Regrets of The Fallen (Victis Honor Book 1) (11 page)

“All kinds.”

“In that case…” She smiled. “I should tell you that after several hours of riding in heavy rain, an intense fight with an elemental, a whole lot of mud and then sleeping outside… It is simply unfair how surprisingly beautiful you look.” Isabella grinned, leaning her head to the side to see her face. “I wish you wouldn’t hide
...”

Haruka cleared her throat, really having no idea how to handle such compliments. She looked at the happy Isabella and saw the sincerity in her expression, and the fact that she meant what she said just added that much more to the remarks. Here, away from cities and people, where it was just the two of them, she realized that she would never find it difficult to go without the mask. Isabella only saw the scars as a sign of strength, and somehow they even increased her attractiveness in Bella’s eyes. It was probably the fact that Isabella seemed to consider every part of the picture she was looking at; she couldn’t separate scars from their meaning, or physical beauty from the personality beneath it. Haruka hoped that would never change, because it was rare.

She felt Isabella’s fingers in her hair and her eyes refocused to see the curious smile on her face. “You drifted into thought, there. Something on your mind, Ruki?”

Haruka considered how to respond before deciding on honesty, giving her a smile. “Just you.”

“Risky.”

“Maybe. But that’s what makes it fun.”

After breakfast Haruka and Isabella headed out on foot, splitting the weight of the supplies they still had between them. They decided that being without mounts, they should abandon the road as any pursuers would easily catch them on it. Now they walked through the forest, heading at an angle away from the road. It would take the two five days to a week to get to Daubin now, even using the road, so they picked a circuitous path to make it more difficult to follow them. Isabella wished she could run like she used to, but at this point that would require drawing her sword and the effects of that would be worse than travelling slowly.

She could tell Haruka was curious about why she wouldn’t simply do that, but fortunately the monk didn’t ask. It was likely she simply didn’t want to get into another argument and that was just fine for Bella, who had no desire to share yet. She
was
willing to share other things with Haruka, though, which the other woman seemed grateful for. It wasn’t like they could just spend the week walking in silence anyway.

The area they were in was nice, even calming in a way. Though it was summer they were pretty far north, so there was a cool wind that kept them comfortable. The forest was made up of mostly evergreen trees, giant things in both height and width. It meant that the sun only streamed through to them, leaving them mostly in the shade. The ground was still a little muddy thanks to the rain, as the extensive shade. Neither of them minded, though; they’d found a wide river to walk beside, both enjoying the sound of the water and the pleasant way the beams of sunlight bounced off of it. It also helped that they’d been able to wash off themselves and their clothing in the clear water, leaving only their boots muddy now.

The shade from the trees, the calming sound of the river, the cool wind, and the lazy sunlight all combined to make for a very relaxing walk, which led to a slower pace than they’d normally take. Despite the assumed pursuit that they were both sure would be coming after them at some point, neither felt like they were in a hurry. It was nice, getting back to just enjoying things, and it led to both of them feeling more open and willing to talk.

“You mentioned… a mother?” Haruka said as they walked through the trees. “Had family?”

“Yes,” Isabella answered with a smile. “I was an only child, but I have fond memories of both parents.”

“How were they?”

“I suppose they were both rather carefree,” she said as she thought back. “Neither liked being forced into anything. Even before they met each other they weren’t very devoted to their respective causes. Mother said demons had always intrigued her because they seemed to follow their emotions rather than some blind cause. Father said the two were the same thing. They got into a lot of trouble together.” Isabella smiled fondly. “Honestly, I think I was always the most mature of the three of us.”

“You? Childish one?”

Isabella grinned. “Relatively mature. Still very childish. If you’d met my mother that wouldn’t surprise you, she was very similar. We played a lot, and not just when I was little. She and Father would get into these, these prank wars.”

Haruka raised an eyebrow. “Prank wars?”

