Ray of Sunlight (14 page)

“But your parents….” He seemed hesitant and that was just so un-CJ-like I had to put a stop to it.

“I don’t care. I haven’t cared what they thought about anything else I did for years now. Why should I care about something this important?”

I kissed him again and didn’t admit—out loud—that I was actually scared shitless about what might happen if Allen found out. But at that moment, it wasn’t enough to stop me. “I love you.” But then I thought of something else. “And I know you kiss everyone, and you may not feel about me the same way, so if
you
want me to stop, I will, but—”

He grabbed me again and kissed me so hard, I thought my face was going to be sucked off. “I
do
feel the same way. It’s just… this is a pretty isolated little environment here. The staff are all super accepting of… stuff. But the outside world isn’t. If you come out as gay anywhere but here… or even here when the church people are here… there might be repercussions that—”

“I don’t care about repercussions.” I ruffled what little hair he had been able to grow between treatments and hoped he bought it. “How long have you known me?”

“I care about them.” He turned even more serious. “There’s no one to protect you if things turn ugly, and I know you can protect yourself… under normal circumstances, but people can get weird about this kind of shit. I’m always hearing about gay men being attacked by a gang of people or some such shit. And your dad sounds like mine. I don’t want you beaten up or kicked out.”

“CJ, I don’t care if he kicks me out. I don’t know why I haven’t run away before now anyway. I never planned to stay there forever.”

“But, you’re on track for college and a really good career in art, and—”

“Why should being gay get in the way of that?” Really, the only people I was even mildly concerned with were Allen and Mom, and once I went to college, I wouldn’t have to worry about them.

“It
shouldn’t
. Doesn’t mean it won’t, though.” He seemed to be getting upset. CJ usually didn’t care what anyone thought, and usually he was a pretty confident guy, but I had noticed he was a little insecure from time to time, especially about how other people were viewed. He didn’t seem to worry too much about how people viewed him, but he was a little sensitive to how the world treated people who were gay. Understandably so, given his experience with his parents. And I had to admit—to myself at least—that my parents weren’t that different in that regard, but I had to try to put his mind at ease.

“CJ. Answer one question, and either way we’ll put this discussion behind us once and for all.” I made sure he was looking at me, then added, “Do
you
want to have a relationship with me?”

He didn’t have time to think. “Yes. But—”

“No buts. If you want it, and I want it, what else matters?”

He was speechless. Which up until that moment I would have sworn was impossible. I hugged him and whispered into his ear. “I love you. You say you feel the same way. Nothing else matters to me, CJ. It really doesn’t.” And I found that, right then, nothing else did.

I had forgotten that we were still standing in the hallway until the nurses at the nearby nurse’s station started clapping.

A
S
THE
weather got better, I started getting CJ outside as much as possible and out of the hospital altogether when I could. Which wasn’t nearly as often as I’d like. His therapy was hitting him harder and harder all the time, and even between treatments, he was having days where he could hardly get out of bed. But I didn’t want to think about what that might mean, so I just seized on the good days and made the most of them.

Pete and I were actually getting along, and he offered to drive us around when he was available. The first time we kissed in front of him, I glared at him, daring him to say anything.

“You can put away the glare, Russ,” he had told me. “I had that figured out by Thanksgiving.”

I sputtered. “We weren’t like that at Thanksgiving.”

“Then you’re not as smart as I gave you credit for,” Pete answered, then laughed.

My knee-jerk reaction was to get angry, but my heart wasn’t in it anymore, and CJ started laughing hysterically, so I just chuckled.

I happened to think of something, though. “Is that why you suggested I should kiss CJ to get the two girls off his trail?” When Pete just smiled, I asked, “What did you tell them, Pete?”

“I told them I thought my brother had eyes for CJ, so he was off-limits.”

CJ turned pale immediately. “Pete, you can’t say that. I don’t want people to know about Russ. It’s not safe, I can’t—”

“They didn’t believe me, CJ. Don’t worry about it,” Pete answered.

