Remember My Name (14 page)

“Your speedometer is broken
too?” Jackson asks, apparently noticing at the same time.

Grinning again, Matt nods.
At least the noise of the wind and the engine almost drown out the clicking of
the turn signal relay or whatever.

When Matt finally pulls into
our yard, it’s with more than a little amazement that I jump out of the truck
and find myself on solid ground. Jackson hasn’t moved from the center seat. He
can do what he wants, but I’m going to bed.

“Later, Ben,” Matt calls after
me. I flip a hand in the air to show that I heard him but I don’t turn around.

Ben

The next day, Katie comes in
before lunch for the first time since I started working for Jeff. She finds me
in the greenhouse talking with a lady and her daughter.

“So these all require full
sun?” the woman asks me, gesturing to the rows of pots on the far side.

The ever-present hose
dangles from my hand, a steady drip of water draining from the end. I think the
shut-off valve on the wand is failing. “Correct, except for those waxy looking
ones with red and white flowers,” I point to a tray about ten feet away.

“What flower is that?” she
asks. Her daughter stoops to examine a woodchip.

Katie catches my eye from
across the center tables, a subtle smile playing out on her lips. “Um,” I say,
“they’re begonias.” Katie gives a little nod, and I know I got it right. I’m
glad that she’s here to see this, to know that the hours she’s spent teaching
me about all things garden related were worth it.

“Thanks,” the woman says,
taking her daughter’s hand and continuing down the row.

Katie cuts through a narrow
space between the tables. “Good thing she had Mr. Expert over here to help.”

I shrug it off. “I thought
you didn’t start coming in this early until tomorrow?”

She elbows me in the ribs.
“You’re not happy to see me or what?” Before I can respond, she shrugs and
says, “I was bored. I thought I’d swing by and help you be less hopeless when
it came to plants.” She walks her fingers along the edge of the table, then raises
her eyes to mine, forcing me to look away from the tight cutoff shorts she’s
wearing again.

“Turns out you already have
everything covered, so no need for me.”

“Don’t go.” The words are
out before I can stop them.

She gives me a coy smile.
“Actually, I am going to go, and so are you. I want to take you somewhere.”

I like the sound of this.
“So uh, what did you have in mind?” I could suggest a few things.

“Don’t get any ideas, big
guy. I’m talking about ice cream.”

“What? That’s totally what I
was thinking.” I raise my eyebrows in mock indignation.

Water is still dribbling
from the end of the hose as I glance at the ground, my hand sneaking up to rub
my neck. “But I can’t just go. I have to finish watering, and you know, I’m on
the clock… I think.”

“Do you actually get paid?”
When I don’t answer, she adds, “That’s what I thought. Now let’s get out of
here, hot shot.”

“What about Jeff and
Jackson?”

“They’ll be fine. How do you
think they managed before you got here?”

“Good point. Let’s get out
of here then, but I don’t want to be gone too long.”

It feels like I must be
breaking some kind of rule as I slink away with Katie, but Jeff has never
mentioned anything about getting paid, so it’s not like I’m stealing company
time or anything.

Katie seems to know where
we’re going as she leads me through a swanky residential part of Northfield.
Overhead, the sky is almost cloudless as we move down the sidewalk. Around us,
the houses grow bigger, surrounded by perfectly manicured lawns and built-in
sprinkler systems sending arcing waves of water over lush green grass.

I’ve never been interested
in this kind of living. It feels too fake. Every object in theses houses will
be in its correct place, and not a single blade of grass will be bent in the
yard, but the people are just as screwed up and human as the rest of us. They
just hide it a little better.

Not that I have anything
against money. Mom does pretty damn well for us, but we don’t have a
cookie-cutter house like these. Instead we live in a condo with a great view
and amazing art on the walls.

“What are you thinking
about?” Katie ventures.

I step around a wet area
where an overzealous sprinkler is spraying onto the sidewalk. “Nothing.” I
pause, then say, “Home, actually.”

“Is it like this?” She
gestures vaguely to the houses around us.

“Not at all.” I chuckle,
gazing down the street. The tasteless houses stretch on for blocks. “Where are
we? Aren’t we supposed to be getting ice cream?”

“That’s just what I used to
get you out here.” She says, sticking her pink tongue out at me.

I’d love to investigate that
more closely. “Oh really,” I grin. “So now that I’ve uncovered the deception,
what was your actual plan? Kidnap me and then interrogate me about L.A.?”

Her eyes aimed ahead, she
gives me a wry look. “Something like that.”

It hits me again how
beautiful she is. Her hand swings at her side, carefree. I want to take it in
mine, just slip my fingers through hers. “But really, why are we out here?”

“I wanted to get to know you
a little better, and it was important to avoid the work friend trap.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know,” she says,
kicking at a rock on the otherwise spotless concrete. “If you wait too long to
hang out with someone outside of work, it will never happen. You become work
friends.”

Warmth spreads in my chest,
emanating from the pattering in the center. “Except I’m still on the clock, so
this doesn’t count.”

Rolling her eyes, she pushes
my shoulder. “That’s such crap.”

*     *     *    
*

I scan the store and
greenhouse as we approach, hoping Jeff didn’t notice that we were gone so long.
Through the open front doors, I can see him leaning over the counter reading a
book. It’s usually quiet around noon.

As it turned out, Katie took
us to an ice cream place after all. Waffle cone in one hand and purse in the
other, she starts to veer away from me.

“You coming?” I ask, already
halfway to the front door.

She waves me on, “I’ll catch
up with you after lunch. I need to grab something from the gas station.”

Taking a lick of my ice
cream, I watch her walk away across the street. Spending time with her is just
so awesome. I also got her cell number. It was kind of sexy to be kidnapped by
her this morning, but it would be nice to do a little planning of my own. I
won’t text her for a few days though, so it doesn’t look like I’m overeager.

“Hey, Ben,” Jeff says,
looking up from his book. “You brought me ice cream.”

I hold the cone out to him,
and he takes a bite from the top. From a bacterial perspective, I guess that’s
better than licking, but teeth marks in ice cream just look gross. I quickly
smooth over the top with my tongue.

“Thanks, that hit the spot.”
Then he smirks. “So how was your morning?”

I give him a sidelong
glance, but I’m glad he doesn’t seem to mind that I disappeared for quite a
while. “It was fine. Katie is nice.” The last thing I want is for this
conversation to continue. “Anyway, where’s Jackson?”

“Back parking lot. Have him
come up here, would you?”

“Sure,” I say, moving toward
the door leading out the back. I never thought I’d start to enjoy working here
with Jeff and Jackson, but it’s starting to feel almost natural. I still don’t
know a ton about the plants – other than most of their names now –
but there’s something to having a solid daily routine. Get up, shower, eat with
Jackson, water plants until noon, do odd jobs with Katie until closing time,
dinner with Jeff and Jackson, go for a run, go to sleep. Whatever I do with
Katie is usually my favorite part of the day.

I wonder if Jackson has the
same feeling about working that I do. He’s been doing it a lot longer, so he
might get bored of it more easily. He also doesn’t have someone like Katie he
gets to work with every afternoon.

My fingers wrapped around
the handle of the back door, I peer through the glass. Matt’s truck is parked
next to Jeff’s. I figure he must have come for lunch, and I’m about to open the
door when a hint of movement catches my eye. In the back corner of the parking
lot are Matt and Jackson, laughing together. Something about the interaction
between the two of them rubs me the wrong way. Their movements and words seem
to come so easily.

I’m hit by a sudden jealousy
at watching this private moment. Breath catching in my throat, my fingers
tighten around the metal handle. Closing my eyes, I swallow, take a deep
breath, and turn around. Slowly walking back up to the front, I take a seat on
a spare stool. My vision gradually blurs as my gaze cuts into the wall with the
rakes and shovels.

