Redeem My Heart (24 page)

“No?” Ryland allowed her room to maneuver and laced his arms behind his head. A hint of his cologne encircled Fallon and she breathed him in, ripping open the foiled wrapper and straddling his thighs. He was fully erect and very impressive in his width and length. She would have thought she’d been done for the night, but she yearned to have him inside of her immediately. “Here I thought you were dedicated to your career.”

“Considering that Crest told my supervisor that I had completed my consulting job for him, I was expected to go into the office tomorrow,” Fallon informed him, slowly taking her time in rolling on the latex condom. She enjoyed watching it cover his smooth skin. It was rather erotic and she didn’t want to rush this. “I took a personal day. And before you start thinking about Quaid and Utley, I’d like to remind you that we’re otherwise engaged at the moment. As you said earlier, there’s nothing that can be done until morning comes.”

“My little savior, there is always something that can be done,” Ryland advised, flipping Fallon over before she had time to cry out. He entered her with one thrust, leaning over her on his elbows. He stilled his movements so that she was able to adjust to his considerable size. “Even I recognize that taking time for oneself is indeed healthy.”

Fallon had expected him to pick up the pace and quickly take them to that precipice she’d been on multiple times this evening. Instead, his face was inches from hers as he slowly and methodically drove into her over and over. Ryland even took her hands and laced his fingers with hers, lifting her arms above her head while never stopping the leisurely measured thrusts. Every part of their bodies that could have contact touched. It was an aphrodisiac that she couldn’t get enough of.

There was no need for words from that moment on. It was just the two of them. No names. No identities. No outside factors to take them away from what had been building for years. This moment…this brief stop of time…made every second count. His brown eyes never once wavered from hers and their breaths mingled while their fingers remained entwined. They were one. Finally.

Chapter Twenty

T
he apartment was deathly silent. Ryland lightly stroked Fallon’s arms as she lay sleeping against him with a satisfied smile on her face. This had been a mistake. He never should have made love to her. The words he’d chosen only supported his belief. For over a year, all they had done was dance around the fact that they wanted to fuck. It was supposed to remain uncomplicated…like his life. He always maintained distance and this wasn’t to be any different. Yet it was.

Ryland would leave in the morning and most likely never return. E.D.A. would either complete their mission by taking him to recreate their flawless assassin or he would meet his maker while resisting them. He didn’t feel fear really, so this regret he was experiencing upon knowing either outcome was failure. It was because of Fallon.

“Ryland?”

“Right here,” Ryland murmured, pressing a kiss to Fallon’s forehead.

Fallon settled back against him with a small sigh of contentment and another wave of remorse swept over him. It was still an unfamiliar concept, but it was useless to ponder over spilled milk. She made him want something more and that wasn’t acceptable. She’d probably say it was because Travis was lurking just beneath the surface, but she couldn’t seem to accept that Ryland would always be the most dominant part of who he was. Was he a different man because of her? He couldn’t argue the fact that he was, but it wasn’t enough to make things right.

When Ryland was confident Fallon was deeply asleep, he extracted himself and walked out of the bedroom. He poured himself a glass of whiskey, not enjoying the rich flavor the way he had in the past. He drank it anyway as if swallowing a harsh medicine he knew had passed its effectiveness and stood at the island while staring at the files that still remained on the coffee table. Even if they were able to ascertain who had breathed life into this phantom organization called E.D.A., it still wouldn’t remedy his dilemma. He wasn’t made for this type of life that Fallon had set up for herself. He couldn’t stay in one place and he would always have ties to the worst criminal elements in society—the very ones she’d vowed to prosecute.

“You’ll have to do better than that if you think I won’t notice you gone,” Fallon said softly, coming up behind him and wrapping her arms around his waist. It was apparent that she’d not taken time to put on her robe. Ryland closed his eyes at the ache the intimacy created. He’d never thought he’d experience this type of familiarity and he currently had no barriers to keep her out. Why build a wall against an attack you had never believed would come? It was excruciating and he drained his glass to wash down the agony. “Nightmare?”

“No,” Ryland replied, finally turning and taking her into his arms. He tucked her head underneath his chin. It was dark inside the apartment, but the golden hue coming from underneath her microwave would be enough for her to see his face. “You know I don’t require a lot of sleep.”

Ryland held Fallon while stroking her back, the longing to give her what she needed overwhelming. He wondered if that feeling would ever go away. He’d always known he’d end up in some type of hell, but he hadn’t counted on it being so soon.

“You mentioned that E.D.A. would in all probability use a phrase or a key word to trigger the subject’s willingness to receive and execute whatever directive or operational assignment was given.” Ryland still considered the two outcomes the only results of what could transpire, but he’d rather go out his own way than remain someone’s puppet. “Is there a way around that? A way to nullify its affects?”

“Honestly, I would have thought the amount of time that has passed would have diminished the effect of any programmed trigger.” Fallon had placed her cheek against his chest and he wondered if she were listening to his heartbeat. “I even spoke with a psychiatrist who specializes in hypnosis. He agreed that any such controlling method should have dissipated with time, but it’s not guaranteed. Moza and Cyril are examples of just how profound E.D.A.’s methods were back in the day. On the other hand, they are going to extreme lengths to get you back when all they would have to do is get close enough to say that one word or phrase.”

