Reconstructing Meredith (11 page)

Some of the tension dissipated, her shoulders sinking almost imperceptibly.

Left cheek, right.

She exhaled. Her shoulders dropped a little more.

“Take the robe off,” I said softly. “Set it on the bed.”

She shrugged it off, caught it before it fell all the way to the floor, and put it on the bed as I asked.

“Good girl.” Left cheek, right. “Are you cold?”

“No, Sir.”

I put my hand on the small of her back and, responding to the gentlest pressure from my fingertips, she took a couple of steps forward. Then I turned her so there was room for me to get behind her and swing the flogger without striking the bed or knocking the bedside lamp over.

“Get on your knees.”

She inhaled deeply and squared her shoulders. Then she did as I asked, and once again, she was on her knees at my feet, hands loosely clasped at the small of her back.

“I’m going to hit my hand again,” I said. “You’re going to hear that sound a few times before I hit you. Is that okay?”

“Yes, Sir.”

Holding my breath and watching her, I raised the flogger and brought it down on my palm again. Lightly, so the sound was less pronounced than before. She tensed, cringing like a dog expecting to be struck. I set the flogger on the bed and knelt in front of her.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” Left, cheek right. “Are you afraid of me?”

“No, Sir.”

Left, cheek right. “Do you still want to continue?”

“Yes, Sir.”

Three times, we did this. Flogger on the palm. Kneeling in front of her. Touching her face. Assuring her I wouldn’t hurt her. Asking if she was afraid of me, if she still wanted to continue. Each “Yes, Sir” was less timid than the one before. Three times, and each time, she reacted less to the sound of the flogger and more to the touch of my hand.

The fourth time, I hit my hand once again. She didn’t respond at all. Not a flinch, not a start.

I raised the flogger, sent up a silent prayer that she’d stay with me in the here and now, then laid the tails across her left shoulder with all the force of a jacket falling on to carpet. Her spine straightened and she gasped, but after a few slow, deep breaths, she relaxed.

I brought the flogger down on her right shoulder. Another gasp, then slow, easy breathing.

“Are you okay, Meredith?” I asked.

She nodded.

I cleared my throat.

“Yes, Sir,” she said quickly.

“Good girl.”

I hit her harder now. She recoiled, and the whimper she released could have gone either way: pleasure or panic.

I smacked the tails on to my palm. She flinched again, anticipating the strike, but then relaxed and released a sharp, frustrated breath. The kind of breath that, had we been on level ground, would have preceded a demand to stop fucking teasing her. I grinned. Pleasure, then. And probably more than a little relief, maybe even triumph, because she was unafraid.

I stopped teasing her, and when leather smacked skin, she moaned. It was unmistakably pleasure this time, and I had to will my own breathing to stay even and controlled.

Her head fell forward as I hit her again and again. Her skin turned pink, getting progressively darker the longer I flogged her. The scars stayed pale, silvery strips standing out against her flushed skin, refusing to submit to the percussion of the leather tails.

All I need is a little more time, Rich, and those marks will be all that’s left of you here
.

After several minutes, I stopped. I set the flogger on the bed and went around in front of her again. I knelt and lifted her chin so she looked into my eyes. Hers were red, some fresh tears mingling with the old. One tear slid down her flushed cheek, and I brushed it away.

“Are you all right, Meredith?” Left cheek, right.

For a second, she wavered between smiling and breaking down in tears. Before I could repeat my question, she grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me into a kiss.

When I broke the kiss, our eyes met. Hers suddenly widened as the submissive remembered her place, and she dropped her gaze.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, smoothing my shirt, trying to manually erase the evidence of her misstep. “I shouldn’t have—”

I kissed her, sliding my hand around the back of her neck. “All’s forgiven. You’re still learning.” I teased her nipple with my other thumb, and she moaned against my lips. “Still learning, and evidently still horny.”

“Mm-hmm.”

I closed my fingers around her wrist and laid her hand across my lap. “You’re not the only one.”

Her eyes met mine, then quickly darted away. She pursed her lips, her cheeks turning a shade of pink almost as deep as her back and shoulders.

“What’s wrong?” I raised her chin so she had to either look at me or close her eyes.

She gulped. “May I do something for you, Sir?” Her shy boldness startled me.

I swept the tip of my tongue across my lower lip. “What did you have in mind?”

“I want… may I…” She closed her eyes, letting out a sigh of resignation as boldness receded in favor of shyness.

I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Meredith. Whatever it is, just ask.”

With considerable effort, she looked me in the eye. “May… may I suck your cock, Sir?” As soon as the words were out, she shut her eyes tight, her cheeks darkening with embarrassment.

Only years of perfecting the calm, cool Dom exterior kept me from visibly shivering. Instead, I touched her face—left cheek, right—and leaned in to kiss her. Just before our lips met, I whispered, “Yes, you may.”

Her relieved exhalation cooled my cheek. Of course there were few horny men in their right mind who would turn down such a request, especially from a woman who was already on her knees and naked. But then, someone as beaten down as the woman kneeling before me would cringe asking a man if he wanted a suitcase full of money, certain she’d be punished for speaking, for breathing, for some undefined offense.

I broke the kiss and stood. She’d been on her knees for quite some time, so I took her by the hand and brought her to her feet. At my command, she got into bed while I stripped out of my clothes. Then I joined her.

Arms around her, I rolled on to my back, pulling her on top of me. We kissed deeply, desperately, hot skin against hot skin while I ran my fingers through her hair. When the heat of her body against my erection became more than I could take for even another damned second, I guided her hand between us.

She didn’t hesitate at all. She wrapped her fingers around my cock and stroked slowly, gently, drawing a sharp hiss of breath from my lips.

Somehow, I found the ability to form a coherent thought
and
speak it without too much difficulty. “Do you want me to hold on to the headboard again?”

Meredith glanced up at it, then looked at me and shook her head. “No. Not this time.” She trailed kisses down my chest and stomach. My abs contracted with every light touch of her lips, not sure if she was teasing me or trying to work up the nerve to see this through. Closing my eyes, I held my breath as every single kiss ratcheted up my anticipation.

That breath left my lungs in a single whoosh as the tip of her tongue drew a meandering path up the underside of my cock. Before my tingling nerves could even recover from that, her lips were around my cock, and so was her hand, and her other hand, and everything else in the world could have disappeared for all I fucking cared.

I put my hand over my eyes, reacting as if the light had become too bright. Not that I’d have noticed with my eyes so tightly shut, but I covered them anyway, forbidding even a glimmer of light from distracting me. Nothing would pull my attention away from what she did to me, and oh God, oh God, she did it so well. On and on, more and more, making me dizzier, sending me higher. With a flutter of her tongue, she sent a violent tremor up my spine. With a cool breath on moist skin, she rendered my lungs useless. And with one more stroke, one more flutter
right there
, she drove me out of my fucking mind.

My back arched and the only thing keeping me anchored was my tight grip on the headboard slats—when did I put my hands up here?—as she kept stroking, kept sucking.

“Oh God, Meredith,” I heard myself groan. “Oh my
God
…”

A heartbeat later, I came so hard I saw stars. Before I’d even returned to earth, Meredith’s mouth, salty with semen, was against mine. I released the headboard and tangled my fingers in her hair, kissing her breathlessly.

She pushed herself up and looked at me. “Thank you, Sir.”

I smiled, touching her face—left cheek, right—as I said, “No, thank
you
. Your mouth is incredible.” I kissed her lightly. “You’ve done well. I’m not Sir anymore tonight.”

She let out a breath, then reached for one of the water bottles on the bedside table. “Now I see why you thought to bring these in here. Want one?”

“No, I’m okay.”

She shifted on to her side next to me and unscrewed the cap. She downed almost half the bottle before capping it again and setting it back on the table. “I didn’t even think I did that much,” she said. “But I’m fucking exhausted.”

I smiled, trailing my hands up and down her upper arms. “You did more than you think. Just being flogged is enough to dehydrate someone. And speaking of which…” I sat up and gestured at the bed. “Lie on your stomach. I want to put some lotion on your back.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Where I flogged you.” I leaned over the edge of the bed to get the bottle of lotion out of my backpack. “It’ll keep your skin from getting irritated.”

“I’m not going to argue if you’re going to rub my back,” she said, laughing softly.

“I didn’t figure you would.”

