Reconciled for Easter (14 page)

It was a long declaration and a naked one. She knew how vulnerable he would feel, even if she hadn’t seen the obvious discomfort in his expression. Despite her fear and confusion, she didn’t want to hurt him.

So she took a minute to control her initial reaction—which was to scream at him and burst into tears. Then, “I know how you’ve changed, Thomas. It’s…you’ve been amazing. You
are
amazing. But that doesn’t mean—”

“I love you, Abigail,” Thomas said hoarsely. “And I think you still love me too.”

She was slammed with waves of confusion, guilt, and fear, and she had to get up off the bed to get her bearings. “But that doesn’t change everything that’s happened between us or the problems we still need to work through.”

Thomas stood up too, so he was facing her. And his expression now was set, almost stubborn. “I know what happened between us as well as you do. But we both believe that God can change people and he can heal relationships. The past can be overcome, and I’m not the only one who needed this time we took to figure things out.”

“I know that. That’s the point. I made so many mistakes too. I was always insecure and never felt good enough. We were a mess together, and now we need to be so careful. Jumping into this too quickly might end up hurting us both—and hurting Mia.”

Thomas reached out for her again, taking hold of her left shoulder. “Abigail, I love y—”

“Please,” she interrupted, too loudly. “Please don’t push. I’m not saying no. I promise I’m not. I’m just saying I don’t know yet. We can’t rush this.”

She felt that deep, familiar exhaustion at the idea of plunging headlong into all the old pain of their marriage.

“I know. But we’ve had a break, and now it feels like something has changed between us. I don’t know why we can’t deal with it now.” His eyes were urgent, searching, absolutely terrifying. “You don’t have to decide anything until you’re ready. But I’m not going to stop loving you, and I’m not going to go away.”

She was shaking with emotion, trying to figure out what was happening, what she wanted to happen, when she glanced at the clock and saw it was after seven-thirty. “Oh no,” she muttered, feeling another wave of panic, this one less overwhelming. “Mia.”

Without another word to Thomas, she hurried out of the bedroom, still wearing her gown and messy hair. Mia was nearly always awake by this time, and they’d been talking far too loudly, even with the door closed.

Abigail’s fears were confirmed when she heard a familiar sound from Mia’s room. With a gurgle in her throat, Abigail ran the rest of the way down the hall, nearly leveled with guilt at the sound of her daughter crying.

“Mia,” she said, hurrying in to find Mia huddled on her bed, her little body shaking as she sobbed. “It’s all right. Sweetie, you don’t have to cry.”

Mia lifted her head. Her hair was a tangled mess and her glasses were laying on the mattress beside her. She reached her arms up to Abigail. “Mommy.”

Abigail had to stifle a sob herself as she gathered the girl into a tight, one-armed hug. “Sweetie, I’m sorry you’re so upset. Everything’s all right.”

“But you and Daddy are having a bad fight,” Mia choked. “I heard you.”

Rocking her daughter against her, Abigail said, “We were having a serious discussion and disagreeing about some things, but it’s nothing for you to worry about.”

Mia clung to Abigail desperately and said, her voice muffled by Abigail’s nightgown, “I thought you didn’t fight with Daddy anymore.”

Abigail’s chest hurt so much she could barely stand it. And she hated herself for letting the girl overhear the conversation with Thomas, for not having the sense to stop it before it became so intense.

Taking a few deep breaths, Abigail made herself calm down and think of the best way to handle this. “Me and Daddy used to fight a lot, didn’t we?”

This question must have surprised Mia. Her shuddering diminished slightly and she raised her head to peer up into Abigail’s face. She nodded soberly.

“We get along better now. But occasionally even grown-ups disagree about things. We’re not really mad at each other this time, though.”

Mia sniffed. “Really? Daddy’s not going to go away?”

Abigail managed to overcome a flare of anxiety to say gently, “He’s going to go back to his own house pretty soon, but he’s going to be around just like he was before.”

“Oh.” Mia’s angst seemed to have eased some at her mother’s presence and reassurance, and she wiped her eyes on her forearms and reached to put her glasses back on. “I was hoping he might live with us for good.”

“Mia,” Abigail murmured, “We talked about this. Remember? Daddy was only staying with us until I was better.”

“But you’re better now, and he hasn’t gone home.”

Abigail would never forgive herself if she’d upended her daughter’s whole world by making the wrong decision about letting Thomas stay with them these last weeks. She cuddled the girl closer and frantically searched for an appropriate response.