Ryland wasn’t so sure about that, but he wouldn’t know anything until tomorrow. He pushed aside any lingering concerns and leaned back enough so that he could cradle her face with his palms. Her blue eyes were darker in the dim lighting, but the worry within was evident.

“Thank you for tonight.” Ryland said what he needed Fallon to hear. Come tomorrow, her hurt and anger would be her guiding light. He would do his best to limit that, wanting her to understand the reasoning behind his choices. “You are a very special woman, Fallon. I never imagined we would end up here this way. Your belief in me is absolutely staggering in the light of day.”

“You’re scaring me,” Fallon whispered, resting her warm hands against his chest. “Whatever it is that you—”

“I’ve never frightened you, darling.” Ryland gave her a wry smile and a small shake of his head. He lifted his arms. “These hands? Are covered in blood, some of it justified and some of it not so much. Even you recognize that they can’t be washed and yet you allow me to touch you.”

“Every person has stains on their soul,” Fallon said softly, reaching up and grabbing hold of his fingers. She brought them to her lips and gently pressed a kiss to his knuckles. “Some are just more visible than others, but no one on this earth is without sin. It’s your choice from this point on that can make all the difference.”

“And what do you foresee me doing, my little savior? Do you see E.D.A. vanishing into thin air? Would you have me living high off of what little retirement Crest has left me with? Maybe I could open an organic grocery.” Ryland shook his head with acceptance, something Fallon wasn’t able to do. She would forever astound him with her ability to have faith in something so unredeemable. “I’m astonished I’m still here, considering the number of government agencies that would rather have me eliminated than a constant thorn in their sides. Do you know what that means? That whoever I allow close to me, which has never posed a problem before, is at risk. You’re at risk. That is something I cannot allow to happen. So no matter how this finishes, it doesn’t have an ending that will satisfy either one of us.”

Fallon remained silent and took Ryland’s hand, pulling him back into the bedroom. She climbed on top of the mattress as if they hadn’t spoken, drawing him with her so that she could lie against him like before. It was only then that she spoke.

“What do you feel right now?”

Ryland wasn’t a man who struggled with much of anything, but he found that he couldn’t give Fallon a response. He pulled her closer to him, holding her tighter than he had ever done with anything before. His chest experienced physical pain and he could sense a slight tremor in his grip. The sharp headache that appeared at his temples was almost his undoing. He didn’t remember a time that he’d ever cried either, but the stinging behind his eyes led him to believe that he was at least part human. The agony that tore through him was severe and the only thing that held him together was having Fallon in his arms at that moment.

“If I thought I was able to experience love,” Ryland whispered hoarsely, afraid if he spoke any louder his voice would crack, “then I’m certain this is what it would feel like.”

*   *   *   *

Ryland had left Fallon’s apartment before zero six hundred hours while she’d been in the shower thinking they were going to meet with Crest to go over whatever intelligence he might have discovered over the course of the night. This was Ryland’s only avenue to take if he were to keep her safe. She’d somehow become a part of him and that portion was full of light. He wouldn’t allow it to be extinguished.

He had disregarded the fact that Townes had alerted Crest of his presence. It didn’t matter. Ryland had used a restroom on a busy subway station to adhere the facial hair to his face, apply the make-up needed to make it appear he had a receding hairline, and then added on the additional spectacles. Anyone monitoring the camera systems wouldn’t be any wiser until too much time passed. Only then would they send someone in to investigate.

Washington D.C. was a very busy city and Ryland had always used that to his advantage. He’d continued to change appearances multiple times until the briefcase he’d been carrying was of no use to him any longer. He finally left it in a restroom receptacle at a random café, far from where his meeting would be taking place.

Ryland pushed away any thoughts about last night. They would only distract him from what needed to be done. Fallon had already unknowingly placed herself in danger the moment she’d requested more information on E.D.A. Ryland was confident that either Quaid or Utley was responsible for the resurgence of the program from mothballs. Fallon had done her part and although he’d fought the reality of what she’d discovered…he now had to face the fact that he wasn’t his own man. He hadn’t made his own choices. That much was evident and it went against his every fiber to accept it.

Crest had mentioned that Ryland had technically had a choice upon the dissolution of the organization, but he could see now that would never have happened. The training hadn’t gone away just because the cause of it vanished. He was defined by his career as much as his career defined him to everyone he’d ever dealt with in his adult life. The repercussions would last until he fully remembered or upon his death. Moza and Cyril were perfect examples of that eventuality, although Ryland really needed to speak with Gene Cyril to confirm what he believed. Why would Cy have fallen off the grid like he had? Chances were he’d known about E.D.A. and had taken advantage of an opportunity to escape when the opportunity presented itself.

Too many unanswered questions that would soon be answered though. Ryland glanced at his watch. Two minutes until he needed to be at his destination. He surveyed the area, observing the masses as they walked by him absorbed in their everyday life. People were starting their day and the streets were becoming jammed with traffic and pedestrians. Lafayette Park walkways were now becoming bridges for masses of humanity and would suit his purposes exactly.