Rebirth (21 page)

After we were reunited, Leif and I went to the showers where I washed and dried him and took him to bed. I was silent the whole time. He knew he had done something very wrong. I was fighting back tears of joy, but also anger. Why had he gone to see Earl?

In our room I asked these questions after tucking him in.

“It was Blank Man. He showed me where to go, where the key was hidden and…”

“You do everything the Blank Man says?”

“Mostly.” He shrugged, as though the question were somehow silly.

“What have I told you about the Blank Man? Haven’t I made myself clear? You do what I say, and tell me everything he says.”

“He’s not trying to hurt us, Mom.”

“Oh, really? Having you break into the stockade and then hold a conversation with a dangerous prisoner isn’t trying to hurt you?”

“He is in jail, Mom. He couldn’t hurt me.” His head pushed further into his pillow as he became more uncomfortable with the conversation. “He said he knew Daddy.”

Goddamn that Earl. “How does he know who you are?” I asked. “Did you tell him I was your mother?”

“That’s the first thing he asked when I got there.”

“So you told him.”

“Uh huh.”

“What else did you tell him?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t really do much talking.”

“What did he talk about?” I felt a sudden chill and rubbed my arms as I sat at Leif’s bedside.

“He said you were all friends.”

“I was never Earl’s friend, Leif. We all lived together before you were born, but I was never his friend.”

“He said you were. He said he saw Daddy in me. That I had his eyes and his nose.”

“That’s true: your daddy was a very handsome man. And so are you. And you’re smart too.”

“Like you, Mom?”

“Sure Leif, like me.”

“That’s what he said, that you were a very smart lady.” A compliment from Earl. That seemed unlikely, but Leif had no reason to lie to me.

“I still don’t understand why the Blank Man sent you to see him.”

“He said I should know my enemy.” My spine tingled.

“Did your Blank Man tell you why Earl was your enemy?”

“No, he just said I should know my enemy and then took me to the jail.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about Earl becoming your enemy. In a few days he won’t be able to hurt anyone ever again.”

“That’s not what Blank Man told me.”

“Go to sleep, Leif. Sweet dreams, and remember, I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

Leif fell into a deep sleep while I remained wide awake, wishing away the Blank Man. I watched his chest rise and fall, grateful he’d been returned to me unharmed. But the crazy circumstances that had taken him from me in the first place baffled me. Could I really believe in Blank Man? Was this spirit trying to harm my son? Were my witches wrong? Just as these thoughts circled through my head, I saw him. A shadowy figure materialized at the end of Leif’s bed.

Chapter Forty Six

I knew it was him. There was no face, just a form. And as quickly as it appeared, it vanished. Still I knew this was it. The same apparition that had caused so much heartache for myself and my friends so long ago. And now was controlling my son, guiding him right into the arms of my enemy. “Know your enemy” it had told Leif, but Earl was my enemy, not Leif’s. Besides, Earl would be hanged in just a few short days. Then I remembered the words that had been passed on to me through Leif. “We all come back.” A shiver overtook me at the memory. To think Earl might reemerge as some unsuspecting mother’s newborn made my blood run cold.

Something more began to work its way into my head as the thought evolved. What if I was interpreting this the wrong way? What if he escaped from his cell? What if he reestablished an army and came back? I couldn’t imagine that in his weakened condition he would have any hope of breaking free. So why did this thought continue to haunt me?

Checking once more to confirm that my son was asleep, I left the room, locking the door behind me. I found myself walking in the direction of the hospital. What if the women and children we’d taken in actually felt some twisted affection towards their captor? What if one or all of them decided to free Earl? Jesus, that was a concern. My pace picked up, and I began running across the compound towards the hospital. The clouds were gathering overhead, grey and black. It would rain very soon.

When I reached the hospital I threw open the doors and they crashed against the walls. The refugees were startled, as were the doctor and nurses. I scanned the large room and performed a head count.

“Sorry,” I apologized. “Is everyone here?”

“What do you mean, Sara?” The doctor approached me from his desk.

“The refugees,” I answered. “Are they all accounted for?”

“Yes, I believe so. Sonja, could we have a headcount please?” Sonja nodded.

“What’s this about, Sara?” He looked concerned. I rubbed at my arms. It was a cool night, and with the promise of rain I felt a chill rise in me.

“Just a hunch, Doctor.”

“Everyone is accounted for,” called Sonja. A wave of relief. I would have to talk to the Sergeant about my concern. “All but one,” Sonja finished. My heart fell.

Shit. It would only take one. “Shit.” I said.

“Sara, what’s going on?” The doctor stood, placing his clipboard on his desk.

“Just a hunch,” I repeated on my way out.

As I began moving toward the soldiers’ barracks I stopped and turned to face the jail. What if I could stop it from happening? I decided to visit the jail first.

I entered the building, which was deserted this time of night. The one bulb that remained lit in the hallway provided barely enough light. But I could see all I needed to. The door was ajar. My heart stopped. My right hand swung up to soothe a searing pain, rubbing it away. The light above the door flickered, yellow. I looked out to see the windmills turning frantically against the wind. The scene seemed apocalyptic. If Earl was loose in the base, we were in real trouble.

Chapter Forty Seven

Earl was gone. He’d been freed by one of the refugees. I explained this to the Sergeant, wrapped in a heavy blanket, my son at my side. “I’m certain of it.” I continued. “They’re missing one of the women from the hospital, a woman without a child. She’s likely so brainwashed that she’s gone and broken him out.”

