. “You boys will get through this, I know it.”

“Okay, sure.” I can’t bring
myself to tell him I think he’s wrong.

Ben

Music pounds through the
house as I follow in Katie’s wake through the crowd. No one looks older than
eighteen, and quite a few look a lot younger. I’m surprised that this place
hasn’t gotten busted already. We’d never get away with a party this loud and
blatantly underage back home. But we’re also miles out in the country, so maybe
it makes sense.

Slipping her fingers into
mine, Katie pulls me through a particularly dense clump of guys surrounding the
keg. The two guys manning the silver drum run suspicious eyes over me before
focusing on Katie. I don’t detect any recognition in their expressions, but
there’s definitely something else there.

The guy with his hand on the
tap speaks first. “Hey Baby, what can I get you?”

She flashes him a smile, “A
couple beers.”

“Sure you don’t need just
one?” He flicks an irritated look back at me. Shoo fly shoo, it says.

“Definitely two.”

Red Solo cups in hand, she
guides us back through the mass of bodies to the sliding glass door off the
kitchen. Humidity hits us like a wave as we step out onto the deck. Quickly
shutting the door behind me, I follow her to the railing overlooking the lake
behind the house. It’s a bit quieter out here but not much. Apart from two
skinny girls sharing a drink on the other side of the deck, we’re alone out
here. No one else wants to leave the air conditioning inside, and considering
how sticky it is out here, I don’t blame them.

“It’s still early,” Katie
explains. “Once the fireworks start it’s really going to get hopping in here.”

“Hopping, huh?” I smirk.

“Careful, punk,” she shoots
back. “You’re a long way from home.” I’d be worried that she’s actually upset,
but I’ve long since gotten used to her snappy retorts.

When the head on my beer has
settled enough that I can drink without fear of getting a foam mustache, I take
my first sip. It’s cold and refreshing, but it’s not as good as the Spotted Cow
beer that Dad gave me. Unbidden, Dad’s warning on staying out of trouble
springs to mind. It’s silly, because I’m sure he doesn’t care if I have a few
beers. At the same time though, I don’t want to risk disappointing him. Did Jackson
get the same talk as me?

“What are you thinking
about?”

“Huh?” I pull myself out of
my thoughts. “When do the fireworks start?”

She gives me an incredulous
look. “You were thinking about the fireworks?”

“Yeah.” I sigh and lean back
against the railing, resting on my elbows. The edge of the top rail digs into
my lower back, but I don’t want to look dumb by changing positions so soon.

“They’ll start shortly, I
think.”

The light from the kitchen
spills out onto the deck, silhouetting her face against the darkness. She’s
beautiful like always. “Thanks for inviting me tonight,” I say.

Katie takes a sip of her
beer. “I still think it’s stupid that Jackson didn’t ask you himself.”

I look away, the moment
broken. It strikes me how much of a real pain in the ass Jackson is. Not only
can I not get close to him, somehow I can’t get away from him either, not even
when I’m trying to have a private minute with Katie.

“Sorry,” she says. “I didn’t
mean to bring him up again.”

“How did you know it
bothered me?”

“You’ve got a Jackson look.”

I laugh and take a longer
swig this time, wanting to speed up the carefree feeling spreading through me.
“Oh, do I? You do know we’re identical, right?” I tease.

She rolls her eyes and
elbows me in the ribs. “I mean, you have a look when you’re
thinking
about Jackson. I know that you look like each other, you dork.”

“You’re sexy when you’re
trying to insult me.” I grin playfully, reveling in the fact that the drink in
my hand is already curbing my inhibitions.

Katie is shaking her head
when the first firework explodes over the far end of the lake, green and orange
flaring into life high in the sky. After just seconds, the glass door to the
kitchen flies open and the deck begins to fill as more fireworks go off. In a
few minutes, the deck is packed, and Katie and I have been squished into the
corner. I take the opportunity to let my arm slide around her waist. She
tenses, but only for a moment.

