Razing Kayne (11 page)

ELEVEN

“Mama!
Up, up.
Up!
” Gracie demanded.

“Mama, sleep, please?” Jess was willing to beg.

After Kayne left, she'd spent several long hours tossing and turning, trying to figure
out what had gone wrong. She'd hoped he would have kissed her again at the very least.
But it seemed like he couldn't leave fast enough. Maybe she had been the one to throw
herself
at him at the game. God, how embarrassing was that? No wonder he'd kept his distance
as he'd helped her get sleeping and exhausted kids into bed, then left at the first
opportunity.

“Up, mama.
Sun up, you up!”
Grace’s voice was insistent.

On a morning like this, bribery wasn’t only acceptable it was completely necessary.
“I'll let you wear a pretty to church if you lay back down for a while with me. Just
one hour?” Gracie loved “pretties,” especially necklaces.

“Mine pretty?” Grace bounced excitedly.
“Mine
spesha
pretty?”

Her special pretty?
That was asking a lot.

“If I say yes, will you go back to sleep?”
Jess would agree to just about anything at this point.

“Yes!” Gracie bobbed her head and climbed under the covers to snuggle. Obviously she
considered it a foregone conclusion that she'd be wearing her special necklace.

***

Jess sat in front of her vanity mirror, trying not to fuss with her hair. She’d tried
not to dress up, choosing to wear only a simple floral skirt and a matching solid-color
silk blouse. It was church, not a date. After Kayne’s sudden departure the night before,
she wondered if he'd even show. The kids had invited him, and he'd said he would think
about it. But the look on his face had told her church was the last place in the world
he wanted to be. Truthfully, she couldn't blame him.

“Mama, you look really nice today.” Maddy smiled encouragingly.

Jess returned the smile.
“Thanks, sweetheart.”

“Mama, mine pretty!” Gracie climbed onto Jess’s lap.

“How about a different pretty?”
   In the light of day, Jess regretted the agreement. She worried that something might
happen to the only link to Gracie's past.

Though the clasp had been broken, the delicate chain had been knotted around her neck
the night she’d been pulled from the accident. When the police department released
it from evidence, Jess had placed it in her jewelry box for safe keeping until Gracie
grew up. On occasion, Jess would show it to Gracie, knowing someday she'd have to
tell her what had happened to her parents.

Jess still believed it a miracle that Grace had survived. In fact, that was how she'd
chosen her name.
By the grace of God, go I.

Despite all of Jarred's faults, he had been an incredible fire-medic. He'd given up
his parents’ dreams for him to be a doctor, stepped away from his family's money,
and followed his heart. He'd loved it more than anything else—including her. It was
that love and dedication to his job that had given Grace, and, in turn, Jessica, a
miracle.

Jess could still remember standing in that emergency room helplessly watching Mark
Oberly and his team try to save Jarred. Joe Sutton’s arms wrapped around her had been
the only thing holding her together. All she'd been able to think about was that their
last words had been in anger. He'd walked out and never come home. But he'd unknowingly
given her a gift with his death, because Jess hadn't been able to let go of the baby,
and the local CPS office had reluctantly agreed. They assumed they'd quickly locate
next of kin, and the issue would resolve itself
.
Cody had been furious that Jess would even consider keeping the baby. But Joe seemed
to understand her need to do so, and had stood beside her. In fact, he’d spent those
first few nights on her couch, making sure she wasn't going to lose her ever-loving
mind.

Days had turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and finally Gracie's maternal grandparents
had been located. When Oxnard's Missing Persons got a hit and match on dental records
from Payson's Jane Doe, Jess had feared she’d lose Gracie. But they'd denied any knowledge
of the man or baby, and admitted they hadn't seen their daughter, Ludmyla, in over
a year, claiming the relationship had been strained at best.

Jess had been shocked when she discovered the grandparents refused to take custody
of Gracie. But Jessica hadn’t been able to work up any real hatred toward the grandparents,
because she'd fallen absolutely and thoroughly in love with Gracie.

Jess took a moment to study the pendant: a three dimensional trefoil knot with a half-carat
heart-shaped diamond in the center, surrounded by three smaller, colored-stone hearts,
each set in a loop of the trefoil. Jess had always assumed the pale pink stone represented
Gracie's October birth month. The pendant had a phrase engraved on the back in Cyrillic.
She'd assumed it was Russian, but upon translation the words had made no sense. And
yet it was still the only tie to Gracie's past. Her grandparents had been adamant
they wanted nothing to do with her.

“Mine spesha pretty, Mama!”

Jess reluctantly clasped it around her neck, fearing she'd made a horrible mistake
by agreeing to let Gracie wear it.

***

By the time Jess turned into the church parking lot, she was so nervous she could
hardly breathe. Though her children had continued attending after Jarred died, she
had not. She’d been too overwhelmed, then too angry to step foot within those walls.
Thankfully, Polly had been more than happy to have this weekly time with the kids
.
What would everyone think of her showing up after all this time
?
What if Kayne showed up like he’d promised the kids?

Not likely after last night. Besides, why the hell did she care what anyone thought
anyway?

Jess pulled into a space near the door, took a deep breath, then another, and turned
off the engine. She climbed out and opened the back door to unbuckle Gracie.

Maddy frowned. “Mama, you don't have to get out. I can take them in.”

“I heard a rumor that Mama was staying for church today.”

Jess glanced over her shoulder.
Kayne
.
He'd come!

“Kayne, Kayne!
Out, out,
oowt!
”
Gracie all but howled.

Kayne shook his head and laughed. “Hold on a minute, you little imp.” His body pressed
against Jess’s as he leaned in and addressed the children. “Good morning, kids.”

“About last night.
I'm sorry,” his voice whispered in her ear.

Jess's heart stalled for several beats before taking off at a gallop, making it impossible
to do anything but nod. What was he sorry for?

***

Kayne wanted to say more, but he couldn’t find the words
.
How did he admit he was lost, confused, and, quite frankly, totally fucked-up in the
head? His gut clenched at the thought of giving them the power to destroy what little
there was left of him, or worse, him having the ability to hurt them. He'd spent a
sleepless night staring at that fucking gun. But every damned time he reached for
it, images bombarded him. Not the faces of his dead wife and children, but of Jessica
and hers. He’d already gotten too deep.

He'd reasoned that if he cared about them he'd stay the hell away, but as the morning
wore on, as he watched the clock slowly creep forward, he couldn't help but remember
how it had felt to be with Jess and the kids yesterday. He’d felt alive for the first
time in years
.
Selfish bastard that he was, he couldn’t find the will to stay away.

Now here he was. As pissed as he was at a God who’d let innocent children be murdered
by their mother, a church was the last place he ever dreamed he’d be stepping foot
into.

He wasn’t sure how Jess felt, but the kids were happy to see him. After taking Gracie
from Jess, he walked around and unbuckled Isabelle while Jess gathered her purse and
the diaper bag.

“Morning 'Sabella.” He nuzzled her neck until she giggled.

“You look very pretty Madelina.” He said her name with a Romanian accent, befitting
its origin.
“But this guy?”
Kayne ruffled Ash's hair. “I don't know where you found this one.”

“Under a rock.”
Ash laughed. “That's what Jarred used to tell everyone. That he was out hiking one
day and found us.” Ash’s smile died, and he looked uncertainly at his mother
.

It hadn't escaped Kayne’s notice that when the kids did mention their father they
called him Jarred. “Well, I know I'm sure glad he found you.” Kayne ruffled Ash's
hair again.

***

Jess's chest clinched at the sight of her son's uncertainty. Apparently she'd made
a horrible mistake in not talking more about Jarred with her children. But other than
Isabelle, who they’d adopted as an infant, he'd spent so little time with them. Ash
had been so young, and Maddy had lived with them for such a short time before Jarred
died, it seemed better—easier—to let them forget.

She smiled at Ash. “He knew you were ours the moment he saw you.” 

What was one more lie to protect her children’s innocence? She and Jarred had fought
tooth and nail about bringing Ash home. He felt she should be happy with Isabelle.
But Jess wanted a big family, and so she’d stood her ground. Jarred had reluctantly
agreed.
Very reluctantly.
Not long after, they were red-foldered to be Maddy’s parents. Jarred hadn’t said
anything when she came to live with them. He’d simply proceeded to ignore all but
Isabelle
.
Which had broken Jess’s heart, time and again.

As they walked through the door,
Kayne leaned in and whispered, “Think the roof will hold?”

Jess shook her head, but couldn't help the giggle that escaped. She noticed Del standing
in the vestibule, wearing his uniform. She glanced at Kayne. “Aren't you supposed
to be working today?”

“No, Sunday and Monday are my normal days off. I've been picking up overtime.”

He didn't say it, but it hit Jess—while all her bills disappeared with Jarred’s death,
Kayne’s had not when Oksana died
.
In fact, he would have accrued more debt by paying to bury a wife and children. She
shuddered at the thought.

Del didn't seem surprised to see them together. He walked up and shook Kayne's hand,
a huge smile on his face. “Welcome, son, glad to see you here.”

“Thanks.” Kayne looked uncomfortable.

When Jess realized Del was studying the two of them thoughtfully, she felt her own
face heat in embarrassment.

“Interesting game last night.”
Del smiled a Cheshire
Cat
smile.
“Went over to the fire house to watch it on the big screen with Joe.
We're sitting there and Joe says,
‘Hey, that
looks like Jess.’
The camera's panning the area right behind the benches at center ice. Of course,
I was sure he was wrong. I knew you'd have told us if you were going to a playoff
game, if for no other reason than to rub it in.”

Oh crap. Jess was pretty sure she did not want to hear the rest of this.

Her reaction must have shown on her face, because Del chuckled and winked. “A little
later, they showed the area again, and sure enough, there y'all are, watching the
game.”

Jess hurried to explain. “I called in a favor. It was last minute, and Kayne and I
already had plans to take the kids to the Valley.”

“That's what Joe said. Said he'd run into Kayne yesterday
.
Kayne took the day off to
babysit  the
kids while you worked.” Del looked far too pleased by that fact.

Kayne shrugged. “We were cleaning the Tahoe.”

“Hope you can play nice in the sandbox,” Del said out of the blue. “Here comes trouble.”
He nodded toward the front door, his demeanor suddenly all cop.

Jess followed Del's line of vision. A furious-looking Cody stormed through the front
doors. Since he was glaring at Kayne, she assumed he was the source of Cody's anger.

“Wonder how Jarred feels about being replaced?” Cody snapped.

“Now, Cody...” Del scolded.

“On national television, with a highway hog?”
Jarred hissed, all but getting in Jess’s face. “What the hell happened to not being
ready to date?” Cody didn't wait around for a response; he continued inside without
looking back.

Jess slowly turned to Del. “What did he mean?”

“The cameras scanned the crowd when the final buzzer sounded. You two seemed quite
pleased with the game results.”

Jess felt the color drain from her face.

“Oh, no.”
Kayne’s head fell forward, his chin resting on his chest.

Maddy giggled. “They showed Kayne kissing you right there on the big screen.”

Jess felt slightly ill. Not once had she stopped to think about how the kids would
feel about her and Kayne being anything more than friends. Would they be happy if
she was happy? Or would they feel like she was stealing their friend? And what would
happen when he discovered she wasn't good enough for him and walked away? Would he
still want anything to do with the kids? Would she want him to?

Jess stopped and took a deep breath. They hadn't taken the relationship any further
than friendship. Okay, some really friendly friendship. But they could leave it at
that. She couldn't let the kids get attached to someone who wouldn’t stay, and it
was painfully clear that after all he’d
lost,
Kayne was no longer the staying type. If she was saddened by that, she'd just have
to get over it.

***

“Kayne?”
Maddy leaned around Jessica to hold out the program to him. “I know you're not our
dad, but... would you take us to this? I've never gotten to go.”

Kayne read the announcement she was pointing to. The church, in conjunction with two
others, was hosting a community wide Daddy-Daughter overnight camping trip in a couple
of weeks. His gut reaction was to say no, but when he looked into those soulful eyes
brimming with hope, he weakened. Could he do this? Could he let this little girl in
and not betray Natalia and Tasha's memory? What would it feel like to step in, even
as a surrogate, for one moment in time?

Kayne realized he wanted this, wanted those memories with Maddy and her sisters, regardless
of who Gracie may or may not be. Wasn't that really why he was here today?

“I would be honored.” Kayne sent an apologetic look toward Jessica, realizing he should
have discussed it with her. She gave a tight nod but said nothing. He was pretty sure
he was going to hear about it later. But at the moment they were in church. Since
lightning hadn't struck, and the roof hadn't caved in, he figured he could sit back
and relax. Enjoy just...
being.

Church had started off a little rocky, but now sitting here with Jessica by his side
and Isabelle on his lap, it felt strangely comfortable. Jessica didn't know it, but
he was quietly playing rock paper scissors with Ash behind her back. Well, at least
he hadn't thought she'd noticed, until she leaned in close and told him to knock it
off.

Gracie climbed into Kayne’s lap when Isabelle vacated it sometime later. She held
something shiny in his face.
“Look, mine pretty.”

“Very pretty.”
Kayne flashed
her an
indulgent smile.

Not one to be denied, Gracie planted her little hands on his cheeks and made eye contact.
“Mine pretty. Look.” 

So Kayne obeyed.
And froze.
Gracie's “pretty” looked exactly like the necklace he'd given Oksana the day
Tasha
had been born. He felt the air being sucked out of his lungs. He blinked a couple
times to be sure he wasn't imaging it, but the pendant didn't disappear.

Jessica laid a hand on his arm. “Kayne, what's wrong?”

He barely heard her through the roar of blood pulsing through his arteries.

“Where did you get this?” He could hardly hold the pendant, he was shaking so badly.

Jessica hesitated, her eyes giving away her internal debate. Finally she made eye
contact. “Gracie was wearing it the night Jarred rescued her.”

“You've known about it all this time, and you didn't say anything?” He knew his voice
was too loud, but my God, he'd trusted her. He'd laid his soul out for her, let her
see his misery and pain, and all this time she'd fucking known who Gracie was and
hadn't said anything?

Del leaned forward and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Kayne,
what
is going on?”

“This necklace.
I gave it to Oksana the day Tasha was born. It disappeared the day Tasha did.”

Jessica shook her head quickly. “No, you must be mistaken.” 

Like hell he was.

Oh, God. He was holding Tasha. She was alive, and she was safe, and she was in his
arms. He pushed all other thoughts from his mind, and his heart soared in the moment
.
His sweet baby girl was alive.

Gracie scrunched her brow up. “No cry, a'kay?” Then she hugged him.

“Okay.” But God, he couldn't help it.

“Kayne, look at me.” Jessica’s voice was demanding, but he didn’t want to deal with
the anger he felt bubbling just below the surface. He didn't want to take his eyes
off Tasha, terrified she'd somehow disappear, that he'd wake up and this moment would
have only been a dream.

Del stood up. “Let’s take this outside.”

Kayne knew he was causing a scene, but if anyone else were in his shoes they'd be
causing one hell of a scene too.

Jessica tried to take Tasha from him, and he shoved her hand away though not with
enough force to hurt. No way in hell was he letting his little girl
go
. Didn't she have any idea what she'd done to him? How could she have kept Tasha's
identity a secret?

“Kayne, hand me my daughter.” Her panicked voice left no room for argument
.
“Kayne, please, hand her to me, you're scaring me.”

Damn it, he wasn't completely immune to the pleading in her voice or the fear in her
eyes, but he couldn’t let Tasha go. He
couldn’t
.

Del placed a firm grip on his shoulder. “Kayne, hand Jess the baby and walk outside.”

***

Jess wasn't sure what was going on, but she could tell Kayne was losing it. Was it
possible that he suffered from PTSD? Something about Gracie's necklace had set him
off, and she wasn't sure what to do.

Trace St. Moritz appeared in the aisle. “Hey, what’s going on?”

“We're fine, Trace,” Jess stammered quickly. Whatever was going on with Kayne didn't
need to be exacerbated by getting official law enforcement involved. “Everything's
fine.
Some confusion over Gracie.”

Trace raised an eyebrow, letting Jess know he thought she'd lost her marbles if she
expected him to believe that.