Refuge (29 page)

“I found out last night that I have a cousin
here. Do you know Chris . . . Christian . . . um . . . shoot, I
don’t even know his last name.”

“It is Kent, same as Tristan,” he
supplied.

“I thought Tristan’s last name was Croix –
like Madeline’s.”

Desmund scowled lightly. “Ah, Madeline. Never
cared much for that one. I cannot conceive how a good man like
Tristan could have sired a child as selfish and troublesome as her.
Croix was her mother’s maiden name, and Madeline took it when she
left here.”

“She hurt Tristan a lot when she left.” It
was not a question; I saw flashes of hurt in Tristan’s eyes every
time he mentioned her.

“Madeline was a fine warrior, but she thought
that having Tristan as a father meant she was entitled to certain
privileges and that she was above following the rules set down for
everyone else. Tristan finally set her straight, and she ran off
rather than change her ways. Too much like Elena, that one.”

“You knew Elena? Tristan told me what
happened to her.”

There was no warmth in his laugh. “Tristan
remembers Elena with the love of a brother and to him, she was
spoiled and spirited, but good at heart. I remember her
differently. Even at sixteen, Elena was a manipulative little
thing, always scheming and trying to wrap every male she knew
around her finger. Fortunately, her wiles did not work on me.”

“Why not?”

“She wasn’t my type.” He wore his usual smirk
when he picked up his wine glass. I sensed there was a story behind
that statement, but he wasn’t going to share it. I tried to imagine
what he was like before he was attacked by the Hale witch. With his
good looks and the charm I saw glimpses of, he must have been quite
the ladies’ man.

“Have you ever been in love?” As soon as the
question left my lips I wanted to take it back. He had suffered so
much, and the last thing I wanted to do was remind him of a past
love. “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have asked you that.”

He set his wine glass on the table and stared
at it like he was seeing into his past. “I was in love once or
twice, or I thought I was. It was so long ago that I really can’t
say anymore. What about you? Have you been in love?”

“No. I had a crush on a boy once but nothing
happened. And there was a guy I liked a few months ago but . . .
”

“He did not return your affection?”

I toyed with my fork. “We had one date – if
you could call it that – and he wanted to go out again, but I’d
just found out what I was and I didn’t think it was right to start
a relationship with a human.”

Desmund nodded in understanding and
thankfully did not push the subject. He laid his utensils across
his plate. “I am sorry that I forgot to ask for a dessert. I don’t
usually eat them myself.”

“That’s okay. I probably couldn’t eat much
more anyway.” I pushed back my chair and stood. “Why don’t we have
that rematch instead?”

A familiar gleam entered his eyes. “With
pleasure.”

We walked over to the small table by the
window, and I found a game already set up on the board I had left
for him the last time I was here. We sat across from each other,
neither of us saying anything about the new board or the fate of
the old one. There was a lot I still didn’t know about Desmund’s
illness, and it was possible that he did not remember thrashing the
library. He was doing so well tonight, and the last thing I wanted
to do was upset him by bringing up something so unpleasant.

Two games later, three things were very clear
to me. The first was that I would never defeat Desmund in checkers.
The second was that the more I got to know him, the happier I was
to have him as a friend. The third was that his health had not
improved as much as I’d thought. After several hours together, he
began to show signs of strain: his eyes grew overly bright, and
though he kept smiling, he could not hide the tremble in his hands
when he reached for his checkers. I realized what an effort it must
be for him to hide his constant pain and inner turmoil for so long.
He chose to stay up here, shut off from almost everyone else, not
because he did not like people, but because it was too hard to
conceal his condition. He was a proud man who had once been a great
warrior, and it must be agony for him to endure this weakness of
his mind and body.

I had no way to know if my healing had done
him any good, but I wanted to try it again. The problem was that I
couldn’t just reach over and take his hand or touch his arm without
giving him the wrong idea. All I needed was for Desmund to think I
was hitting on him. Talk about the last person who should be
getting mixed signals.