Isabella nodded. “One of them would pull one on the other, some sort of joke; they were very creative, usually. Like rigging the bed to teleport the other person a few feet above the lake,” she said with a smile, drawing a chuckle from Haruka. “Then the other would get revenge, and they would go on and escalate until one of them gave up, only to start it up again months later. I was always in the middle, part of the planning; they would divulge their ideas to me, and sometimes I would help pull it off. I never told the other what was going to happen, and they never turned it on me. It was just fun every time, especially with how important and included they made me feel.”

Haruka smiled. “Sounds happy.”

“It was. And I’ve never met two people who loved each other as much as they did.” She looked into the moving water as she walked. “I always hoped I’d meet someone I could have something that strong with, someday. That kind of happiness. I had these silly ideas of having those prank wars against them with my spouse, even them using my own child against me because I
knew
they’d be close to their grandchild.”

Haruka watched her, unsure if she should ask. “What happened?”

Isabella sighed. “Fallen almost all live in Haldar because there’s a lot of racism in many parts of the world, especially towards demons. It’s sort of for good reason since most demons are evil, but that shouldn’t be carried over to fallen, they
gave up
being a demon. But racists aren’t often logical.” She looked up at the sky as she walked. “I was a teenager Common Age when it happened. My parents had both taught me all they knew about fighting, and combined with my natural strength and abilities, it made me a very competent warrior from an early age. I ended up taking a job as a knight; it seemed like a very honorable choice, and my parents were both very supportive. So supportive, in fact, that they moved to the city I lived in.”

“For you?”

Isabella nodded. “To be close to me. I was ecstatic, of course. My parents… they were friends, you know? A lot of times I’d eat lunch with them on break or go somewhere with them on weekends. But we’d always lived in a small town before, knowing most, if not all, of the people there. My parents wanted to get back to that; they enjoyed knowing their neighbors. A city has a lot of people, but they introduced themselves all over. Unfortunately, where there are a lot of people, there are always some bad ones. There was a specific group of them that had a serious problem with my parents being in their city.”

“They attacked?”

Isabella shook her head. “No, they were cowards. Smart ones, though. If they’d attacked my parents, they would’ve been killed with no trouble at all,” she said with some pride. “But in the end it was the friendliness that was their weakness. They had a huge party where they invited anyone in the city that wanted to come. Two of that group came there, apologizing for the way they’d acted.” Isabella’s hands curled into fists, her eyes focusing ahead of her. “My parents forgave them, and let them in with smiles. And while the two mingled, one of them hid a bomb in the house that they’d acquired from a mage. They slipped out after that, and two minutes later the house exploded.”

Haruka just watched her, remaining silent. She felt her own anger at the situation, but she didn’t dare interrupt. She moved closer and set a hand of support on Bella’s shoulder.

Isabella let out a long breath, giving her a smile of gratitude before continuing. “I was one of the soldiers removing survivors from the wreckage. My parents were found, but…” She looked away. “Neither of them made it. Only five people out of the forty present died, and two of them were my parents. After that, I… One of the guests told me about the two men who had come from that group, and had left after only a minute.” She looked at Haruka with both guilt and anger. “I went after them. It wasn’t how things were done, but in that moment I didn’t care. I found the two with the rest of the group in one of their houses, where they were… celebrating,” she ground out the word through her teeth, her knuckles white. “That was the first time I drew my sword without being forced to. They were all dead by the time my superior and a contingent of guards arrived to arrest them.”

Haruka watched sadly as the blue-haired knight looked upwards, lost now in her memories. “I was brought in, of course… You can’t just murder suspects, especially when only two of them were spotted committing a crime by witnesses. I was almost executed, but I’d served well enough until that point that the king decided to exile me instead. I was stripped of my title and thrown out.” She looked down, running her thumb over the grey cloth that kept her sword tied into its scabbard. “I was able to get my mother’s scarf, but it’s been over a century so you can’t really tell anymore that it used to be a scarf. I also got my father’s ring, but
I… I lost that later.” She sighed. “Anyway, that’s what happened. It’s not a good story, but maybe it explains some things.”