“Are you sure?” CJ wasn’t convinced.

“Yeah, I’m sure. The next time I saw them, they both asked me for Russ’s number.” Pete rolled his eyes. “Said he was cute.”

I grinned at Pete’s feigned discomfort, and CJ looked a little relieved, but I could tell he was still a little worried.

We swore Pete to secrecy, especially in regards to the ’rents, but he reiterated that he had thought he’d been keeping the secret from them since November.

W
E
WENT
to the park on days when the weather was nice. Sometimes Pete stayed, and sometimes he didn’t. We all had tried to walk around the trail there a couple of different days, but CJ couldn’t really make it clear around, so we stopped trying. We just sat at a picnic table and watched the kids play.

One day, when it was just the two of us, CJ mentioned that it looked like the kids were having such fun on the swings and that he used to love to swing. I waited until the swings were empty and no one seemed to be heading toward them, and then I got up and pulled him to a stand.

“Come on.” I started pulling him toward the swings.

“Where are we going?” He seemed hesitant and started to look around.

“There’s no reason why you can’t still enjoy the swings.” I pulled him to the swing set and sat him in one of the black saggy seats.

When I started walking behind the swing, he asked, “Where are you going?”

“To push!” I answered. I thought it was obvious. “It’s more fun when someone pushes.”

He just smiled that thousand-watt smile of his, and I spent the next half hour pushing him on the swing. I had never really been a swing set kind of person, but I had a ball.

O
N
RAINY
days, I still wanted to get him out of the hospital, but of course we couldn’t stay outside. So we went to the mall. CJ still couldn’t walk all that much at any given time, but we sat at the food court and made up stories for all the people passing by.

“So, leather jacket guy there is on the way to pick up his girlfriend on his Harley,” CJ started out.

“Right… maybe miniskirt chick from earlier,” I added.

“Yeah, I can see the two of them together.” CJ giggled. “Though it might be a little embarrassing if he asks her to ride on the back of the motorcycle. That dress was pretty short.”

“All the more reason to get her to ride the motorcycle, CJ. Come on, look at the guy. That’s the only way he’s going to get a look.”

CJ hit me. “Russ. That’s awful.” He got back to the story. “I’m sure he’s a complete gentleman. They’ve probably been dating for years, and she has her own biker pants she puts on under the skirt.”

The guy we were watching stopped at the nearby jewelry store. “See?” CJ continued. “He’s gonna buy her jewelry. I’ll bet
tonight is their anniversary, and he’s gonna take her out
someplace special and….”

Right then, the guy who worked at the jewelry store came around the counter and gave the man in the leather jacket a huge kiss.

“Oh, so wrong,” I laughed, and CJ collapsed into me. I kissed the top of his baseball cap and held on to him while he giggled. It was so fun to watch him laugh. I nodded to the couple who were now leaving the jewelry store, and they both smiled at us. I liked to think they were hoping we were as happy a couple as they obviously were.

W
E
WENT
to the movies a lot. One night it was just me and CJ, though, and I had it drilled home just why CJ was so afraid of me coming out to anyone outside the hospital.

We had had a wonderful time in the movie itself. The theater was dark, and we sat in the back. It hadn’t been an especially popular movie, so we had the place—at least the back row—to ourselves. We got a couple of looks from people in the next row up, and they even whispered to each other after looking back at us, but the movie started, and they got interested in that and forgot all about us.

It was nice. We just sat there, holding hands, and somewhere during the movie, CJ laid his head on my shoulder. I worried about him a little. He hadn’t been feeling good at all lately and was tired all the time. I enjoyed his head on my shoulder, but I was afraid that it was more because of exhaustion than out of romance. Either way, though, I wasn’t going to do anything to cause him to move it, so I reached an arm around him and pulled him even closer.

By the end of the movie, he was sound asleep in my arms.

“Hey, CJ.” I jostled him carefully as the credits rolled. “You gonna wake up now?”

He was long enough answering me that I was thinking about taking his pulse. It was silly, I knew. I could see that his chest was moving, but I was so afraid of losing him, and with my luck, I just knew it would be when I was alone with him. I wouldn’t know what to do. How do you react to having someone you love die in your arms?

But, I needn’t have worried, at least not that time, because he really was only sleeping. He woke sluggishly, but he did, and gave me a quick peck on the lips before he was completely awake and realized where we were.

Then he got kind of scared and looked around. I thought about drawing him in for an even deeper kiss to show him that I really didn’t care what anyone thought, but he looked so frightened, I just couldn’t. As much as I wanted to kiss the terror off his face, I knew it would have exactly the opposite effect, so I gathered him in for a hug instead.

There’s nothing inherently “gay” about two male friends hugging, right? Apparently some people thought so, though. One elderly couple scoffed and turned away. A couple of teenagers giggled, and another
awwed
and said she thought it was cute.

But, we finally got to our feet and followed the crowd out of the theater. Once outside, we weren’t even doing anything especially “gay.” We were standing in front of the theater, waiting for Pete to pick us up, and CJ was really tired. He leaned up against the side of the building, and I leaned next to him. Close, yes, but not suggestively close. Not that that would have justified the assholes anyway.

There were three large guys walking down the street, and when they passed us, one said, “Oh ho. What do we have here? Little fairy boys.”

He immediately started crowding us and his two buddies followed suit. There was no place for us to go. We were already backed up against the building.

I was surprised that no one in the thinning crowd of moviegoers seemed to have any problem with three large men ganging up on two teenaged boys. Everyone seemed to get really interested in their companions or their pocketbooks or their phones. I kind of hoped that someone was going to film the interaction with their smart phone, but no one did.

The altercation didn’t get beyond nasty words on their part because right then, Pete pulled up and honked his horn.

“If you’ll excuse us, gentlemen,” I said as I sidestepped the main Neanderthal, “we’re late for a homoerotic orgy, and we have to meet up with twenty other fairy boys for a circle fuck. You sure you don’t want to come along? I’m sure some of the more butch types would love to get a hold of your ass.”

The biggest knuckle dragger stepped closer to me, and I swear honest-to-God growled. He reminded me of Allen. What’s with assholes and growling, anyway?

CJ was trying to pull me to the car and apparently Pete didn’t think I was going to
get
to the car—either because Conan was going to start swinging, or because Pete was afraid I would—because he laid on his horn as he rolled down the window and yelled to the guys that he was going to call the police and that he was filming this whole thing.

Finally! Someone thought of using their cell phone to stop an altercation instead of ignoring the possibility of one.

Pete wasn’t finished, though. After he yelled at them, he yelled at me. “Russ, I swear to God, if you don’t get in this damned car right now, I’m going to take CJ home and leave you right here!”

It was the first time I got a good look at CJ. He was visibly shaking. I couldn’t believe it. My strong-willed, confident CJ was just this side of a quivering mass of goo, and I knew enough about him to know he was probably more worried for me than for himself. But, no one could blame him if he was scared for his own well-being, either. After all, the last time someone “caught” him “acting gay,” he had the shit nearly beat out of him and ended up living on the streets.

I finally stopped trying to goad the guys and instead took CJ’s shoulders and gently pushed him into the passenger seat after Pete had reached across and opened the door.

I got in behind him and sandwiched him between me and Pete in the front seat. I closed the door, and we headed out. He was still shaking.

“CJ….” I leaned forward a little so I could look him in the face. “You okay?”

He didn’t say anything at first, then finally stuttered, “W-why did you have to goad him like that?” Then he gained a little momentum, and his voice was steadier. “God, Russ. He could have hurt you. If Pete hadn’t come along….”

“Pete came first, remember? I don’t think I said anything to the caveman until I knew I had backup.”