Reckless (32 page)

Bam
! My door slams open, nearly startling me right off my bed.

“Sean!” Dillon screamed at me

“What!” I said annoyed.

“It’s Ava. I found her and she’s not good.”

“What do you mean she’s not good?” Ethan asked him.

“When I found her, some woman was screaming at her and Ava was all balled-up in the corner of the room, hysterical.”

“What woman?” Ethan asked.

“I don’t know who she was, but I think she told Ava that you’re dead,” Dillon said.

“She doesn’t believe that?” I breathed.

“I think she does, Sean. I asked her what was wrong and she just kept saying… ‘he’s gone’.”

I jump out of bed and make my way to the door. “Where are you going Sean?” Ethan asked, grabbing hold of me.

“She thinks I’m dead, Ethan.”

“I will go and talk to her,” he said.

“I don’t think that will work Ethan. She is beyond consolable, her eyes are just so … empty,” Dillon said.

I eye Dillon as his words cut right into me. “Ethan, I have to go find her.” As we get closer I can hear her terrified and broken screams. It scares the hell out of me.

“That’s her room,” Dillon said, pointing to her door as we round the corner. “And that’s the woman who was yelling at her.” I look over to see Rebecca smiling at me.

“What did you do?” I glare at her.

She shrugs happily, “Sean. You are alive. Oops, my mistake.” She giggles, hiding her smile behind her hand.

The only thing that keeps me from strangling her is Ava, who runs out her door and away from me. “Ava!” I screamed to her. She stops but doesn’t look at me. “Ava!” I yell again and she falls against the wall gripping her head and slipping down to the floor shaking.

Ethan immediately runs after her, “Ava, it’s okay, Sean is fine.”

“I’m so sorry Ethan! I’m so sorry!” She yells, gripping his shirt wildly. Ethan picks her up, looking as worried as I feel.

Ethan carries her to me. “Ava,” I said, running my fingers through her hair. She jerks away, looking at me obviously frightened. “Ava, it’s okay, she lied to you.” Shaking her head slowly, she looks me over silently as Ethan sits her on the floor. She is a mess. Her eyes are just as Dillon said - dangerously empty. Looking at her, I see nothing but the same image of her mother after her father’s death. I reach out for her, brushing my fingers across her cheek to push her hair out of her face. Her hand rises up to me, trembling. I watch as her fingers shake their way towards my chest. I take her hand and hold it to my face, her breathing instantly becomes erratic. She grips my shirt hard and holds it tight before crashing into my sore ribs and crying out. Wrapping my arms securely around her, I try to console her as best I can, but her response to me … is not Ava. “Ava, look at me,” I said, lifting her chin up to me. “Everything is going to be okay. Come back to me, Ava.” Her eyes flutter, for a second.

“No,” she cried. “I don’t understand.” She twists in my arms until she finally looks up at me on her own, regaining some life again.

“I’m not dead, everything is okay,” I said to her, cradling her face in my hands.

“Sean?” I nod with a slight smile. She smiles back at me and I begin to relax, bringing her hard into my chest despite my own pain.

“Damn Ava, you scared the hell out of me,” I said but she begins to go weak in my arms. “Ava?” I pull back, watching her contort as if she is in severe pain. “What’s wrong?”

“Doctor!” I look up, noticing an entire staff of nurses including Pamela watching us. “Sean we need to take her now!”

“What? What’s going on?” She pulls Ava from my arms, rushing her away from me.

“Sean …” I look over at Ethan as he stares at the floor. I follow his gaze to the spots of blood.

“Oh God,” I whispered, watching Rebecca smile joyfully before she prances away.

“We will make sure she gets what’s coming to her, but now is not the time.” Ethan tries to reassure me.
I don’t understand how she could be that evil … and I never saw it?

The pain in my head is minor compared to the fear holding me hostage right now. “Sean,” a soft voice calls out to me. I lift my head from the darkness of my palms as Pamela grasps my hand and leads me down one hall and then another, down an elevator and then through a deserted hall to an empty room. She faces me with a concerned expression and I begin to shake. “I wanted to tell you first,” she said with a warning exhale. “Ava is going to be fine.”

I nearly smile but quickly realize that’s not why she brought me to this secluded place. “And the baby?” I asked, feeling my worst fears cut me to an unfathomable depth.

Pamela looks at me saddened, shaking her head silently. “Ava doesn’t know yet.” Clinching my eyes shut, I fist my hands into my eyes.

“You lost a child, there is nothing worse than that.” I try to hold it together, but her words send me to my knees, releasing the pain with a deafening scream. Pamela’s warm hands try and comfort me. “That’s it, let it go. She’s going to need you to be strong when you see her.” I bury my tear soaked face into her shoulder. “Yes, you lost something wonderful, but you still have something beautiful and wonderful waiting for you. She loves you very much.” She said, pulling my face to look at her. “You need to be there for her, she is going to feel even more pain than you can even imagine. It’s her body that lost the child. She’s going to feel responsible.”

“But it’s my fault. It’s my fault, not hers,” I cried out.

“It’s no one’s fault, Sean. Neither of you could help what happened.”

I continue to cry in her arms, releasing the pain from every part of my body until I can’t cry anymore.

“Are you ready to see Ava?” She asked me.

I shake my head at first, but change my mind when I think about her.
I need to see her, I need to hold her
. I clean my face up and take a few deep breaths before I follow Pamela back up to the room adjacent to mine. Her new room echoes. I hesitate to approach her, gazing over her as she faces the window opposite the door. They have her cleaned up in fresh hospital clothes, her hair brushed to softness and her face fresh and beautiful. She twitches when I touch her. “Ava,” I whispered.

She shakes her head, “Don’t.” She faces me with tears already built up in her eyes, “Don’t say it, Sean, please don’t say it.” Holding her face to mine, I close my eyes, feeling her tears run down my cheek. “Oh God,” she cried. I struggle for comforting words that never come. All I can do is take her into my arms and curl up in her tiny bed with her. She cries for hours against my chest, and I release tears I didn’t know had left. When that numb feeling finally overwhelms us, the silence becomes our only form of communication.

Exhausted, I close my eyes, listening to the rhythmic sounds of the rain and feel her heart beat against my painful chest. No one bothers us, no one even tries. The rain continues to fall as the rhythmic tapping on the window sets the pace of our breathing and the darkness becomes darker.

I am not sure who I hate more, the snake or the rat that lead her here.
Ava continues to work, and with me home she spends even more time at the office. Although it is a relief from our deadly silence when she is home. All we have these days are conversations with one-word answers and a complete avoidance of anything that might provoke much more. I watch her drift from one room to the next with no emotion towards me, breaking my heart into a million pieces from neglect. Every night we lie beside each other and despite my attempts to touch her, there is never any response in return. Her hands are lifeless against my touch and her eyes continuously shift away from mine. My guilt grows and I am not sure how much longer I am going to be punished. With Lillah’s birthday fast approaching, Ava might break our silence, or at least I hope she will.

It is late and Lillah is already in bed. Ava has her reading glasses on and is stretched out reviewing details, as she calls them. I sit nearby, desiring her more than I realized. I almost forget to speak as I fantasize about her. Her eyes lift, catching mine and startling me out of my trance. “So what are we going to do for Lillah’s birthday this weekend?”

“Oh, I thought we would keep it simple. Just the three of us … maybe.”

“Ava, you know my mother is going to want to be here, and what about Abbey and Ethan. And Lillah will want Collin here. They have watched Lillah, I don’t know how many times, we should at least watch Collin for the night. And Kyle will want to be …”

“
Fine
, do whatever you want,” she snapped, looking back down at her paper work.

Watching her ignore me again, the anger builds up inside of me. “You know, it’s one thing for you to shut me out but it’s another when you shut everyone else out.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Are you serious? Ava you are a walking zombie. You are completely void of any life at all. I understood for a while, but now it’s… ”

“Well I’m sorry! I didn’t realize how much I was bothering you Sean.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Sean,” she yelled at full attention.

I meet her stance, “What Ava? What is it? Talk to me for God sakes, talk to me! I can’t take much more of this.” I yelled, shaking my hands at her.

I refocus on her face and her tear-filled eyes, “I’m so sorry. I am so sorry, Sean” she said before throwing everything in the floor and running off. Weak and unsure, all I can do is fist my hands and crumble.

Ava and I barely speak over the next few days, outside of the, “I don’t cares” and “whatever you wants.” I barely hear from her but despite her avoidance I am able to pull a nice party together for Lillah’s birthday. Everyone is coming over, I hope it might help Ava come out of her shell some. I didn’t bring out the circus but I do have it catered and a pony ride setup because that’s what Lillah said she wanted when I asked her. I enjoy watching Lillah’s face when the pony arrives. My joy overtakes me when I watch her ride the pony so in awe, she cannot even close her mouth.

“Three years old and a pony?” My mother said as she approaches me from behind.

I smile at her, “And your point is?”

“A little spoiled don’t you think?”

“Not in the least, you know damn well Dad would have done it for her if he had been here.”

Mom gives me a glancing smile, “Well you are just like him so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised,” she said laughing when Lillah waves at us, squealing happily.

“Now how can you say no to that face?” I asked her.

“I couldn’t but I don’t have to, I’m grandma, I’m supposed to give in.”

“Ah, and what did grandma get her?”

“I got what every three year old needs”

“Which is?”

“A car.”

“A car? Mother you didn’t?”

“Not a big person’s car, a little jeep battery car she can ride around outside, a silver one to match her mother’s car.” I force a smile as I turn back to watch Lillah. “How is Ava by the way?”

“I don’t know, she won’t talk to me.”

“It will get better”

“I don’t think so mom, she …” I shake my head. “She is intent on punishing me.”

“Punishing you? What did you do?”

“Please mother.”

“No Sean, tell me, what did you do to cause any of that to happen?”

“I brought them into our lives for one. I did the jump to cause her to be in that hospital, I put her and my …” Breathing heavily I look up to the sky to regain composure.

“Sean, none of that has anything to do with what happened. If it wasn’t for that woman you two would be looking forward to your life with a newborn right now.”

“She would have never come near Ava if it wasn’t for me.”

She grabs my face and forces me to look at her, “Sean you listen to me, what happened is not your fault and it’s not Ava’s. You will overcome this, both of you. You only need some time, some understanding, and a lot of communication.”

I laugh, “Well communication is not happening mother, she barely looks at me.”

“Don’t worry about that, it will happen. I’m sure of it,” she smiled kissing me on the cheek before returning inside.

Lillah played all day, overjoyed by the attention. The biggest joy for me was watching her open presents and blowing out her candles. She claps for herself as she looks at Ava and I for approval. She and Collin take turns riding on the pony, both laughing and being so cute that none of us could stop laughing at them. Even William with Ethan’s help, sits on the pony for a bit, or at least until he tries to eat his mane. By the end of the day, we have to put Collin and Lillah to bed, neither making it to their beds before falling asleep. I help Ava clean up, smiling and feeling pretty good about the day when I notice Ava watching me. “What?”