Redemption (12 page)

“You don’t know anything about me and who I love.”

Mathias tugged me close then, the fierce anger showing through clearly.
You’d damn well better believe I know a hell of a lot about you and who you love.
Who turns you the fuck on
,
so much that you come hard enough to pass out?
Tell me he’s ever done that to you and I’ll let you go.
Tell me he’s ever made you feel halfway like the way you feel when you’re with me.

“You’re crazy,” I told him, rather than admit he was right. He held me tighter against him, his erection pressing against me, and it was on the tip of my tongue to tell him that he was treating me exactly the way the LoV had. But I couldn’t—because it was nothing like that. Because if I lost Mathias, it would kill me.

But what if I was wrong about him, the way I’d been wrong about everything? When I voiced that to him, he told me,
You haven’t been wrong about everything.
Not about me.
And not about what brought you here in the first place.

He didn’t press further; instead, let go of me. It was my turn to reach out for him, to pull him close, to comfort myself by pressing my cheek against his chest. He responded by picking me up and I closed my eyes and let him carry me, pretended to be helpless, because he allowed me to be vulnerable without fear.

I didn’t open my eyes until he put me down. I don’t know where I expected to be, but it certainly wasn’t in front of Caspar and Tru in the clubhouse. I didn’t know if I was being put in front of a firing squad, if Mathias had no choice but to bring me here, but it didn’t matter.

Caspar looked serious—and scary. Tru was sitting next to him quietly, deep in thought. I shifted in place as they sat watching me.

“Charlie said he’s got sources in here,” Caspar started, his gaze locked on me, and I got it then. They thought maybe I was his source, somehow, and we’d been putting on some kind of act in the warehouse. But to what end?

“It’s not me,” I said firmly.

Mathias signed and Caspar nodded. “He says you’ve been with him most of the time.”

“And then there are the guards you’ve posted when he’s not,” I pointed out and Caspar stared at me and said, “Figured you needed protection, no?”

“Do you believe what Charlie says about his sources?” Tru asked me.

“He’s always had connections everywhere. I’m not sure how he’d make one here unless someone’s in with the LoV.”

At my words, Caspar slammed his fists down on the table, hard enough to shake it and me. I froze, and Tru came over to my side, put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. It was then I saw that Caspar wasn’t angry at me, but rather at the idea that a member of Defiance was betraying his MC. I just didn’t know how or why he wouldn’t expect that, but I didn’t dare give voice to that question.

Mathias stood behind me, but he didn’t make a move to comfort me. I thought about all the lies swirling around me—all of them mine—and I didn’t see any good way out of this.

Chapter Sixteen

You spin me

Mathias

Jessa followed Tru out of the clubhouse, looking back over her shoulder at me before she exited. Her look begged me to understand why she’d hidden the fact that Charlie was her husband—her fucking husband, for Christ’s sake—but it didn’t do anything to stop my feelings. It just made me want to wrap my hands around Charlie’s neck for the way he’d treated his wife.

“You all right?” Bish asked quietly.

I didn’t think so. But I played like I was just goddamned fine, because Caspar had called the voting members into the room for an early church, which was code for their meetings. Like confession, what went on inside this room stayed in this room.

When the men were seated, Caspar briefly filled them all in and for a long while, no one said a word. The tension thickened with every passing second and finally Rebel said, “What if someone’s in bed with Keller? That’s way fucking worse than the LoV.”

“Doesn’t make sense why Keller’s hanging with the LoV to begin with,” Hammer said, and he was right, because the LoV had nothing much to offer Keller except women—and violence. It wasn’t enough to keep them indispensable to Keller’s mafia. They knew Keller would drop them in a second if Defiance suddenly agreed to split profits.

“None of this shit matters. Matters that we’ve got a traitor here with us, and I figured we were done with that shit.” Caspar’s voice was a knife through the bullshit and all eyes turned to him. “Anyone hear any rumblings? Doesn’t matter how small the complaints.”

“Old gen is still pretty pissed,” Rebel pointed out.

“’Course you’d blame the originals,” grumbled one of said originals, nicknamed Goose.

“Got somethin’ to say, old man?” Rebel’s voice was dangerously low and his eyes glittered in a way I’d never seen before. He’d been pretty even-tempered, but the not-so-silent war between the old and new generations of Defiance was wearing on everyone.

Bish glanced at me. I knew what he was thinking—
do we really want to be part of this shit?

But hell, we’d created some of it. And if we wanted to help Jessa, we had to figure out the best way to do so.

“She’s married to the guy and she didn’t tell anyone. That’s pretty fucking convenient, right?” Goose snapped.

“He’s got a point,” Rebel said. “She had to know that’d make a difference.”

“Or else she’s scared,” Hammer said slowly. “Anyone else starting to notice how fucking scared these women are? Forget Jessa. I’m talking about a lot of women within Defiance. They’re worried about what’s happening out there. Worried that the violence of this club’s going to be taken out on them.”

“It was always that way, Hammer,” Caspar said quietly.

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Hammer told him. “It was never fucking like this.”

Bish was next to me, leaning against the wall. He banged his fist lightly against it, and the entire room filled with tension, the way it had since Aimee was attacked. We didn’t have a place at the table, which meant no vote, and the only reason we were here was because of what we’d done for Jessa.

Hammer met Bish’s eyes. “You and Mathias came to town and you helped us. And now, we don’t know what your plans are.”

“That’s fair,” Bish conceded. “But we don’t know our plans either. After what Tru and Aimee went through, there’s no way we could’ve let Jessa get sold. Didn’t matter who she was. Only matters that we stick to our code.”

I watched Rebel stare Bish down while he spoke, or try to. Bish turned his gaze to Rebel, because he’d felt it too, and I had to admit it was close, but Reb looked away first.
I
think
,
if she was working with Charlie
,
she wouldn’t be fucking me.

Caspar seemed to agree and Bish translated for the rest of the group.

Rebel said, “We’re trusting a woman who’s grown up in politics?”

We’re trusting my gut.

“Tru’s too,” Caspar pointed out.

I glanced at Bish. We both knew Jessa was holding back something else. This shit could blow up in our faces.

So complicated

Jessa

“I guess I can understand why you didn’t say anything about being married to Charlie,” Tru started.

I’d realized there wasn’t a hell of a lot of difference between the MC and politics in general. “I didn’t want it to be true,” I told her. “God, I couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been, what he’d done to me. I wanted my past erased, and the best way to do that was to pretend it didn’t exist.”

“The past always comes up to bite you, Jessa. I learned that the hard way.” Tru smiled ruefully as we walked the footpaths toward the guesthouse.

“Hey!”

Tru turned to find Aimee coming up behind us. I braced, like she was going to question me too, and then I remembered that no one would be talking about it until after the men left the clubhouse. So I relaxed slightly, more so when Aimee said, “I think I actually got sunburned today.”

“Me too,” I said, and we started walking again. For the first time, I really took notice of Defiance’s setup. Normally, I was too distracted by Mathias to do so, but this was as organized as the place I’d been kept, maybe more so. The air of military was strong here, and I asked Tru and Aimee about it, because I knew both of them had grown up here.

“You know MCs originated because of military men,” Aimee said, and no, I hadn’t.

“And then a lot of them began to take in the shitbags who had no discipline,” Tru added. “Not to say military men can’t be dicks but there’s a certain bearing. A lot of responsibility comes with brotherhood. Defiance stays true to that tradition.”

“How long have you had the bunkers here?” I asked, and both women looked at me oddly. “Oh, come on, I lived underground for three years. I know you all didn’t disappear to a cabin in the storm. Besides, Mathias and Bishop told me a little.”

Tru relaxed a little then. “It’s more like a system of tubes.”

“Right. I heard the LoV talking about them as well,” I told them.

“I’m sure they’re not happy we don’t sell them any,” Aimee said.

“Definitely not happy,” I agreed.

“Caspar’s grandfather invented the system during his Navy days, took the shape from the subs he was on during his tours,” Tru explained.

That made so much sense. “This had to take years.”

“They made the best of their PTSD way before it was a thing. They were paranoid bastards and this was less about weather and more about attacks and war, but it worked out well for our generation.” Tru wrapped her arms around her body, like she was giving herself a hug, or maybe protecting herself. “I’m still a little claustrophobic, because of what happened during the Chaos.”

“I found it hard to stay underground too,” I admitted. “I used to spend a lot of time sleeping, because it was obviously the only time I could forget where I was. Everything seemed so...small. And dark. No matter how well they lit the bunkers, it always felt dark.”

“I’d rather be outside in the dark any day of the week,” Tru agreed. “But the system saved Defiance.”

