Remember Me Always: A Contemporary Romance (28 page)

She holds her hands out in front her, claspin' them together as if she's prayin'.  "Colt, please.  You don't mean that."

"I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life," I tell her with a glarin' glance.

She storms off, and I pound my fists onto the lid of a dumpster.  If only I had known the truth to begin with, Penny and I would have been able to continue what we had.  Now she hates me, and there's not one damn thing I can do about it.  I'll lose her forever…to fuckin' Tucker Hayward.  He'll shape and mold her into the perfect
Stepford wife
, and she'll probably be miserable for the rest of her life.  And it's all because I didn't get my shit together and give Penny the kind of life she deserves.

I hear footsteps quickly approachin', and I look up to see a fumin' Penny stalkin' towards me.  "Penny," I start, but she doesn't let me finish. 

"Do you want to explain to me why you beat up my date?"

I shake my head slowly.  I'm gettin' sick and tired of not bein' able to explain myself to her.

She folds her arms in front of her in a protective stance.  "They think you broke his jaw, Colt," she says, her voice tremblin'.  "So do you want to tell me why you did it?"

So she's only worried about Tucker. 
Great.
  Scratchin' the top of my head, I tell her, "No, I reckon I don't."  I have plenty of reasons to beat the hell out of that asshole.  One bein' that he's takin' what's mine.

Penny's eyes glitter with unshed tears, and it kills me inside.  "I can't keep doing this with you, Colt!" she yells, throwin' her hands up in exasperation.

"Doin' what?" I demand.

"This!  I can't keep holding onto a string that's getting ready to snap.  I can't keep holding onto a past that isn't there.  I can't keep holding onto you, Colt.  It's not fair.  It's not fair to you, and it's definitely not fair to me.  We need to move on.  I need to move on."

She turns away, but I don't let her get far.  I grab her arm and whirl her around to face me.  "And where exactly are you movin' on to, Penny?  Tucker Hayward?" I ask, practically spittin' out his name in hatred.

"Maybe.  So what if I am?  At least he wants to be with me.  At least he treats me nice.  At least he…"  Her voice trails off as a stray tear trickles down her pretty face.  "At least he doesn't make me feel like I'm dying inside."

I slowly release her.  "I make you feel like that?" I ask, completely rocked by her confession.

She nods once.  "I feel like I'm trying to save you, Colton, but I'm pulling myself under at the same time.  Only one of us is going to survive if we keep going, and I can't keep putting both of us through this.  Colt, I have to let you go.  I don't want to.  I just...I have to.  I don't know how to do that, but I need to figure it out.  On my own."

She turns to leave, and a sudden panic rises through my chest.  "What if I don't want you to let me go?" I blurt out.

Her steps hesitate and then come to a stop.  "In my mind, I already have."  She gives me a sad smile that makes my stomach drop.  "The Colton James that I loved is gone.  I've been holding onto someone who just doesn't exist any longer."  She takes a deep breath before she says, "I'm leaving for New York in a few weeks.  I hope you're happy without me here, Colt.  'Cuz that's exactly how I'm gonna try to be without you."

I watch her walk away, and it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on.  "Penny!" I yell.  She doesn't come back.  "Fuck!"  I pace around as my mind races.  Is this it?  Is this over?  I've been pushin' her away all this time, but now I want her to come runnin' back to me. 
I'm such an asshole.

She's right.  She's so fuckin' right.  It's not fair.  I've grown so accustomed to havin' her chasin' after me that I never thought I would have to let her go.  I thought she would always be there waitin', wantin' me.  But now she's done and rightly so.  She doesn't deserve this.  I don't deserve her.  But the thought of her and Tucker together makes me grit my teeth in anger.

I stalk over to a large tree at the side of the building and punch the bark with my right fist and then the left.  I punch the immovable object until my knuckles are bloody and throbbin' with pain.  I long to be punchin' Tucker's face…again.  I've never felt so jealous before.  The realization behind the jealously slowly crawls over me.  I don't want Penny with anyone else.  I want her with
me
.

"Colt!" Buddy's voice cuts across the parkin' lot as he jogs up to me.  "What the hell are you doin'?"

I stare down at my bloody hands and slowly shake my head.  "I don't know anymore," I mumble.  Everything is so fucked up.  I can't even get my head straight.

"Is this just a pissin' contest between you and Tuck, or is somethin' else goin' on here?  You can't just go around punchin' people in the face.  He could sue you.  You could lose everything.  I could lose everything," he stresses.

