Real Ultimate Power (19 page)

—Ancient Chinese Proverb

T
he Official Ninja Game is a chance to bring together everything that you've learned from the book and have some great fun with your buddies.

 

 

 

The winner is the ninja that accumulates the most N-points (ninja points) in a specified amount of time. The preferable time frame is one day to one week.

 

Points are achieved by performing activities that are honorable, sweet, or crazy, according to the standards set by
REAL Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book.
An honorable act is honorable according to The Ninja Code of Honor. For example, peeing on a friend's back is honorable. A sweet act is an act that is just plain sweet. For example, doing a naked back flip into a lake is pretty sweet. A crazy act is an act that is pretty nuts. For example, giving a speech while doing the splits the entire time is pretty absurd (unless you're doing a speech on the splits—then it's just natural).

 

Each activity must be seen by at least one homey.

 

The point value is rated on the Flipometer
, where a point value of “1” is a
neat
honorable, sweet, or crazy act. And a point value of ”10” is a
totally sweet
honorable, sweet, or crazy act. (So it's possible to perform a totally sweet, sweet act.)

 

After all the points have been totaled for the specified time period, the player with the most N-points wins.

 

Note, each player is on the honest system. Lying about doing something cool is not cool.

Benjamin Franklin is good. He helped make the Declaration of Independence AND invented electricity. He was born in Boston in 1707. He was always questing to be perfect. He invented the slogan “practice makes perfect.” We should all try to be perfect everyday. But, eventually, Benjamin Franklin never became perfect. And there was a revolution, not because of him, though. Many people died in the war, except Benjamin Franklin. He lived in Boston.

On April 17, 1790, Benjamin Franklin finally died. Over 20,000 people attended his funeral. But his life is best summed up by the epitaph on his gravestone “Goodbye everyone, till we meet again in heaven with our dad, Jesus Christ.”

Benjamin Franklin killed somebody once. And he porked a turtle, too—a big one. Let me explain.

 

August 2, 6:19
P.M
.
Benjamin Franklin left his home to meet Joseph Quimby, a typesetter whom Franklin befriended twenty-one hours prior. It was not uncommon those days for two people to develop a friendship for the stupidest reasons. And Mr. Quimby and Mr. Franklin did just that. They had first met at a roller rink. Both men wore a size ten-and-a-half skate and there was only one pair of size ten-and-a-half skates left at the rink. This produced scuffling. But Franklin had an idea. He had Mr. Quimby stand next to him, side by side, and they fastened their belts together. Now, with Franklin on the left side and Quimby on the right, Franklin put on the left skate, while Quimby put on the right. And together, for at least fifteen minutes, they locked arms and skated as one. Several people gasped, but got over it. And afterward, they decided to be friends and exchanged numbers. But that's neither here nor there. What's important is that in one hour, Quimby would be dead and Franklin would be inside another species.

 

August 2, 6:49
P.M
.
Franklin arrived at the Quimby residence. It was warm outside, but not too warm.

 

August 2, 6:50
P.M
.
Quimby answered the door. They began fighting.

 

August 2, 6:52
P.M
.
The two stopped fighting and Quimby invited Franklin inside for coffee. According the maid, Katherine O'Foley, the pair sat in the study and looked out the window for five minutes. They were friends now and everybody knew it.

 

August 2, 7:02
P.M
.
After some chitchat, Franklin confronted Quimby about thinking he was too cool to hang out with him. According to the maid, Quimby denied the accusation and tried to explain why he didn't hang out earlier that afternoon. But when Franklin began screaming, Ms. O'Foley ran from the house to find help. What happened thereafter is pure speculation.

 

August 2, approximately 7:15
P.M
.
Evidence from the scene suggests that Quimby ran behind his desk and hid underneath. Franklin then turned over the desk and dragged Quimby toward the center of the room. There, Franklin scratched up the victim's face with his claws and bit his chest open.

 

August 2, approximately 7:20
P.M
.
As the victim's body lay face up, Franklin unzipped his tights and urinated on it, repeating, “We destroy to rebuild—and through this process comes perfection. But, in the end, we discover perfection is also empty, just as a friendship founded on roller skates.” Before finishing, Franklin noticed a hairless green head peering through the window, fogging up the pane with panic. This little head was attached to a Galapagos turtle,
²⁶⁷
who had
seen everything.
Mr. Franklin scurried to the window. Determined to escape, the turtle tried desperately to walk away, but the old man was pissed. Franklin grabbed the turtle and slapped him on Quimby's chest. Instinctively, the animal retracted all its limbs inside the impenetrable shell.

 

August 2, approximately 7:24
P.M
.
After having little success cracking it open, Benjamin Franklin had the idea to get the turtle to peak his head out the shell. So, once again, he unzipped his tights and, with his chicken-colored chest exposed, he lay with the turtle in feigned passion. Appalled, the turtle popped his head out to reprimand the assailant. But just then, Franklin grabbed the head with his thumb and forefinger and, with a light tug, detached it from the body and popped it in his mouth like a peanut.

 

Benjamin Franklin died on April 17, 1790. Over 20,000 people attended his funeral. But his life is best summed up by the epitaph on his grave-stone: “Yo, I invented electricity—so get out of my face.”

Kicking people is bad. Many people get seriously hurt from kicking each year and they should not have to live with that. Nobody should. And when some people can't control themselves, stuff like that happens. People like me, who can't control themselves, have to realize that other people have dreams and fantasies they can't pursue if they get kicked. Other people deserve better. Therefore, kicking is bad and people shouldn't ever do it, because it's wrong and it ruins the lives of everyone involved. I promise I will never do it again. And I apologize to Margaret and her family.