Razing Kayne (32 page)

Kayne tried to keep from squirming.
So not what he wanted to have Jess hear, or to even think about, because he and Oksana
hadn’t had sex since long before Tasha was born.

“She had some sort of epiphany that day in the mountains. She told me she wanted to
change. She said she wanted to become a person worthy of being loved by someone like
you. She felt guilty that you worked so much to take care of her and the kids, and
yet she did nothing to contribute. She knew you resented that, though you tried to
hide it.”

Petra leaned forward, her expression earnest. “She was trying to change, Sasha. She
got rid of the house cleaner and had been doing the work herself. Not that you noticed,
Ana told us.” Petra
paused and laughed. “She even started taking a cooking class we offered here twice
a week.” Petra paused, swallowed hard,
then
gave another watery laugh. “She nearly burnt the kitchen down the first time she
tried to boil water for pasta. But she was so determined to please you she didn't
give up. She told me before she left that day that she was going to make you dinner
that night.”

Kayne closed his eyes, remembering the bag of groceries he'd found sitting in the
kitchen that day, inexplicably waiting to be put away. There'd been no receipt, no
bank card purchase recorded, and he'd not been able to explain why she'd purchased
items for what looked like a romantic dinner. There'd even been a box of condoms in
the bag, leaving Figueroa to wonder if Kayne had caught her having an affair and killed
her and the children in a fit of rage.

Petra’s words pulled him out of the memory. “Her biggest obstacle was the children.
I don't think she could look at them without remembering her other baby and all of
the horror that revolved around that time in her life.”

“So why would she work in a daycare?” Kayne’s voice was raw with emotion. “That makes
no sense.”

“She was to work in the office as my administrative assistant. The hourly pay wasn't
much, barely double digits, but she negotiated free daycare out of me instead of health
benefits since you already covered them through your job. With three children, that
benefit nearly doubled her wage. She knew that with the money you'd save in daycare,
along with her take-home pay, you could quit working overtime. She wanted you to be
able to spend time with your children. She knew you hated coming home after they were
asleep and leaving before they woke up.”

Kayne couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't stand here, knowing Jess was
having
to listen to all of this in hopes that Petra would reveal something useful. He couldn't
readjust his opinion of Oksana either. He'd hated her for too long. Kayne looked down,
only to realize he was rubbing his palm over his heart where his chest ached. “Were
the kids with her that day?”

Petra shook her head. “No. I don't know who watched them. When the officer came by
days after the murder asking more questions, I wondered. I asked Myla because I was
sure Oksana had said she was the one watching the kids that day, but Myla said Oksana
had changed her mind and used someone else.”

Kayne slammed his fist down on top of a file cabinet. “Myla ended up dying in Payson
a week later in a car accident. She had Tasha with her.”
Goddamn it!

***

Kayne didn't say a word after they left the community center. They were back in Santa
Barbara, pulling into the police parking lot, when he finally erupted. “Two years.
Two fucking years of my daughter's life lost to me, because someone didn't ask the
right goddamn questions; because you guys relied on a civilian to translate during
a murder investigation. Jesus Christ, I almost ate my service weapon because I didn't
know how to go on without my kids. Tasha could have been killed that night instead
of just Jarred. Because you fucked up and didn’t enter a goddamned serial number into
NCIC, Tasha was left to be raised by strangers instead of me. I was forced to marry
Jess to have rights to my own daughter, or risk losing her again.”

Jess grabbed her purse and bag,
then
paused. “Kayne's right. Jarred would still be alive and no one would have been forced
to be married to anyone they didn't want to be married to.” Jess quietly climbed out
of the car without waiting for a response.

“Son of a bitch!
Fuck, fuck,
fuck!
” Ka
y
ne jumped out of the car and went chasing after Jess. “Baby, wait.”

When he grabbed her arm, she jerked away. “Don't. Touch. Me. Just leave me alone,
I don't want to talk to you right now.”

“Baby, come on.” Kayne tried to take Jess into his arms. “I didn't mean that how it
sounded.”

Jess held up her hand, warning him off. “I'm taking a cab to the hotel. You and Detective
Figueroa can do whatever you need to do. I can't do this anymore, I'm done.”

“No. I don't want you to be alone, Jess.”

“Too bad.
I was born and raised in America. I am not Jessica the daughter of, or Jessica the
wife of. I'm not your goddamned property. I get to make my own decisions, and I can
damn well take care of myself. I was doing just fine before you arrived and fucked
with my life, and I'll be fine after you’re gone too.”

“Jess, baby, please.”
He reached for her again
.
God, seeing her so upset was ripping out his already bruised and bloodied heart.

She dodged his hands. “Stay.
Away.
From.
Me.” Jess fumbled with her hands for a moment,
then
grabbed his. “This doesn't belong to me; you had it right the first time.” With that
she turned and fled.

Kayne looked down at the ring in his palm. Oh yeah, he'd fucked up.