“So Caspar’s family has been in charge of Defiance from the start then?” I asked.

“It’s complicated,” Tru said, and I noticed that Aimee had gone uncomfortably quiet. We’d gotten to the guesthouse, and under the outside light, I noticed that she looked pale.

“Aimee, are you okay?” I asked.

“I’ve got to get to the clinic,” she said absently, and she turned and left with a slight wave.

“Did I say something wrong?” I asked.

Tru shook her head. “She’s going through some things. That’s what happens. She’s good and then she remembers.”

“What happened to her?”

“The men who used to be in charge of this club hurt her.” Tru’s voice shook. The anger flushed her face and she took a breath before continuing. “She’s going to be okay. She’s studying with the doctors. She’s got someone in her life who loves her. And all of Defiance is behind her.”

“But she’s never going to be the same.” At the sound of another woman’s voice, Tru jerked her head toward the dark-haired, tattoo-sleeved woman who had walked up silently. I thought about leaving, but things happened so fast I didn’t dare move.

“Those are the first words you say to me after four months?” Tru was on her feet and in the woman’s face quickly.

The woman put her hands on her hips and said quietly, “I prefer not to live in never-never land, where you’ve decided the MC is going to be perfect since you’re back.”

“Bullshit, Luna. You know we’re the ones who can force change. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. And you took advantage of it, unless the men let you work on the bikes in secret before Lance died.”

“Just because we can work alongside the men doesn’t ease what Aimee went through. She’s not a human sacrifice, Tru. But she did lose everything. And she’s putting up a great front, but I’ll bet you anything that she’s dying inside. No one’s that strong.”

“So why are you avoiding her then?” Tru demanded.

“Because I don’t know how to make things better. I don’t think they can be. And it kills me, because I never ran. I stayed and now I wish I hadn’t.”

“Does Rebel feel the same way?” Tru asked.

“I don’t talk to him about this.”

“Right. You don’t talk to anyone. Please, come visit Aimee with me. She misses you. You’re like two hundred feet from her and it’s as if you’re on a different planet,” Tru said.

“I’m not ready.” With those words, Luna turned and left. Tru took a couple of steps to go after her, then stopped and hung her head as a small sob escaped her throat.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I put a hand on Tru’s shoulder and was surprised when Tru turned into me and hugged me. I stroked her hair like my mom used to do when I was little, back when I thought she could make everything better.

Knowing no one actually could was probably one of the worst parts of growing up.

Finally, Tru pulled back. “Thanks, Jessa. Do you think you can get to the bottom of this?”

“Of what?”

Tru gave a small smile. “Bishop might be stealthy, but when a guy loves a girl, they tend to lose all common sense.”

Chapter Seventeen

You should know that I’m not afraid

Jessa

After Tru left, I paced for a while and tried to explain about Charlie to Mathias a million times and ways in my head.

So when Mathias and Bishop came in, I should’ve been prepared. But I went silent, just waiting to see what Mathias would say to me.

Bishop spoke instead, and he wasn’t translating. “Might want to get ready,” he said and handed me a pair of jeans and a black top. I guessed it was either something of Tru’s or Aimee’s, and it looked tight and sexy and like nothing I normally wore.

I had closets full of conservative outfits at home. Even when I’d been away at boarding school, playing guitar, I’d done so in my sensible clothes.

I never wanted to be sensible again. But I certainly didn’t think, after what had happened, that I’d be going anywhere. I held the silky black material and the denim, heard Bishop drop shoes too...and still, I didn’t make a move.

“Do you understand why I didn’t say anything about being married to Charlie?” I asked Bishop finally.

“I’m not the one who matters.”

“You are, though. You’re such an important part of it,” I told him.

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t get it. Grief and fear make people do strange things.”

I wondered if he was talking about Luna as much as he was talking about me. “I don’t think he wants to see me.”

“Then you’ll have to want to see him more,” Bishop said. “Tru and Aimee had me drop this stuff off. They’ll be here to get you in a few minutes.”

“Wait, where are they taking me?”

“The place you want to be,” was all he said.

* * *

An hour later, Tru and Aimee laughed their way into the guesthouse. They’d already started drinking—Tru carried a bottle with her—and I noted that Hammer was outside, waiting for them.

“I knew those clothes would look great on you,” Tru said.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Out. It’s time to have some fun and make merry. For tomorrow, we may die,” Aimee said, and I was surprised to see her smiling when she’d said that.

“I just can’t think about going out and having fun now.” Beyond what had happened with me today, there was still Keller, and the LoV, to think about. Not to mention storms.

“How can you not?” Tru asked.

I hadn’t considered that.

“Bad things are going to happen whether or not we have fun. We can’t stop it, so why not enjoy the fuck out of ourselves, as Cas would say,” Tru continued.

“Because I never have,” I said simply.

“Then it’s about time you do. Let’s go have some fun.” Tru stopped. “What’s the worst that could happen? Can you die from having too much fun?”

“Maybe,” I whispered.

“But what a way to go,” Tru said as she hooked her arm in mine and we followed Aimee out the door.

The bar the MC owned was on Defiance’s compound, but allowed civilians—like me, I supposed—on certain nights. It was crowded by the time Tru and Aimee walked me inside. I felt conspicuous in my tight jeans and tank top after shrugging off a borrowed leather jacket.

I felt eyes on me, and realized a lot of the men—and the women—were staring at me, and not in a good way.

“Does everyone know?” I asked and Tru nodded. Any trust I’d earned with Defiance was gone, but it didn’t bother me half as much as the ground I’d lost with Mathias.

“They won’t give you much shit because you’re with Tru,” Aimee told me.

“Come on. We came here to have fun. Forget about all of it and have some fun.”

I followed Aimee and Tru onto the dance floor and we put our hands up and shook our hips and we laughed and shimmied like we didn’t have a care in the world, and I guessed that’s how they handled things. Maybe it was the reason they could.

And then I looked over and I saw Mathias. He was dancing too, on a table, with several women.

Whether or not he was doing it purposely to get my attention or my jealousy didn’t matter. The fact was, the women had their hands on him. And he was mine. I’d never felt such a primal roar of possession in my life.

“Oh, is that your man?” Aimee asked innocently.

“You guys knew he’d be here.”

Tru blinked innocently. “I had no idea. But what I do know is, if you want him, you’re going to have to go get him.”

“You don’t think I betrayed him, or Defiance, do you?” I asked suddenly.

Tru tilted her head. “I think you’re scared, and I know that fear makes you do things you wouldn’t do otherwise.”

I thought that was her way of saying yes, but I could take her statement a couple of ways. Still, she motioned toward Mathias and I didn’t think she’d guide me in that direction if she didn’t trust me.

Did I trust myself? I’d wavered, just slightly, but still wavered just the same when Charlie talked about Defiance using me. I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge that fear, tucked into the back of my mind.

Maybe it was time to acknowledge everything, starting with the fact that I only wanted Mathias dancing with me. And in my borrowed boots that made me feel sexy and like I could kick some serious ass, I sauntered over to the table and put my hands on my hips.

He looked down and watched me carefully. And one of the women put her arms around his waist and moved against him, ignoring me purposefully. I moved to stand on a chair and then the table just as purposefully, easing past the second woman.

She didn’t put up much of a fight, but the other one wouldn’t go down easily. Instead of dealing with her directly, I put my body against Mathias, fitting it to his because I knew we fit together so well. And I bit his neck, and then licked the reddened skin.

He turned and gave me a hot, lazy smile. The woman gave me a little push on my shoulder and said, “Go find your husband.”

“I don’t want my husband. I want him.” I stared at Mathias and only him as I spoke, and then tugged my hand through his hair and pulled his face down to mine. I kissed him hard, and I swear I heard some wolf whistles, but that might not’ve been for us.

Playing.
With.
Fire.
He mouthed that carefully, and I knew it was a warning—a big one—but I didn’t care. I
wanted
the fire. And I knew what I had to do to prove it.

I jumped down from the table, looking back at him over my shoulder for a second before I pushed through the crowds and up to the raised platform where the live band was just starting to set up. The jukebox was playing for now, and I went over to the man with the guitar and I told him what I needed to do.

“Yeah, that’s cool,” he told me.

A few minutes later, I stood in front of the mike as the opening bars of the all-too-familiar song rang out. My heart pounded, the rush of blood to my ears overpowering everything else.

You can’t screw this up—it’s too important
, I told myself.

I searched the crowd and found Mathias, my eyes settling on his dark ones. I wouldn’t screw it up. And when the opening bars of the music played behind me, I swallowed and I sang, for the first time in years, in a public place.

