Rebecca Rocks (7 page)

Wow. Cass has just gone home, and she had some very big news. I feel a bit stunned. But not in a bad way.

I’d better start at the beginning. We all got a posh takeaway
which was very nice even though we had to eat it with my parents. Actually, they were unusually well behaved, and took themselves off to the dining room to practise their
Oliver!
songs as soon as dinner was over (well, I suppose they were only relatively well behaved − we could still hear them through the walls) so Cass and I could have the telly and the DVD player to ourselves. Eventually, they basically booted us upstairs to my room − they wanted the sitting room back so my mother could watch one of the ridiculous crime programmes she’s so fond of. It was quite late by then so we got into our pyjamas and blew up the air mattress and made up Cass’s bed on it so we could loll about in more comfort. Then we got talking about the summer and the camp and everything. But Cass started to seem a bit down.

‘Are you okay?’ I said (as you can see, I am still sticking to the rule I made in February to pay attention to my friends’ problems and not be too self-obsessed).

Cass sighed.

‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Well, sort of. I’m just … well, you know Liz is going to the Gaeltacht tomorrow?’

‘Yeah,’ I said.

‘Well, I’m just going to really miss her,’ said Cass. ‘I mean,
I’m not going to see her for three whole weeks. It seems like forever.’

‘It’s only three weeks,’ I said.

‘Well, it’s going to feel like longer. I wish she wasn’t going.’

I was starting to feel a bit insulted.

‘Cass,’ I said, ‘I know Liz is your friend, but you do have other friends who are still here, you know. I mean, it’s not like she’s your girlfriend and your own true love or anything!’

I expected Cass to say, ‘Yeah, I know,’ but instead there was a longer than usual silence. And then Cass, in a slightly strained voice, said, ‘Well … she sort of is. My girlfriend, I mean.’

I was so surprised I didn’t say anything for a moment. I don’t even know why I was so amazed − it’s not like I don’t know any gay people. Mum’s friend Maria, who lives around the corner, is gay, and so are some of my parents’ other friends. But, despite this, I suppose I just take it for granted that everyone, including Cass, is straight. Which, now I think of it, is a bit silly, because obviously not everyone is. I mean, it turns out Cass isn’t.

‘Bex?’ said Cass. ‘Didn’t you hear? I basically just told you I’m gay.’

‘Oh!’ I said. ‘Yes! I did! Sorry. I was just a bit surprised.
But … really? Wow.’

‘Yes,’ said Cass. There was silence for a moment, and then she said, ‘Are you … you’re okay with it, right?’

‘Oh God, yes!’ I said. ‘Of course I am! I just wasn’t
expecting
it.’ And then I was worried that I was saying the wrong thing and upsetting Cass. ‘Sorry, Cass. I really am okay with it. I’m more than okay. It’s cool. I’m just a bit surprised.’

‘Really?’ said Cass. ‘I actually thought it was getting kind of obvious. Especially recently.’

‘Well, not to me,’ I said. ‘But maybe I am quite clueless.’ I really think I must be. ‘Um, so are you and Liz, like, actually properly going out?’

‘Only since last weekend,’ said Cass. ‘I would have told you sooner, but there were, you know, the exams and stuff. But anyway, I’ve liked her for ages. Ever since we met, really. She told me she was gay a few weeks ago, and then last weekend we were in her house, and we were talking about, like, life and how things have been for her since she came out. She’s had a bit of a tough time because when she came out to Katie, you know, her bandmate from Bad Monkey, Katie was really weird about it for a while. Though things are a bit better now. I mean, they’re still going to the Gaeltacht together and
everything. Anyway, Liz said something sort-of-jokey about how she wished I liked girls too. And I said that actually, I did, and we sort of looked at each other, and then she kissed me … and that was it, really. She said she’s liked me for ages too, but she was never sure whether I even fancied girls at all, let alone fancied her.’

‘Wow,’ I said. ‘How romantic. But Cass, why didn’t you tell me or Alice sooner? Not about you and Liz, I know the whole week has been about exams. I mean, why did you never tell us that you like girls? We’re your best friends!’ I have to admit, I felt hurt.

‘I know you are,’ said Cass. ‘But I didn’t know how you’d react.’

I felt quite insulted by that.

‘Cass, how could you have thought I’d be horrible about it? I’m not homophobic!’

And Cass looked, not exactly annoyed, but much more serious than she generally looks. ‘Bex, I do know you’re cool with it, and I’m very relieved that you are, and it’s not like I really expected you to be anything else, not really.’ She sighed. ‘But there was always a chance that you wouldn’t be okay. I mean, people can be fine about gayness in theory, but not in,
like, practice. If you know what I mean. That’s what happened with Liz and Katie.’

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I see what you mean.’

‘I mean,’ Cass went on, warming to the theme, ‘it may not seem like it to you, but this is a really, really big deal. Me, you know, coming out to you. It was really scary. I’ve basically been dreading it for ages. I … I dunno. I was scared that if I told you, things would never be the same, and we wouldn’t be normal friends anymore or maybe even friends at all, and I was really scared about that.’

She looked like she might cry. And I almost felt like
bursting
into tears myself.

But I just gave Cass a hug (which shows what an emotional moment it was, we’re not usually terribly huggy). And we both sniffled back tears.

Anyway, after that we stayed up talking about it for ages, and I tried to say the right thing, though I’m not sure I always did. But I wanted to, anyway. And she didn’t seem to mind. I think once she knew I was cool with it and that I appreciated what a big deal it was for her to tell me,
everything
was okay between us. She said she’d fancied girls for as long as she’d fancied anyone.

‘But only in, like, theory,’ she said. ‘I mean, the famous people I fancied were girls. I never met anyone I really liked in real life until I met Liz.’

‘Which isn’t really surprising when you look around in our school,’ I said. ‘Imagine anyone falling in love with Vanessa. But I remember you saying how good-looking Paperboy and Jack Rosenthal from
Laurel Canyon
are! Were you just
pretending
? You never needed to do that!’

But she said she wasn’t, really.

‘I’m gay,’ she said. ‘But I’m not blind. Obviously I can appreciate, you know, when someone’s really good-looking, whether they’re a boy or a girl.’

She still hasn’t told her mum and dad. She’s really nervous about it.

‘I can’t imagine them being upset about it,’ I said. ‘I mean, it’s not like they’re really anti-gay, or anything. Isn’t your mum friends with my mum’s friend Maria?’

‘But people can be one way about their friends and another way about their kids,’ said Cass. ‘I dunno. Imagine how awful it would be if Mum didn’t get it. Like, if she thought it was just a phase. Or if she, like, cried with sorrow.’

And I realised it was easy for me to say that everything
would be okay. As long as there was a chance that it wouldn’t, poor Cass would be very nervous about it.

‘Yeah, I understand,’ I said, and I think I did. ‘When are you going to tell Alice?’

‘Tomorrow, I hope,’ said Cass. ‘Oh, no, she’s doing more family stuff, isn’t she? Well, Tuesday, then. I’ll text her
tomorrow
and arrange to meet her. I was actually going to tell both of you together, but I suppose it just … came out tonight.’

‘Like yourself,’ I said, and we both laughed like loons even though that was not one of my finest jokes. It was good to laugh after all that seriousness, though. And then we realised it was nearly two in the morning, and we were both kind of knackered, so we went to bed.

‘I feel quite exhausted after all that soul-bearing,’ said Cass, through a giant yawn.

‘So do I,’ I said. ‘I’m glad you told me, though.’

‘Me too,’ said Cass. ‘Night night.’

At first I thought I would lie there pondering Cass’s announcement. But actually, I fell asleep straight away. Cass is right, those sort of conversations are very tiring. Anyway, I didn’t get to sleep very long because the noise my dad makes banging around the house in the morning would wake anyone
up. Why he makes so much noise just getting ready to go and correct some exams is beyond me. It’s not like he’s, like, a
carpenter
and has to gather together lots of noisy spanners and hammers and stuff. Anyway, he woke us both up by slamming the bathroom door by accident, which happens almost every morning, and we sat up and looked at each other. Well, we sort of looked at each other; Cass can’t focus very well without her glasses.

‘Did you tell me you were gay last night or was that just a magical dream?’ I said.

‘It wasn’t a magical dream,’ said Cass, putting on her glasses. There was a slightly awkward pause. ‘Um, you’re still okay about it all, aren’t you?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘I have turned into a lesbian-hater overnight. I’m joking! Sorry! That wasn’t very funny. I am definitely still okay about it.’

‘Good,’ said Cass. ‘Can we talk about other stuff now? Even I am getting slightly bored talking about myself.’

‘We could talk about our sweet-making plans,’ I said.

‘Ooh, yes,’ said Cass. ‘Do you think your mum would let us try again?’

She said we could try again, but there was no condensed
milk or indeed sugar left so we’d have to go out and buy some. So we did, after breakfast, and then we went back to my house and made some more fudge. I think we are really getting the hang of it − it was much better than the last batch. Even Rachel grudgingly admitted that it wasn’t bad, which is a lot coming from her. So by the time Cass had to go home (with an old plastic takeaway box filled with half of the batch of fudge), we were feeling very pleased with ourselves. When I walked her out to the door it felt a bit formal for a second.

‘Well,’ I said, ‘um, thanks for telling me. You know, last night.’

‘Oh, yeah,’ said Cass. ‘Um, thanks for … listening?’

And then we started laughing, and everything was normal again. And then she went home. And now I am writing this. Although I’d better stop, I can hear my dad calling me. He probably wants to me to do the hoovering or some other
servant
-like duty.

I have just realised something. Now Alice is going out with Richard and Cass is going out with Liz, I am the only one
of the three of us who isn’t going out with anyone! I know I shouldn’t feel bad about this, but I sort of do. It’s not that I feel I really need a boyfriend, but I’m starting to wonder if I will ever find love again. Maybe I will meet someone at the rock camp, although the last time I met a boy while doing some sort of creative activity it was John Kowalski, and look how that turned out. Perhaps I will just be on my own for the rest of my life. That makes me feel a bit crap.

I have written a poem about my loveless state: