Real Man Adventures (14 page)

ME: Do you really—in complete honesty—think I was trying to kill you?

MY BROTHER: Thinking back, no. I just saw something in your eyes that told me you didn’t know what you were doing. You used to get so mad sometimes.

ME: Here’s one of my strongest memories of you from when we were kids: You were spear-fishing in front of the house, and I was tagging along. I was on the sand, and you were out in the water, and then you came in and there was blood all over your foot and ankle. You had been tracking a fish while floating on the surface and when it swam under you and you released the spear toward it, your foot got in the way and the spear went through your heel, like in between your Achilles tendon and the bone. Did this really happen, or I should say, do you remember this incident? And if it did happen, is my memory of it somewhat close to yours?

MY BROTHER: Well, you’re correct about where the spear went through my foot, but this is how it happened. I was spear-fishing off the big rock with a spear I had made from a wooden broomstick or dowel. I had attached a steel three-prong frog sticker tip I had gotten
from the hardware store, and a rubber sling on the other end. I was using the old yellow long board that Dad got for me at a garage sale on the road when I was around ten, I think. Anyway, when I was paddling in and got to shore into about knee-deep water, I put the surfboard under my right arm and the sling part of the spear around my right wrist and started to walk out of the water. I was hit by a large wave and knocked down on my right side. One of the prongs with a barb on it stuck me on the inside of my heel where you remembered correctly, but the spear was lying on the sand with the surfboard trapped between me and the spear. Every time I tried to get up I couldn’t because the spear was holding me down with the board on top of it. That’s all I remember. I don’t really know how I got out of that mess with the waves hitting me and all, but I do remember that I had to really work that barb around for a while before I could get it out. It hurt like hell.

ME: Do you think about being adopted often? How often? Every day? Once a week? When does it come up? Did you think about it more when you were younger?

MY BROTHER: I don’t think about it at all now, but I remember when I was about sixteen I had a long talk about it with Mom and Dad. I don’t really remember what my issue was, but I remember I was having issues. I also had a talk with them about eight years ago about my biological parents because I needed to know about inherited medical issues. At the time I was having heart problems and had some plaque in my heart and the doctors wanted to know if I had a history of that in the family.

ME: Do you think the fact that you were adopted and older and I was biological and younger has made a difference over the years as far as how we were raised, how Mom and Dad treated us?

MY BROTHER: No. At least I don’t think it was an issue with me. I think you always felt that they liked me over you, but I think you were wrong.

ME: Do you know how I found out you were adopted? Our cousins were in town visiting, playing with me on my bed, and one of them, I think it was —, was like, “S— is so cute, I want to marry him,” and I was like, “You can’t marry him, he’s your cousin,” and she was like, “No he’s not. He’s not even your real brother.” I was really upset and cried. Mom and Dad said they told me that you were adopted a lot before, but I guess things sink in when they sink in with kids. Do you remember when you realized you were adopted? Did Mom and Dad tell you, and what do you remember of that?

MY BROTHER: I never knew that happened to you. — was such a bitch. She still is, I think. As far as what I remember or when they told me, I have no specific memory of it. It’s like I just always remembered that I knew it. I think they started telling me about it very, very young. The story they tell now is that when they told me I said to them, “You mean that you stole someone else’s baby?” I don’t remember saying that, I was too young.

ME: Did you want to find your birth parents ever for non-health-related reasons?

MY BROTHER: No. Other than medical history, it doesn’t really matter to me.

ME: What do you know about them? Mom told me one thing about the time she almost met your birth mother at a hotel in downtown L.A. or something. She didn’t end up talking to her face-to-face, maybe just Aunt Ricki and Dad did. Do you know this story, have you heard it? Maybe I imagined it.

MY BROTHER: Wow! I never knew that. They never said anything to me about it.

ME: How do you think your being adopted affects how you feel about your daughter not getting to know that you’re her birth father? Do you think she’ll ever learn that you’re her biological dad?

