Raw: The Ultimate Mc Collection (17 page)

I was a fucking outlaw! 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

By the time I pulled up to the clubhouse, I was a wreck.  I had every intention of walking in and confronting her, telling her everything.  But then I saw her.

And for fuck’s sake, if she didn’t just knock me on my ass again.  She had never looked more beautiful.  She was wearing my old ratty robe that was torn on the shoulder, her green eyes shining bright in the morning sunlight. Her long hair was wet, sending tiny droplets of water dropping down onto the top curve of her breasts.  The robe was open completely, and as my eyes traveled down the front of it, past the flatness of her strong belly, and down to the pretty ‘V’ of her pussy, the memory of the sweetness that was waiting for me there overwhelmed me, and I had to have her again.

Before it ended.  Before we had to say goodbye.  Before my little brief respite from the loneliness of my life was over, I had to feel her once more.

I pulled open my pants, pushing my boxers out of the way, and pulled her thighs around me, sinking into her right there on the bathroom floor.  I couldn’t wait, she didn’t ask me to, and I dove into her, pushing, pushing, as hard as I could, the moaning and whimpering escaping from her full lips encouraging me to push harder and harder until I was exploding inside of her.  

I picked her up, carrying her into the bedroom, and laid her on the bed, my cock nowhere near being spent.  I devoured every inch of her, memorizing every detail, trying desperately to resist the urge to tie her to my bed and never let her leave.

But that wasn’t an option, no matter how much I fucking wanted her.

She wasn’t mine.  She was never going to be.

But for today?  I sure as fuck was going to pretend.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Grace

We made love until the early morning, when we finally fell asleep in each other’s arms.  When I woke hours later, I heard birds chirping outside our window.

His window.

I was entirely too comfortable here.  I needed to leave.  It was time to tell him, and as soon as he woke up, I planned to do just that.

I cared about him too much to continue the lie.  I was in a different head space now that the hours had passed, and the sun had come up.  Sleep had helped, too. 

I had to do the right thing.

When I felt him stir beside me, his strong, muscular arms pulling me back in to snuggle close to him, I sighed with regret.

Regret for everything.  Regret for being born into a family that was completely fucked up.  Regret for getting in that car with Dice.  Regret for everything that my life had become now that I was a cop.  I didn’t even have any friends.  

There was nobody out there looking for me.

My own mother didn’t even know I was in danger.  There was no connection.  There was no love.

There never had been.

Until now.  And what I was about to say was going to blow all that love to smithereens.

“Ryder,” I whispered. He shifted slightly, groaning.

“Ryder, wake up,” I said again.  I had to do it now before I changed my mind and stayed in bed fucking him again all day.  It was incredibly easy to do, it turned out.

I silently said goodbye to that peaceful stillness I had found, and said his name one more time, louder this time, and slightly poking him with my elbow in his ribs.

“Ow,” he said, his eyes opening.  “You okay, babe?”

He fucking killed me.  The concern.  The constant concern for my well-being.  I wasn’t used to it.  People didn’t care about me.  That’s not how things worked in my world.

“I have to tell you something important,” I said.

“What, beauty?” he murmured. I turned around, facing him. God, he was so fucking sexy.  His sleepy face just increased his handsomeness.  My pussy quivered as I fought my every instinct to wrap myself around him once more.

“I’m…,” I whispered, pausing before I crashed into our world with the unpleasant reality. “I’m a cop.”

One corner of his mouth stretched into a slow grin as he finally opened his eyes and looked at me.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, simply, easily, like I had just told him I was breathing.  

“What?” I replied. “What the fuck do you mean you know?”

“I know.  I found out yesterday when I went into town.”

“What!  And you didn’t fucking tell me?”

“Well, Sam, I could say the same thing.  In fact, I did mean to tell you but I walked in here and you were all naked and wet under my robe, and well…I couldn’t resist, cop or no cop,” he said, shrugging.

“Did you just remember in your sleep?” he asked.

“No, I remembered yesterday, while you were gone,” I said.  “I was going to tell you, too, but I - well, you - came home and we…yeah,” I said.  “How did you find out?” I asked.

“I was at the Rodeo Roadhouse having lunch. Couple of cops came in flashing your picture around.  Said you were a missing cop,” he replied.

“Oh. That’s probably my partners,” I said.

“You wanna explain a little for me, Sam? What did you remember?”

“I remembered everything, babe. I’m sorry, Ryder. I should have told you.”

“At the cost of last night?  Fuck that, babe.  It’s all good.  You can tell me now.  There’s no more secrets between us.”  He pulled me back into bed, and we laid there all morning, as I told him everything.

I told him how I had left as soon as the trial was over.  I changed my last name to Evans, and made sure to keep my name change private.  Because of my job, I had managed to keep my identity a secret and under the radar of anyone who might try to look me up on the internet.  I told him about my work.  And I was comforted immensely by his occasional murmurs of approval.

Maybe he could see me as a real human being instead of a cop.

“You have to go back, Sam,” he said, his voice sad but firm.

“Yeah, I know,” I replied.  And I did.  I had made up my mind. I couldn’t just give up on all those women and children out there.  I might not be able to save them all, but I had to keep saving as many as I could.

