Reflection (34 page)

She had effectively shut Roslyn up. The reporter quietly jotted down a few more notes before slipping her pad into her briefcase again and standing up. Ursula stood as well, and as she walked Roslyn to the door, she glanced through her window to see the new building as clearly as if it already existed. She could even pick out her office window.

“DAD?” JASON STOOD IN
the doorway of the study. “Can I talk to you when you get off the phone?”

Michael was sitting at his desk, on hold with National Public Radio. Drew was going to California on business the following day, and all the calls to the media about the hearing had suddenly fallen on Michael's shoulders. It had taken him more than an hour to get through to NPR, but he saw the clouded look in Jason's eyes and the way the boy shifted from one foot to the other, and he hung up the phone.

“Have a seat, Jace,” he said.

Jason dropped onto the sofa but said nothing.

“What's up?” Michael prompted.

Jason looked at him from the corner of his eye, his head facing the window. The morning sun etched white rectangles of light on his glasses. “The kids at camp are saying things about you,” he said.

So, the gossip had even reached the computer camp. “Are they?” he asked. “And what are they saying?”

“They said that old teacher who let the kids die is your girlfriend.”

The look on Jason's face was one of guileless confusion, and Michael was suddenly furious at himself for not somehow protecting his son from the rumors. He should never have kept so much of his renewed friendship with Rachel a secret from Jason. How could he explain it to him now without looking as though he'd been hiding something?

He leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “I'm aware that people are talking about me,” he began. “I'm sorry the rumors have reached your ears. But they are rumors, Jace, that's all. The teacher, Rachel Huber, was one of my closest friends when I was your age. You know my old house on Water Street?”

Jason nodded.

“Well, Rachel's family lived there, too. So we were very, very good friends.” He knew his son couldn't easily relate to that concept. Even in his youth group Jason spent most of his time with the adult leaders. “She's here for the summer, and I've gone on a bike ride with her and…” He'd seen the paper that morning. He didn't know how Ursula had found out about the trip to Washington, but he supposed that piece of information had better come from him rather than from the kids at camp. “I went with her and her grandmother to a concert in Washington on Friday night. Her grandmo—”

“You're cheating on Mom.” Jason's cheeks were red and he shrank back on the sofa, as if he had said too much and expected Michael to strike him—something Michael had never done. No doubt Jason was repeating words he'd heard from the kids at camp.

Michael shook his head. “No, I'm not, Jace. Mom even knew Rachel when we were kids,” he added, as though that would somehow make everything all right. “We all grew up together.”

“Everyone says you're a sinner.”

Michael sighed. “We've talked about this before,” he said. “About how it doesn't matter what other people think, right? What matters is—”

The doorbell rang, and he glanced toward the hall in frustration. He leaned forward again and rested his hand on Jason's knee.

“I don't care what other people think,” he said. “What matters to me is what you think.”

Jason got to his feet. The rectangles of light in the boy's glasses disappeared, giving Michael a clear view of the anger in his eyes.

“I think you shouldn't go on bike rides and have a good time with some lady when Mom's away, no matter if you used to be friends or not,” Jason said. He walked into the hall, turning in the direction of his room.

“Jace, wait.” Michael stood to follow him, but the doorbell rang again, and he turned in the direction of the living room instead. He didn't know what else he could say to Jason anyway. He feared the boy believed the words of his peers over those of his father.

Walking toward the door, he could see the black car parked out on the street and he groaned. Lewis Klock. He'd been serious about possibly talking with Lewis about his dilemma, but he had the feeling the choice was about to be taken out of his hands.

“Morning, Michael,” Lewis said when he opened the door.

“Good morning, Lewis. Come in.”

He led the elder into the study.

“Is Jason at home?” Lewis asked as he sat down on the sofa.

“Yes, in his room.”

“Then perhaps we'd better close the door.”

Michael shut the study door with a mounting sense of dread—and resignation. Maybe he'd been weakened by his discussion with Jason, or maybe he was finally ready to ask for help, but for whatever reason, he knew he was going to be completely honest with his old mentor.

“You went to Washington, D.C., this weekend with Rachel Huber?” Lewis asked when Michael had taken his seat at the desk again.

Michael nodded. “Yes. But it wasn't as Ursula implied.”

Lewis listened quietly as he described the trip to D.C. The older man seemed to have nothing to say once Michael had finished talking, but Michael knew Lewis was simply waiting to hear more, encouraging it with his silence.

“I love her, Lewis,” he said finally. “It's not her fault in any way. She's done nothing intentionally to make that happen, but her being here has raised many, many doubts in me, both about my marriage and my faith.”

He told Lewis about the pull of the past he shared with Rachel, and about the lure of a future sure to be filled with joy and love. Although he tried, he couldn't keep the enthusiasm out of his voice, and he was struck by the selfishness in his words. He waited for the elder to chastise him, but he should have known better. That was not Lewis's style. Lewis listened to him with patience and a seeming lack of judgment. Then he quietly began telling the story of David and

Bathsheba, unnecessarily, since that particular Scripture had been creeping uncomfortably into Michael's mind for a couple of weeks now.

“David lusted after Bathsheba,” Lewis said, “and he slept with her despite her married status, sorely displeasing the Lord.”

Michael listened to the story with gritted teeth. His mind was on Jason as he waited out the inevitable conclusion of the tale.

“David confessed his sin, and the Lord took it away. ‘But because you have made the enemies of the Lord show contempt,'” Lewis quoted forcefully, “ ‘the son born to you will die.'” He went on to describe the loss of the couple's infant son, while Michael sat in a pained silence.

“Temptation is everywhere,” the elder said, more gently now. “The fact that this is the first time you've even noticed it speaks well of you, but it also makes it harder for you, because you have no experience in dealing with it. And you need to deal with it openly, Michael. You're surrounded by a congregation that loves you and will support you.”

“Only if I'm willing to do what they want me to do,” Michael said.

“I don't have to spell out the consequences you'll be facing if you don't, do I?”

“No. I'm fully aware of what I'm up against.”

“We have to keep in touch on this, Michael.”

“Yes,” Michael said. That was what he feared. He stood up to walk the elder to the door.

“And Michael?” Lewis turned around to face him. “Whatever happens, remember that God is forgiving even when institutions and the people who run them are not.”

He was struck by the man's compassion. He didn't feel worthy of it, and he closed the door behind the elder wishing he could be that sort of spiritual leader, that sort of human being.

THROUGHOUT THE DAY MICHAEL
made numerous attempts to talk with Jason again, but his son wouldn't budge from the security of his computer screen. Even when he got into Michael's car to go to the ASPCA charity show that night, Jason was silent and sullen. He sat in the backseat while Michael picked up Drew, and the three of them headed for the junior-senior high school.

“Do I have to sit with you?” Jason asked as they neared the school.

Drew laughed. “God forbid, Jace,” he said.

Michael looked at his son's tormented adolescent visage in the rearview mirror. “Want us to let you off out front so no one has to know you came with us?”

Jason made a sound of disgust and slumped back into the seat.

“Oh, the agony of being twelve,” Drew said quietly.

“Tell me about it.” Michael turned into the parking lot of the high school, thinking about Drew's son, Will. Before Rachel came to town, he'd simply forgotten about that loss. Now he wondered how Drew tolerated seeing him with Jason, seeing other fathers and sons together. Michael glanced in the rearview mirror again to see Jason looking out the window. He followed Jason's gaze to the sidewalk, where a group of kids were walking and laughing together. He understood his son's dilemma instantly. Should he sit in the safe, but uncool, company of his father and Drew, or try to join a group of kids who would probably not welcome him?

“Seriously, Jace,” he said, foot on the brake, “do you want me to let you out?”

“Yeah. Okay.” Jason sounded like he was agreeing to his own execution. He opened the car door and stepped out.