It wasn’t a fast, catchy song, but it seemed to be something most were familiar with.

If anybody...should ever write...my life story
...

When I sang the refrain to “Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me,” Mathias moved away from the women who’d been surrounding me. It was so damned obvious to the entire bar who I was singing to, making a fool out of myself for. But I didn’t care. I only cared about letting Mathias know that I’d inexplicably fallen in love with him, that the signs had all been there.

My body moved to the music as I sang and I watched him, itching to jump down and join him. And he knew it. He was teasing me. It was like I was on the other end of a string, pulled taut between us. A tightrope between my past and my future.

But the tug was all mine.

Afterward, there was applause, but that didn’t matter. What did was that Mathias was in front of me, holding out a hand to me, motioning for me to jump. I didn’t hesitate, knew that he’d catch me, and judging by his smile, I’d passed the first part of his test.

He held me and balanced a bottle of beer as he carried me through the bar and into a back hallway that was dark and dotted by other couples here and there. He placed me down, my back to the wall, set the beer down next to my feet. It was quiet and he stood in front of me, put a hand under my chin and forced me to meet his eyes. I did, with a great deal of trepidation. I didn’t exactly find warmth there, but he wasn’t icy either.

He was protecting himself. Because of me. Because I’d hurt him. And here I’d thought it was definitely going to be the other way around. “I’m sorry, Mathias. I should’ve said something to everyone, but most especially, to you.”

He shrugged, the
Why didn’t you?
coming through loud and clear.

“I didn’t want that to be real. I wanted this to be real,” I whispered to Mathias, pointing between us.

It was
, Mathias mouthed, and at the word
was
, my stomach dropped.

“You’re so angry with me.”

I
am.

I saw the truth of that in his eyes. “I’m sorry. But I think it’s obvious who I want to be with.”

Finally, he signed, and I swore I understood what he said.

Show me how obvious
.

But I didn’t have time to ask if I was right, because he proved it. He pushed me up against a blank slab of wall, moved my arms up over my head, catching my wrists in a single hand while his free hand brushed my bare tummy. I shivered as the music pounded overhead. A single bulb flickered a little as the floor bounced under the weight of the people dancing on the other side of the wall. We weren’t the only ones in the hallway—but hidden by Mathias’s body, I pretended we were. It didn’t matter—the only thing that did was him touching me. It was what I wanted—he’d become a drug and I couldn’t get enough.

Having fun?

I moaned in response as his fingers found my sex, the pad of his forefinger running along my clit. He chuckled silently, his eyes dark with intent. He held my hands firmly behind my back, playing with me as we rocked together in the middle of the hallway and I didn’t dare look around, because I was pretty sure everyone was as close to having sex as we were.

I wasn’t supposed to care. I was only supposed to concentrate on him, and I’ll be damned if that was all I could do.

“Mathias!” I yelled his name out into the music, and he heard and maybe everyone else did too, but in the rush of my orgasm, nothing mattered but the giant throb of pleasure in my womb. I sagged against him and still, he held my hands in place behind my back, kept me solidly upright while he kissed me through the aftershocks. His eyes glowed when I told him, “I want to return the favor.”

In the semi-privacy of that hallway corner, I knelt between his legs. I knew it was foolish to feel protected by the dark, but I was. Somehow, this was right, because all I cared about was pleasing Mathias at this moment.

Defiance women take care of their men.
That’s why our men take such good care of us.

Now I understood the infinite and unbreakable attraction most women—no matter their age or education or status—had for bad boys.

There was nothing better than a bad boy between your legs. It made everything else you put up with worth it.

I took his cock in my mouth, as deep as I could. I wasn’t skilled by any means, but it had never meant more to me to get this right than now.

I could feel his moans. A gentle hand threaded through my hair and gripped it hard when I hit the right spots, egging me on. And when he was about to come, he tried to pull me away but I refused. I swallowed him, wanting to taste him. And when I pulled back and looked up at him, his eyes were shut and he’d leaned his head against the wall.

God, I liked being able to make him that relaxed.

I zipped his pants, then got off my knee, grabbing the bottle he’d put on the floor earlier and taking a big sip. And then I leaned into him and told him, “By the way, I did that for you, not for Defiance.”

He gave a small, pleased smile, like he’d thought so, but still had needed to hear it.