Red Clocks (29 page)

Who is this water—girl—Ida—knife—

“‘… foams up red.’”

She sleeps.

Early to the pub, she stands at the wall reading names of sunk ships.
Antelope. Fearless. Phoebe Fay.

Please let her stop being a coward.

Pilots Bride. Gem. Perpetua.

Please let her children not be scarred.

Onward. Czarina. Chinook.

Didier arrives from school, believing their purpose is beer and fried-fish sandwiches. The wife suggests they wait for the after-work crowd to thin.
In the little park behind the church, they walk between flower beds thrusting with young stems. Early buds in a warm February. The soil is black and soft from yesterday’s rain.

She is a selfish coward.

“Up for darts tonight?” says Didier. “You had an off night last time, true, but—”

“We need to talk about something.” She stops walking.
Say it, Susan.

“Do you have cash for Costello?”

“I think—”
Say it.

“Because I have none. We can stop on the way home.”

“I think we should take a break.”

“Huh?”

“From each other.”

He narrows his eyes.

“Like a separation,” she adds.

“Why?”

“Because it’s not”—no breath in her lungs—“good anymore.”

Too frightened to look at his face, she concentrates on the blue leather toes of her clogs.

“Susan, I’m looking for the joke with a microscope.”

She
shakes her head.

“We have stuff that could improve, okay, but everyone does. We can work on it.”

“You didn’t
want
to work on it,” she says.

“You mean the therapy? But that’s—”

“It’s better this way, anyway.”

“Why?” he says softly.

“I’m sorry,” says the wife.

Didier’s face has gone rubbery. Eyes tight in their shadowed sockets. She sees how he will look as an old man.

He takes out his cigarettes.

“If you keep squinting like that,” says the wife, “your eyes might get stuck.”

“And if you keep eating like that, your ass might get stuck. In every door.”

“I’m going to my parents’ tomorrow,” she says. “You can stay in the house, for now.”

“Oh really? I can stay? In that broke-down bourgeois firetrap?”

But he will. That’s the thing. He will judge and dismiss, he will scorn and rage; yet out
of sheer laziness, he will stay.

Sucking on his cigarette: “We don’t have to decide now.”

“Didier.”

“Let’s talk about it tomorrow, yeah?” On the last word his voice quavers.

“Nothing will be different tomorrow.”

She has no plan.

For telling the kids, for making a custody schedule, for finding a job.

Her mother said on the phone this morning, “You’ve at least opened your own bank account,
I hope?” and the wife had to lie.

The only idea in her sore, stalled brain has been:
Tell him.

He stamps out the cigarette on the gravel path. “You know what I won’t miss?”

Me.

“Your shitty cooking.”

“And I won’t miss having three children,” says the wife.

“Fuck you, Susan.”

The wife kneels on the path.

Rent a car. Open a bank account. Bring yourself to care.

She reaches for the black
earth.

Her body yearns, inexplicably, to taste it.

Brings a handful to her lips. The minerals sizzle on her tongue, rich with the gists of flower and bone.

“Hell are you doing?” says Didier.

Bright minerals. Powdered feathers. Ancient shells.

“Jesus,
stop
that!”

She keeps tasting. The soil is bark and needle and flecks of brain, little animal burnt and dead.

Goodbye, shipwrecks.

Goodbye,
house.

Goodbye, wife.

Knocks cup and cup tips and coffee runs across table onto floor.

When the youngest sailor died, of starvation and exposure, his shipmates probably ate him. She can only speculate.
I am inserting the speculum into your vagina; you will feel a slight pressure.
After the return to civilization of its six survivors, rumors arose that the Greely expedition had practiced cannibalism.
The coffin of one of its dead, a Frederick Kislingbury, was exhumed. The body had no skin on it; the arms and legs were attached by ligaments alone. Greely claimed they had carved up Kislingbury for bait in shrimp and fish traps, not for themselves.

She paper-towels her brown spill.

Susan once told her she shouldn’t be so quick to claim that Mínervudottír’s life was more meaningful for having
left the Faroe Islands. “That’s the predictable narrative,” said Susan. “But couldn’t she have had an equally meaningful life if she’d stayed?”

“Depends what you mean by ‘meaningful,’” said the biographer. “I don’t see how gutting fish and washing six kids’ underwear by hand is equal to doing research in the Arctic Circle.”

“Why not?”

“One is repetitive and mindless, and the other is thrilling,
courageous, and beneficial to the lives of many people.”

“If she’d raised six kids,” said Susan, “she would’ve been beneficial to
their
lives.”

Mínervudottír had no wool-capped, lamb-fed children to grow.

And Susan has no book. No law career. No job, in fact, at all.

The biographer, strictly speaking, has no book either. Her kitchen table is loaded with overdue library loans about whale hunts
and ice—she has read the translation of Mínervudottír’s journals a dozen times—yet her manuscript has more holes than words. She wants to tell the story of a woman the world should have known about long before this; so why can’t she get done telling it?

The biographer eats the dry rim off a blueberry muffin she found at the back of the teachers’ lounge fridge. Forces herself to say: “We haven’t
talked about your good news.”

Penny beams. “Ms. Tristan Auerbach wants the privilege of selling
Rapture on Black Sand
to the highest bidder.”

She could be a published author before her seventieth birthday. And if this manuscript sells, the other eight she’s written could follow.

“I’m happy for you.”

“Listen, honey, you should send Tristan
your
book. I’ll recommend you personally.”

She should
have congratulated Penny sooner—it’s been weeks. Mired in her own sludge, she’s been avoiding the lounge, begging off Masterpiece mystery nights. Had the biographer found an agent for
Mínervudottír: A Life,
Penny would have baked her a cake the same day.

“I’m not sure a romance agent would be interested in a book with no romance.”

“The romance of crushed ships!” says Penny. “The romance of gangrene.”

Penny loved her now-dead husband. Loves her little house. Loves writing her entertainments. Didn’t have kids because she never felt like it. When the biographer compares such fulfillment with her own sticky craving, it is tempting to despair.

“I apologize, Pen.”

“What for?”

“Being a bad friend.”

Penny nods. “You’ve had better years.”

“I’m really sorry.”

She starts buttoning her turquoise
cardigan. “I forgive you. But you better not miss my book party.”

“Won’t, swear.”

“And I think you should apply for Fivey’s job.”

“Hardy har.”

“I do not happen to be joking. You’re a good candidate.”

The biographer laughs anyway, spewing blue bits of muffin across the lounge.

Climbs to the top of the east stairwell. Sits down against a wall.

The excitement she once felt about a nineteen-year-old
biology major’s sperm, her willingness to drink a foul but magical tea, her wild hope on that run to Mattie’s house—

Gone.

She picks at the laces of her sneakers.

All the doors have closed.

The ones, at least, she tried to open.

How much of her ferocious longing is cellular instinct, and how much is socially installed? Whose urges is she listening to?

Her life, like anyone’s, could go a
way she never wanted, never planned, and turn out marvelous.

Fingering her shoelaces, she hears the first bell.

Thinks of her brother getting accepted into his first-choice college and gloating, “I’m set.”

WE NEED COP WATCHERS
! said the flyer at the Polyphonte Collective.

The second bell.

By walking, she tells her students, is how you make the road.

The morning after Portland, Mattie pointed
to the photo on her dresser. “He’s cute. Who is he?”

“My favorite and only brother,” she said.

He wore that skull T‑shirt for years, she told Mattie. It was the shirt of a band he loved; she forgets which one. The biographer never had a head for band names or song titles or the music itself, which worried her when she was younger—was she missing something crucial?

She did not tell Mattie that
even though Archie graduated with honors from his first-choice college, he was not set.

She did not tell Mattie about finding him, eight years ago, in the kitchen of his apartment. He wore black jeans and no shirt. Lips blue, cheeks flat and white. On the counter was a half-eaten bowl of cereal, bearful of honey, burnt spoon, lighter, glassine packet. The needle lay on the floor beside him.

“Hey, kiddo,” says her father. “To what do I owe?”

“Spring break is soon,” she says, “and I was thinking of visiting.”

“Visiting whom?”

“
You,
genius.”

“The Duke of Denturetown? The King of Hemorrhoidia?”

“Can’t you just say ‘Daughter, I’d love to see you’?”

“I’d love to see you. But bear in mind that spring break in Orlando is a hellscape.”

“I’ll bear it,” she says.

After her motionless weeks in jail, the walk to town feels awful. Her knees are buckling by the time she reaches the Acme.

She keeps her head down against the lights, the stares. One box of licorice nibs. One bottle of sesame oil. Is she inventing the stares? Maybe her mind is buckling too. She hasn’t been sleeping well; the memory of bleach keeps waking her.

When they released her,
the lawyer was there to take her home. “Hold on to my arm, okay?” he said. “Don’t let go.” They came out of County Corrections into a chattering snarl of cameras and microphones, and all the microphones were being pushed into her face. Some of them hit her face.

“How’s it feel to be free, Ms. Percival?”

“Are you angry at your accusers?”

The lawyer put his mouth on her ear: “Don’t say a word.”

“Do you plan to sue Dolores Fivey?”

Clicks and flashes.

“What’s the next step for you?”

“Any opinion on the local seaweed infestation and the economic losses it’s caused?”

“Have you ever provided an abortion?”

Click flash click flash click flash.

“At your accusers?”

“To be free?”

Click. Flash.

“Hello? Gin?” A bright voice behind her.

The mender stops in the aisle. Canned tomatoes make
loud red suns across her vision.

“It’s me—Mattie.”

She turns and blinks at the girl, who is steering a shopping cart; and her mother, who has long gray hair, big teeth when she smiles. The mender has watched them together on Lupatia Street.

“Mom, this is Gin. Gin, this is my mom.”

“Pleased to meet you,” says the astonished mother. She holds out her hand and the mender shakes it; the skin is
dry. “How do you two …?”

“We met at the library,” says Mattie Matilda.

“Oh.” The mother’s eyes relax a little. Kind brown eyes. She has kept the girl safe and well.

“Hello,” says the mender stiffly.

She glances at the girl’s midsection: flat in a close-fitting sweater. Her hair: less lustrous. Her skin: no darkening patches. How and where did she take care of it? She managed not to get caught.
She went a different path. She won’t be wondering and forgetting, forgetting and wondering again. Or she will wonder—but not the same way the mender did.

“I’m so glad about your verdict,” says Mattie Matilda.

The green of her irises is not the same green as the mender’s.

Mine and not mine.

“What a terrible thing to go through,” says the mother.

The mender nods.

“They fired Principal Fivey,”
says Mattie Matilda.

The mender nods.

“We should be on our way,” says the mother, “but it was nice to meet you, Ms. Percival.” Her cart starts rolling.