“Another match?”

“Actually, I’d love to hear you play the
piano again – if you want to, that is.” He’d gotten so wrapped up
in his music the last time that I’d been able to do a healing
without his being any the wiser. Maybe I could do it again.

Some of the weariness left his face. “What
would you like to hear?”

“Surprise me.”

He stood and held out his arm. I took it, and
we went down the hall to the music room. We sat together on the
bench, and Desmund began to play a darker piece full of dramatic
sweeps that seemed to echo his emotional state. It wasn’t anything
I’d heard before and I found it a bit depressing, but he lost
himself in the music, which made it possible for me to do my
thing.

This time when I opened myself to the Hale
witch’s magic, I was ready for the cold blast of nausea that hit
me. Gritting my teeth, I braced myself and drew the dark magic into
me until sweat trickled down my back and I was fighting the shivers
that tried to wrack my body. When I could take no more, I
discreetly pulled away and let my power burn away the witch’s
magic.

Desmund finished the piece and started
another, oblivious to the silent battle being fought beside him. As
soon as my heart rate slowed to normal, I formed the connection
between us again and siphoned more magic from him. At first, the
magic flowed in a steady stream that seemed never-ending, but it
eventually began to slow until it was little more than a trickle.
Using so much of my power to destroy the foul magic should have
exhausted me, but I felt strangely invigorated after my afternoon
in the lake.

Desmund played two more pieces before I saw
that he was tiring. There was definitely more color in his cheeks
again, but it occurred to me he was probably beginning to feel the
same lethargy that most creatures experience after a big healing.
Not that he would ever admit to being tired.

I put up my hand to cover a fake yawn, and he
stopped playing. “Sleepy, little one?”

“Sorry, all this training has me beat.”

“Then you should retire and get some rest. We
can continue this another time.” He stood and smiled down at me.
“Come. You must get plenty of rest if you are going to keep up with
your new trainer.”

We parted at the landing as usual, and I took
a detour to the dining hall for a blueberry muffin before heading
to my room. As I passed the tall windows, I spotted Nikolas and
Celine walking across the well-lit lawn. They stopped and Celine
gazed up at Nikolas with a sultry smile. He said something to her
and her lips parted in what I knew was a throaty laugh, making me
feel like I was intruding on a private moment. Seeing them like
this, I couldn’t help but notice how good they looked together, and
I wasn’t surprised that Nikolas would want to be with the beautiful
woman. She might be a bitch to other females, but obviously males
were very attracted to her.

Celine reached up and put her hand intimately
on Nikolas’s shoulder, and I felt like someone had socked me in the
gut. I pulled back out of sight before either of them could see me
and ran from the room, embarrassed and confused by a host of
strange emotions. Why did it bother me to see them together? It
wasn’t as if there was anything between me and Nikolas; he was
probably the last person I could picture myself with. Yes, he was
gorgeous, and okay, maybe I was a little attracted to him. Who
wouldn’t be? He was good to me, but he was also arrogant and bossy
and moody.

I just couldn’t stand the thought of that
awful woman getting her claws into him.
He can do so much better than
Celine.

What do you care?
my inner voice asked.
You don’t even like him,
remember?

I do like him,
I argued back.
He’s my friend, and I wouldn’t want one of
my friends with someone like that.

Who the hell are you trying to kid? You have never
thought of Nikolas as just a friend.

“No, you’re wrong,” I whispered as I opened
my door. “I don’t care about him that way.”

Liar.

I closed the door and pressed my forehead
weakly against it. “This is not happening.”

The voice did not say a word.

THE NEXT MORNING when I stumbled out of bed,
my head felt like it was in a vise, and I was sporting dark shadows
under my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to crawl back under the
covers and hide there all day, anything to avoid seeing Nikolas.
How was I going to train with him, to be alone with him after
realizing last night that I had feelings for him? I still didn’t
know exactly what they were, but they scared the hell out of me. I
honestly didn’t know if I could deal with any more complications in
my life. Nikolas was my trainer and my friend, and he was nothing,
if not complicated.