MY BROTHER: That one I think about a lot. I mean at least five times a day. I think it’s a very different thing to be adopted as opposed to [my daughter] M—’s situation. M— will learn one day soon that I am her real father and that I was lied to about her existence. I don’t want her to think that I was part of any of the deception she had to endure. I want her to know I loved her from the day I saw her for the first time, and I never gave up trying to be in her life.

ME: Do you think you’ll have more kids?

MY BROTHER: I would like to, but at the rate I’m going and considering the issues I have with trust, I really don’t know if I ever will. I think about it every day.

ME: Now that I have two (step)children, I’m seeing firsthand what it’s like to raise kids who aren’t related to you biologically. I’m not sure I could feel more for them or that I could be more influential in their lives if I were actually related to them biologically. But then again, I don’t have my own biological kids, so I have nothing to compare to. I think maybe you can’t know unless you have both adopted and biological children, like Mom and Dad—or Brad and Angelina. Have you ever asked them (Mom and Dad, not Brad and Angelina) if they felt a difference in their feelings toward you and me?

MY BROTHER: Actually, I did have a talk with them about you and me. I don’t remember when, but it was when we were kids and always fighting; I think I wasn’t even nine years old. I had issues because I needed more attention, I guess. They sat me down and told me that they loved us both the same and that I couldn’t have all the attention and I needed to try to understand. I doubt I understood but it was something that I would have figured out eventually with a little age.

ME: We used to call you King Jesus. Well, we still do sometimes. Do you think that title was earned at all?

MY BROTHER: I suppose it was, but I really can’t pinpoint it.

ME: Do you think we would’ve been closer growing up if we had been less than seven and a half years apart in age?

MY BROTHER: That’s a good question. I think because we had different interests and friends that we never could be as close as we could have been if we were just a few years apart.

ME: Would you say you were a happy kid?

MY BROTHER: Yeah, I think so. Although I definitely would change a few of the choices I made.

ME: Would you say I was?

MY BROTHER: I think you were. I’m probably wrong, though, since you are asking the question.

ME: Did you ever walk in on Mom and Dad having sex? I don’t think I ever did.

MY BROTHER: Thank God, I never did either.

ME: Would you say I’ve “been there” for you over the years?

MY BROTHER: Yes and no. I never really come to you with any of my problems, so how could you be there for me? On the other hand, when I did come to you with an issue, then I would say definitely yes. What comes to mind is the M— thing. You were the first
person I went to and you were there for me. I never said thank you. So, thank you.

ME: Ain’t no thing. Would you say you’ve “been there” for me?

MY BROTHER: Probably not. Partly because I don’t think you ever needed or came to me with anything, but I would be there if you did. By the way, the few times you have confided in me, I’ve always honored your wishes and never told Mom or Dad.

ME: How many times have you actually thought about killing yourself? I was scared you were going to do that when I was younger. Was that an empty concern of mine?

MY BROTHER: I don’t think I was ever really serious. Just a silly young boy. I view killing oneself as cowardice.

ME: Remember when you picked me up from middle school one day? I think it was when Gammy was dying in the hospital. [Your girlfriend at the time] Lisa was in the car, too. I think you took me to Westwood or something. Do you remember that day at all? I just have an image of me leaning between the two front seats and us waiting on Wilshire to turn left onto Veteran. I don’t remember much else—except that you never picked me up from school, so it was a different day for some reason.

MY BROTHER: I honestly don’t remember any of that. I do remember sitting next to Gammy in the hospital and holding her
hand. The next day she died, but we weren’t there.

ME: That makes me sad. I wanted to be like you very much when we were younger. Did you know that?

MY BROTHER: Really? I didn’t know that. I didn’t think you liked the same stuff that I did.

ME: Why do you think we don’t talk a lot now? Do you think that if we lived in the same city we’d see each other more than we talk now?