She turned on to her stomach and I pulled the blanket up to her waist. Then I poured some of the lotion into my hand, and for a long time, I just rubbed her back, smoothing lotion on to her pink skin. This step wasn’t
as
critical after such a mild flogging, but I always included it as part of the routine afterward to help a sub wind down.

While I rubbed her back, my mind wandered back to her earlier panic. What other demons lurked beneath her skin, deep in her scarred psyche, waiting for us to exorcise? This wouldn’t be the last speed bump. My biggest fear was it also wouldn’t be the worst.

“Mmm, that feels good,” she murmured.

“Still have a layer of slime all over your skin?”

She laughed. “No, just whatever that crap is you’re putting on my back.”

“It’s called lotion, darling, remember?”

“Well, whatever it is, I like it.”

“Good.” I kept rubbing her skin, smoothing the lotion on to the faint welts I’d raised. After a while, I capped the lotion and set it next to her water bottle. I joined her in bed and pulled the blanket up over both of us.

“I could totally fall asleep like this,” she murmured, struggling to keep her eyes open.

“Then go to sleep.” I draped my arm over her waist and kissed the side of her neck. “I’m not going anywhere.”

In minutes, she drifted off to sleep in my arms, and I wasn’t far behind her.

Meredith was unusually quiet in the waiting room. Not that we usually spoke much out here, in this limboland between the rest of the world and the place where she stared down her demons. Still, she barely looked at me when I arrived today. She offered me a quick glance and a hesitant smile, but by the time I’d taken my seat beside her, she’d fixed her gaze on the fish tank.

I put my hand on her knee, squeezing gently. She looked at me,
almost
smiling, then turned back to the fish tank. She laid her hand over mine, though, so at least that was something.

We both watched the fish. A black and yellow one wove a meandering path back and forth around the tank, looping between fake coral and strands of seaweed. I followed it with my eyes, if only to avoid watching Meredith avoid looking at me.

I thought about striking up a conversation about the fish. Hell if I knew what any of them were called. My knowledge of marine biology didn’t extend beyond whatever I’d picked up watching
Finding Nemo
, and I’d been drunk both times. They were something to look at, though.

After a few silent minutes, about the time the fish were starting to make me seasick, Leslie appeared and called us back. We followed her into her office, where Meredith and I settled on to the couch that was becoming all too familiar. Leslie took her usual seat, and as the appointment began, I tried to tell myself the lingering queasiness was from watching the fish. It had nothing to do with Meredith’s silence or what this visit might be about. Nothing at all to do with dreading what dark, haunted corridors we’d be going down today.

“Now, last time we spoke alone,” Leslie said, “Meredith brought up a few things that she was interested in addressing and, if and when you’re comfortable, exploring ways of overcoming.”

And we’re off
.

I glanced at Meredith, then at Leslie, eyebrows raised. “Okay…”

Leslie gestured at her. “Go ahead, Meredith.”

Meredith took a breath. Setting her shoulders back, probably steeling herself, she turned to me. “Besides flogging, there were a few things Rich did that I’d never done before with anyone else. And I know they can be enjoyable with someone who’s not a complete dick.”

I gulped. “Such as?”

“Anal, for one thing.” Her gaze dropped and her cheeks colored.

I grimaced, but not because of what she’d said. Rather, her sudden shyness. Another reminder that this once bold, adventurous woman was now embarrassed of her sexual desires. Just one more reason to choke Rich if I ever had the chance.

She took a breath, composed herself, and went on. “The thing is, when Rich did it, it was always a punishment. It was always violent, and even if he used enough lube, it always hurt.”

Leslie folded her hands on top of the folder in her lap. “Meredith and I discussed last time that anal sex is something that can be very enjoyable, and shouldn’t be painful as long as generous amounts of lubrication and patience are applied.”

“Right, of course,” I said. “I’ve been with quite a few women who enjoy it with no pain.”

“Which is how I want to experience it,” Meredith said, almost whispering. “The thing is, sometimes it hurt… less.” She closed her eyes. “There was one night when I just didn’t have it in me to fight anymore. I guess I was just so tired and broken down, I completely relaxed. And the guy Rich had turned loose on me that night… I don’t know, I guess between me relaxing and him starting out slow, it didn’t hurt as badly.” She ran a hand through her hair and sighed. “It made me wonder if, had I known him or trusted him, and had I consented to this whole thing, maybe I could have enjoyed it. The same thing happened with a few of the Doms after that. When I was too exhausted to be tense, it wasn’t pleasant, but it didn’t hurt as much.”

I took a deep breath.
Just seasick. That’s all it is
. I wondered if those Doms ever knew they were playing a part in raping and nearly destroying this woman. Unless they were slimebags like him, he probably set up the scene as a sub who enjoyed rape fantasies, one who would take anything they dished out as long as she didn’t use her safe word. What they didn’t know was that she didn’t know the safe word, and there was no escape for her. What was painted for them as a fantasy was a nightmare from which she wasn’t permitted to wake up.

I shuddered. This was exactly why I didn’t play with subs unless I knew their Doms well enough to be certain I took no part in such a crime.

“Scott?” Leslie’s voice startled me.

“Sorry,” I said. “Just trying to process all of this.”

“Understandable,” she said. “I can’t imagine this is easy for you to hear.”

“No, it’s not.” I looked at Meredith. “So, do want to try anal, then?”

“I’m not sure yet.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’ve been thinking about it, I’m just not sure yet.”

I put my hand over hers. “If you want to, all you have to do is ask.”

She offered a weak smile and put her other hand on top of mine.

“Meredith, there was something else you wanted to ask him about, am I correct?” Leslie said.

Meredith’s smile disappeared and she looked at our hands. “Yeah. I…” Her brow furrowed. I said nothing, waiting for her to find the words. Finally, she took a deep breath. “Like I’ve mentioned before, Rich liked to bring in… others.”

I gritted my teeth. That queasy feeling had nothing to do with the damned fish.

“Sometimes I knew them, or I’d been with them before,” she said. “But usually, they were total strangers to me. I assume he knew them, but I have no idea.” She looked at me, her expression pulling into a preemptive grimace as she whispered, “I’d wanted to try a threesome for a long time. Just… not like that.”

Oh, shit
… I chewed the inside of my cheek as my eyes flicked back and forth between Meredith and Leslie.

Meredith watched me for a moment, then went on. “The first night you flogged me, I panicked because something reminded me of Rich. Once I figured out what it was, I asked you to do it again so I could break that association. And it worked.”

“Yeah, it did.” Tentativeness worked its way into my voice, but it couldn’t be helped. I had an inkling of where this was going, and my heart pounded harder as that inkling inched toward certainty.

“I want to do the same thing with this,” she said. “The threesome. With a stranger.”

Fuck. Sometimes I hate being right
. “You do?”

She nodded slowly, dropping her gaze as her cheeks colored. “It was probably one of the most frightening and degrading things he did to me. He’d bring men in I didn’t know and let them do whatever they wanted, even if it hurt me. I had to do whatever they told me and take whatever they dished out, or he’d punish me. And there was nothing I could do about any of it.”

I flinched. “But you, you want to do it again?”

“On my terms.” She took another deep breath. “With you and someone you know and trust. In a scenario where I can do something about it if I need to.”

I looked at the floor for a moment, then at her. “You really want me to bring in someone you’ve never met, and have a threesome with you and him?”

“Actually, I want you to watch me with him.”

I shot Leslie an incredulous look, then sent the same look Meredith’s way. “You’re serious.” I blinked. “You want me to watch you have sex with a stranger?”

“A stranger
to me
,” she said. “He would be someone you know and trust.”

I said nothing.

“Meredith, why don’t we discuss how these scenarios played out with your ex-husband?” Leslie said.

I held my breath.

“It always started the same,” Meredith whispered. “He’d sit off to the side and tell me to undress. Then he’d have me kneel in front of the door, and he’d call the Dom in. When the Dom came in, Rich would say, ‘she’s all yours.’ And then he’d watch.”

I shuddered. It wasn’t unusual for me or Matt to trade off sitting to the side and watching the other with Kristen. It was hot, it was arousing beyond belief, and like a twisted version of King Midas, Rich had made it sleazy and creepy just like anything else he fucking touched.

“Did he only watch?” Leslie asked. I had no doubt she already knew the answers, and was simply guiding Meredith into repeating them for my benefit.

“No,” Meredith whispered. “Sometimes he joined in. Usually he waited until the other Dom was finished, then he’d take over.”

