Razor's Edge (Afflictions) (17 page)

             
Nineteen

Morgan

Even though I smoked before she got here, my nerves through dinner bounced all over the place. We have a ton of crap to talk about, a lot of heavy stuff, but I avoided it. Kept the convo light so she could finish her meal. Now I have to tell her everything, and it’s taking all the guts I have to come out with it. This is a new feeling, not being able to spit out what I want to say when I’m high. I lead her down the stairs into my studio. This is the perfect place for this talk. It’s where I feel the most at home.

Everything in this basement is rustic. Old pieces of furniture from when I didn’t have the money I do now. I could throw it all out, but this is what keeps me grounded, keeps my head from getting too fat. It reminds me what I came from and how hard I had to work to get here. Being the silent owner of a decal store is easy. But building my web design business, racking up clientele, not so much.

I let go of Shay’s hand and watch her take in my favorite part of my house. Her brows pinch. “Huh?”

"You were expecting...?"

She plops down on the old leather couch that has duct tape covering various tears. Running her hand along the arm of it, her eyes follow the path her fingers create. "I just don’t know why someone who does so well, who earns as much as you do, wouldn’t want this space to be..."

I sit down next to her and laugh. "You mean more modern and flashy?"

She nods and looks down at her lap. Her delicate fingers are twiddling the hem of her hoodie. She glances up briefly then diverts her stare across the room. "Morgan." She takes a deep breath.

My knee bobs up and down like I’ve caught Shay’s nervousness. As if I wasn’t already before, now I’m hyper jacked up. My heart thumps unsteadily in my chest.
Just say it.

"Do you like my studio?"
Not what you were supposed to say, nimrod.

"I like it." She turns to face me on the couch, one leg bent under her thigh. "But that’s not what you invited me over to talk about. Is it?"

"No."

She bites her lip. "I know what you’re going to say." She takes a deep breath then goes to stand. "Look, it was sweet of you to say those things about taking on Gary. Wanting to help me with my problems. And you said some things earlier that if I were some other woman I might have taken them the wrong way."

I grab hold of her wrist and bring her closer to me. "I don’t–"

She shakes her head. "Let me finish." Back to biting her lip again. "We came to an agreement to be friends and co-parent. And that still stands. I know you didn’t mean any of those things you said. You were just sticking up for me."

I meant every damn word!
I pull her down into my lap so fast she lets out a squeal.

"What are you–" Her words are cut off by a giggle as I readjust her on my lap so she straddles me, and there’s that look. Her jaw is dropped and her eyes go wide.

God, I love surprising her. I run my fingers through her hair as her sweet scent encases me. I pull her head down to me. "You are so goddamn beautiful."

Her breath hitches and she takes a deep inhale. “Um…I don’t think friends—”

“I don’t want to co-parent anymore."

She tries to yank her head away from me. For a split second, hurt flashes in her eyes, before she narrows her brows.

I don’t ever want that look on her face. Shit. It’s all about the delivery, and that didn’t come out right. Should have lead with something else.

My mouth crushes hers and she resists for a moment. I need her to open up, to give me a chance. To let me show her what my words can’t say. I grip her hair, pull her closer to me and her resistance vanishes with the gentle graze of her tongue against mine.

I groan. I admire this woman. She’s strong, and the way she takes care of her son, loves him so selflessly. God, she’s everything my mother wasn’t. Ben’s lucky. She gives her love instead of demanding his. I couldn’t have picked a better mother for my child. Deep down, I’m craving. Starving for even a bit of what she gives to Ben and now our baby.

I cup her cheeks. "I want you." My lips ghost across hers and her breath hitches. This time when I come in I’m not as forceful, and it’s her tongue that enters my mouth in a soft tangle.

Her hands glide on each side of my neck to the back of my head, and she laces her fingers in my hair. Moaning, she deepens our connection with a slight shift of her hips as her tongue dives further into my mouth.

My hands abandon her cheeks and slowly slide down her sides. They stop at her waist, afraid that if they go any farther it will end the bliss she’s giving me. I tremble, fighting for the control not to grab her perfect ass.

Rocking her hips, her mouth travels to my ear. Her slight breath on my neck shoots lightening to my groin.

"What are we doing, Morgan?" she asks as she tilts her head to give me access to the creamy skin of her neck.

I kiss my way up to her ear. "I don’t know, but it feels right."

She stops rocking, sits back, and eyes me. "I can’t do this with you." She goes to stand, but my hands on her thighs keep her in place.

"Please, I can’t—I can’t just..." She shakes her head. "I’m too messed up to go here with you. What we’re doing isn’t right."

Isn’t right?
I thought I felt something. Was that one-sided?

She tucks a strand of white hair behind her ear and climbs off me. Saying nothing, she heads toward my stairs.

She’s running away from me?
No. This is not how this night was supposed to go. I was going to tell her how I feel, and she was going to say the same thing back. I knew it. Was so fucking sure of it. Then we would have sex and laugh and watch movies. Talk about our baby and bond. But I’m losing her.

I’m off the couch and over to her before she can hit the first step. I spin her around and back her up against the soundboard next to the staircase. She’s not going anywhere until she listens to what I have to say. If she still wants to escape afterward, so be it.

Her eyes are huge; a flicker of fear crosses them.

Why is she afraid of me? I don’t want to scare her. "I’m sorry, but you can’t just walk out without listening to me first." I kiss her. A moan rumbles in her chest. "There is something between us." I kiss her again. My heart is beating so fast it’s running away from the fear of rejection. "I want to explore."

"Morgan, please–"

I cut her off with another bare-all kiss. Pouring my craving for her into her, leaving myself open to be crushed if she doesn’t feel the same. Her fingers are in my hair again and give a slight tug, trying to pull me deeper into her embrace.

