Remember (6 page)

They just couldn’t see what Ashley saw—that Landon Blake wasn’t right for her.

Despite his job, he was too safe, too predictable. Too good. Life with him couldn’t bring either of them anything but misery. Besides, the very thought of spending her life with Landon—or any other man, for that matter—was enough to make her heart race with anxiety. Landon’s injury had helped her voice her feelings for him, but it hadn’t changed the facts. Though she loved Landon, she wasn’t in love with him. Not really. Not the way he wanted her to be.

Ashley checked the freezer to be sure there were two gallons of ice cream for the party. The cartons were there, of course. Her mother wouldn’t forget a single detail. Birthdays were a big deal in the Baxter family. Even Ashley’s.

They might not have agreed with her choice of quitting school to work full-time, or with her lack of faith, or with the amount of time she spent away from her young son. But they still celebrated her birthday.

Ashley walked slowly back into the kitchen and took a dozen glasses from the cupboard. A sense of dread filled her when she thought about visiting Landon later. The air between the two of them now felt stiff, charged with tension. Forced almost. The way it had felt when she was a senior in high school and Landon had asked her out. Back when the idea of having a steady boyfriend and a predictable future had first begun to suffocate her.

There was only one possible explanation for their sudden awkwardness around each other: Landon had heard her that night when he lay in intensive care.

If that was true, if he could easily recall every word she said, then maybe he was waiting for her to say it again now that he was awake. Maybe he hadn’t understood the kind of love she meant. If not, her silence on the matter was bound to have confused him. Certainly if she could make a declaration of love to him while he was near death, she could make it now that he was recovering, right?

At least that’s how Landon might be seeing it.

From the front of the house, Ashley heard voices and she let go of her thoughts about Landon. Besides, she wasn’t the only Baxter daughter who seemed to be struggling. Kari had shed her share of tears in the last year. And Erin hadn’t been herself lately either. She was quieter, more withdrawn.

Maybe Erin and Sam needed a vacation now that school was out. Erin was a kindergarten teacher. After an entire year, she was bound to be depressed about saying good-bye to her students. Especially since she hadn’t been able to have children.

A vacation might give Erin a whole new perspective.

Whatever the trouble, Ashley wanted Erin’s birthday celebration to be happy. And as the others arrived and began filling the house, Ashley determined to hide her concerns about Landon. This was no time for her to be sorting through the jigsaw puzzle of her emotions looking for pieces that belonged together.

She would go by the hospital after dinner. But this was Erin’s night. Ashley’s feelings for Landon—whatever they were—would have to wait until after the party.

* * *

Kari walked into the kitchen and tossed her purse on the desk.

“Hey, Ash.” She rolled up her sleeves. “Need some help?”

“Sure.” Ashley’s arms were full, and she pointed her chin toward the counter. “Grab those napkins, okay?”

Kari did as she was told and followed Ashley into the dining room. “Where’s Mom?”

“She went up to check on Cole. I was going to do it, but he’d probably rather have her, anyway.”

Kari ignored her sister’s defensive tone. She set the napkins on the table. “Any sign of Erin and Sam?”

“Not yet.”

“Hmmm.” Kari followed Ashley around the table, laying napkins at each place. “I’m worried about her.”

“Me, too.” Ashley arranged glasses in front of the last two plates. “She hasn’t been herself.”

Once the table was set, Kari stole a quick look at the stove timer.  Their mother had made roasted chicken and squash, and Kari had barely enough time to make Jessie a bottle before dinner. What was it about Erin? Was she pregnant? Was that the reason for her recent moodiness? Or were she and Sam struggling?

Whatever the problem, Kari hoped to find out more this evening.

She measured the formula and added warm water, shaking it as she made her way into the family room. A baseball game played on television, and her father had Jessie propped up on his lap. “Can I feed her?”

Kari smiled at the picture her father and daughter made together. John Baxter was an accomplished doctor, respected by his patients and peers, but sitting there with Jessie, he looked like a little boy begging quarters for the candy store.

