Real Man Adventures (21 page)

I know what I would like to think, but the truth is I have no clue.

I sometimes think that I wish I had just been born male, and didn’t have to become a man over my lifetime. But I probably more often think the opposite. That I am happy with where I started. Because it has made me the person I ended up.
Barf
. And I love my body just the way it is.
Barf
again. And my wife says she loves me and my body exactly how I am, which I don’t believe because of something (personal) she said to me one time. Which I probably took the wrong way and totally out of context, naturally, because it was vaguely related to my biggest fear about my inadequacies and how they will one day cause her to fall out of love with me and leave me for a real man, like Harrison Ford.

The truth is, the only thing I would change about myself, the single thing I hate and consistently wish were different and never waver on—and KNOW that life would be significantly better if I could just attain… it’s not that much to ask, and it may sound vain but I really don’t care… I would sincerely like a measly three or four more fucking inches of height.

_______________________________

1.
As my family used to say, given we were living in Southern California.

2.
Not to mention:
Does this knit poncho make me look fat?

3.
“They’re, like, four carats of diamonds, and then they’re gold python, and they’re made of gold… I’ve got insecurity issues, apparently. Hahahaha!” —Dana Wilkey on
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
, season 2, episode 5.

4.
To be fair, there were two occasions—one in July 2010, the other in December 2011—when my mother stroked my face in a sweet, motherly way and said, “You look so handsome tonight.” Which was, if I’m being honest, extremely touching and generous, even though I was embarrassed both times (for myself, of course, not her).

1.  Woody Allen

2.  Justin Bieber

3.  Humphrey Bogart

4.  Sonny Bono

5.  (Lil) Bow Wow

6.  Mel Brooks

7.  James Cagney

8.  Kenny Chesney

9.  Richard Dreyfuss

10.  Jermaine Dupri

11.  Emilio Estevez

12.  Tina Fey’s husband

13.  Michael J. Fox

14.  Seth Green

15.  Dustin Hoffman

16.  Peter Jackson

17.  Billy Joel

18.  Charlie Kaufman

19.  Nathan Lane

20.  Spike Lee

21.  Lil Wayne

22.  Peter Lorre

23.  Bruno Mars

24.  Dudley Moore

25.  Rick Moranis

26.  Willie Nelson

27.  John Oates

28.  Joe Pesci

29.  Roman Polanski

30.  Prince

31.  Daniel Radcliffe

32.  Tony Robinson

33.  Mickey Rooney

34.  Nicolas Sarkozy

35.  Martin Scorcese

36.  Paul Simon

37.  Sisqó

38.  David Spade

39.  Jon Stewart

40.  Elijah Wood

_______________________________

1.
#37 being debatably “successful,” depending on your feelings about 2000’s “Thong Song.” I once hung around Sisqó backstage at a Backstreet Boys concert (yes, I was backstage at a Backstreet Boys concert), and I virtually towered over him, so I wanted to include him on this list because he and #40 are the only two guys I’ve actually stood beside in person. Though I did run into Martin Sheen, the father of #11, at a natural grocery store in Los Angeles one time, and I have to say, that dude looked about my height, too, so he could probably go on this list as well. How about that? A five-foot-five president of the United States.

TC: D
O YOU HAVE
another job besides dancing?

REDICKULOUS: I like to keep what I do personal, but yes, I have another job, at a corporate headquarters.

TC: Do your coworkers know what else you do for a living?

RD: They know, but I don’t discuss it. My job knows, I talked to
corporate, so they know.

TC: When did you start dancing?

RD: I was already a popular exotic dancer, but it really took off after the show aired. I was retiring last year, but I was requested by Phaedra [Parks, a subject on
RHOA
] to come on the show. Now I got bookings through the end of the year.

TC: But how and when did you get into dancing originally?

RD: A friend suggested I start doing it in 2007, so I entered a local amateur competition, and I won. I was the first Mr. Exotic Dancer Universe, and I’ve been performing internationally since two months after I started dancing.

TC: When did you realize something was different or exceptional about you?

RD: [
defensive
] I don’t do that offstage, only onstage. Okay, so I know how to do it. It’s like this: when I perform, that’s not all I do, it’s just one of my tricks.
²

TC: What are some other tricks you do onstage?

RD: I don’t want to give any of those away. People should come to my show to find out what I do.

TC: Oh, okay. Well, what about your other gift, the one you were born with? I mean, how did you realize you were better endowed than most guys?

RD: It wasn’t something I gave any thought to. Hold on, I have another call. My momma’s calling right now. [
A minute goes by
] Okay.

TC: Does your momma know what you do?

RD: Yeah, my mom and dad know.

TC: Are they supportive?

RD: Yeah, [
laughing
] both my mom and my dad are supportive of what I do.

TC: I’m, well…. Here’s the thing: I’m not the most well-endowed guy. Can you tell me if there are any downsides to having a really big penis?

RD: Um, not really. Not sexually, no. But it gets annoying when everybody wants to see it, or talk about it. That’s one of the downsides.

TC: Do you ever wish you were just, like, normal?

RD: Not really, no. But I am a lot of other things, too. I was in the military,
³
I went to school and got a degree. I was married, divorced. There are other things I’m known for.

TC: Like it’s nobody’s business unless you share it with them, or when you’re working?

RD: Yeah, most people I meet don’t know that’s what I do outside of when they meet me. I have to invite them into that world. But if someone already knows who I am, they’re a fan or something and they want to talk about ReDICKulous all the time, it never goes anywhere. In the first five to fifteen minutes, I can figure out if somebody knows.
⁴
So I control conversation, and I can cut it off.

TC: Are you in a relationship with anybody right now?

RD: Yes, but I know how to separate the two. I separate what I need to do when it comes to handling business and [my personal life].

TC: Has business taken off since the show, has your rate gone up?

RD: Yeah, it has.

TC: Can you quit your regular job if you want to?

RD: Yeah, I could.

TC: What is your rate now, if you don’t mind my asking?

RD: My booking fee is minimum $500, plus travel and lodging, and that’s just for a walk-through appearance. If I perform, it’s more like $1,000 to $1,500, plus I have a rider.

TC: What’s in your rider, what do you require—

RD: Nothing sexual or anything.
⁵

TC: I mean, what kind of requirements do you have for your gigs?

RD: Oh, it includes different stuff. Like a special drink for the performance, or stuff I need for the show that I can’t fly with because of security hazards. But that’s it.

TC: Security hazards?

RD: —

TC: What do you drink before you go onstage?

RD: Usually 151 and Coke.

TC: What percentage of your business is gay vs. straight?

RD: I started in gay events, [but] I’d say it’s half and half now. Money is money. It doesn’t matter; if you book me, you book me. I don’t pick and choose gay or straight,
⁶
I pick and choose [based] on who’s about paying me and business.

TC: Do you ever just, like, not feel like it? Like, shit, I have to go do all that again, and don’t feel like getting it up?

RD: When it comes to work, I know what I have to do, and I do it. And then I turn around and come back home. I don’t stay in a city any longer than I have to. I mean, I’ve been doing this so long, I’ve been everywhere. I’ve seen all the attractions.

TC: I know a lot of guys will…. Do you ever have to supplement with Viagra?

RD: I have done it. It depends. I try not to have any sexual contact for twenty-four hours before a show, so then I don’t need that.

TC: You know, there’s, uh, [
uncomfortable
] so much emphasis placed on penis size in our culture, and how that does or doesn’t translate
in the world—

RD: I’m outside right now, so I can’t hear you…

TC: How big is your member, exactly? Or do you not talk about that?

RD: No, I tell people. [
quietly
] It’s eleven and a half.
⁷
I don’t like when people put that on [event] flyers, though. It kind of upsets me, because that’s not anybody’s business until they come to a show. You can promote my name, but never put [my penis size] on there. Nowadays everybody just puts on their flyers and radio ads that I’m from the
Atlanta Housewives
show, so…

TC: Did you hear about this guy in North Carolina who died trying to give himself a blow job?

RD: No.

TC: His heart compressed and they found him dead in bed at a weekly motel. Do you ever worry about that?

RD: No, I’m not worried about that.

TC: Well, he was apparently pretty overweight, so I guess that’s probably not going to be an issue for you.

RD: —

TC: So how did you discover that you were able to do that?

RD: I was asked to do it by the MC of a show, back when I was an amateur. So I tried it, and it actually happened.

TC: Do you ever wish you were known for something else?

RD: I mean, I haven’t always been known for this. People I went to high school with didn’t know, but I was much smaller then.

TC: You don’t remember the specific time when you realized, like, I’ve got more than the average guy?

RD: Well, I have a twin brother, and I’m sure he’s well-endowed based on what females [he’s been with] have told me.

TC: So you knew only through hearing it from them?

RD: No. There was also this one time I was sitting on the toilet, and my dick fell into the water.

TC: [
beat
] You never asked your twin brother, like, Hey, does your dick ever fall into the toilet water, or anything like that?

RD: No. I never did.

_______________________________

1.
Stage name of an Atlanta-based male exotic dancer who appeared on Bravo network’s
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
reality TV show in late 2011. ReDICKulous is essentially known for two things: 1) his (literally) big, swinging dick, one of the largest around, and 2) his ability to perform autofellatio—oral sex with himself.

2.
At this point, I had no idea what he was going off about… I was of course just myopically focused on his massive member as though it was the key to unlocking the secret of the universe, but then it occurred to me: he was referring to autofellatio. I had been planning to ease into the subject of autofellatio, but ever since the show, all anybody wants to talk to him about is his ability to give himself a blow job, and he was (understandably) a little chippy about it.

3.
He worked with artillery, as a cannon crew member on tanks (not making this up).

4.
Dude, I get it; I have exactly the same opposite problem.

5.
Chippy again. I swear I hadn’t even been thinking anything like that.

6.
ReDICKulous identifies as bisexual, incidentally.

7.
I’m 99 percent sure he means erect. FYI: The world-record largest penis is 13.5 inches (erect).