Reasons Mommy Drinks (17 page)

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

One day, when you ask her why you ended up at community college instead of an Ivy League, Mommy will tell you the tragic story of the evil, vile-smelling villain that made off with your entire education fund: The Diaper. Although your career options are now limited to small-engine repair and dental office administration, at least you have this rad Learn n’ Fun pelican sorter that Mommy scored from the Pampers points program. If you think this is traumatic for you, just imagine poor Mommy having to deal with the toxic waste that started coming out of you once she introduced solids to your diet. Good thing Mommy has successfully used labor as leverage to get Daddy to own a disproportionate share of diaper changes, adding to his previous household duties of killing bugs and filling the barbecue with propane. Though the thought of spending more than a grand on diapers in your first year alone is more nauseating than constantly changing them, apparently it’s better than what lies ahead when it’s time for potty training! (Fodder for
Reasons Mommy Drinks 2
?)

INGREDIENTS

3 fresh raspberries

3 fresh blueberries

Cognac

Chilled Champagne

INSTRUCTIONS

Soak the berries in the Cognac for 1 hour. Chill a Champagne flute. Place the berries in the flute and top with Champagne.

NOTE

Pamper yourself for a change with this extravagant cocktail.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Nap time is the most wonderful time in Mommy’s day. In theory. According to her Mommy groups, you are the only baby in the universe not taking two perfect one-hour naps a day. Some days Mommy is lucky if you fall asleep for ten minutes in her arms after forty-five minutes of bouncing you on her former exercise ball (at least it’s getting some sort of use). On the mornings when you do magically drift off to sleep in your crib, it’s a race against time. The clock tick-tocks down as Jack Bauer echoes in her head: “There’s no time!” Mommy has less than sixty minutes to do the following things: make coffee, tackle the laundry Matterhorn, clean applesauce off the kitchen ceiling, stuff a Toaster Strudel in her mouth, make more coffee, throw out the rotting vegetables in her fridge, dry-heave while cleaning out the Diaper Genie, not learn Spanish, and sit down for three minutes of hour four of
The Today Show
, at which point she finally gets why Hoda and Kathie Lee are drinking wine before noon. Mommy thinks it’s hysterical that there are Pinterest boards about the crafts and elaborate meals that can be prepared during nap time. Not only is Mommy a prisoner of your schedule, but God forbid you should fall asleep in the car seat before she makes it home, because it will completely screw up your nap and screw Mommy out of the one precious hour she has to accomplish everything. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” chirps every book about the first year.
Yeah right
.

INGREDIENTS

Lemon juice

Sugar

1 ounce gin

3 ounces club soda

Sprig of fresh thyme

INSTRUCTIONS

Rim a glass with lemon juice and then sugar. Fill the glass with ice. Pour in the gin, club soda, a splash of lemon juice, and sugar to taste. Stir gently. Garnish with the thyme.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Nothing says baby-friendly like a two-hundred-square-foot room furnished in glass and teeming with germs. Yet somehow tagging along on Daddy’s business trip seemed less overwhelming than coping with single-parent duty back home. So for the next seventy-two hours, you and Mommy are living it up, Dylan McKay–style. Despite her best intentions and a family-sized pack of antibacterial wipes, Mommy’s germ-busting mission goes belly up when you beat her to the (shudder) remote control. At least she manages to successfully cram your perishable food supply into the refrigerated section of the minibar, which, if the limp Snickers bar is any indication, is probably set somewhere between room temperature and Calcutta. Mommy can forget about ordering room service and watching HBO while Daddy hits the town with his colleagues. The crib won’t fit in the bathroom, so it’s lights out at 7
PM
thanks to the two inches separating you from the TV. Once she finally manages to soothe you to sleep, Mommy’s options for in-room entertainment are limited to holing up in the bathroom with the hotel magazine or Facebook-stalking her former coworkers under her duvet. At least she won’t be lying when she updates her status with “Having an amazzzing time in NYC.”

INGREDIENTS

Varies depending on minibar contents

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a glass with ice. Pour equal parts cranberry juice and pineapple or orange juice and top with a splash of ginger ale. Enjoy with a pack of $15 cashews; this one’s on Daddy’s expense account.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK