Reborn (Altered) (5 page)

“I don’t even have a name,” I answered. “Nothing. She’s like a ghost.” I scrubbed at my face, closed my eyes, and saw her again. “I have to know if she’s real. Or alive.”

Sam glanced at me, catching what I didn’t say. “She was part of a mission, wasn’t she?” I didn’t answer. He nodded, like he already knew anyway, like it all made perfect fucking sense. “What if you go there,” he said, “and you find out you killed her? Or what if you find out she’s nothing like you thought? You think filling in the blanks is somehow going to fix everything?”

“Maybe.”

“It won’t.”

“This is starting to sound like a lecture.”

He looked away and let out a half laugh. “You’re right.”

What I didn’t tell him was that I needed to know if I’d killed some innocent girl only because the Branch had told me to. I needed to know once and for all if I was just as bad as my dad. Maybe I’d been following in his footsteps all along, hurting people because it was in my blood.

“If you won’t stay for me or Cas or even yourself,” Sam said, “stay for Anna. You have no idea what she’s like when you’re gone.”

I frowned. “What’s she like?”

He thought for a second. “Restless.”

I pushed away from the dresser. “You never told me this before.”

“That’s because you always came back.”

I let out a grunt. “I’m not leaving for good, you know. Anna’s a big girl.”

“Don’t be a dick. You can’t promise that. Not when you’re messing with things that trace back to the Branch.”

What he meant was,
You can’t promise you won’t be dead in a week.

I pictured my body rotting in a shallow grave in the middle of nowhere, and Sam, Cas, and Anna waiting for me to come home, wondering if this was the time I wouldn’t. The guilt nearly changed my mind. Nearly.

“I have to go,” I said.

Sam cracked a knuckle and thought for a second. Finally, he stood up. “What’d you pack, then?”

He wasn’t asking about the clothes.

“A couple of knives. A Glock.”

He took a few steps toward me as he reached behind him, beneath his T-shirt, and pulled out the Browning. He dropped out the clip, checked the bullets, and slammed it back into place. “Take it.” He handed it to me.

“I got the Glock.”

His expression never wavered. “Take it. You’re on your own, you’ll need more guns. Just in case.”

I gave in. The Browning was
his
gun. If he was offering it to me, then it meant something important. “Thanks.”

“If you need us, call. We’ll be there in a second.”

“I will.” I wouldn’t.

He clapped my shoulder. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“The shit I do can’t be half as stupid as the shit Cas does.”

Sam laughed and shook his head as he turned away. “I’m not going to reply to that.”

“Because it’s true.”

He pulled the door open and disappeared into the darkened hallway.

I took his spot on the bed, staring at the gun in my hands. I pictured the next few days alone, without Anna or Sam or even Cas within shouting distance, and started to wonder if I was making one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

The three of them were all I knew. All I’d ever needed to know.

But living like this, wondering about the past, about the mistakes I might have made, was tearing away at my insides like a handful of pills.

I had to go.

No matter what I found.

8

ELIZABETH

JUST AS EVAN PROMISED, EVERYONE changed their plans for me. It was a testament to how much sway Evan had over the group. Everyone did what Evan wanted.

The group had decided to have a bonfire out by Walsh Lake instead of going to Arrow. Evan picked up Chloe and me right on time, and he made his friend Sean move to the backseat, so I could ride shotgun. Another car with five of Evan’s friends inside trailed behind us on the road.

Walsh Lake was north of town, and though the drive usually took twenty-five minutes or so, Evan sped nearly the whole way, cutting it down to fifteen. He had a foreign sports car, one of those compact cars that rode close to the ground, with a rear spoiler that was nearly as tall as me. It was a manual transmission, and I couldn’t help but
watch Evan as he shifted through the gears, the muscles and tendons in his forearm twining in a weird sort of dance.

With the night dark around us, the headlights cutting through it, and the summer air filtering in through our open windows, I started to plan what oils I’d mix to remember this night.

Mentally, I flipped through my collection. Amber, definitely. Musk. Maybe one of my cleaner fragrances, something reminiscent of a lake or—

“Lissy?” Evan said.

“What?”