Leaving her delicious mouth, my lungs work overtime to take in oxygen. Gazing into the stormy seas of her eyes, my ship is sunk, and the pent-up words I’ve been trying to say all night leave my mouth. "You make me feel things, Shay. When you’re away from me, all I can do is think about you. I have no fucking clue what that means. I don’t want to hurt you, but..." Looking down, I run my hand lightly over her belly. "There’s something between us. And it’s not solely our baby." I look up at her, and her eyes dart away from me.

"What if you’re wrong?" Her eyes snap back to mine. "What if we carry this thing out and it destroys everything? It’s not just you and me. It’s us, this baby, and Ben. He worships you. He’s never had a dad, and I think he looks–" She shakes her head. "I can’t be that mom. The one who puts her child at risk because she can’t control how she feels toward a man."

My chest expands and my stomach jitters. She might make sense, but all I’m hearing is that she has the same feelings for me. "You can’t live life dodging what-ifs. If you do, nothing will happen. You taught me that, remember? The night I picked you up on the side of the road. When we were in my Hummer, and I had a case of the what-ifs. You can only live for now and do your best to plan for the future. And I know one thing. You will always be in my future whether you’re in my bed or not. And because of that, Ben will be in my future, too."

"What do you want from me, Morgan?" She sighs. "What do you want me to say? That I love you? Because I don’t. What I feel is lust. And lust never leads to anything good." Her head falls.

She’s got to be talking about douche bag. I tip her chin. She needs to see how freaking serious I am. "I don’t love you either. I don’t know how to love. But I’ll tell you one thing, Mama. I never wanted to know what it would be like until I met you. An attraction, chemistry, a bond, lust, whatever the hell you want to call it, it’s there. And we’d be pretty fucking stupid to deprive ourselves of seeing where it goes."

Shay

Morgan
sounds serious. The look in his eyes is nothing but. A chill goes through my body as my heart rate speeds up. Being with him would be an easy answer to all the Gary problems. I’d have someone in my corner who wouldn’t give up, because of the baby we share. But would it be easy on my heart?
It could be.
The voice inside me isn’t helping. I know, from experience, there is no such thing as love, and infatuation only causes problems.

"You’re right, but—" Morgan’s mouth crushes mine, stealing all my reservations about how this can go wrong. His body trembles as he presses me further into the soundboard in his studio. Forcing submission with devouring kisses and reminding me how good it can be with him.

All my inhibitions go
poof
. Funny how things go
poof
in times like these. Panties, thoughts, morals, and a sense of control. I tug on his hair.

He groans. His hand makes its way under my tank top, coming so close to that spot where I want him to be, my nipple. Hot anticipation shoots through me and I arch my back, pressing a breast into his roaming hand. Rolling the nipple between his fingers, his mouth leaves mine and blazes a path down my neck to my collarbone. Closing my eyes, I moan and give into the sensations.

He dots kisses up to my ear. "This time I’m undressing you." His voice is thick, gravelly, and twists my insides so tight; I grind my hips against the hard ridge in his jeans. He takes my tank top and rips it off. "Fucking Christ. You’re beautiful."

When I open my eyes he’s not looking at my breasts. His blue stare is on my face, but quickly travels down to what
he has revealed. His lips are swollen and he plays with the ring in between his teeth as he watches his hand skate across my tummy.

Tingles dance through me, and I bite my lip so I don’t laugh.

When he reaches the waistband of my pants, his eyes snap to mine. "I have to know." His husky voice sounds like he’s trying to gain some semblance of control. "Before we do this, I have to know where this thing leads."

Why in the hell did he have to say that?
The pounding in my chest and all the thoughts I ejected from my mind come rushing back. About how and why we shouldn’t go there. But it’s the look in his eyes, the vulnerability that does me in. To lay his feelings out before me.
He’s not Gary.
He’s a thousand times better. And he’s right. I’d be really stupid if I put a stop to us before we have the time to figure it out. I said he’d make a very lucky woman happy one day. So why can’t I be her?

I nuzzle up to his ear. "I want to."

He shucks my pants and thong then kneels down in front of me. Running his hands up my thighs, his eyes eat up my nakedness. Last time we were in this position I was embarrassed. Not anymore. He’s been here before, and my body remembers every slow touch and every heated lick.

Pulling my left ankle up to his mouth he lightly kisses just above the bone. Hot pleasure races up my thigh and slams into my core. I moan and arch back. Who the hell knew that was an erogenous zone? He gives me a moment to recover and when I look back down at him he’s grinning.

Okay, smart-ass.
So he knows a few things about pleasuring a woman. And now I’m dying for him to show me.

He continues his assault of gentle, torturous licks and sucks up my calf to the back of my knee, stopping just as he reaches the end of my inner thigh. The heat of his breath is so close to my pussy it throbs, wanting the same attention.
He looks up, a gleam flashes across his eyes and he runs a finger lightly down the crease.

My breath hitches.
So close.
For a minute I think he’s going to go there, instead he runs both hands down my leg, massaging all the way to the sole of my foot. "I love that look on your face."

"You’re a tease." I adjust my butt because it’s going numb from leaning against the soundboard. "We should—
ahhh..."

He begins the next slow torture session on my other leg, and all the discomfort is a fleeting memory. Ankle to inner thigh, I watch him watch me. A flood rushes, awaking every cell in my body. When he reaches the juncture between my legs, he gives one fast lick down the center and stands to take my mouth.

My hips jerk, and my hands fly to his belt buckle. The ache inside me is unbearable and I’m way beyond ready for him. His hands thread through my hair as he chuckles through our kiss. I bite his lip ring. He groans, and runs his hands down to cup my ass. Hard. He lifts me, forcing me to stop meddling with his belt so I can wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist.