Real Ultimate Power (4 page)
Read Real Ultimate Power Online
Authors: Robert Hamburger
Skills Non-Ninjas Only Dream of Having
Did You Know?
Ninjas can only climb ladders backwards because of their huge boners. So they invented the catapult to get themselves into people's backyards and onto roofs.
Flying
Ninjas fly all the time, because it's cheap and easy. Not like birds, but more like hovercrafts, like they're floating in the pool, but in air. All they need to do is start thinking about knives and necks, and they start to rise.
Invisibility
Being invisible would be pretty great, if you ask me. You could do anything! Suppose you were invisible and there is some kid who used to like you, but doesn't anymore because you don't know why, and he's going through puberty, and just when he's about to go to a fancy wedding or something, you sprinkle pubes all over his shirt, and it screws up the entire ceremony.
Smoke Screen
This is for ninjas who can't get invisible for some reason.
Bio-slime
This is used for sticking to walls or for just freaking out the ladies. The slime comes out of their armpits, feet, and mouth. They spray when they get pumped.
Trapping
Ninja traps can be used for catching people. And then they can either scare their victim or just kill them, basically it's up to the ninja. For example, if a ninja wants to trap a bunch of people at once, he could put a huge net in the street and cover it with leaves and twigs. Then when a bus comes, he would pull the rope and BOOM, he's got them. The ninja would tip the bus over so everybody falls out into a huge tarp. Then the police would come see this bus just hanging from a tree, and they'd start screaming because they couldn't understand what was going on. And the ninja would take the big bag of people and toss it into a lake where everybody inside would try to get out, but instead they'd end up scratching and kicking each other. And the ninja would sit on top and spread a blanket over the bubbling bag and enjoy a picnic with his friends and neighbors. The sun would keep the food warm, and they would look at each and know that everything's going to be okay.
Porking
Ninjas are the toughest lovers ever! They are romantic and classy, making them a great opponent in any mating ritual. And after some wine, they spray nectar on their territory to attract mates, which usually works.
X-ray vision
With X-ray vision, a ninja can see through anything. A ninja uses this skill mostly for spying on victims or checking out women's crotches. Ninjas can relax on a park bench during the weekend and look at vaginas all day, and nobody will ever know.
Top Eleven Reasons Why Ninjas Kill People
P
icture an awesome field with tall grass and sunlight. Some deer are talking in the corner, but it's nothing big. Then there's youâface down and nakedâall because you couldn't shut your frigg'n mouth. A lot of people die from ninjas. I mean A LOT. And they all probably died for different reasons. And if you were to ask eleven different people what they thought about ninjas, you'd probably get one answer: “Totally sweet.” But that doesn't mean if you ask eleven different ninjas why they killed somebody, they'll give you the same answer. Here are some reasons why a ninja might kill you:
icture an awesome field with tall grass and sunlight. Some deer are talking in the corner, but it's nothing big. Then there's youâface down and nakedâall because you couldn't shut your frigg'n mouth. A lot of people die from ninjas. I mean A LOT. And they all probably died for different reasons. And if you were to ask eleven different people what they thought about ninjas, you'd probably get one answer: “Totally sweet.” But that doesn't mean if you ask eleven different ninjas why they killed somebody, they'll give you the same answer. Here are some reasons why a ninja might kill you:
1.
Talking crap about somebody
Talking crap about somebody
2.
Being stupid
Being stupid
3.
Being retarded
Being retarded
4.
Telling a teacher that somebody has fireworks in their pocket when it doesn't HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU
Telling a teacher that somebody has fireworks in their pocket when it doesn't HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU
5.
Telling secrets about your best buddy to get people to like you
Telling secrets about your best buddy to get people to like you
6.
Liking someone your friend likes
Liking someone your friend likes
7.
Saying that you like somebody, but deep inside, you don't
Saying that you like somebody, but deep inside, you don't
8.
Or liking somebody and telling them and everything, but as soon as they start liking you, you stop liking them, 'cause you're almost fully retarded
Or liking somebody and telling them and everything, but as soon as they start liking you, you stop liking them, 'cause you're almost fully retarded
9.
Giving your son dish detergent and a vacuum for Christmas, which doesn't make sense, when all he really wanted was a robot that turned into a gun
Giving your son dish detergent and a vacuum for Christmas, which doesn't make sense, when all he really wanted was a robot that turned into a gun
10.