“I wanted to make sure Mommy was completely better,” Thomas said from the doorway. He looked composed and natural, although Abigail could see a few hints of strain on his face. He’d pulled on his shirt and trousers before leaving her bedroom.

She felt a ridiculous flood of relief at his presence and his words.

As he entered Mia’s room, Thomas continued, “And I was having such a good time with you that I wanted to stay as long as I could. But I don’t live here with you and Mommy.”

When Mia reached out for Thomas, obviously wanting to give him a hug, Abigail scooted over on the bed to make room for him. Mia crawled over Abigail to settle between her parents as Thomas propped himself up on the bed. “I wish you did live here with me and Mommy.”

Thomas stroked the messy blonde hair as Mia leaned against him with such trust and affection Abigail’s throat nearly closed up. “I know you do, sweetheart. But we have a good time anyway, don’t we?”

“Yeah.” Mia sounded resigned rather than content, but it was better than her being upset. Then she straightened up and blinked at Thomas. “Even though you had a bad fight with Mommy, you’re not going away for good, are you?”

Thomas made a soft, choked sound in his throat. And his features twisted briefly. But his voice was warm and certain as he said, “Of course not, Mia. No matter what else happens, I’m always going to be here for you.”

Mia burrowed into a hug, and Thomas wrapped both of his arms around her.

Abigail fought a new onslaught of tears, but these were from relief as much as emotion.

Thomas appeared to have reverted to his old self—the solid, quiet, considerate presence he’d been before this morning.

Maybe he would step back, wait until their six-month break was over and give her time to ease into this slowly and not rock the boat when things were going so well.

As if he’d read her mind, Thomas met her eyes and silently mouthed over Mia’s blonde head, “I’m not going to let it go.”

“But I want to see the baby polar bears,” Mia said a couple of weeks later, her face crumpling in disappointment as she stared at the polar bear exhibit. They were at the small zoo in Dalton, the nearest medium-sized city to Willow Park.

“I know,” Abigail said in her most soothing voice. “But I guess they’re not out today.”

“But you said I could see the babies.”

“I thought they would be. They were supposed to be out. Maybe the little cubs aren’t feeling well, so they’re staying inside until they're better.” Abigail felt a familiar strain in her chest, as she sought to comfort her daughter, all the while knowing a breakdown was imminent.

Mia stared with intent focus at the large polar bear habitat, complete with pond, waterfall, cave, and boulders. Her eyes crawled over every visible inch, as if she were verifying the cubs weren’t hiding from her.

She sniffed a few times as her search came up empty. “Why aren’t the babies here?”

Abigail put a hand on her daughter’s shoulder, wishing she hadn’t made such a big deal about seeing the polar bear cubs. Normally, Mia would have loved the zoo on its own merits. But she’d gotten Mia’s hopes up, and now none of the usual animals would be of any interest at all. “I don’t know. Daddy went to ask about it. Maybe he’ll be able to find out when we can come back to see the baby polar bears.”

Mia turned big blue eyes up to Abigail, momentarily distracted from her woes. “Do you think Daddy can make them let us see the babies?”

Fighting a cringe, Abigail smiled. “Daddy just went to ask when we can come back to see them. If the cubs are sick, then we’ll have to wait.”

She had no doubt that Thomas had gone to bulldoze whomever he could in order to let Mia visit the polar bears. As soon as the girl’s mouth had drooped, Thomas had turned to walk off, murmuring something about “finding out what was going on.” But Abigail didn’t want to get Mia’s hopes up. And she also didn’t want their daughter to get in the habit of relying on Thomas to bulldoze over any obstacle to get her what she wanted.

“The daddy-bear is here,” Abigail said in a bright voice, pointing toward a furry rear end evident inside the cave. “There’s his bottom. Do you see it?”

For a minute, Mia stood on tiptoe and peered in the direction Abigail had indicated, looking briefly intrigued. Then she slumped. “But not the babies.”

Abigail felt terrible. Mia had been excited all week about the trip to the zoo to see the polar bear cubs. Thomas had moved back to his own house two weeks earlier, and this was his weekend with Mia. But Abigail had been invited to join them on their trip to the zoo, and she knew the fact that both of her parents were present had increased Mia’s enthusiasm for the expedition.

But then the cubs were inexplicably absent.

Mia leaned against Abigail’s hip, just on the edge of tears, and Abigail was greatly relieved to see Thomas approaching through the milling zoo crowds.

“There’s Daddy.”

Mia perked up. As soon as Thomas was within earshot, she began, “Did you find out, Daddy? Are they sick? Can we see the babies?”