“Yes, Dad.” Kari handed him the bottle. “Her tummy’s a little upset, though.” Kari grinned. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

He held Jessie up and wiggled his nose against hers. “Papa’s not scared of crummies in the tummy, is he?” He shot Kari a look. “Besides, if I could feed you, I can feed her. You still hold the record for baby mess-ups.”

“Ah yes, the good old days.” Her mother entered the room, holding a sleepy-eyed Cole by the hand. Cole pressed against his grandmother’s side, clearly not up to conversation yet. Kari ruffled his hair, and he treated her to a little smile.

“Could you do the salad, Kari?” Her mother grinned as she sat down and pulled Cole onto her lap. “Since Grandma and Papa are busy with more important matters?”

A ripple of laughter tickled Kari’s throat, and she reveled in how good it felt. Very gradually, in fits and starts, her sense of life and love and laughter was returning. She remembered a verse Pastor Mark had quoted in a sermon recently: “The joy of the Lord is your strength.”

It was true; she was living proof. The greater the joy that stirred in her heart, the stronger she felt. And the more she was able to believe she would somehow survive despite everything that had happened. And despite the confusion and emotional numbness that still seemed to darken most of her days.

In a matter of minutes dinner was ready, and the entire Baxter family gathered around the old oak table. Over the years her parents had added two leaves so that it was long enough to accommodate their growing family. Brooke and her husband, Peter, sat at one end with their young daughters, four-year-old Maddie and two-year-old Hayley. Across the table were Luke and Reagan and, next to them, Erin and Sam. Ashley and Cole sat at the other end with Kari. And in the middle—together as always—were their parents.

When their father had finished praying, he turned to Ashley. “Landon’s doing remarkably well. One of the nurses tells me you’ve been in to see him every day.”

Ashley stared at the mound of squash on her plate and nodded.

John gave the others a quick update on Landon’s condition. “Truthfully, I didn’t think he’d survive that first night. I’ve never seen anyone pull through that kind of lung damage.”

Kari watched Ashley and felt her sister’s pain. Earlier that morning they’d talked about her feelings for Landon. Somehow in the mix of wanting him to survive, Ashley feared she might have unintentionally given him the impression she was in love with him.

“You poor girl,” Kari had told her.

“What? It’s not me I’m worried about; it’s Landon. He needs to focus on getting better, not worrying about someone who’s been hurting him since junior high.”

“That’s not what I mean.” Kari had given her a gentle smile.

Ashley had blinked. “I don’t understand.”

“You don’t see it.”

“See what?” The conversation had taken place at Kari’s house. Ashley had been sitting on the floor, her knees hugged close to her body.

“You gave Landon the impression you’re in love with him because you are.”

Ashley had denied every bit of it. But Kari was convinced otherwise.

The timing was wrong—that much was certain. Ashley was still trying to figure out who she was. But Kari had no doubts that when Ashley was finished fighting her feelings, the truth would be obvious. And that one day Landon Blake would occupy another chair around the Baxter dinner table.

But now, with the others watching Ashley’s reaction, waiting for her to share something about Landon, Kari felt sorry for her. She slipped an arm around her sister’s shoulders and grinned. “Ashley has a new job. Does everyone know that?”

The conversation hopscotched from the old folks at Sunset Hills Adult Care Home to the escapades of Maddie, Hayley, and Cole to the frustrations shared by the doctors in the family that the blood bank was at an all-time low.

When dinner was nearly finished, Erin looked at Sam and flashed him a brief smile. As if on cue, he cleared his throat and pushed back from the table. Taking Erin’s hand in his, he scanned the eyes of those around him. “Erin and I have an announcement to make.”

Immediately Kari felt the excitement build within her. An announcement from Erin and Sam could mean only one thing: They were going to have a baby! That would explain the recent changes in Erin’s personality. She was probably suffering morn-

ing sickness. Yes, that had to be it. Kari studied her youngest sister. Another baby in the family! How wonderful would that be?

Sam was practically glowing, but . . . Kari shifted her attention to Erin. If she knew her sister at all, that wasn’t gladness in Erin’s eyes. It was pain and sorrow, the kind that could not possibly be associated with pregnancy. Kari held her breath.