Giving somebody homework
on Halloween
Giving somebody homework
on Halloween
11.
Telling somebody that you're going to come over and spend the night, and they wait for like three hours with the phone in their hand, and they even pooped in a bowl so they didn't miss you in case you knocked, but, guess what, you never showed up, and they call your house, and your mom picks up the phone and is like, “I don't know where he is. I'll tell him you called. So please stop calling.” And when they see you the next day at school, you're like, “Oh. Sorry, I forgot.”
Telling somebody that you're going to come over and spend the night, and they wait for like three hours with the phone in their hand, and they even pooped in a bowl so they didn't miss you in case you knocked, but, guess what, you never showed up, and they call your house, and your mom picks up the phone and is like, “I don't know where he is. I'll tell him you called. So please stop calling.” And when they see you the next day at school, you're like, “Oh. Sorry, I forgot.”
Japan
(Where Ninjas Basically Came From)
Did You Know?
If you lived in Japan during the time of ninjas, you'd be a pretty happy person.
J
ust imagine yourself being a ninja back in the olden days. It would just be you and a bunch of animals riding around the forest, and you could have your own castle with bears as guards that change shifts and everything. But, best of all, ninjas would be everywhere. A lot of people get the wrong idea about ninjas, because the only people to write about them were the ruling families of medieval Japan. Since they didn't like ninjas AT ALL, they would talk huge amounts of crap about them, which isn't fair when you think about it. They hated ninjas so much that back then, if somebody even mentioned the word “ninja,” they got their ass beat bad. And the only other people who wrote about them in the olden days were the British, and in case you haven't heard, they were dicksâbig time.
ust imagine yourself being a ninja back in the olden days. It would just be you and a bunch of animals riding around the forest, and you could have your own castle with bears as guards that change shifts and everything. But, best of all, ninjas would be everywhere. A lot of people get the wrong idea about ninjas, because the only people to write about them were the ruling families of medieval Japan. Since they didn't like ninjas AT ALL, they would talk huge amounts of crap about them, which isn't fair when you think about it. They hated ninjas so much that back then, if somebody even mentioned the word “ninja,” they got their ass beat bad. And the only other people who wrote about them in the olden days were the British, and in case you haven't heard, they were dicksâbig time.
Basically, ninjas came from Japan, which is screaming distance from China. Every single person in Japan gets to learn karate, even the fat ones. It's like a fantasy. Japanese people use chopsticks for forks and use forks as pocket-weapons. But, before there were ninjas in Japan, there were samurais. I
used
to be really into samurais. I thought they were so great and everything. I couldn't even do my homework or finish dessert. I would talk about samurais ALL THE TIME. People couldn't stand being around me, and I don't blame them. I refer to that time as my “crazy days.”
used
to be really into samurais. I thought they were so great and everything. I couldn't even do my homework or finish dessert. I would talk about samurais ALL THE TIME. People couldn't stand being around me, and I don't blame them. I refer to that time as my “crazy days.”
Mark used to be into samurais back then, too. We would stay up all night thinking about them, and we wouldn't even have to talk. We'd just be sitting on the floor, thinking about how sweet they were. Then, Mark and I would pretend to be in an ancient samurai's bedroom fighting demons. But after a while he started to wear cologne and hair spray, which didn't make sense, because samurais didn't have access to that kind of stuff. He stopped caring about the details. And pretty soon, he stopped caring about samurais all together, which was crazy! And when I'd call and talk to him about samurais, he always had to go, because he said his mom needed his help, but I never heard her in the background. I'm not into samurais any more, though. I'm moving on, putting my life in order and my toys away. I'm growing up, and it's showing everyday. I was too scared before, but now, I'm not afraid. I'll stare people right down. And they always look away. And before samurais, I was into zombies. And before that, it
20
was
21
catapults.
22
20
was
21
catapults.
22
Who Would Win?
Ninjas vs. Anybody
Did You Know?
Most people, if given a choice, would probably think about ninjas all day.
S
ince ninjas fight all the time, they have a lot of enemies. So here, I have collected a list of ninjas' most formidable opponents and will talk about how bad ninjas would kill them in a REAL fight.
ince ninjas fight all the time, they have a lot of enemies. So here, I have collected a list of ninjas' most formidable opponents and will talk about how bad ninjas would kill them in a REAL fight.
Vikings
Viking are pretty cool, but you can't understand them, because they only speak through plundering and raping. Ninjas don't have anything to steal, and if a Viking tries to rape a ninja, oh man, that Viking would get a surpriseâhow about a six-foot-boner-uppercut?
Pirates
These guys are the crap de la crap. They think that they're pretty sweet with the boats and lasers, but they really aren't, if you ask me. Number one, they can only use their magic on water. So basically, they are stupid and boring on land. And number two, they could only beat a ninja if the ninja had the flu, chicken pox, measles, mumps, and A.D.D. all at once. And that would probably never happen.
Moms
Moms are one of the ninjas' arch enemies. They always try to make ninjas clean up messes no matter how messy
they
are. Moms have screaming power and level nine spanking, which makes them pretty lethal. But ninjas have level forty-five spanking defense. So moms are pretty useless against ninjas, which is a good thing. Nevertheless, if a ninja is winning against a mom, the mom can send a mammogram to other moms in the neighborhood for backup.
they
are. Moms have screaming power and level nine spanking, which makes them pretty lethal. But ninjas have level forty-five spanking defense. So moms are pretty useless against ninjas, which is a good thing. Nevertheless, if a ninja is winning against a mom, the mom can send a mammogram to other moms in the neighborhood for backup.
Fairies
All fairies want to do is sprinkle magic sauce on you to make you fly. AND THAT'S BULLCRAP!
Knights
Knights are pretty charming and polite, which may cause jealousy and anger in the ninja, making him react in strange ways, like accidentally slapping a cousin in the mouth because he got a home run and you're too fat to get to first base. But if a ninja realizes that sometimes other people are better than them at certain things, they'll be able to beat a knight's ass correctly.
Baby-sitters
There's no doubt that a ninja would beat a baby-sitter's ass real bad, but baby-sitters are super weird. This, I know. Because I'm not allowed over to Mark's house anymore and Mom went back to work to “get the fuck away from me,” Mom got me a baby-sitter named John. He's pretty cool. He gets me and Francine beef jerky and he listens to my ninja stories, but he's really into Ancient Greek culture I guessâplaying video games and wearing diapers and stuff. One time, he bent over to pick up a cup of water, and I saw a diaper under his pants. I asked, “What the heck is that?” That's how he expresses himself, he told me. Then he told me a story about this one day last year when he showed up at a day care wearing a diaper and a note that said, “I'm retarded. Please change my diaper.” The day care took the note at face value and started to change him, but they called the police when they took the diaper off and saw an erection. Now he can't get a real job except for baby-sitting.
Teachers
These people are bitches or assholes. A teacher would be like, “Yo, stop talking and do your work.” And WHAM! A ninja would cut their mouth off so fast they wouldn't hear it coming. Oh man, that would be great. I'd pay a billion bucks to see stuff like that on TV Homework? Yeah, right! How about a mouth full of ninja stars?
Â
Some Nice Things: A Nice Poem
Some nice hippos share.
Everybody likes them.
They like everybody.
They live in a clean house
With nice carpet.
And none of them scream
Or hurt people.
Everybody likes them.
They like everybody.
They live in a clean house
With nice carpet.
And none of them scream
Or hurt people.
Â
But guess what ...
This one kid starts talking a bunch of crap about the hippos,
like they don't have brains and they eat chicken vomit and stuff
like that, which is BULLCRAP because the hippos weren't
doing anything. They were just hanging out and THAT'S ALL.
This one kid starts talking a bunch of crap about the hippos,
like they don't have brains and they eat chicken vomit and stuff
like that, which is BULLCRAP because the hippos weren't
doing anything. They were just hanging out and THAT'S ALL.
Â
But,
The hippos don't flip out and kill him.
The hippos begin to share
And be nice,
Which is pretty mature.
28
The hippos don't flip out and kill him.
The hippos begin to share
And be nice,
Which is pretty mature.
28
Â
But guess what...
The same kid thinks the hippos are a bunch of wimps,
because they don't do anything. So he starts speaking even
more crap, which is disgusting. And everybody in the
neighborhood starts to think that the hippos REALLY ARE
little diaper babies without brains.
The same kid thinks the hippos are a bunch of wimps,
because they don't do anything. So he starts speaking even
more crap, which is disgusting. And everybody in the
neighborhood starts to think that the hippos REALLY ARE
little diaper babies without brains.
Â
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