MY BROTHER: I don’t know exactly why, but I would like to see and talk to you more. I just get the feeling you don’t want to and have other things to do. Maybe I’m guilty of that too. I think if we lived closer we would make time, but ultimately I have no good excuse. Actually I’m a bit of a recluse and don’t talk to anyone much. It’s not just you.

ME: What’s the most fucked-up thing you remember from childhood? I always think about your friend Shane who died when he snorted rat poison, thinking it was cocaine. What did you think when that was happening, when he was dying in front of you? And when he initially offered you the powder to snort, too, why didn’t you do it? (I’ve never, not once, tried any drug that you snort because of that incident.) Do you ever think about him and that moment when you guys found the stuff?

MY BROTHER: I don’t know what I was thinking when that happened. All I remember is that I was scared, scared for Shane, myself, and I didn’t fully understand what was happening. I don’t know why I didn’t do it. I used to think about him a lot for about ten years after that, but I don’t really think about it much now. Mostly I would think what his life would’ve been like if he hadn’t died, and if he would’ve had a family. I never really thought about what would have happened if I’d tried it because I know what would’ve happened—I would’ve died, like him. So I didn’t try it and I didn’t die. That’s about the extent of it. I’m really glad you never tried that shit. No one needs any more monkeys on his back than life already gives us.

ME: Were there some ways growing up that I was more like a brother than a sister?

MY BROTHER: No, not really. But then again you’re the only sibling I have ever grown up with, and if you’ve always felt like you were male in gender then I suppose I wouldn’t know how it would be to grow up with a sister.

ME: What’s your biggest fear about me being transgender?

MY BROTHER: There are only two issues I have, but I’m not sure I would call them fears. The first is, that you are going to screw up your body with the hormones and will end up with a trade-off of a shorter life than you would have not taking them. The second is, you have or will get to a point where the change is irreversible, and then
at some point you will come to the conclusion that you have made the wrong decision.

ME: Did it help you to talk to [my close friend] T— about it at my wedding?

MY BROTHER: Yes, it did. In a way I felt like she had a deeper understanding of what you are going through. We did talk a bit privately about you, and she helped me understand how important it was for me to refer to you as my brother, and use “he” when I talked to people at the wedding. I did make the rare and occasional “she” mistake, but if T— was near me, she would correct me with a stink-eye or sometimes a swift smack in the shoulder.

ME: Do you feel like who I am essentially is the same, or different since I started going by “he”?

MY BROTHER: [
Left blank
]

ME: Who do you think is more of a disappointment to Mom and Dad: me or you?

MY BROTHER: I don’t think either one of us is a disappointment to them in any way. I will say that I think they might be more disheartened at how my life has turned out than yours has.

ME: Have you ever picked up a transgender suspect in the course of
your job?
¹
Where did you hold her (or him), in male or female sections of jail or the precinct or whatever it’s called?

MY BROTHER: Actually it’s unusual if I don’t arrest at least one transgender a month. I come in contact with them almost on a daily basis. Where they go in the jail system depends on if they have completed the sex change. In our department males get housed with males, and females with females. It doesn’t matter what they were “before,” only what they are now.

Trannies and gays
²
are a little different, in that if they’re all made up with makeup and dresses and stuff, we usually keep them away from straights for their own safety. The only required question we ask them is if they are straight, gay, or bi. We put them with like others, so they don’t get raped or beaten up. If they eventually go to state prison, they aren’t allowed to wear makeup and are housed with other like genders. Again, the transgender in prison are housed depending on if they have complete sex changes. It’s really not a big deal at all from what I have seen. I have arrested a few males that have had really nice big boobies installed, but they still have a penis. These guys usually are housed by themselves, as you can imagine what would happen if they were put in general population. I don’t know for sure how they house them in
state prison, but if they have a penis they probably go with other males.

ME: I would imagine you’ve heard some pretty awful shit said about transgender people while on the job. How does it make you feel when people say stuff like that, knowing you’re related to one?