Relative Happiness (41 page)

He came over and knelt beside her. He traced her face with his finger, and then put his hand at the back of her neck and pulled her towards him so he could kiss her. It took awhile. He finally let her go. “And you, my love, are the sweetest girl in the world.” She reached up. He didn't mind getting wet.

The full moon shone in the bedroom window. Adrian lay with his head on her breast. She thought he was asleep.

“Lexie?”

“Mmm?” She rubbed his temple with her thumb.

“I didn't get a hold of my Mum today. They weren't home. I'll try tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“I was thinking.”

“What about?”

“Maybe I should go home to talk to her face to face about all this. I think it will be a big adjustment for her. And for Binti.” He sounded worried.

“I'm sure it will be.”

“I didn't want to say anything before, but my feeling is… she assumed you and Josh would come to live in Montreal. I planned to move into an apartment close to them.”

She stayed still. “Is that what you want?”

He didn't say anything for a few moments. “I'd be happy to stay here. I'm a little concerned about Binti. To leave some of the programs she's involved with. She's had to fight so hard to recover her health.”

“That's true.”

“But it would have to be something we could both agree on.” He rubbed her arm. “I know this is your home. I'd never take you away if you didn't want to go.”

Lexie didn't say anything.

“All I know,” he whispered, “is that wherever you are is home to me.”

She rubbed his temple again. “Why don't you go to sleep, love, and we'll worry about it in the morning.”

“Okay.” He sounded drowsy. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Lexie looked out the window. The moon filled the room with a ghostly light. She desperately wanted some sleep, but it wouldn't come. She tried to relax, tried to think of nothing, but there was a feeling she couldn't get rid of. It tugged at her. It was something Beth said once. That her body remembered, even when her mind could not.

She stared at the moon. There was something. There was something she'd forgotten. Her room faded away. It was dark and hot. She felt like she was suffocating. She strained to see something. That's when it hit her. It was a big shock.

She called in sick the next morning. She told Adrian they needed to talk, that she had the day off and she'd be right back after she dropped Josh off. He said he'd have French toast for her when she got back.

Lexie gave Josh to her mother. “I need you to keep him until I call you.”

“What's wrong?”

“I may be making the biggest mistake of my life, but it's something I have to do.”

Mom didn't say anything. She nodded. Lexie grabbed her hand, gave it a squeeze and was gone.

She thought perhaps she should go to Beth and talk to her, but changed her mind. This was not something anyone else could help her with. This was her journey. This was what her life was.

She did stop at the beach, however, got out of Betsy and leaned against the hood. She didn't go down on the sand. She filled her lungs with great gulps of cold air to give herself courage. She watched the water she loved so much, coming in and going out, never staying still. Her life had been like that, always at the mercy of tides and wind. Today, for the first time in her life, she was going to set a course. Lexie would cut the rope. She'd let Adrian go. She'd release the anchor she'd been clinging to. She had to. He didn't belong to her.

When Lexie came in, she took off her coat and put her keys and purse on the table. Adrian was reading the paper. She looked at him. He had the most perfect face. She loved that face. She'd loved it from the first moment she ever laid eyes on it. It killed her to do this.

He gave her a big smile and got up. “The French toast is in the oven and I put on a fresh pot of coffee.”

“Thanks.”

“Let me get you a mug.” As she sat, he poured her a cup and put cream in it.

“I'll have it black.”

“No large double double?”

This is so hard. This is too hard.

“No. Thanks.” She cleared her throat. “Adrian, we need to talk.”

He gave her the coffee and took his seat. “I know. I should tell you about the information I found out yesterday. You wouldn't believe how expensive it is to move.”

“I'm not moving.”

He looked up quickly, surprised. “Oh. All right. I thought we said we'd talk about it first?”

“You're not moving either.”

He didn't say a word. He didn't move a muscle. He waited for her to say something.

Lexie pushed her hair back out of her face and took a deep breath.

“We love each other Adrian. I don't doubt that for a minute. From the first moment we met, we needed each other. You wanted a home. I wanted someone to take care of.”

She gave a big sigh. “But—as much as we mean to each other, as much as you say you love me—you're not in love with me. “

His face was a mask.

She kept on, before she lost her courage. “We lived together for two months. In all that time, in spite of our caring deeply for one another, you kissed me once. I want to ask you something. If Gabby were here, instead of me, do you think that would've happened?”

He bent his head and looked down at his lap.

“I was there the night you and Gabby met.” She kept her eyes on him. “I saw it. I saw it right away.”

Adrian held his forehead in his hand, as if he didn't want to look at her.

“And then Adrian,” she leaned towards him, “I saw the two of you together in front of the fire.”

He gave a big sob. He couldn't keep it in.

She rushed around the table and knelt beside him. She tried to look at his face, but he wouldn't let her see his tears. She cried too. “Adrian. I've only ever seen a man look at a woman like that once before. When Joshua's father looks at me.”

Adrian finally laid his head in his arms and wept openly. Lexie held on to his knees and leaned her cheek on his thigh. After awhile he put his hand on her head, as if to tell her he loved her down there on the floor.