Despite Jordan’s assertions, I knew Nikolas
wasn’t attracted to me, especially after seeing him with Celine
last night. Anyway, it wasn’t like I wanted him to like me that
way, did I? No, of course not. We didn’t even get along half the
time. Although, I had to admit that the last few days he had been
patient and understanding. He was different here, more relaxed than
he’d been in Maine, and it was throwing me off. That had to be it.
We were spending a lot of time together and this nicer side of him
was confusing me.

Right?

I wrung my head in my hands. “God, I don’t
need this right now.” My throat felt tight and my voice sounded
hoarse. My sleepless night was screwing with my emotions, and I
would be a total wreck if I didn’t get it together. I’d slept
better than this when I’d had a psycho vampire hunting me. How
messed up was that?

There was only one way to fix this. I had to
act as if nothing had changed and put as much distance as possible
between me and Nikolas until these stupid feelings went away. I
wasn’t sure how that was going to work with him being my trainer,
but I would have to make the best of it. Outside of training, I had
to avoid him at all costs.

Feeling slightly better now that I had a
course of action, I dressed and headed down to breakfast. I passed
Olivia on the stairs, and the questioning glance she shot me was
enough to tell me how awful I looked. My head felt like it was full
of cotton, and I wasn’t sure if the queasiness in my stomach was
from hunger or lack of sleep. If there ever was a day I needed
Starbucks, this was it. A venti Mocha could do wonders for me right
now.

All thoughts of coffee flew out of my head
when I entered the dining hall and the first two people I spotted
were Nikolas and Celine having breakfast together. They were not
alone – Tristan and Chris sat with them – but that did not stop me
from remembering the intimate scene between Nikolas and Celine the
night before. As if she heard my thoughts, Celine leaned to one
side to say something to Nikolas, laying her hand possessively over
his. Anger burned through me, pounding in my ears and filling me
with the urge to go over there and rip her hand away from him and
let her know that he was . . .

He is what?
I came up short, and my irrational anger
immediately dissolved, leaving me confused and hot with
embarrassment. Suddenly, the thought of food made me want to throw
up. I spun on my heel and walked out as fast as I could without
drawing attention to me. I sucked in a deep breath but it wasn’t
enough; the air felt stifling and heavy. Outside – I needed to be
outside, to breathe fresh air or I would suffocate.

I exited by the nearest door and stood still,
breathing deeply of the crisp air, and letting the morning chill
cool my heated face and calm my frazzled emotions. What was wrong
with me? Had I really almost gone over to their table? The thought
of how close I had come to total humiliation sent me striding
across the lawn, searching for a place to pull myself together. A
few people waved to me as I passed them, but to my relief, no one
tried to talk to me. I found myself at the river, where the deep
rushing water drowned out every other sound and slowly began to
draw the tension from my body.

Sitting on the grassy bank with my knees
drawn up to my chest, I stared the fast-moving water without really
seeing it. What had just happened back there? It was like I had no
control over my emotions anymore, and that scared me more than I
could say. I was fine before I’d started training with Nikolas. Had
connecting with my Mori somehow made me more susceptible to its
emotions and urges? Maybe it was my demon’s rage I’d felt a little
while ago and not my own.

I folded my arms across my knees and rested
my forehead on them, wishing there was someone I could talk to
about this. My first thought was Roland, but I quickly dismissed
it. He never let himself develop feelings for a girl, so he
wouldn’t understand. Jordan might be able to explain the Mori
emotions, but as soon as I mentioned Nikolas she would probably
start planning my wedding. Hell would freeze over before I confided
in my grandfather about my sudden attraction to a guy who happened
to be his friend. That was just too weird, and I’d probably need
therapy after.