Redeeming the Deception of Grace (8 page)

The question was how
.
With a
heavy sigh
,
he straightened his posture and walked into the room as he heard Whit
down the hall
behind him.

The unsettling feeling of not
be
ing sure of one
'
s actions or emotions
g
nawed at Ewan
,
and he waited, pacing the floor
.
Whit came into Ewan
'
s room with a polite expression that was overdone
.
Though he was the
butler
, he had also become Ewan
'
s confidant
.

A clearing
of the throat broke Ewan from
his musing. In looking up
,
he noticed Whit was waiting patiently by the doorway with an expectant look in his eye
.

"
Took you long enough to get here
,
"
Ewan barked
.

Whit
'
s eyebrows rose
at Ewan
'
s surly attitude
.
Ewan knew it was in response to his exceedingly foul mood.
The
lack of control over his own em
otions was frustrating
.
He pinched the bridge of his nose with his forefingers.

"
Yes
,
sir
.
M
y
apologies
,
"
Whit remarked with a slight bow
.
He set the cure for Ewan
'
s headache on the side table
,
and Ewan
'
s eyes narrowed in suspicion at the vile concoction.

"
Your meek response is lost on me
,
Whit
.
I know you aren
'
t the least bit repentant
,
"
Ewa
n said.

"
True
,
sir, but it always pays off in the end to feign humility
,
"
Whit
'
s
repl
ied
as he put his hands behind his back.

"
Feigning humility? Is that what you call it?
"
Ewan mumbled
.
He
stopped pacing and closed his eyes
.
Inhaling a
deep
breath
,
he
closed his eyes for a prolonged moment before speaking the overdue apology.

"
Whit, I owe you an apology,
though I am
loath to admit it
,
"
Ewan
began
,
and Whit
looked as if trying to suppress a grin
.

"
No need
,
sir.
"
Whit spoke with a perfectly emotionless tone
that
,
even after years of service
,
annoyed Ewan with its detachment
.
The last thing he wanted
was
to be reminded of was his butler
'
s perfectly controlled emotions when his were driving him mad.

Ewan looked at Whit without moving his fingers and gave him a disbelieving look.
"
We both know you
'
re crowing over there
,
knowing I
'
m tied up in knots
,
but regardless, you don
'
t deserve my ire.
"
Ewan expelled another
deep
breath and straightened his posture.

"
Accepted, sir
.
"

"
Good, now…
"
Ewan began to pace again.
"
I find I
'
m having an issue with a lady…
"
Ewan trailed off.

"
A mistress?
"
Whit
as
ked
.

"
Oh, no.
"
Ewan chuckled without mirth.
"
That would be far too easy to address. No, this is with a young lady.
"

"
Has she set her cap for you? Lured you into a compromising position?
"

"
No
.
T
hat I could deal with as well.
"
Ewan pinched the bridge of his nose once again.

"
A widow?
"
Whit tried again.

"
Would you simply quiet yourself and let me speak?
"
Ewan roared
, his anger
earning an
honest
ly
repentant look from Whit.
"
No, it
'
s none of th
ose things
!
T
hat is the problem!
All of those situations would be easy to take care of!
"

Exasperated
,
Ewan flopped into a chair by the fire, staring at the orange flames licking
at
the wood
.

"
It
'
s
Grace
.
"
Ewan spoke in a reverent whisper
.

"
Lady Grace
,
sir?
"
Whit waited for Ewan to explain.

"
Yes,
Lady Grace
.
"
After a moment
'
s pause
,
he continued.
"
I think I might love her
,
"
h
e whispered quietly
,
uncertain about speaking the words out loud.

"
You might love her
,
meaning…
?
"
Whit asked
.

With an impatient glance
,
Ewan
regarded
Whit before answering.
"
What do you think? As a wife! I
'
m wretchedly in love with
Grace
, want her to be my wife
,
and she won
'
t give me the time of day! What
'
s worse is that
degenerate Shiply
is paying her court
,
and…
"
He paused in his tirade before continuing.
"
Everything
would be fine
—
normal
—
if Shiply would have just kept to himself, away from
Grace
! I
'
d still be blissfully unaware of my feelings toward her
,
and I wouldn
'
t be wallowing, pouring out my bleeding heart to my
butler!
"
He gestured to Whit as he spoke the last sentence
,
then sighed and let his head fall back on the chair, knocking it soundly on the wooden knob on top.

"
Ouch!
"
He cursed, rubbing the offended area of his head.

"
Sir?
"

"
What?
"
Ewan mumbled, still rubbing his head.

"
If I may sum it up, to ensure I understand?
"
Whit took a step to
ward Ewan
with a
thoughtful e
xpression on his face.

"
If you must
,
"
Ewan
grumbled
.

"
You love
Lady Grace
,
b
lame Shiply for bringing it out
,
and now regret loving her and want everything to go back to the way it was?
"

"
Yes
.
I mean
,
no
…
I mean, that is the problem!
"
Ewan stood up
and rubbed the back of his neck before allowing his hand to drop to his side.
"
I don
'
t know what I want
,
other than I want
Grace
,
and…
"
Ewan didn
'
t know how to articulate the deep fear that choked his ability to speak.
"
And, I think, perhaps I
'
m afraid that…
"

A
fter
a
prolonged silence
, Whit prodded,
"
Yes
,
sir?
"

"
That she won
'
t want me
,
"
Ewan whispered.

"
I see
,
"
Whit responded, rocking back on his heels
.
A moment later
,
he began working his jaw
and
appeared to be deep in thought.
"
Is she worth the risk?
"

Ewan gave Whit an impatient glare that offered a clear view o
f
his opinion o
n
Whit
'
s intelligence in asking such a question.
"
Of course she is! That
'
s not the issue or the problem!
"
Ewan paced back and forth across the plush rug
.

He paused,
watching the fire dance in the hearth
.
After a moment he continued.
"
Grace
is wonderful, witty and lovely
.  S
he won
'
t allow me to be selfish or arrogant but pushes me
.

"
As much as I find that annoying at times…
"
He offered Whit a wry grin before
becoming serious
.
"
I love her for it.
She
is not the issue
—
she
'
s worth so much more than I
am
, and that…
that
is the problem
.
"

Ewan paused, rubbing
the stubble on his chin with his fingers, letting the friction distract him from his misery for a moment.
"
I love her, but I don
'
t deserve her
.
Is there anything more wretched?
"
He gave
Whit a small
,
humorless
laugh.
"
To want someone so desperately, yet at the same time
,
wanting someone better for her than yourself
,
because you
'
re not good enough
,
"
h
e whispered.
"
I
'
m not good enough.
"
Desperation
echoed in his heart as he spoke the words
,
knowing how they were exceedingly true.

"
Well spoken
,
sir.
"
Whit held none of the usual dry humor in his tone.

"
It
'
s the truth
,
Whit.
"
Ewan stood straight
,
examining Whit
'
s expression for a trace of what the man was thinking.