With everyone waiting, Sam continued. “I’ve been offered a job in Texas.” He could barely contain his enthusiasm. “It’s in Round Rock, just outside of Austin. I’ll be managing a division twice the size of the one where I work now. The money’s amazing, and we’ll be able to buy the house we’ve always wanted.” He grinned briefly at Erin. His smile faded some when she didn’t return his enthusiasm. “We . . . we wanted you to be the first to know.”

For a moment no one said anything.

Sam must wonder what’s wrong with us,
Kari thought. A normal family would be bursting forth with congratulations. But Erin’s husband didn’t know the Baxter family very well if he thought moving Erin across the country would excite them.

Tears filled Erin’s eyes and she shrugged. “Well?” A sound that  was more laugh than cry slipped from between her lips. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

Elizabeth was the first to recover. The corners of her mouth lifted halfway, and she set her napkin on her plate. “That’s wonderful, Sam. Texas is a fine place to live.”

“Yes.” Their father rose to his feet and reached across the table to shake Sam’s hand. “You have a very bright future ahead of you,  Sam. We’ve always known that.”

“Wow.” Ashley slipped her hand into little Cole’s. “When do you leave?”

“Not for a while.” Sam was quick to answer. “Sometime this fall, probably.” He grinned, something Erin hadn’t done since the announcement. “We’ll visit the area over the summer to check out housing, but the move won’t happen until the end of October at least.”

Kari glanced around discreetly at her siblings. Brooke was staring at her plate, pushing her fork at a piece of chicken. Luke leaned forward, his forearms anchored on the table as he studied Erin.

But Ashley’s reaction was most telling.

For years, Ashley had pretended to be a fringe member of their  family. She joked about being the black sheep, the Baxter child whose place among them was more tolerated than welcome. Every time Ashley talked that way, Kari corrected her. But Ashley seemed bent toward aloofness, determined to be less connected than the others.

Now, though, her eyes bore a sadness that was unmistakable. Ashley cared more about the rest of them than she ever dared admit. She might not always fit in, but she belonged all the same.

Kari imagined Erin and Sam’s packing their things and setting off for Texas. No wonder everyone was having trouble being excited. The Baxters had never been apart, not really. There’d been the six months Kari had spent modeling in New York City, and Ashley’s year in Paris. But none of them had actually relocated for good.

The phone rang, and Luke jumped from the table to answer it. “Hello?” His eyes lit up, and he motioned to Kari. “Yeah, she’s here. . . . Uh-huh. . . . Lots better. He’s still in the hospital but out of ICU, breathing on his own and all. . . . Yep, everyone’s fine. . . . Okay, I’ll get her for you.”

Kari watched, puzzled. Who would call her here, at her parents’ house? Someone from church? The conversation around the table stalled as Luke handed the phone to Kari and said the words that made her heart rate double.

“It’s Ryan.”

Chapter Six

Kari needed a quiet place to talk.

She thanked Luke, took the phone, and headed upstairs to her old bedroom, the place where she’d stayed so often in the past year. When she was alone, she exhaled and held the phone to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Hi.” His voice worked its way across her heart, soothing out the wrinkles that had collected through the day. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

“No.” She sat down on the bed and closed her eyes. “We were just finishing dinner. It’s Erin’s birthday.”

“I tried you at home first.” He paused, and Kari could hear the concern in his voice. “My mom told me about Landon Blake. Luke said he’s better.”

“Much better, thank God.” Kari leaned back on a stack of pillows. “Dad says it’s a miracle. He won’t even need skin grafts for the burns.”

“Has Ashley seen him?”

Kari pictured Ryan sitting in a New York apartment, worrying about the people back in Bloomington. Landon’s older brother had graduated from high school the same year as Ryan. And everyone who knew Landon knew of the torch he carried for Ashley. “She’s practically set up housekeeping at the hospital. I think it’s been good for her. Helped her take stock of her priorities, you know?”

“Yeah.” Ryan’s voice was quiet. “Nothing like a hospital to make you do that.”

Something in his tone told Kari there was more on his mind than Landon Blake’s injury. Was he missing her, wishing he hadn’t taken the job in New York? Or did picturing Landon in the hospital have a way of drawing Ryan back to those days after his football injury? The same way it had drawn her back?