Haruka stepped in front of her, tilting her head and inspecting her face. Isabella met her eyes, curious what she thought about all of it. “It’s a tragedy,” Haruka said as she examined Isabella’s face. “Had an impact,” she stated, “a big one. Didn’t it?”

Isabella nodded, averting her eyes. “My life was… different, after that. I really don’t… I don’t want to tell you about that. You’ll hate me. Or you’ll just leave.”

“Never hate you,” Haruka said with a soft smile, taking Isabella’s chin in her hand and making her meet her gaze. “Never leave.”

“Do you promise?”

“I promise.”

Isabella let out a sigh. “Alright…” She took Haruka’s hand in her own, leading her to the side of the river where she sat down. She looked into the water, starting quietly. “I wasn’t always the person I am – or try to be – now. In fact, I’ve really only been this person for twenty years. For most of my life I was a killer. And not just ‘someone who kills people’.” She smiled humorlessly. “The Golden Butcher, that’s the name people gave me. I shut out… everything, really. I shut away all emotions and just fought. I started working for this man named Lord Faust, who had designs on being a king. I didn’t really care what he wanted, but he directed me, and I liked that. I liked not having to think or decide, just doing.”

She shook her head. “Thousands… Thousands died by my hands over the years. Entire towns and clans, families, armies, I killed anything in his way and anything in
my
way. Nearly two
hundred
years of slaughter.” She looked down at herself. “This armor used to be bright gold, you know. It’s almost bronze now because of all the blood that’s stained it over the years.”

“That’s why… you don’t kill?” Haruka asked, beginning to understand her companion more completely.

“It’s why I try not to.” Isabella looked at her. “If I kill, I become more like I was during that time. And if I do it enough, I know I’ll return to that completely. I won’t care about anything.” She shuddered as she looked back at the water. “That version of myself still exists, somewhere inside… I can feel it. I could still lose myself to it completely. I don’t believe that killing needlessly is right, but on top of that I don’t kill because it will kill… well, me.”

Haruka nodded. She laid her hand on Bella’s, squeezing it. “I’m trained to kill,” she said. “Like you were. I can’t judge.”

Isabella looked into her green eyes, smiling softly. “I can tell. And I understand that. I’m not judging you, either. Some of us are just… like that, I guess. In fact, I still am. I know that if I had to kill to protect you… I wouldn’t hesitate.”

“Hope that won’t happen,” Haruka responded. “Grateful, though…”

Isabella sighed. “I don’t know why I was so worried about what you’d think of me…”

Haruka shrugged. “You feel guilty,” she answered simply. “Shouldn’t.”

Bella smiled, laying a hand on Haruka’s cheek. “You’re sweet, but we both know there’s no justification for what I did. Please don’t lie just to make me feel better.”

Haruka sighed. “Sorry.” She looked at her. “Were guilty. No longer. Enough.” She reached forward and brushed several dark blue strands from her face. “Different person.”

Isabella closed her eyes, leaning into the hand. “You really believe that?”

The monk smiled at the action, tracing her fingers down the other woman’s cheek. “Completely.”

The knight moved over, leaning in to hug her tightly. “Thank you,” she said quietly.

Haruka returned the embrace with another smile. “Just honest.”

Isabella felt good, where she was. She spoke of the worst things she’d done and Haruka just absolved her of them; they didn’t matter to her. Here she was holding her, and Isabella felt… a lot of things she’d thought she’d never feel. Safe was the most obvious one, along with a sense of belonging, but there was something more… beyond friendship, just like there’d been in the doctor’s home. Bella’s feelings for Haruka were growing stronger, she knew, and it only made her wonder if Haruka felt the same way. She sighed, her chin resting on the monk’s shoulder. This moment, this position, didn’t feel awkward at all, and neither of them was in a hurry to leave it.