“We'll be somewhere on the left side, if you want to come sit with us,” Michael said through the open window, but Jason didn't acknowledge hearing him as he walked toward the group of youngsters. For an instant Michael saw the group through his son's eyes. He could almost see the imaginary line drawn around their territory, the line that would keep the members safely inside while keeping Jason out. Michael quickly put his foot to the gas pedal. He didn't want to see their reaction to Jason's attempt to join them. He wasn't ready to relive that pain.

“You put your heart and soul into raising them,” Drew said as Michael pulled into a parking space in the packed lot, “and then they don't want a thing to do with you.”

“It's a phase.” Michael turned off the ignition. “Only supposed to last ten or fifteen years.” He glanced around the lot, knowing but not quite willing to admit to himself that he was looking for Rachel. He felt undeniably better for his confession to Lewis, but the talk with the elder had worked no miracles when it came to his desire to see his old friend. He knew that Rachel was coming with Helen tonight, and he would have to ignore her. The rumors were too thick to fuel them any more than they had to, and the interview with Ursula had to be fresh in everyone's mind. It certainly was in his. He was angry at his cousin. It was going to be hard to be here tonight, with everyone in town thinking that he and Rachel had indulged in a clandestine rendezvous over the weekend.

“You know, I still don't get how Ursula knew about D.C.,” Michael mused as they got out of the car. He chuckled. “You're the only person I told. You sure you're not sleeping with my cousin?”

Drew frowned at him. “I hope you don't seriously think I would do something like that.”

There was surprising hurt in his voice, and Michael regretted having said anything. Drew was sensitive about the fine line he walked between protecting the land and developing it.

“Of course not,” Michael said. “I was joking.”

They started walking across the parking lot toward the school. “Looks like Lily's going to rake in a few bucks for her cause,” Michael said.

“Have you seen her husband perform before?” Drew asked. Ian's magic act was the benefit's main draw.

“A couple of times.” Michael remembered a party a few years ago when Ian pulled a parrot from Katy's hair. He'd seen a side to Katy that night that he'd never seen before. She'd been almost flirtatious with Ian, obviously pleased that he had plucked her from his audience to help with his tricks. She'd thrown herself into his act with abandon, and Michael had watched her, wondering where she'd been hiding the frivolous side of herself for so many years.

He felt an odd jolt when he walked into the auditorium. This was where the Reflection Day observance was held each year, and he wondered how many other people walking into the room were greeted with the memory of the last Reflection Day, or the one before that. He had to remind himself that the town had turned out for a pleasurable event this time. That was the way it should be.

The high school was old—it had been old back when he'd attended it—but the auditorium had been modernized fifteen years ago. Its lines were sleek, and the walls were a pale blue. The curtains on the stage were navy blue, and the overall effect was appealing. Kids filled the rear of the auditorium, where they could talk and act up without being under the scrutiny of their parents. He didn't see Jason, but he hoped he was among them.

“Over there.” Drew nodded to the corner of the auditorium, and Michael was surprised to see Ian and Jason standing together, deep in conversation.

“Wonder what that's all about?” Michael said.

He and Drew walked toward the front, where there were still some empty seats. Michael cringed when he saw they would have to pass Ursula on the way. She was standing at the edge of the aisle, bending over, talking to a few of her seated constituents. She stood up as she saw them approaching.

“Hi, Michael. Drew.” She smiled as though she had not just done her best to slander Michael and hurt his cause.

Michael wanted to ask his cousin where she'd gotten her information, but instead he and Drew nodded polite hellos and continued walking. He was not about to let her know how she had gotten to him.

They found seats in the fourth row, and it wasn't until they had settled into them that he spotted Rachel and Helen. The two women were sitting in the row in front of him, ten or eleven seats down. Michael had a clear view of Rachel's profile. Obviously she knew he was there as well, because after a few minutes she turned her head to smile at him. He winked in return.