Reasons Mommy Drinks (30 page)

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce Dubonnet Rouge

1 ounce gin

Dash of orange bitters (Or Trop 50)

INSTRUCTIONS

Combine all the ingredients in an ice-filled glass and stir.

NOTE

These are ingredients most likely found in Grandma’s house, and if you’re there, you’ll need a drink immediately.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Alphabet Academy might as well be SoHo House for all the favors Mommy had to call in to snag you a coveted spot in its toddler room. You didn’t even have a name (or known gender, as you were the size of an acorn) when Mommy got you spot 256 on the waiting list back when TomKat was still topical. In fact, admission is so competitive that the day care administrator was only the second person (five minutes after Daddy) to find out Mommy was pregnant. Now, more than two years later and just as Mommy was about to take a cue from
Indecent Proposal
to seal the deal once and for all, the day care finally called to confirm your acceptance. Of course, upon hearing the news, other Mommies felt compelled to share unsolicited warnings about the relentless colds and infections that will be inflicted on you, not to mention Mommy and Daddy, for the next year. Mommy refused to believe the haters, until she got the call that you were being sent home with a fever. On day three. Mommy has since had to miss
seven
two workdays this year (hooray for creative time-sheeting!). Mommy truly believes that the structured environment and socialization of day care will benefit you in the long run, but the days when she has to kiss your wet cheeks good-bye at the rainbow-painted door are The Worst.

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce Cognac

1 ounce light rum

4 ounces orange juice

Zest of orange

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a glass with ice. Pour in the Cognac, rum, and orange juice and stir. Garnish with orange zest.

NOTE

Numb your guilt, kill germs, and boost your immune system all at once with this triple-duty cocktail.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy loves seeing her out-of-town friends and relatives. She just wishes it was through the window of the local Hilton. She’s still getting used to sharing her tiny space with the entire contents of Babies “R” Us, let alone a family of four and their five-piece Samsonite set. On the day of their arrival, Mommy is forced to spend your coveted nap time Googling family-friendly tourist activities in the area while silently wondering why people on vacation temporarily lose their ability to access the World Wide Web. By day two, the new hardwood floors are covered in scratches from your cousin’s counterfeit Thomas the Tank Engine. Mommy should have just gone for Berber. Unfortunately, single houseguests are equally challenging with their oblivion to the choking hazards they leave strewn around the house and their back-to-back social events. Your 6
AM
wake-up comes all too soon for Mommy’s former college roommate, who noisily made her drunken entrance just an hour earlier following a night on the town to which Mommy was not invited. It’s almost as if “I want to spend time with you and your baby” was code for “I want to use your house as a place to store my luggage while I hook up with my ex-boyfriend.” Mommy and Daddy are forced to play the Let’s Be Quiet game with you in the confines of the basement until she rolls out of bed at noon. At which time she throws up in the kitchen sink, blaming it on the smell of your dirty diapers and not last night’s tequila shots. No matter who comes to stay, the house is always depleted of food and cleanliness by the visit’s end. As Mommy puts yet another load of sheets into the wash, she actually toys with the idea of having another child sooner than later just so there’s no longer a spare bedroom.

INGREDIENTS

Wedges of lime

Sugar

1 ounce Southern Comfort

1 ounce lime juice

Splash of grenadine

INSTRUCTIONS

Rim a glass with a lime wedge, then sugar, and fill the glass with ice. Combine the Southern Comfort, lime juice, and grenadine in a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into the glass. Garnish with a lime wedge.

NOTE

It’s the next best thing to the sound of the airport taxi pulling out of the driveway.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy Fear (MF) is a type of anxiety disorder characterized by crippling paranoia when her baby is not around. MF symptoms manifest when the sufferer is torn from chubby little arms to go to work or a scheduled “I hope Daddy’s too tired for sex afterward” date night. Plagued with the fear that no one can offer better child care than she, the MF sufferer conjures up elaborate scenarios that could be playing out in her absence. In an MFer’s rational (and in no way neurotic bordering on psychotic) mind, the day care is a covert meth lab, the babysitter is sexting her math teacher, Grandma’s gratuitous use of ketchup is causing early-onset diabetes, and Daddy’s playing Words with Friends when he’s supposed to be watching the baby not eat poison. MF presents in many ways, including compulsively checking one’s iPhone and leaving the ringer on high at all times, much to the chagrin of everyone else everywhere. The MF cycle continues well past the toddler stage, peaking during teenage years and lasting forever. Daddy should not attempt to tell the sufferer “Don’t worry, the baby’s fine,” as this could result in his immediate castration. Though MF symptoms can be managed with secret teddy bear cams and hourly FaceTime check-ins, they will never abate. Studies suggest that Mommy will always worry about her child. Always.