Reach For the Spy (37 page)

“I was thinking of
doing a recorded message. I can run it through my freebie
sound-processing software to distort it.”

“That’ll work.” We
looked at each other and sighed simultaneously. “Good luck,” he
added.

When we returned to the
office area, Hellhound was just getting up from Kane’s chair.

“Got everything?”
Spider inquired.

“Yeah.” Hellhound
picked up a file box from the corner of the desk. “I’ll get outta
here so ya can lock up.”

“Me, too,” I seconded
the motion and followed him out. Spider flipped off the lights and
turned to lock the door as we went down the walk.

Hellhound’s Forester
was parked in front of my car, and I nodded toward it. “What, a
nice day like this and you’re not on your bike?”

He opened the rear door
to slide the box in. “Nah. Hadta carry the file box. Didn’t feel
like tryin’ to strap it down.”

We both lifted a hand
in farewell to Spider as he drove off. I turned to look up
Hellhound. “How are you doing?”

My heart smote me at
the sight of his face. I could erase that weary pain with a few
simple words.

He shrugged. “I’m okay.
Been better, but ya know how it goes.”

I took his hand and
stroked it, trying to remind myself how important it was to keep
Kane’s secret.

What would it matter if
I whispered the truth in Arnie’s ear? I knew I could trust him to
keep his mouth shut. But then there was Doug Kane. How could I tell
Arnie the good news, but forbid him to relieve his adopted father’s
pain? And what about Spider? And what if Kane ended up dying after
all?

When I looked up at him
again, some of my struggle must have shown. His face softened as he
misunderstood my troubled expression, and he stroked my hair.

“Aw, darlin’. I was
gonna head back tonight, but I think I’ll stay at the hotel
instead. Come on back with me, an’ we can make it all go away for a
little while.”

I had a moment of
discomfort as I gazed up at him. Despite my defiant thoughts of
sampling the herd, it seemed a little sleazy to have sex with two
different men within a day of each other.

Observant as always, he
caught my hesitation. “It’s okay if ya ain’t in the mood. I’ll just
head on home.”

His voice and
expression were casual. If I hadn’t known him, I would have thought
he couldn’t care less, but his eyes betrayed him.

Any qualms I might have
had evaporated in the knowledge that he needed me tonight. I could
offer him comfort, if only for a little while. And besides, we’d
been lovers long before anything happened with Kane.

I squeezed his hand.
“Let’s go. Can I ride over with you? I don’t want to leave my car
at the hotel.”

He frowned down at me.
“Ya bein’ watched here?”

I shrugged. “I don’t
know, but I’d rather not be seen at the hotel.” I didn’t bother to
explain the consequences of my last appearance at the hotel. I knew
he’d accept my preference without question. I slid into the
passenger seat and held his hand while we drove away.

In the pink light of
sunrise, I leaned over to kiss Hellhound one more time before I got
out of his SUV. “Thanks for bringing me back.”

He chuckled. “Well, I
wasn’t gonna make ya walk.”

“That’s good, because
my knees are still shaking after this morning.”

He captured my lips in
a lingering kiss. His gifted fingers slid through my hair and
traced a feather-light caress down the side of my neck. I shivered
at the brush of his whiskers and his deep growl in my ear.
“Checkout time ain’t ‘til eleven, darlin’. An’ I still got half a
box of condoms.”

I pulled away
reluctantly and grinned at him. “You always travel with a whole box
of condoms?”

“Hell, yeah. ‘Specially
if I might see ya.” His cheerful leer did my heart good. “I promise
I’ll put a smile on your face. Again.” He bounced his eyebrows.

I slid out of the
vehicle before I could change my mind, and leaned in the open door.
“You always do put a smile on my face. Any other time, I’d take you
up on that, but I have to do some important work stuff this
morning. See you. Drive safe.”

“See ya, darlin’.”

I watched him drive
away before hopping in my car to head for home, still smiling.

I was only a couple of
miles out of town when a movement from the back seat caught my eye.
Adrenaline jolted through me when I realized the collapsible seat
back was opening into the interior, and a dark-haired man started
to push his head and shoulders through the opening.

I slammed on the brakes
in horrified déjà vu. Kane’s body thumped against the back of my
seat as the car swerved wildly.

“Aydan, it’s me! Keep
driving!” Kane righted himself in the back seat while I
hyperventilated.

I concentrated on
keeping the car on the road, trying to loosen my deathgrip on the
wheel.

“Jesus, John, what the
hell!” I stammered finally. “I damn near crashed the car!”

“Sorry,” he
grunted.

I drove for another
mile or so before I calmed down enough to talk. “What the hell are
you doing in my trunk? I thought you were going to stay around the
farm.”

“Change in plans,” he
said shortly. “You’ve got guards in your yard now. Probably Stemp
watching for me.”

I glanced at his frown
in the rear-view mirror. “How did you get away from the
guards?”

“Stole Rossburn’s truck
and ditched it halfway to town. Walked in the rest of the way.”

“How did you find
me?”

“Followed you when you
left Sirius yesterday.”

I threw an incredulous
glance over my shoulder. “Where were you? I didn’t even see
you.”

He scowled and jerked a
shoulder. “I’m a spy.”

I put two and two
together with a sinking sensation. If he’d been following me all
evening, I had a hunch as to why he sounded so terse. His next
words confirmed my suspicions.

“How’s Hellhound?”

I met his eyes in the
mirror. “He’s suffering. Unnecessarily.”

“But you made it all
better for him last night.”

I jammed on the brakes
and steered the car over to the shoulder.

“Keep driving,” Kane
growled.

“No.” I twisted around
in the seat to face him. “Get up here and talk to me. Say what you
really want to say.”

“I don’t have anything
to say.”

“You’re upset because I
was with Hellhound last night.”

“Who or what you do is
none of my business. I don’t have any claim on you.”

I reined in my temper
with an effort and kept my voice as non-confrontational as
possible. “John, could we please just be honest about this? I’m
sorry if you’re hurt, but Arnie and I have been lovers off and on
since March. He needed me last night.” With heroic restraint, I
managed not to add, ‘Because of you.’

“Since March?” His
expression closed down. He sat in silence for a few moments. “So
all this time...” He took a deep breath. “I should have seen
that.”

“I’m sorry you had to
find out this way. Bad timing.”

He shrugged, his face
impassive. “So all this time, you’ve been screwing him and coming
onto me at the same time. What exactly do you want?”

I controlled my voice
with an effort. “Go ahead. Say it.”

“Say what?”

“Call me a slut. You
obviously want to.”

“No, I don’t want to.”
His voice was hard. “I just want to know where I stand with you.
Are you in love with him?”

“John...” I sighed.
“Look, could you please come and sit in the front seat so we can
talk comfortably? If you’re going to ask questions like that, this
is going to be a long, complicated conversation.”

He crossed his arms
over his broad chest, his muscles flexing as if battling an
invisible foe. “It’s not complicated. Are you in love with Arnie?
Yes or no?”

I clenched my fists in
my hair and flopped back into my seat to stare through the
windshield. “No. I care about him, a hell of a lot. But I’m not in
love with him. He’s not in love with me, either. We’re friends.
With benefits. That’s all it’ll ever be. That’s what we both
want.”

After a few seconds of
silence, I heard the back door open and close.

I blew out a long
breath. Fine. Whatever.

I was reaching to put
the car into gear when Kane opened the passenger door and slid
in.

“You should keep
driving,” he said quietly. “It’s too dangerous for us to sit here
out in the open. Take the next road to get us off the highway.”

I nodded and followed
his instructions. We drove in silence down the dusty gravel for a
mile or two. At last, he turned to me.

“Aydan...” He paused
and made a frustrated gesture. “I don’t know what you want from
me.”

I kept my eyes on the
road. “I don’t want anything from you.”

“Then what... Dammit,
it’s hard to believe I misunderstood your intentions when you had
your hand down my pants and your tongue in my mouth!”

“Hey, you had your
tongue in my mouth too,” I reminded him.

“Aydan, dammit...” He
stopped and took a deep breath.

“Anyway, you know damn
well you didn’t misunderstand my intentions,” I interrupted before
he could speak again. “But you told me flat out that you couldn’t
be anything more than friends with me. And then you showed up in my
bed. Now you’re mad because you changed the rules and I didn’t read
your mind.”

“Aydan, I... You know
this never would have...”

I nosed the car onto an
abandoned crossing and stopped so I could turn to face him. “I
know. It never would have happened if you hadn’t been drugged to
the eyeballs. So let it go. It was just sex. It doesn’t have to be
some big thing. If you want to go back to the way we were, that’s
fine with me. If you want to go forward being friends with
benefits, that’s fine, too. Just tell me what you want. Don’t
expect me to read your mind.”

“Are those my only
options?” Kane asked quietly.

“What else did you have
in mind?”

His fingertips brushed
my cheek. “Was it really just sex for you? Could we be more than
just friends with benefits?”

His hand dropped as he
read my expression. His face closed down.

“John...” I took his
hand and held it in both of mine. “What you’re asking for... I
don’t have that to give. Not to you, not to anybody. I’m
sorry.”

His eyes searched my
face. “Aydan, my life frequently depends on being able to read
people accurately. And I’d be willing to swear that you love
me.”

I turned away to study
the brilliant yellow field of canola in front of us. The wind
ruffled its surface, bright blossoms caught up in a sprightly
dance.

“Do you love me?” he
prompted softly.

I answered without
looking at him. “John, I don’t like to use that word. It’s too easy
to misinterpret.”

“What word do you want
to use, then?”

I sighed and pulled my
hands away to scrub at my face. “I... There are two kinds of love.”
I met his eyes. “In the first kind of love, you’re willing to give
your life
for
another person. You know I feel that way about
you. So yes, I love you.”

“There’s a but,” he
said flatly.

“But I don’t think
that’s what you’re asking for. In the other kind of love, you’re
willing to give your life
to
another person. That kind of
love comes with promises and commitment and a future. It’s... I
can’t offer that to anybody. I don’t have it to give. I just...” I
struggled for words.

“Just what?”

“I... nothing.” I took
his hand again. “If I had that kind of love to give,” I searched
his face, willing him to understand. “If I could, you’d be first in
line. But I can’t. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”

“But, Aydan, if this
was over... If we weren’t working together...”

“That’s not the reason.
It’s just me. I can’t.”

Kane sat in silence,
frowning. “It’s your other undercover op, isn’t it?” he asked
finally.

“No! I don’t have
another undercover op. I’m just fucked up, that’s all.”

“I don’t believe that.”
He gazed into my eyes. “I don’t know what’s holding you back, but I
know you’re worth waiting for. If things change for you, I’ll be
here.”

“Don’t!” I slid down in
the seat and held my head in my hands.

Dammit, I’d been so
careful to avoid attachments, and now I had one I’d never expected
staring me in the face.

I tried to soften my
voice. “I don’t want you to wait. It’s not fair to you. I can’t
give you what you want. You deserve somebody who can.”

He gently pulled my
hands away to search my face, his brow furrowed. “Aydan, I can see
you’re trying to do the right thing here, but...”

He stopped. Rubbed at
his forehead and blew out a long breath. “I should have known you
wouldn’t make a promise you can’t keep.”

After a short silence,
he gave me a twisted smile. “I wanted to believe we could have
something together. But I see what you mean about promises and
commitment. I guess I don’t have that to give, either. I never know
when I’ll have to vanish for months at a time. I can’t promise
fidelity because I never know what role I’ll need to assume when
I’m undercover. As for a future, I could be dead tomorrow.”

He paused. “I guess
that second kind of love can’t happen for people like us.”

We gazed at each other
for a few moments. “I’m sorry,” I said.

“Me, too.”

I gave him a hopeful
smile. “Friends with benefits?”

He sighed and shook his
head. “That wouldn’t work. I couldn’t pretend it was just sex for
me. It would drive me crazy to think you might be with another
man.” He grimaced. “And if the other man was Hellhound, it would
just feel... incestuous.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s
only incest if you and I are related.”