Red Dirt Diary 3 (16 page)

When Mum, Peter and Dad came in for the birthday afternoon tea, the house was covered in wet towels, dead marshmallow sheep, chocolate cake crumbs and a pongy smell that no-one should have to experience on their birthday. Sophie was leaning over the kitchen sink
scrubbing her face with the dishcloth, bawling her eyes out. Fez was pushing clumps of toilet paper back down the loo with Dad's new violin bow and Wes was giving Smart Rat mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on the dining table. Flipper was standing nearby, shivering with suspense over whether Smart Rat would make it.

Mum freaked.

Dad just shrugged and said, ‘Oh, well … I s'pose it could be worse.'

And he was right. Peter slipped on the wet floor and bashed his head on the corner of the dining table. Fez tore up Dad's new blue flannelette pyjamas to bandage his head.

Happy birthday, Dad!

Sunday, 22 July — Happy birthday, Dad (attempt two)!

Sophie, Mum and I made a big cream sponge for Dad today. We all sat down for afternoon tea, lit the candles and sang ‘Happy Birthday to You'. Dad said there were so many candles that he needed our help. Wes leaned over, took a deep breath and sneezed all over the cake.

Mum rolled her eyes, took the cake out for the pigs and opened a packet of chocolate biscuits.

Wes, Fez and Smart Rat spent all evening writing their next manners column for
The Bake Tribulation
.

Monday, 23 July

Back to school for Wes, Fez, Petal, Flipper, Smart Rat and me. Sophie and Peter are home for two more weeks — HOORAY!!

Mr Cluff is back from Scotland and full of joy. He just about
skipped
around the playground all day long. He wore a really daggy Scottish hat called a Tam o' Shanter — red tartan with a black pompom on top. Mat and I agree that
M
ISSION
M
C
K
ENZIE
must have gone well, but we are both a bit concerned that Mr Cluff hasn't mentioned anything about Miss McKenzie coming home to Hardbake Plains.

The Colonel started the day with a very serious Soldiers-Prepare-for-Action speech. There is only
one week to go! He encouraged us to start packing our backpacks and to practise our adventure and survival skills as much as we can over the next week leading up to camp.

We spent our recess and lunch time climbing, swinging on ropes and doing archery. Mat practised filing her fingernails and applying nail polish while sitting on a rock.

Worms practised going without food for as long as he could. He lasted for four minutes and twenty-seven seconds at recess before he ate three muesli bars, a banana muffin and a pear. At lunch time he only lasted for two minutes and fifty seconds, but he said that was because he had eaten such a small morning tea!

The Colonel took the carrier pigeons all the way to Dubbo after school this afternoon. He wanted to do a longer home run before we take them on camp. Hope they all turn up tomorrow.

Tuesday, 24 July

The carrier pigeons were all back at school. Each of them delivered a little message to prepare us for camp, like:

 

A good soldier always carries a clean handkerchief

A tidy camper is a happy camper

Be prepared for anything

 

Ned is really keen to be prepared. At recess he filled his backpack with his sandwiches, a handkerchief, Gabby's thermometer and bandages, Blacky the carrier pigeon, a game of Scrabble and his pencil case. He climbed right up to the top of the big gumtree to practise his climbing skills and couldn't get down again.

Nobody even noticed he was stuck until Scrabble letters and tears started falling from the sky. I think he was trying to spell out a sentence like, ‘Will someone please rescue me?' but the letters didn't fall in the right order. Nick got cross because he found a group of letters at Lynette's feet that said SCUM.

Mr Cluff was about to ring the Bush Fire Brigade, but the Colonel said, ‘Don't worry! I know exactly what to do. The Fifth Regiment of the Pink Paratroopers was faced with the same dilemma in 1977. Their sergeant was caught in the top branches of a kauri tree when parachuting into New Zealand during the Great Kiwi Rebellion of 1977.'

He wriggled his hairy eyebrows and disappeared inside. When he came back he had ropes, two helmets, a block of chocolate and a harness. He climbed up the tree, gave the chocolate to Ned as a distraction, harnessed him up, and lowered him down from the treetop.

Ned had just landed on the ground when Nick ran over and kicked him in the shins for insulting Lynette. Gabby, was beside herself with joy that there was at least one injury to treat. She took Ned to the sick bay and bandaged his head.

Wednesday, 25 July

Received Gabby's latest first aid article for
The Bake Tribulation
, ‘To bandage or not to bandage'. It's quite surprising how often a bandage should be used. There are the obvious cases, like for a sprained ankle, a badly grazed knee or a gash to the forehead. But I think our readers will be surprised to know how important it is to bandage in cases of toothache, constipation, hiccups, broken fingernails and warts. I think they will also be surprised to know where some of the bandages should go.