“And from our previous discussions,” Leslie said, “how would you like Scott to proceed with such an arrangement?”

My mouth went dry.

Drier still when Meredith turned to me.“I want to play it out the same way.”

I tried to moisten my lips, but it didn’t do any good. “So, if I’m understanding this correctly, you want me to have you strip, kneel in front of the door and wait for me to call in a Dom you’ve never met. Then, once he’s in the room, I’m supposed to hand you off to him, watch you, and join in if I feel like it?”

She nodded.

I was suddenly half-tempted to ask Leslie to turn down the air conditioning in the room. As the silence went on, the background devoid of the white noise of air coming through a vent, I realized the air conditioning wasn’t on at all. Evidently the chill I couldn’t escape came from under my clothes.

By hitting the palm of my hand with a flogger while she’d knelt in front of me, I’d triggered a flashback that sent Meredith into what I could only describe as a panic attack. We’d overcome that, and it didn’t cause such a violent reaction anymore. But what about a scenario like this? Even if she knew this was something she directly associated with Rich, God only knew what would happen when the stimulus was applied and the synapses fired. A position and a sound could give her flashbacks. Handing her off to a total stranger while going through the same motions that had preceded countless horrific experiences? She wasn’t asking me to let her smell some too-familiar coffee. She was asking me to throw the cup in her face and hope to God it didn’t burn her.

“Scott?” Leslie said.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead. After a moment, I looked up. “Listen, I don’t want to make this about me, but I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with this.”

Meredith bit her lip.

Guilt tugged at my gut, but this was necessary. Whether I ultimately agreed to this or not, Leslie and Meredith both needed to be aware of my reservations. “I’ve done this kind of thing before, don’t get me wrong. Rape fantasies, threesomes with a Dom the sub doesn’t know, things like that.” I paused, glancing back and forth between them. “But never after the kind of trauma you’ve been through.”

“Though, bear in mind, Scott,” Leslie said, “Meredith has had time to process her trauma and deal with it to a considerable extent. She and I have discussed this scenario, and I do believe she’s reached a point where the risk-benefit ratio is in her favor.”

“Still,” I said. “You’re asking me to put her in the hands of someone she’s never met. Not that I’m opposed to it on principle, but how do I know this won’t trigger another flashback?” I looked at Meredith and slipped my hand into hers. “I want to help you, babe, but I don’t want to make things worse.”

She dropped her gaze. The knot of guilt twisted and turned in my gut. It was a herculean effort for her to even express her desires, and it killed me to dig my heels in, but what could I do?

“Is there any kind of compromise that would make this more comfortable for you?” Leslie asked.

“What if it was with someone she knew first?” I said. “I can introduce her to someone, make sure they’re both comfortable with each other, and go from there. Even if they just meet a time or two, enough to be on a first name basis.” I exhaled. “If that goes well, and Meredith still wants it, I can bring someone else in.” After a second, I added, “A…stranger.”

“I can handle that,” Meredith said.

“Scott, do you know any Doms you’d trust for the stranger scenario?” Leslie asked. Our eyes met briefly, and I had no doubt she knew the answer.

“I do, yes.” If I could convince him—and myself—to go through with this, I knew just who to ask. But I’d deal with that another day.

After the appointment was over, Meredith and I walked down to the parking garage. Neither of us spoke, but it wasn’t the uncertain, fish-watching silence that had hung over us in the waiting room. Now it was loaded, filled with inevitable questions and answers. When we reached her car, we stopped.

It was Meredith who finally broke the silence. “You really don’t want to do this, do you?”

“It’s not that. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you through this, but I’m…” I shook my head, unsure how to explain it.

“If you don’t want to do something, just say so.” She slid her arm around my waist. “Being able to put a stop to this goes both ways, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m going to hear and probably do a lot of things that make me uncomfortable before this is over, and I’ve accepted that from the beginning. It’s just…” I dropped my gaze, unsure if I could articulate my concerns.

“Tell me, Scott.”

I chewed the inside of my cheek, searching for the words. “Look, sometimes, even with a sub who hasn’t been through what you have, there are setbacks. When you push boundaries, sometimes they push back. And with you, we’ve already hit one big speedbump, and we’ll probably hit a few more.”