"He keeps pushin' my buttons!" I yell in defense.

"Yeah.  Well, that seems to be happenin' a lot lately."  He throws his hands up in the air in disgust.  "I can't keep doin' this with you, Colt.  You need to let her go."

I am momentarily stunned.  My mouth opens to speak, but then I close it.

"Let Penny go," he clarifies.  "Just let her go, man."

I growl in frustration and rake my fingers through my hair.  "I just love how everyone suddenly knows what's best for me or best for Penny.  You aren't the first one who told me to let her go."

"Well, that should tell you somethin'," he responds.  "She deserves better than this," he says, pointin' to the building.  And then he gestures towards me and says, "And she sure as hell deserves better than you."

I curl my hands into fists at my sides.  Even my best friend is against me now.  "Fuck!" I scream up at the night sky.

Buddy is quiet for a long while before he finally speaks.  "Do you feel better now?  Does it feel good to scream?"

"Yes!" I yell.

"Good.  Now get the fuck over it, Colt, and move on.  And let Penny move on with her life too."

"I don't want her to move on," I say gruffly with no hesitation.

He glances up at me sharply.  "Then you should have thought about that before you fucked everything up."

I watch him walk away after that.  The sound of crickets pierces the dark hush around me as I slowly walk over to my truck and climb in.  I slam the door shut and start the engine.  It only takes me a few minutes to make it home.  As I lay awake in bed, the events of the night run over and over in my head.  Everyone wants me to let Penny go, but what do I want?

The only answer I can come up with is…I want Penny to be happy.  And it kills me that she might be happier without me.

CHAPTER 23

PENNY

I HAVEN'T TALKED or seen Colton in three days.  I know he's keeping his distance for some reason or another.  I just wish I knew what the reason was.  I don't know if it's more for my benefit or his.  Maybe he's finally done with me.  Maybe I'm finally done with him.  Who knows.  I feel like a rag doll being torn between two people.  Half of me wants to stay and try to save my relationship with Colton, and the other half wants to leave this town and never look back.  Only time will tell the decision I finally make.  All I know is that right now I'm beyond miserable.

Tucker walks into the bar a few minutes before my shift is over.  I drop the dishcloth on the table I'm currently cleaning and turn to him.

"Hey, Penny."  When his eyes meet mine, he smiles but immediately winces from the movement.  Colton didn't break his jaw, but he gave him one hell of a bruise.

His watchful eyes study my face for a while before he says, "You look tired."

I give him a small grin.  "I haven't been sleeping much."  That's the understatement of the year.  I feel like I haven't slept in forty years.  This whole thing with Colton has my stomach in knots and my brain running constantly.  I can't stop thinking about what happened or what might happen.  I'm so confused about everything, and I just can't seem to find the light at the end of this very dark tunnel that is currently my life.

"Oh."  His eyes drop before returning to mine.  "Penny, I'm moving to New York in four days."  That's news to me.  "Permanently," he adds.  My eyebrows rise, but I can't stay that I'm really all that surprised.  Tucker has a career in New York.  It was only a matter of time before he returned to it.  "I want you to come with me, Penny."

I bite my lower lip, stalling for time. 
Four days.
  I was supposed to wait until the end of summer; but with everything going on, how could I possibly stay?  Every day feels like a week, and I don't think I could mentally last the rest of my time here.  I literally feel as if my heart is being slowly shredded by every passing second.  I want to leave while I can still salvage a part of it.  Colton will always own most of my heart, but maybe, just maybe someday I will be able to move on and begin to heal.  It was a mistake coming here.  I know that now.  I should have never come back.

Tucker takes my hands in his and gazes into my eyes with an eager grin.  "Say yes, Penny.  Say yes."

Before I can second-guess myself, before I can even think about the consequences of my actions, I blurt out, "Yes."

Tucker scoops me into his arms and swings me around a time or two, making me dizzy, but also making me laugh.  He can always make me smile and laugh, and that's important.  Tucker and I don't fight.  We don't argue.  It's almost…perfect.

A nagging voice in the back of my mind asks,
but do you really want perfect?
  All I know is that I can't stay here and have this guilt and sadness eating me up day in and day out.  New York will be a change of pace, if nothing else.  It will give me a place to clear my head and think about what I want out of my life.  I guess I can only take a leap of faith to find out if New York is really where I need to be.

"I'll make all of the flight arrangements tomorrow.  Oh, Penny, you've made me the happiest man on the planet."  He leans down and kisses me, but I still don't feel that heat and spark like I feel with Colton.

I'm worried I'm not making the right decision, but I can always come back if things don't work out with Tucker and me.  But would I ever want to come back?  Once I cut ties with Willowbrook, I don't know if I would plan on returning for a long time…if ever.  Maybe I can make a life for myself in New York with or without Tucker by my side.

With my head held high, I say goodnight to Tucker and return to my apartment.  I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  No more planning on how to win Colton back.  No more fighting every day.  No more arguing over stupid things.  It will be…
perfect
.

For the first time in my life, I'm picturing and planning a future without Colton in it.  But as I sink down on my couch, why do I suddenly feel like I might be making the biggest mistake of my life?

*  *  *  *  *

I'VE BEEN KEEPING my distance from Colton, which has been pretty easy considering he won't even look in my direction.  The only solace I get from him pushing me away is that maybe I won't miss him so much when I leave.  But the truth of the matter is I miss him even when we're in the same room together.  I miss him every second and every hour of every day.  And I haven't even left yet.  I'm so screwed.  It's going to be a thousand times worse when I live over a thousand miles away from him.

When I think of moving to New York, I see hope of a new start, but I also see a lot of uncertainty.  I'm going to miss home.  I'm going to miss my friends.  I'm going to miss the bar.  But most of all, I'll miss Colton.

How did things get so screwed up?  We were on a path to finding each other once again, and somehow my train derailed…yet again.  Why can't my life just be simple?  Why can't I just be happy?

Watching Shelby Rae and Buddy flirt with each other almost every night in the bar doesn't exactly help my mood.  Don't get me wrong --- I'm happy for them.  But I'm also extremely jealous.  I want what they have.  An easy, fun relationship not built on deceit and anger.

They've been going on dates, and I'm glad that Shelby Rae can start a new relationship with someone who cares so much about her.  She lucked out when she found two great guys to love in her lifetime.  It's a shame that Matthew passed, but I know Buddy will love her just the same and will take care of her and her daughter.  She hit the lottery with that one.  Buddy is one of the best guys I know.

When I get Shelby Rae alone that night, I pull her aside.  "I need a ride to the airport tomorrow," I tell her in a hushed whisper.

"You're leavin'
tomorrow
?" she exclaims.

I clap my hand over her big mouth.  "Shh!  I don't want anyone to know!"  I'm so afraid somebody will stop me…and I have a feeling it wouldn't be that hard to do at this point.  There's a lot here in this small town that I don't want to leave behind.  And the closer I get to leaving for New York, the more miserable I become.

"I'm sorry," she says, but it's muffled under my hand.  I reluctantly let go of her mouth, and she blurts out, "I can't believe you're leaving so soon!"

"Who's leavin'?" Buddy asks as he walks around the corner.

Sighing, I put my face in my hands.  It's impossible to keep Shelby quiet.  This is why we always got into trouble in high school.  She always confessed before the teacher even asked if we did anything wrong.

"Penny's leavin'.  Tomorrow!" Shelby says with tears in her eyes.

Okay.  Now I feel bad.  I gather her up in my arms, and she hangs onto me for dear life.  "Shelby, don't you start crying.  Because if you start, then I'm going to start."

"And then I will most definitely start if you two start," Buddy chimes in.

Rolling my eyes at him, I pull away from Shelby.  I use my thumbs to wipe away the mascara making a run for it down her tear-stained face.  "No crying until I'm gone.  I don't want to see one more tear," I pause and point to Buddy, "from either of you."

Buddy leans against the bar and crosses his left foot in front of his right.  "Why tomorrow?  I thought you were stayin' until the end of summer."

"I can't stay here any longer," I confess.  "I feel like my heart is breaking in half every time I see him."

Buddy swipes a hand down his face and sighs.  "Colt's not gonna be happy that you're leavin'."

I pinch my eyes closed.  "Buddy, I honestly don't think he'll care.  He told me once before that his life would be easier without me here.  I believe it."  And it's not like he has been trying to win me back this past week.  If anything, he's been pushing me even farther away and letting me know that he doesn't need me in his life anymore.

He shakes his head.  "You both are the most bullheaded people I've ever met."  He joins in our hug and squeezes me tight.  "I'm gonna miss you, Penny.  You always have a home here if you decide to come back."

Tears well up in my eyes again.  "Thanks, Buddy.  That means a lot."  I place my head on his shoulder.  "Please don't tell Colt."

He cringes.  "Okay.  I won't if you don't want me to."

I thank him again and hug them both.  And then we get started with our shift.

I have a feeling it's going to be a long night.