He pulled her off her knees and sat her in his lap. She snuggled against him. When he was calm enough, he spoke:

“The night you took me home, I laid on my bed and wept with happiness. I'd been so alone, so heartbroken. I'd wandered for so long.”

He hugged her tighter. “You were beautiful. You fed me and washed my clothes and made me laugh and made me feel as if I was wanted, as if I was worth wanting, and worthy of being loved. I didn't deserve to be loved.”

He stayed quiet for awhile. She was content to stay in his arms. “I loved you. You were my best friend. I could hide from the world when I was with you.”

He tucked her in even closer. She was against his neck, so she couldn't see his face.

“The night I met your sister, I fell in love with her the minute she walked through the door. It wasn't something I could control. We had to be together. We lived in the moment and didn't think about who we'd hurt in the end. That is until you found us. That's when reality hit us in the face. We were upset and confused and ashamed. It seemed easier all around just to leave.”

“What happened when you did leave?”

“It was wonderful for awhile. Except for the terrible guilt I felt about you, and of course the guilt I carried everywhere, about Binti and her mother. I needed redemption.”

He sighed, “And how did I do it? I hurt your sister. I left her too. I felt if I didn't start to make up for the mistakes in my life, I'd drown, and I didn't want Gabby with me when I did. I tried to explain it to her, but I wasn't very forthcoming. I was so mixed up then. I didn't think. I handled it all the wrong way. I made her believe she was a mistake.” He stopped for a moment, as if to gather his thoughts.

“I have to tell you the truth, Lexie. I owe you that much.”

“Okay.” She waited.

“Gabby called me.”

“My God. When?”

He cleared his throat. “Not that long ago. When I heard her voice my heart nearly stopped. I was so happy. I tried to apologize. She was very cold and distant. She said she wanted to right a wrong and she called to tell me you were unattached. She thought the reason I stayed away from you was that I saw Josh in Montreal. She said she'd moved on, that she was in love with another man. Then she hung up.” Adrian faltered. “I thought she hated me.”

“Never.”

“That's how it felt. And the idea of you here, not married as it turned out, excited me. It brought all the wonderful memories back. You and I together, safe in our little house, the house I loved so much. You and Cape Breton Island and the house all became one in my mind. I loved it. I loved you. I needed you to comfort me again. I was lonely, Lexie. I needed a woman to love. I thought Gabby was lost to me.”

“She loves you, Adrian,” Lexie whispered against his skin. “She adores you. She'll love you until the day she dies. She told me that.”

“Oh God.” He sounded tortured. “What have I done to you both? Why am I so cruel to every woman I love?”

Lexie sat up and held his face so he would look at her.

“Don't you ever say that again. Every woman you've ever loved loves you. Binti's mother loved you. You saved her baby when you ran for help. Binti loves you. You saved her. I love you because you saved me from loneliness and Gabby's so in love with you she hasn't been with a man since you left.”

He closed his eyes. Lexie kissed him softly. “We are all the luckiest women in the world, to have been loved by you.”

They spent the rest of that day holding each other in front of the fire. And they spent the night together in each other's arms, even though they knew it was over. It was something they would always share and never forget. A memory worth keeping.

Lexie finally knew the truth. A woman can love more than one man. But only one is the love of her life. Adrian was a moment in time. Joss was forever.

Chapter Twenty-three

In the morning, Lexie helped Adrian pack. His plane left around noon, so they had time for a leisurely breakfast, except neither one of them wanted to eat. But they did share a cup of coffee at the kitchen table. They held hands while they waited for the taxi by the front door. Lexie reached into her pocket and gave him a folded piece of paper.

“Gabby's number in England.”

Adrian hugged her. They stayed that way until the taxi arrived. They didn't say goodbye—he only held her face in his hands and kissed her forehead.

And then he was gone.

She called her mother. “Could you take Josh for a couple of days? I'm sorry. I need to be by myself for a bit.”

“Whatever you want, honey. Lexie, are you sure you want to be alone?”

“Yes.”

“You call me if you need me and I'll be right there.”

“I know Mom. I love you.”

She hung up and called work. She told Judy she still felt rotten and she would be off work for a few more days. Judy told her to drink lots of liquids and go to bed.

She did go to bed. She lay there and let the silence comfort her. She couldn't cry anymore.

She slept for a very long time.

The phone rang the next day. She sat in her armchair with Sophie in her lap. She let the machine get it. It was Beth. “Lex, Mom's told me and we think we know what happened, but it doesn't matter. I'm here if you need me. I just wanted you to know, I love you.” She hung up.

The phone rang again. This time it was Susie. She picked it up.

“Susie.”

“Are you okay? I stopped by the library today and they told me you were sick.”

“Sick at heart.”

“What did you do?”

“I told him to go.”

“What did he do?”

“He went.”

“Oh God. Does he hate you?”

“No. He loves me. I love him,” she whispered. “But I told him he belongs to Gabby. And he didn't disagree.”

There was a long silence.

“What will you do now, Lex?”

“When I can put one foot in front of the other, I'll try and find Joss.”