Mat has been quite stressed about packing for camp. We are only allowed a small overnight
bag and a backpack. We already have a list of what to bring in our overnight bags, so our pack is the only space we have for personal items.

I still have loads of room after putting in a drink bottle, tissues, sticking plaster, a block of chocolate, waterproof matches, a little torch, my diary and a pen. Mat asked if she could use some of my space, but I said no. The whole idea is that we take responsibility for our own things on camp. Besides, what could Mat possibly need that would fill her backpack
and
mine? It's just for one night.

Mr Cluff is still wearing his Tam o' Shanter, trotting around the playground like a happy pony. He keeps talking about
Katherine this
and
Katherine that
, but never
Katherine is coming home
. Has
M
ISSION
M
C
K
ENZIE
done nothing more than turn Mr Cluff into a mush-brained doofus??

Thursday, 26 July

The Colonel gave us another mind-sharpening survival challenge today. He gathered us all into his room, threw his arms into the air and shouted, ‘Earthquake!'

Cassie screamed and threw herself under a desk.

The Colonel leaned forward and said, ‘You are hiking through the mountains in Mongolia. Your pack yak starts to bellow and stomp around. Suddenly the ground begins to shake. You are caught in the middle of a violent earthquake. The rock beneath you splits and you find your feet planted on either side of a widening chasm. The chasm is so deep that you cannot see the bottom. Your forehead breaks out in terrified beads of sweat. Your legs cannot stretch much further. Could this be the end? You feel in your pocket and all you have is an apple, a pair of tweezers and some superglue. What will you do?'

Mat rolled her eyes and said, ‘Well,
obviously
, there's not much I
could
do. I can't use the tweezers to pluck my eyebrows if I don't have a mirror. Duh!'

Banjo shook his head in despair and said, ‘Mongolia is
another
word that's really hard to rhyme with. Like orange and rhinoceros.'

Gabby said, ‘Why aren't I carrying bandages? There should always be bandages in my pockets!'

Jack jumped up yelling, ‘I know! I'd use the superglue to stick the crack back together again. Then I couldn't fall down it and I'd live happily ever after, eating my apple.'

The Colonel explained that, while it
was
superglue, it wasn't
superhero
glue.

Grace said, ‘I really don't think I'd have taken a yak with me. I would have taken a pony. Maybe even two or three ponies. They're much prettier than yaks.'

So much for getting us to use our brains in an emergency!

The Colonel wriggled his hairy eyebrows and said, ‘I'd use the apple to coax the yak to come to me. While he was munching, I would grab the yak's horn with my other hand that I had smothered in superglue, so that it would stick and keep me firmly attached to him. Then I'd use the tweezers in my free hand to pluck some hair from the yak's bottom, giving him a fright so that he'd bolt away from the chasm, dragging me to safety.'

Everyone burst out laughing just thinking of the Colonel being dragged up and down the mountains stuck to the horn of a galloping yak. Still, it was a pretty cool idea.

Wes and Fez wanted to see how fast an alpaca could run this afternoon. Fez said, ‘Ready … set …' and Wes plucked some hair from Macka's bum with tweezers.

Macka didn't run at all. He squealed, bit Wes on the shoulder and spat in Fez's face. Wes rolled around on the grass moaning. Macka trotted around gurgling merrily.

Friday, 27 July

Haven't got much for the next
Bake Tribulation
yet. Everyone is too excited about camp to think of anything else. Mat, Ben and I are hoping that Gumbledong Ridge will give plenty of ideas for articles and poems. I'll write a special camp feature for the front page when we get back.

Ben has been working hard on the next episode of ‘Heart's Triumph' but he got a bit carried away with the blood and guts thing. During English he showed me what he'd written. Edmund had suffered so much at the hands of wild animals, vampires, flesh-eating aliens and werewolves that he had lost three arms, seven legs and fourteen toes. When I pointed this out to Ben, he got upset. He said I am the fussiest editor he's ever worked for and he doesn't want to write the romance any more.

What am I going to do now? I can't write ‘Heart's Triumph' myself! That would be
too
stressful!

Saturday, 28 July

Mum had Sophie's old boarding school uniforms out today. Don't know why. Sophie is far too tall for them. Hope it's nothing to do with that big fat wool cheque that came during the week.

Hopefully Mum is going to give the uniforms away because she realises that I will NEVER need them. It's stupid to send me away to boarding school when I'm obviously doing just fine with online learning.

Wes, Fez and Smart Rat spent all day designing new tails for Gunther. Poor Gunther has been very quiet since the Great Chicken Coop Explosion on the Queen's Birthday. At first we thought it was just because he was sore where his tail had blown off, but that's healed now.

Gunther still fusses over his bunnies like a mother hen, and plays with them in the long grass. But he's no longer feral. He seems to have lost all his anger, and hasn't even
looked
like savaging Wes and Fez for weeks. It's devastating to see.