Abigail recognized the slight tension on Thomas’s face—the tightening of his eyes and lips—that proved his mission had been unsuccessful. But he smiled down at Mia. “The cubs haven’t been feeling well, so they’re keeping them safe inside.”

Mia frowned. “Why can’t we go inside to see them?”

“We’re not allowed to.” Nothing in Thomas’s voice showed him to be as annoyed as Abigail suspected he was. “The zoo workers are being very careful with them, so the cubs don’t feel even worse. But I’ll call to check on them every day, and then we can come right over and see them.”

When Abigail saw signs of defiance on Mia’s face, she intervened, “You don’t want to make the babies even sicker by coming out, do you, Mia?”

Mia’s lip wobbled. “No.”

“Let’s go see the sea lions. They’re always your favorites. You can watch them swim and flop around, and I think we might get there just in time to see them eat their lunch.” Abigail pitched her voice as optimistic, silently praying Mia would give up her disappointment.

She really didn’t want the whole day to be ruined by a temper-fit and then resulting discipline.

Mia hesitated visibly, torn between bemoaning her fate and seeking pleasure in the always appealing sea lions.

To tip the balance, Abigail said, “Remember all the fish they eat?”

Letting out a huge sigh, Mia relaxed her shoulders and nodded resolutely. “Okay.” Then she held out her hand to Thomas. “You should see them, Daddy. They eat a tremendous amount of fish.”

Thomas raised his eyebrows and took her hand as they started off toward the sea lions. “Do they? Sounds like they’re rather voracious.”

“Yes,” Mia affirmed. “Vor-a-cious.”

The breakdown averted, they all traipsed through the crowded paths to the sea lion exhibit. To Abigail’s relief, it was almost time for the scheduled feeding. But unfortunately this meant that swarms of other people had gathered to see it.

Undeterred, Thomas shouldered his way through the onlookers until he’d gotten Mia a place at the railing in front, where she could easily see the proceedings.

Staying back some, Abigail had a private chuckle over the way Thomas had carved out a place for his daughter. He’d always been that way for her too—a kind of understated protectiveness that she’d loved.

Still did.

He stayed with Mia for the next fifteen minutes, as the zoo staff came out with buckets of fish and tossed them out to the sea lions that barked, dove, and swam in exuberant circles.

Abigail watched Thomas and Mia more than she watched the animals. They appeared to be having some sort of profound conversation about the sea lions or the feeding, and Mia had hooked her hand around Thomas’s elbow.

Abigail had no idea what to do about Thomas.

He had been as good as his word. He hadn’t pressured her or made intrusive advances after his admission two weeks ago. But, even though he wasn’t living with them, he seemed to be around all the time. And he would smile at her or touch her in ways that felt very intimate. Sometimes she would catch him gazing at her in a way that made her experience his feelings for her almost viscerally.

She didn't know what to do. She was drawn to him just as deeply as she’d always been—more deeply, if truth be told. And lately it felt like all of their negative history had faded into a vague blur.

But she knew it hadn’t really gone away, and she was terrified of getting back together with him and having it all emerge again.

Things had been so messed up before.
She’d
been so messed up. But having him back in her life like this felt like half of her had finally been returned.

She didn’t know what she was more afraid of—losing Thomas or loving him again.

So, for the moment, she was trying not to brood about it. Thomas wasn’t pushing for a decision, so she could pray about it and wait until the answer was clearer.

When the feeding ended, the crowds dispersed, but Mia still clung to rail, beaming as she peered down at the flopping, swimming, and sun bathing sea lions. Now that there was room, Abigail stepped closer, and Thomas stepped back to join her, leaving Mia in front of them at the railing.

Thomas gave Abigail a smile and a quirk of his eyebrows. “Crisis averted?”

With a huff of laughter, Abigail murmured, “Yeah. So no luck railroading the staff into letting her see the cubs?”

“No. I guess they aren’t eating much, so everyone is worried about them.”

Abigail winced. “Good thing you didn’t tell Mia. I hope they get better.” She let her eyes rest on Mia’s golden, braided head a few feet in front of them. And she kept her voice low as she added, “At least the sea lions distracted her.”

Thomas casually put an arm around her, easing her closer to him. It felt perfectly natural, and Abigail relaxed against his warm body until she realized their position. Stiffening, she said, “Thomas, Mia will see.”

“I don’t see the difficulty.”

“Well, she might think...I mean, she might get the idea...”

“She might get the idea that we’re still in love?” The corner of Thomas’s mouth tilted up, and his eyes were soft as he gazed down at her. He still hadn’t removed his arm, and it was warm and strong around her back. “Now where would she get that idea?”

Tempted to laugh at his brazenness, Abigail frowned teasingly instead. “You’re being obnoxious.”

“Is that what you call it?”

“You said you weren’t going to push.”

“Am I pushing?”

He wasn’t really pushing. But his arm was still around her and his expression felt like a caress. It definitely felt like he was pressing his advantage.

She swallowed hard. “I’m still trying to figure it out. I’m so worried about rushing and making decisions before we’re ready”

“I know. I don’t want to rush it either, but I really think we’re ready to start working things out. “His hand slid up her back until his fingers tangled in her hair. “Abigail, I’m not expecting it all to happen magically, but it doesn’t have to be the way it was before. Any time you want to talk about it...”

“Okay.” She took a shaky breath, picturing how she would feel if she tried to share her heart with him again and he still didn’t seem to hear or understand her. It would be almost worse than it had been before, since they’d both grown and changed so much.

“Okay,” Thomas said, as if he’d understood her hesitance. “The zoo probably isn’t the best place for it anyway. Just let me know when you want to talk.” His mildness flickered into an unexpected spark. “I’ll be here.”

Abigail gave him a teasing, long-suffering look that made his mouth twitch again.

They stood in mostly silence, occasionally replying to Mia’s happy comments, which she threw over her shoulder at them.

After a few moment’s reflection, Abigail asked in a hushed voice, “Do you mind if I ask something?”

Thomas’s eyes cut over to hers quickly, but his expression didn’t change. “Of course not.”

Abigail swallowed, inexplicably nervous. She wasn’t even sure why she was bringing this up, since they’d just agreed to save discussions like this for later. But she found herself asking anyway, “Why weren’t you like this—with Mia—when we were together before?”

Thomas’s face went very still for a moment, and he didn’t answer immediately.

Sighing, Abigail’s shoulders slumped. “See. I knew it was too soon. You don’t have to answer.”

“I want to answer. I told you I’d talk about it anytime you wanted to. I just never said it would be easy.” His lips twisted a little, and he swallowed visibly. “I’m so angry with myself for how I acted back then.”

Abigail was suddenly worried it would sound like she was somehow judging him. “You weren’t that bad. I mean, compared to a lot of husbands. I don’t want you to think I—”

“I wasn’t who I should have been. At all. For either you or Mia. The truth is…” They were still speaking too low for Mia to hear. “The truth is I was terrified.”

Her mouth dropped open. She’d tried to understand his motivations over and over again throughout the years, and she’d always concluded with everything circling around a core of discontent inside him—about his career, his family, his life, her as his wife. She’d never expected anything like this. “Of what?”

“Of losing her. Of losing you.”

She stared, feeling like the world was suddenly tilted the wrong way. “What are you talking about?”

He gave a half-shrugged and looked away as he admitted, “I’ve only ever been good at one thing—at school and then later at my job. I was never any good at anything else growing up. I didn’t do much with sports. I couldn’t socialize well. I didn’t have a girlfriend all through high school. I was terrible at relationships.”

“But you’re…you’re so amazing. Brilliant and successful and handsome and…”

He gave a huff of amusement. “Thanks for that, but I’m really not. I was just always the nerd who did nothing but study. That’s how I’ve always felt. Never quite…enough. When I met you, I couldn’t believe that someone so sweet and beautiful would be at all interested in me. And then, once we got married and it felt like you didn’t really want to have sex with me, it just fed my—”

“Thomas,” she gasped, making sure to speak low so Mia wouldn’t overhear. The girl was still happily watching the sea lions swim. “You know that’s not what it was. That was my own issues. You
know
that.”

“Yes, I knew it with my head, but it kept feeling like I was part of the reason—because I just wasn’t good with relationships. I’ve never been good at them. Then, finally, things started to get better and Mia was born, and I was feeling more secure about us, and then…”

She closed her eyes, realizing what he’d trailed off from saying. She was almost shaking with the revelation of something she’d just never imagined before. “Then I started to change.”

Thomas nodded. He seemed almost embarrassed about the admission, and his eyes were focused on the concrete at their feet. “It felt like you were becoming somebody different—someone who could never want me. It was what I’d unconsciously always expected to happen. So I ended up making it happen. I didn’t do it consciously, of course. I convinced myself I was focusing on the one thing God had made me good at, the one thing I could really offer. But, looking back, I can see what happened. I pushed you away. I pushed both of you away.”