He pulled his cell phone away from his ear and said, “What do you feel like drinking?”

One of Evan’s friends was old enough to buy alcohol and was taking requests before meeting us at the lake with the haul.

“Whatever you’re having.”

“Fifth of Morgan,” he said through the phone. Then, “I don’t care. Coke, I guess.” He ended the call and slid the phone into the center console.

A streetlight winked to red, and Evan shifted. The car’s engine went down an octave, but still rumbled as we waited for a green light.

“I’m glad you came out with us tonight,” he said.

“Me, too,” I answered, shoving my hands in my lap.

“We should do this more often.”

“Yeah,” Chloe said, and sat forward, sticking her head through the seats. “You need to get out more. You need to find a man,
too.” She turned her head just enough to wink at me without Evan seeing.

“I volunteer,” Sean said. “I’m free tonight.”

Evan laughed and shook his head. “She’s too good for you, you idiot.”

The light flicked to green, and Evan hit the gas. The thrill of the takeoff, and his words, turned my stomach over on itself.

The west shore of Walsh Lake was dotted with openings where several fire pits had been installed. Across the lake, large, expensive houses were outlined in the moonlight, a few windows glowing amber in the dark.

Once we found an open spot, Evan parked, and we all clambered out. Crickets chirped from the underbrush and tree frogs croaked in between. The moon was full and cast its light on the black water in ripples of silver.

Evan started the bonfire with hardly any trouble before grabbing a few camping chairs from the trunk of his car. He offered me one and I sat. He opened a chair next to me and settled in as the fire gained ground.

“Tom should be here soon,” he told everyone, and they answered with cheers. Tom was the supplier of alcohol.

A car stereo had been cranked up, and the windows rolled down, so that rock music wound its way to us at the shore. The steady beats seemed to vibrate through my chest.

Chloe and another girl, named Madison, danced around the fire
while a few guys gathered wood to keep the fire going. Evan leaned toward me.

“Having fun yet?”

I smiled and nodded. “It’s nice getting out every once in a while.”

He grew serious. “How come you don’t come out with us more?”

What I wanted to say was,
You guys don’t always invite me
, or,
Some nights I can’t stand the thought of being in public
.

Instead I said, “I don’t know.”

“Well, you should,” he answered. “You should come out with us every night from now on.”

I laughed. “That would mean you couldn’t go to Arrow. And that wouldn’t be fair.”

He waved his hand in the air. “Arrow is lame anyway. They’ve started playing mostly techno music, and while I like techno music as much as the next guy, I need a little more rock, you know?”

I said yes, as if I did, but really I didn’t.

Headlights flickered through the trees as a vehicle wound its way up the narrow trail to our spot. Tom turned his truck around at the end of the road and backed up. When he climbed out, he said, “Booze is here!” and everyone cheered again.

“I’ll go mix you a drink,” Evan said, and hurried off.

Tom opened the truck’s tailgate, and a drinks station was quickly assembled. Chloe grabbed a beer and crashed into Evan’s abandoned chair.

She waggled her eyebrows. “How’s it going?”

“It’s going fine.”

“Don’t be coy. You want to jump his bones, don’t you?”

“Chloe!” I shouted.

“It’s fine if you do! Every girl here does.” She tipped her head at Madison, who was very
very
close to Evan’s side as she waited for the bottle of Coke. “Madison has had a crush on him for years. And Hanna”—she pointed at a petite girl across the fire from us, who was chatting with another guy but checking on Evan every few seconds—“hooked up with Evan last month and hasn’t stopped talking about it since. She will somehow find a way to insert it into every conversation. It drives us all mad.”

I looked from Hanna to Evan and wondered what had happened. I also wondered what that sour taste on the back of my tongue was and realized it was the taste of jealousy.

“So listen, kid,” Chloe said. “I know you try to pretend like (a) you don’t like Evan or (b) you’re somehow a Spam sandwich or the worst, (c), you’re invisible! But I think Evan likes you and I think you should have some fun and I think you should stop thinking about it so much and just do it.”

I wasn’t sure if she meant do it, as in
it
, or as in kiss, hold hands, whatever. I didn’t ask for clarification, because Evan reappeared at my side and shooed Chloe away.

She grinned at me as she wandered off.

“Here,” Evan said, and handed me a red plastic cup.

I gave it a cursory smell. It was a deep, rich smell, like amber
and spices. I’d never had rum before. In fact, I’d only ever had a few glasses of wine. I wasn’t supposed to drink with all the medication I was on, but one wouldn’t hurt. Would it?

I thought about Aggie finding out. When I’d called her to tell her I’d be home late, she’d sounded positively ecstatic. She’d told me to stay out as long as I wanted, and that she wouldn’t wait up. Chances were she wouldn’t even find out I’d been drinking, but a sliver of shame twisted in my chest.

“Try it,” Evan said, and I took a drink.

The rum mixed with the Coke wasn’t so bad. It was good, even. I took another sip, and another.

Evan and I chatted while I finished my first cup. He made me another after I asked for more. Near the bottom of my second, my face grew warm and my head grew fuzzy. The fire shifted left, then right. Chloe skipped in front of me, chasing after Sean, and for a second I had a hard time focusing on her.

The more I drank, the lighter and fuzzier I felt. The more I laughed, the more Evan laughed. The more I felt like maybe I could
do it
, whatever
it
was.

A lot of my insecurities drifted away with the embers of the fire. I forgot about Gabriel, about losing my mother, the terrible things I’d gone through. I finally felt like a normal girl.

After I’d finished my second drink and half of my third, Evan asked if I’d go for a walk with him. I left my cup sitting on the ground near my chair, and Evan grabbed my hand as he pulled me into the woods.

I immediately missed the heat of the fire, but the warmth of Evan’s body pressed close to my side helped. His fingers were threaded with mine, our arms intertwined. We ducked through the trees and followed a trail that had been worn into the forest over time.

“This goes down to a little inlet,” Evan explained, his voice quieter now that we weren’t talking over the noise of the group. “It’s really pretty,” he added.

I smiled, even though he couldn’t see me. I couldn’t stop smiling.

The path we were on was wide and clear, and the moonlight lit it pretty well. Still, I had a hard time following a straight line. I kept stumbling over roots that had broken through the dirt. Evan let go of my hand and wove his arm around me, his fingers settling on my waist. A thrill went up my spine.

“That better?” he asked, a bit of amusement in his voice.

“Yes, thanks.”

“Maybe you drank a little bit too much.”

I laughed. “I guess I did.”

“Sorry,” he said, tightening his hold on me. “I should have stopped you after one.”

“It’s all right. I’m fine.”

Better than fine.

The walk took less than ten minutes, and when we reached the inlet, the path turned into a steep decline. Evan went first and helped me down. When the ground flattened out again, Evan guided me to a large rock that sat half onshore, half in the water. It was big enough
for both of us, and Evan pulled me in to him, tucking me in the crook of his arm.

My stomach swam.

“Sometimes I come out here by myself,” he said, his voice low and heavy. “No one comes out here, especially at night. It’s quiet.”

It was. Though I could still hear the voices of the others off in the distance, here, now, was muffled by darkness, and punctuated by the constant slapping of the water against the shore.

“What do you think?” Evan asked, turning to face me.

I looked up at him. His eyes were flecked with silver from the moonlight, his lips gleaming, too. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was how kind Evan was being, but I leaned closer and kissed him.

He hesitated one second and no more before matching the kiss. His hand came up, fingers lacing through my hair. I reached over, placing my hand on his chest, and felt the flexing of muscle beneath the thin material of his T-shirt. His tongue ran across my mouth, growing more fervent, and I answered back.

I didn’t want him to stop. I didn’t want this night to stop.

Something chirped. Evan pulled away and sighed. “Sorry,” he said, and dug his cell out of his pocket. The screen read
MOM
. “I gotta take this. Give me a second?”

“Sure.”

Evan answered. “Hey, Ma.” He paused, then, “I’m out at the lake. What? No. Hold on.” He held the phone to his chest and said to me,
“I don’t have much of a signal. I’m going to see if I can find one. Wait here?”

I wanted to tell him I’d come with, I was afraid of being out here in the dark alone, but instead I nodded. Because I didn’t want to reveal how fragile I really was.