A sinking feeling fills my
chest when I realize what bothers me the most about all this. Jackson just
doesn’t want me to be a part of his life here, and he doesn’t enjoy spending
time with me, at least not the way he does with other people. Christ, he’s my
brother, and even though I’ve been living with him for a few weeks now, I still
don’t know hardly anything about him. I clench my teeth, forcing a swallow past
the rock in my throat.

“Ben, is something wrong?”
Jeff asks.

“I need to go,” I say
through a dry mouth, walking past him.

Hesitation echoes in his
voice when he speaks. “What’s going on?”

His words sound distant, as
though a glass wall divides us. I wave a weak hand in his direction as my shoe
catches on the threshold. “I just… I have to go.”

Up ahead, Katie is just
coming back from the gas station. “Where are you going?” she asks, trying to
catch my eye.

Tightness in my chest
reminds me I haven’t been breathing. Releasing the pent up air, I drag a
shallow breath of hot humidity into my lungs. Her stare barely registers as I
take plodding steps past her. Behind me, her voice calls out, lined with
fragility. “Aren’t you going to answer me?”

My feet carry me forward
past streets and houses and down more streets until finally depositing me at
the edge of a stream cutting its way through a park. Dropping myself to the
ground, I cross my legs and wrap my arms around my chest. Beside me, the stream
gurgles along, catching the occasional shred of sunlight that slips through the
trees overhead.

Jackson
.
The name that long ago used to have a calming effect now leaves me insecure.
Jackson
.
A chilly current sweeps through my chest, cupping my heart in its undertow.
What we had when we were little, it was special, but we didn’t understand it
back then. We didn’t know how precious it was. At least I didn’t.

It didn’t bother me being
away for so long, because I always believed we could get it back – the
closeness – when we saw each other again. Except the years flew by and we
didn’t see each other like I thought. Vacations, sports, friends, it was all
bullshit. None of it mattered at all, but I let those things be the priority,
let them take precedence over my brother. All along I was destroying something
I could never get back. My eyes drift across the rippling water, and one after
another, tears slide down my cheeks.

*     *     *    
*

It’s almost five o’clock
when I finally drag myself back to the store. The sun isn’t high in the sky
anymore, but it still feels hot on my neck and my mouth is dry. Jackson stops
the second he sees me, a thirty-pound bag of grass seed slung over his
shoulder. It’s nothing compared to the weight I’m carrying.

His squinting eyes look me
up and down, like he’s not sure if I’m real or not. The bag shifts slightly as
he sighs. “Dad wants to talk to you.”

I nod, and he doesn’t say
anything else.

The white door to Jeff’s
office is closed, and my hand is heavy as I lift it to knock.

“Come in.” His voice isn’t
raised or even upset. Is that a good or a bad thing? As I open the door, he
glances up from a ledger, his eyes scrutinizing me from under a pair of reading
glasses. “Have a seat.” He gestures to the empty chair across from him.

Pulling the door shut behind
me, I sit down. The air is stuffy and the chair is hard. His gaze is fixed on
me, but I look away.

“I’ve been impressed with
you, Ben. You’ve been a hard worker and a good sport about things suddenly
changing on you this summer. I think I’ve given you a fair bit of freedom as
well.” His tone is sincere. He wants to understand, but how can I even begin to
explain? The more I get to know my brother, the more I realize I don’t know him
at all anymore. How can I communicate how much that’s killing me inside? He
would never understand, no matter how hard he wants to. He never had Jacks. I
did.

I’ve never been able to hide
emotion, and I’m not able to now. The storm plays out across my features like
performers on a theater stage, but that doesn’t mean he knows
what
I’m
thinking.

When I’m silent, he lets out
a long breath. “Mind telling me what happened today?”

My mouth opens just a bit
before closing again. If I can’t speak the truth, there’s only one alternative.
“I was upset about… Katie. We sort of got in a, uh, fight.”

Jeff rubs his jaw. “Anything
I should know about?”