“We’ve got the perimeter under full guard now, Sara. If he’s still inside the base, we’ll flush him out.” He walked to the window, staring out blankly. “This is our fault. We should have had a guard on him. And the refugees, they seemed so relieved to have been rescued.”

“Don’t blame yourself, Jeff,” I didn’t like seeing him like this. “Honestly, I’m afraid this is all my fault.”

“Your fault, how so?”

“He gave it up too easily. The information about their hideout. He also knew we would bring the women and children back. He knew we might kill off the rest of the men in a shootout, but the women and children… he knew we’d bring them back.”

“You think he gave up his camp just on the chance that one of them would free him?”

“Knowing Earl, yes.” My head dropped, and Leif gently rubbed my back. “He is very clever, and the fact that he has no conscience makes choices like that easy for him. He played the odds and he played me, and it looks as though he’s won.”

“He hasn’t won the war, Sara. He’s only won a battle.”

“Still, he’s loose now.” I looked at Leif, whose little forehead was wrinkled, his eyes big and sad.

*****

In our room I put Leif back to bed. It was very late, and he needed to sleep. I changed and got into my own cot. Turning on my side, my back to Leif, I started to cry. Why does this Blank Man not do something? What’s the purpose of a higher intelligence if all they’re capable of doing is guiding a person in the wrong direction? Why let someone like Earl continue to plague us? Part of the grand plan? Fuck the grand plan!

I felt a hand on my exposed shoulder and an arm wrap itself around me. “Don’t be sad, Mommy.” Leif crawled under my covers and settled behind me, hugging me. My hand reached up to touch his. “Everything will be okay.” I wondered if he actually knew that, or if he was just comforting me in the moment.

“Thank you, Leif. I love you.”

“I love you too. Please don’t be sad.” His logic, that I could stop being sad just because he wanted me to struck me as profound. I turned and lay on my back. He was right. There was nothing I could do except love my son, no matter what happened. I kissed his forehead. Leif adjusted and we fell asleep.

*****

I awoke with a start. My eyes flew to the clock over Leif’s bed. 3:33 am. I shifted, slowly sitting up so as not to wake Leif. I sat on the edge of the cot and rubbed my eyes. Whenever I woke up prematurely like this, there was not much chance I was going to get back to sleep. This was when my mind would relive the horrors of my past. Images I couldn’t escape ran over and over again in my head. The scenarios I’d lived through would haunt me, and tonight was no different. Feeling sick, I stood up, paced a moment and then lay down on Leif’s bed. I breathed in deeply for four seconds, held for seven, then released over eight and repeated. Sometimes this rhythmic breathing left me dizzy, but almost always left me feeling better.

I sat up and crossed my legs. Eyes still closed, I straightened my back and pushed my chest out, rolling my neck. Opening my eyes I was confronted once again by an image I had fought so hard against believing. Sitting not two feet in front of me, cross-legged as best as I could tell, was Blank Man. He was very dark, a silhouette. I froze.

A sound very weak rose in my head. Someone was speaking at a distance. It became clearer the longer I stared back at the Blank Man. It was him. He was trying to communicate with me. His head cocked to the left and suddenly the words became very clear.

“Ask your questions.” He was soft-spoken, and I had to strain to hear, but inherently I understood. I felt the hairs on my arms rise with goose bumps. This was my chance, I thought. This was the opportunity I’d been waiting for.

“Ask your questions,” he repeated. What were my questions? I drew a blank. Oh shit, I was going to blow this. He must have sensed my anxiety. He placed a hand on my knee. It felt like nothing. Not cold, not warm, not there. The act calmed me though, and I was able to remember the questions I had wanted to ask.

First I asked a question I’d wanted answered when Leif first brought up the Blank Man. “Are you Joel’s angel? Our angel?”

“Yes,” he answered. His voice was soft. I guessed I’d always known that, but was relieved to know I was right.

The next question was broader and I hoped I’d get a more detailed answer. This was something I wanted Joel to ask his angel for me but never got around to putting it to him. “Why us? Why now? How is it we are the generation that has to live through the end of the world?”

The Blank Man’s head cocked to the right. “We? You say that as though you are separating yourself from those that have come before you. We all come back. You have lived before, as your son has lived through Joel. You have lived through another, and another and another. You are experiencing this time as you experienced the Black Plague, the Second World War, the Inquisition. You have lived before as surely as you will live again to experience again and again. You are here now because you are an important means to this end. Leif is here now because he is that end.”

Reincarnation. He was talking about reincarnation. We all come back was what he’d told Leif when he explained to him that he was Joel, his father. “Why would Joel die and be replaced by Leif? Couldn’t Joel have done what Leif is destined to do?”

“Joel had lost what ability he had left in him to lead. His addiction had taken over.”

“Did Joel have anything to do with Connor’s death?” I realized I wasn’t speaking but rather only thinking my questions now. “No, don’t answer that,” I said out loud. I was better off not knowing, I’d decided.

“What is Leif destined to do?”

“This is yet unclear.”

“Unclear? How could it be unclear? Isn’t destiny clarity by definition?”

“This is why we have such an interest in Leif, and why we held such interest in Joel. Destiny is not absolute. It is driven by fate.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Consider fate as an outside entity acting through a person, while destiny is brought about by the person themself. Both march towards a predetermined end, but how they get there can affect that end.”

“Are you that outside entity?”

“I am only a guide.”

Questions started jumping into my head. I felt an urgency to ask them all before he disappeared. “Why allow Earl to escape? Why has he not yet been punished for all he’s done?”

“Earl too has a part to play, and fate has seen fit to allow this course to unveil itself in time.”