Reclaimed (39 page)

“How?” Suzanna cried to the empty park beyond her windshield. “God, I want to know you!”

Draw near.

Tears soaked her face, and she leaned back against the headrest of her seat. “I don’t know how.”

“Will she ever come back?” Kelsey pulled her knees to her chest as she sat against the wall on the far side of her bed.

A gust of anger stirred inside Paul. Leaving him without a word? He got that—things being what they are. But Suzanna done just up and took off without explaining to Kelsey what was going on, without giving her a hug or even saying good-bye. Friends don’t do that, and Suzanna should know better. She knew how it felt to be abandoned.

“I don’t know, Kels”—Paul lowered himself on the foot of the bed, feeling old, really old and broken—“but this isn’t because you did anything wrong. Suzie’s got some stuff to work through, and she must have felt like she couldn’t do it here.”

Kelsey examined Paul through sad, dry eyes. Dry because the only person he’d seen his niece cry in front of was Suzanna. “Did you have a fight?”

He sighed, rubbing his neck. “Yeah, we did.”

“Because you danced with that pretty lady last week.” Her tone rang of accusation.

How do I explain this to a twelve-year-old?

“I didn’t handle the whole thing very well, Kels. We did fight about that, but that’s not why she left.” He examined his hands.

Do I tell her the truth?

“We found out through that fight Suzie and I don’t agree about God.”

“I don’t understand. You went to church together.”

“Yeah, we did, and I thought we believed the same things, but we don’t.” Paul looked back at Kelsey. “I can’t marry a woman who doesn’t share my beliefs because God warns against it and because it usually turns out to be a bad decision. I love her, but I love Jesus more, and in this situation, I had to choose. It wasn’t fun, and to be honest, Kels, my heart really hurts over it.”

Kelsey’s expression softened. “Because you wanted to marry her?”

Raw emotion swelled against his chest, and he had to clear his throat to speak. “Yeah, I do.”

Staring at her hands, Kelsey drew a long, slow breath. “I wanted you to, too.”

THIRTY-EIGHT

Suzanna stared at the Gideon Bible she’d found in the bedside table. Reading it made her head hurt, especially as she attempted to wade through the list of impossible names in Genesis chapter five. Desperation filled her. She needed answers.

Reaching for her phone, she debated. Paul? Or Andrea? Both were bound to be upset with her. She’d left without a word and had been gone for over a week.

Maybe she wouldn’t call. She set aside the phone and returned to the Bible.

All the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years: and he died.

Nine hundred years and then he died? Where did he go? Did he know God? If he did, how?             

She fingered the pages. Sheesh, there were a lot of them. She’d get lost in it all. She
was
lost in it all. Returning to her phone, she found
Andrea
and pushed
Send
.
Please, don’t be mad.

“Suzanna?” Andrea sounded breathless.

Just the hint of her emotion made Suzanna’s throat thick.

“Suzanna, you’d better start talkin’, girl.” Andrea spoke in her “mother voice.” “Where are you? Are you okay?”

“I’m in Colorado—Greeley”—she cleared her gauzy throat—“and I’m… okay.”

“You don’t sound okay, Suz.” The bite in Andrea’s tone softened.

Suzanna stared at the Bible. “I need answers, and I don’t know who else to ask.”

“Okay,” Andrea spoke slowly, “I’ll do my best. Shoot.”

“How do I know God?” Suzanna pushed the words out before she could change her mind. “Paul says I don’t. Actually, I know I don’t, not like he does, but”—her voice cracked—“but I want to.”

Silence stretched over the phone. What if Andrea told her she couldn’t help? That only special people got to know God? What if it were like an exclusive club in Hollywood—VIPs only?

“You know Him through Jesus, Suz,” Andrea finally answered. “By trusting Jesus as your savior, and by studying His word.”

Suzanna dropped back against the bed as frustration poured over her. “I’ve been trying to read the Bible. It’s not helping.”

“Okay, so it’s a big book, and there’s a lot to take in.” Andrea began to sound like herself again. “What are you reading?”

“Genesis five.”

Andrea breathed a small laugh. “Yeah, I could see how you could be frustrated. Although, if you keep reading, Genesis six will give you a picture of salvation.”

“What’s in Genesis six?”

“Noah.”

Noah?
Like the guy with the big boat stuffed full of animals? That was actually in the Bible? Suzanna thought it was a story to keep kids entertained during Sunday school.

“I know that story. Why is it a picture of salvation?”

“Because God told Noah He was going to destroy the earth, and the only way to be saved was through the ark. God tells us now that life will end for all of us at some point in time, and the only way to be saved eternally is through Jesus. It’s a true story that points forward to another truth.”

“Okay.” Suzanna sighed.

“I think for now you should start with a gospel. John. Read the gospel of John. Watch Jesus as He lives and interacts with others throughout the book of John. You’ll hear His offer of salvation as He speaks with a man named Nicodemus. You’ll see His compassion as He speaks with a Samaritan woman, offering a life that will satisfy her longing for love. You’ll see His power to heal. You’ll know His desire for a relationship when He says to abide in Him, and He will abide in you. You’ll weep as you watch Him die.”

Andrea’s voice wavered, but she continued. “You’ll  see He is indeed God when He defeats death. Watch the Son, and you will know God.”

“John?” Suzanna felt like a timid mouse. “That’s in the New Testament, right?”

“Yep.” Andrea didn’t sound the least bit condescending. “Right after Luke. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John.”

Suzanna rolled to her side and propped her head on her hand. She traced the damask pattern on the hotel duvet with her finger as she tried to put words together. “I’m sorry I left without telling you,” she whispered. “Please tell Kelsey I’m sorry.”

“I will.” Andrea’s voice became quiet again.

“Is she okay?”

The pause over the line was telling. “She’s trying to understand. Paul stopped by earlier today to talk to her before he left for the river property. He’ll be gone for a few weeks—calving.”             

Paul.

Longing stirred in her heart. “Is… how is he?”

Andrea sighed. “Suzanna, don’t take this wrong, but I don’t think you should worry about Paul right now. This is between you and God, not you and Paul. It needs to stay between you and God.”

Paul sat up and shivered in the darkness. Soaked in a cold sweat, he reached for the hooded sweatshirt he’d tossed over a chair before he climbed into bed. His hands trembled as he pulled it over his head, and his heart raced like a Thoroughbred.

He couldn’t help her. The vivid images of the nightmare still replayed, though he was awake. Suzanna had been caught out alone in a violent storm. Sheets of rain shrouded her, and the wind tore at her voice, but he could hear her scream. She begged for help as thunder clapped and lightning ripped through the sky, but he couldn’t reach her. Couldn’t save her.

It wasn’t the first time he’d dreamed the dream. Two weeks running, she’d called out to him in his sleep, and he found himself helpless. Except to pray.

Save her, Jesus. You calmed the waves and made the winds cease at the sound of Your voice. Please save Suzanna.

Suzanna met her work quota and closed her laptop. She sat in her lonely room at the Residence Inn with nothing but her thoughts to keep her occupied. Wet, heavy snow fell in huge flakes, measured in feet the first week in March, keeping her away from the college fields and Linn Grove Cemetery. Early spring snowstorms are common in Colorado and sometimes paralyzing to the Front Range.

She fingered the remote for the television, but her glance found the Bible tucked near her pillow. She’d read through John, like Andrea suggested. There was a lot she’d never heard before. Did Jesus really offer living water to a woman who had five husbands and was living with a man who was not her husband? Did He really blast the religious leaders for making too many rules? Had He stood between a shameless woman and an angry crowd?

Who was this Jesus? He was not the crabby old man in the sky she’d imagined—the one who sat forever frowning, waiting for her next blowout mistake. Reading the stories, she imagined a man with kind eyes and a gentle smile set off by a strong jaw. A man capable of great power like when He cleared the temple, but one who was uncommonly gentle to the weary and brokenhearted.

A man very much like Paul Rustin.

Was that sacrilege? Paul wasn’t God, and he couldn’t save her. He made that perfectly clear, but he said he knew God—that Jesus was at the core of everything he believed. Maybe Jesus was the reason Paul was the man he was. If that were so, then Paul had been right. She was wrong about God. She wanted—no needed to know this God.

She opened the pages and returned to John eleven. The scene had captured her heart and held all of the emotion she felt. A man was dead. Two women grieved, not only his death, but because he’d left them alone. Crowds gathered, but they were more noisy than helpful. In the midst of it all, Jesus finally showed up.

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in me, will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?

She said to Him, Yes Lord. I have believed that You are the Christ, the Son of God, even He who comes into the world.

Sitting on the bed, Suzanna read it over again twice, and Jesus’s words took on life. The Voice spoke again.

Do you believe this?

“Yes, Lord.” She trembled, and a cry surged through her body. “Yes, Jesus, I believe you.” She fell facedown against the mattress, sobbing. “I want life. Save me.”

Paul stamped his feet on the porch and removed his boots before he went inside. Six inches of snow spread over the river property, looking clean and fresh and new. He stopped at the big picture window in his front room and examined the western horizon. The clouds had cleared, leaving a cool blue sky that set a backdrop for the warm oranges and intense purples of a prairie sunset.

Suddenly he wasn’t in his grandparents’ living room. His mind traveled back several months to a chilly evening in December. The sun lit the sky with glory, and he and Suzanna were riding her south pasture. She stopped, turned her horse to take in the display, and then she was gone somewhere else. Her face glowed as her eyes slid shut. He’d been sure by the light in her expression she’d had a moment with God.

Paul expected the darkness of his nightmares to crash upon his moment of reverie. Usually did when he thought of Suzanna these days. Maybe because he missed her so much sometimes it was difficult to breathe, but on the chance that the dreams were God’s way of reminding him to pray, he would do exactly that.

The darkness of those nightmares didn’t fall. Paul leaned an arm against the window frame and watched while the sun bid the day farewell, and still the gloom didn’t descend. He closed his eyes, and an image replaced the vision outside his window.

Mike’s pasture as it was six years ago. A feedlot. Destroyed ground—muddy, packed down, infertile. Useless. With a love no one understood, Mike tilled and amended, tilled some more, and planted. Before Paul’s eyes, the sterile dirt sprouted green life. Color spread over what had looked like death until it filled every lifeless patch of mud. The land had been reclaimed. Saved.