THIRTY-FIVE

When Kayne finally got to the hotel, all he could think about was taking Jess in his
arms and trying to make things right. But there was a message waiting at the front
desk for him. It was short and to the point—Jess had flown home without him. Christ,
he wanted to hit something. He called home, and Trace confirmed she'd arrived safely.
And she didn't want to talk to him. Trace promised that he’d stay close until Kayne
returned. With no other choice, Kayne went upstairs to spend a sleepless night.
Alone.
Until he could catch a flight home.

He finally gave up trying to sleep as the sun started to paint the sky shades of lavender
and purple. He'd spent the entire night tangled in emotions, past and present.
His mind finally forgiving Oksana enough that his heart could mourn.

Before leaving the Community Center, Detective Figueroa had given Petra a list of
the five original investigation contacts. She was able to give him the current addresses
of three. Petra also confirmed that all five of them spoke English in varying degrees.
Well enough it would have been unnecessary for Myla to have translated for any of
them.

They'd successfully contacted all three people. Each had refused to talk about Oksana.
They seemed fearful, but one had reluctantly confirmed Kayne's suspicions—Myla had
told them not to speak with the police about Oksana. When asked why, the woman had
looked fearfully at her neighbor’s house—the one with the curtain that twitched from
time to time as someone peeked out—and refused to say more.

Kayne checked out of the hotel, taking his overnight bag with him. He took a cab to
the one place he hadn't been in too long. Walking through the gates and across the
manicured lawn, he headed straight to the tree on the hill. There, he stood and stared
at the three, side-by-side, stone markers.
Oksana in the middle, Niki and Natalia on either side.

He crouched and brushed the leaves and dirt off Niki's headstone. “Hey, sport, did
you think I'd forgotten you? I haven’t. I think about you all the time.” His voice
was rough. “I have another little boy now; I sure wish you were here to meet him.
I miss you so damn much, Niki. Don't tell your mama I cussed.” Kayne gave a hoarse
laugh. “She hated when I taught you bad words. I love you.” Kayne kissed his fingers,
laid them on the cold stone,
then
turned to Natalia.

“Hey, kitten, it's Papa. How's my best girl? I sure miss your hugs. I found your baby
sister. She looks so much like you it makes my heart ache.” He told her about Maddy,
Isabelle, and Gracie. “Be good for mama, okay? I love you, don't ever forget that.”

Kayne couldn't stop the tears leaking from the corners of his eyes, but he tried to
wipe them away as he turned to Oksana.
“Hey, Ana.
I wish I knew what to say to you. I'm sorry seems so inadequate.” He knelt by her
grave, and with a shaking hand, he brushed the dirt off the flat granite headstone.
She'd been so goddamned young, he thought as he traced first the day of her birth,
and then her death.

“I still don't know what happened that day, but I don't believe you drowned our babies,
and I'm so sorry I accused you of it. I'm so afraid you killed yourself because of
me and that's eating a
hole
right through my heart.” His voice broke, and he couldn't speak for a long moment.
“I never meant to hurt you.”

Kayne ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “God Ana, I've been so mad at you for
so long. I talked to Petra yesterday, and she told me everything. I wish to God you
had. I wish you'd given me a chance to slay your dragons. Your father was wrong; I
wouldn’t have sent you away because of something awful that happened when you were
a child. I need you to know that I would have stood by you.”

He took a shaky breath and slowly let it out. “You were my wife and the mother of
my children, and I'm sorry you didn't have a chance to live in the light when you'd
finally found your way to the sun. I always wished that for you, sweetheart. I hope
you know that.”

Kayne told her about Gracie, about the accident and Jarred's death, and about Gracie's
life since that fateful night.

“Her mom's pretty incredible too. She's my wife now, Ana. She's everything I could
have wished for. She's mad as hell at me right now.
And a little jealous of you, if I had to guess.
I think you'd like her though. She's such a great mom, and she loves Gracie so much.”

He rested his hand on the grass-covered ground. “If there's a heaven, I hope you're
there, and I hope you're happy. I pray Niki and Natalia are with you. I hope...I hope
you can forgive me, and I hope you understand why I'm saying goodbye. I'll always
remember you, but Jess is my life now. She and those kids mean everything to me, and
I can't live without them.
Without her.”

Kayne kissed the tips of his fingers and pressed them to the headstone.
“So, goodbye, sweetheart.
Never doubt that I loved you all, so very much.”  With one last look toward his children,
he turned and headed home.

***

Detective Figueroa called while Kayne was standing at the airport ticket counter,
trying to get an earlier flight home. He and Jess had purchased open-ended tickets
and the next available flight wasn’t until six that night. God, he just wanted to
get home; to see Jess and get the ring that was burning a hole in his pocket and his
heart back on her finger, where it belonged.

The conversation with Figueroa was short and to the point. He’d found another witness
while going through his old partner’s notebook. A young neighbor had reported a suspicious
vehicle and subject to a patrol officer, but the info had never been followed up on.
Not only had she been able to place Myla Mechnikov at the scene, she’d seen her and
the male suspect leaving the apartment with Gracie. When asked why she hadn’t come
forward when she realized they were looking for Gracie’s body, she’d told Figueroa
that since the police were claiming Kayne had killed his wife and the other kids,
she thought Myla had taken the baby to keep her safe. Then Figueroa did the very last
thing Kayne had ever expected him of doing.

He apologized
.

It was nearly midnight when Kayne got home. Stripping down to his boxer-briefs, he
crawled into bed next to Jess and pulled her into his arms.

She lay stiff as a board, faint tremors racking her delicate body, and he knew she
was crying.

“I'm so sorry, baby. I was angry and hurt. I am sorry that I missed those years with
Gracie, I’m sorry Jarred died, because it hurt you, and he never had a chance to say
he was sorry. I know if he could have told you so, he would have.” He slid the ring
back on her finger and curled her hand in his. “This is where my ring belongs, and
you are where you belong.”

He pulled her tighter against him. “I'm not sorry I married you, baby. I'm not sorry
that I love you. I'm not sorry we're the proud parents of four wonderful children.
I love you, and I love this crazy life we have, and I'm so, so sorry I hurt you.”

“I feel awful,” Jess whispered.

Kayne's gut clenched with concern. “Are you sick?” He laid his hand on her forehead.
Was that the reason she'd flown home on her own?

“No, I'm fine. I mean, I'm an awful person because I'm glad Oksana is gone.” Jess
jerked away from him. “I'm
glad
she's is gone, and I hate that I feel that way. It killed me to have to sit there
and hear how much she loved you and how great you were to her.”

Kayne flinched at her words. He’d been so wrapped up in his own hell at Petra’s revelations
that he hadn’t truly thought about how Jess had been dealing with it.

“Kayne, you were making it work. Even with the hell she'd had to endure, and despite
your own childhood, you'd built a family and were making it work. You're wrong, you
know. You were her knight in shining armor. You did slay her dragons, even when you
didn't know what they were, because you just didn't give up. You'd vowed to honor
and protect and cherish her, and your word is everything to you, and so you never
would have quit. You would have fallen in love with her. She would have been your
forever. She
should
have been your forever. And I hate her for that.”

Jess’s face contorted in self-recrimination. “I hate her for that. She should be the
one here with you now. You're supposed to be holding her, making love to her, and
raising babies that are yours instead of being forced to raise someone else’s.”

God damn it, he couldn’t stand that he'd hurt her so badly with a few careless words.

“Baby, please...” When he reached out to touch her, she flinched away, and he let
his hand fall to his side, curling it into a fist to keep from reaching out to her
again.

She brushed her bangs out of her face. “And Jarred would still be alive, but he wouldn't
be with me. He'd asked for a divorce. We had a fight. I'd found out he'd had yet another
affair, and we argued. He shouted awful things to me, but they were the truth. For
once in our relationship, he'd finally told me the honest truth about how he felt.
He told me I wasn't good enough for him, I couldn't give him the children he wanted,
and he was sick of raising other people’s kids. I wasn't good enough in bed.
He.
Didn't.
Want. Me. But I thought...God, I was so stupid...I thought...” She stopped, and even
though she tried to mask it, he still heard the sob that escaped.

“I do want you, Jessica.
So much.”
He pulled her back into his arms, refusing to let go this time, even when she fought
him.
“So very, very much.”

He stroked her back, soothing her. “I was as stunned to hear those revelations as
you were, Jessica. I hadn't touched Oksana since before Gracie was born, so I don't
know why she said those things to Petra. And I was angry with Figueroa because he
fucked up and made my life more of a living hell than it already was. You're not alone
in your feelings, you know. For over two years, I've been pissed at Oksana, and I'm
only now realizing I never knew her. She had horrible secrets, monsters that chased
her in her nightmares, and she didn't trust me enough to share them.”

He cupped her face, resting his forehead against hers. “You want honest emotion? Jarred
was a class-
A
asshole. There, I finally said it. Jarred was an asshole. He didn't deserve to die
any more than Oksana did, but Christ, I don't understand how he could have treated
you the way he did. I don't understand how he could have ever thought you weren't
enough. I don't know how he could have walked away from you, because while losing
Oksana brought me to my knees, losing you would kill me. It would raze me to the ground.”

Kayne brushed his lips against hers. “I need you, Jess, with everything in me I need
you, not just now or tonight, but forever. You're my North Star and Safe Harbor and
all those other sappy clichés, but above all else,
you
are
my
dragon slayer. I need you tonight. I need you in my arms where I can feel your heart
beating in time with mine. Just hold me and…and let me hold you in return.”

She needed him too, and when they were finally skin to skin, her back spooned to his
front,
he lifted her thigh over his and placed their entwined hands low over her belly,
securing her to him. Kayne entered her and made slow sweet love to the other half
of his soul.