The display continues,
painting the celestial canvas of southern Minnesota with vivid pigment, all reflected
up from the lake as wavering ghost images of the originals. The display isn’t
anything like the showy extravagance of the one I see in L.A. every year, but
it’s still pretty cool, especially since it’s over a lake. Without the light of
a sprawling city washing out the sky, the colors are certainly more intense.
Quality over quantity, I suppose.

I finish my beer before the
finale, so when the explosions reach their climax, I have a free hand to pull
Katie toward me. “Happy Fourth of July,” I whisper, pulling her in. Bursts of
color bathe the sky as I kiss her for the first time since the night I left
Jackson to paint my room.

When I pull away, she says,
“That’s not fair.”

The crowd around us thins as
people migrate back inside the house. “What’s not fair?”

“Fireworks aren’t fair.” She
sticks her tongue out at me.

A breeze picks up, giving us
some relief from the heat as I shake my head. “No way, they’re totally fair.
You want another drink?”

“Yes, sir.” She salutes me.
Apparently I’m not the only one who isn’t used to drinking very much.

This time, I’m the one
leading the way as we cut back through the kitchen to get to the keg. At the
edge of my vision, I glimpse Jackson near the dining room table taking a shot
with two other guys. Matt is one of them. I continue toward the keg, wondering
when they arrived. Fighting back the flood of frustration, I try to push him
out of my mind. I’m having a good time, why bother changing that?

Katie and I get our second
round of beers and return to the deck. It’s not as deserted as when we first
came out here, but definitely not as busy as during the fireworks. I down half
the beer in the first drink, making my Adam’s apple bob up and down repeatedly
before lowering my cup. In front of us, the lake stretches out like a mirror,
harboring a pinpoint of light for every one of the myriad stars spread across
the night sky. A moment later, a flash of distant lightning snakes across the
blackness just above the horizon, illuminating distant clouds. Maybe the
humidity will break tonight after all.

“You saw him, didn’t you?”

I wait a full minute before
responding. “Yeah.”

“You want to go inside?”
There’s another half to her question, but she doesn’t need to say it.

“No. And yes.”

She lets out a breath so
long I can practically feel her shoulders drooping. “Then you should go.”

“I’ll be back, I promise,” I
say as I turn to her, hoping to find something other than disappointment in her
face.

“Sure,” she says, turning
her back to me as she leans against the railing.

Leaving her, I head back
inside to find Jackson still standing with Matt and the other guy I don’t know.
The music thuds, forcing everyone to yell to be heard.

“Hey,” I say, joining them.

“Holy shit,” the guy next to
Matt exclaims, “I didn’t know you had a twin, Jackson.” He’s built, especially
in his shoulders, and he’s a little taller than Jackson and me.

Across from me, my brother’s
eyes narrow just a bit. “Surprise, surprise,” he says. Matt looks amused.

“That’s so crazy,” the guy
says. “I’m Justin, by the way.”

I shake his hand. “Ben. Nice
to meet you.”

Over the next ten minutes,
Jackson does his best to ignore me, but Justin continues to include me in their
conversation. Even Matt directs the occasional comment my way, although they’re
more like snarky quips. I really do hate that guy.

I’m not sure where I’m
hoping this will go, especially since the topics begin to center more and more
on students in their graduating class that I’ve never met.

“Oh God,” Justin interjects,
struck by some sudden recollection. “Did you hear about Stephen Waymire? I
always knew that kid was a fag, but I guess he finally admitted it after we
graduated.”

Matt and Jackson both laugh,
but a nervous note skates through it. I lock eyes with Jackson, sensing the
unease there. He doesn’t look away, and a brief moment of silent communication
passes between us.

I feel Matt watching me
while Justin goes on about how disgusting he finds fags, oblivious of
everything else. Dropping my gaze, I take a quick drink from my Solo cup. I
can’t imagine how this is making Jackson feel, having to laugh along. My
stomach twists as I realize that he probably still thinks I have a problem with
his sexuality too.

I look back up at Jackson.
He’s staring off into space, but anxiety permeates his features. A bitter taste
diffuses across the back of my tongue. This has to end. “Jackson,” I say,
interrupting Justin. My brother’s attention snaps onto me. “Can I talk to you
for a minute?”

His glare makes me wince,
but he lets me take him away from his friends, my hand on his shoulder guiding
him toward the door. Once we’re outside, he keeps walking away from me.

“Hold up,” I say, catching
his arm. His bicep tenses beneath my hand. “What do you want?” Jackson demands,
yanking his arm away when I don’t let go. The muffled bass from the party
thumps like an erratic heartbeat.

With everyone either outside
or out back, we’re completely alone. I open my mouth to tell him to stop being
such an asshole, but then I close it and rethink my strategy. I can’t afford to
let him keep slipping away, and I can’t waste any more time. “I’m sick of us
fighting. I miss what we used to have.”

He hesitates like he wasn’t
expecting that from me. My eyes dart to his t-shirt and the damp area under his
right arm before his voice pulls my attention back. “Then what the hell is
going on? Why are you acting like this?” He still sounds pissed off, but I can
hear curiosity there too.

“Why am
I
acting like
this? Why are you? Fuck, Jackson, we used to be best friends and way more
beyond that. You–” My voice catches. More quietly, I press through my
hesitation. “You used to… you know, watch out for me. And now? It’s like you
couldn’t care less about anyone but yourself. You just don’t give a shit
anymore, Jackson, and I have no idea why. You’ve tried your damndest to keep me
out of your life here, and it’s working.” My chest is tight with emotion, but I
need him to hear all of this. “You want to know why I’m pissed all the time,
why I moved out of your room, why it hurts to even look at you anymore? It’s
because you’re not the brother I remember. The one who held me through
thunderstorms and stuck his neck out for me all those times. Where did he go?”
Inside my head, the question I really want to ask confesses itself silently to
the night air.
Where did Jacks go
?

Across from me, Jackson
shifts his weight from one foot to the other. The porch light behind him makes
it hard to see his face clearly, but when he inhales it sounds like his sinuses
are wet. Was he trying not to cry?

His voice is clear of
emotion when he speaks. “Sorry to tell you, Ben, but he’s gone. I’m still your
brother, always have been, but things are different now. You might as well
forget about the way it used to be between us, because that’s in the past.”

A rustling in the trees
precedes the wind picking up. It’s cool and tastes like rain. “I don’t believe
that. It doesn’t have to be that way.”

“Maybe, but that’s the way
it
is
. I’m sorry if you think I’ve been pushing you away. I’ll try to
include you more, okay?”

I sigh, feeling like this
didn’t go at all how I wanted. “Yeah okay, Jackson, thanks.”

He frowns, exhaling a breath
teeming with frustration. “I’m trying here, all right?”

Except it’s not true,
because he’s still holding back. We might have drifted over the years, but I
know myself well enough to recognize the expression he’s wearing now. His eyes
– sullen on the surface – hold deeper emotion than what I can see.
Is he hung up on me discovering he was gay? I was upset at finding out the way
I did, but the actual fact of him being into guys doesn’t really bother me.
He’s my twin, and I want him to be happy. If a guy is going to do that for him,
I’m all for it.

But does he know that? We
never really discussed it, but I figured he wanted it that way, that he wasn’t
comfortable talking to me about it. Which hurts just like everything else.

“Are you still upset I found
out you’re gay?”

Jackson’s gaze digs into me
before another voice slices through the air. “What the fuck?” A guy walks out
from the dark side of the house, zipping up his fly. “Long line for the
bathroom, so I came out to take a piss, but I guess I got more than I planned
on.” The guy has wide shoulders and a stupid jock look to him. “I always
thought something was off about you, Jackson. Also funny, I didn’t know you had
a brother. A twin even, looks like. He queer too? I wonder how many other fags
in our school were just waiting for graduation to finally come out.”