“So, no husband?  No children?” he asked.

“No.  My life is a lonely, empty landscape.”

“Well, that makes me sad and happy all at the same time, Sam.”

“That’s just the way it’s been. Ryder, what are we going to do?” I asked him.

“I don’t think there’s anything we can do, is there?  What are our options?  You go back, you’re a cop, and I’m an outlaw.  How do you see that fitting together, Sam?”

I thought about it, for the millionth time, and I couldn’t figure it out.

“I don’t know.”  My eyes filled with tears.  It was everything I knew and I hated it.

“Well, me either.  Listen, as much as I care about you, as much as I want you to stay, it’s just not the right thing.  You belong out there, doing your thing.  If I was any other man, I’d come with you, we’d find a way.  But that just won’t work for us.  I know it. You know it. Ain’t no denying it, Sam.”

He brushed his lips against mine, gentle and soft.  

“Ryder?” I asked.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I need you just one more time…”

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Ryder

The ride to Portland was pure hell.  

Fuck life.  Fuck circumstance.  I was angry, a slow rage boiling just under the surface.  It was fucked up that she would just get dropped into my life like that, where I had no choice but to do what I did. And it was beyond fucked up that we fit together like a pair of perfectly worn gloves.  

I was past trying to resist the love I felt for her.  It was there.  Strong as a fucking herd of horses thundering across my heart, stampeding itself into my consciousness until I was forced to recognize it, accept it. 

Fine. I did. And yet I was about to let her go.

Of course, it would work out like that.  I was stupid and naive to think even for a second I would have some chance of a future with a woman like her.   I reminded myself to just be thankful for the time we did have together.

I knew I would carry her in my heart for a long, long time.  That damned owl had been right.  He showed up that night under the moonlight, knowing I was going to lose her.  And that’s why he was waiting.  He had been on the porch every night without fail since Sam had come into my life.  Just waiting to see me miserable once again.

Waiting.  I’d bet my ass he wouldn’t be there tonight.  The thought of going back to the clubhouse alone made me groan.  The road disappeared under us way too quickly.

When we pulled into the parking lot, Sam sat on the back of the bike for a moment before getting off.  She didn’t take her arms away from me, and I leaned back into her after shutting off the bike.  

We had said everything we needed to say before we left. There was nothing left but goodbye.

CHAPTER THIRTY

Grace

I never liked my job.  I did it because I felt like I had to.  It was the only way I could exist in this world, with the memories of my past haunting me.  With each girl I managed to save from any further abuse, I was saving the little girl inside of me.

I was doing what I always wanted my mother to do.  The one thing she could, and did, do for everyone else.  For some reason, she couldn’t do it for me.  Protect me.

And I came to accept that.  I was the last one to be born.  And for the longest time, I was the one that went along with what everyone said, what they did, what they showed to the world, and what they didn’t.  I looked up to my siblings, and as a little girl, I didn’t know if they were leading me astray or not.  

All I did was trust the people I had no choice but to trust.  My very existence depended on trusting them.  Whether they were trustworthy or not, was not something I had any control over.

But once I did?  Once I turned eighteen, and I was able to leave, I left as fast as I could.  And once I gathered the strength to find my voice, I screamed about it from the loudest mountain.

My mother did not approve of me splashing her dirty laundry around for everyone in town to listen to on the evening news while they were having dinner.  

She blamed me for everything.  Over and over, she told me that since I never said anything when it was happening, it was my fault.  

No.  It was not my fault.

After paying a therapist a few thousand dollars to convince me of that fact, I set off to do something about what had happened to me.

The fact that they went to jail was only a secondary satisfaction.  I would have preferred to kill them with my bare hands, but I wasn’t about to get anywhere near them again. 

I settled for jail.  

I settled for a new life where I didn’t have to see anyone I didn’t want to.

I settled for a life trying to make someone else’s existence a little less shitty than mine was.

And until now, I was completely happy to do it.

But, now I had Ryder to remember.  And the memory of my time with him was the only thing that got me through my days once I returned to work.  And yet it was pure torture at the same time.

Everyone was shocked to see me.  I told them a slightly modified version of the truth, leaving the fact that I had been saved by the President of the Gods of Chaos MC out of it.  I said I had been taken in by a nice family, who didn’t want to be named.  They found me on the side of the road, and that’s it.  I said I had no idea what happened to Dice.  That I couldn’t remember anything about that night, which was mostly true.  My memories were pretty foggy once he pulled off the road.

I had a private meeting with the Captain, telling him everything I remembered Dice saying, trying to convince him to let me do some digging.  If Dice had friends on the inside, I needed to find them.  

Judd and Dawn filled me in, telling me that Dice’s incinerated car and body was found in the middle of a tree farm, leaving no trace of fingerprints or other evidence.

I didn’t feel bad about leaving Ryder out of my story.  Nobody needed to know about him, and I wasn’t about to put him at risk of any kind of suspicion.  I knew how the conviction hungry DA worked, not to mention the cops around me, including Judd and Dawn.  They were the two people I was the closest to, but that wasn’t saying much at all.  We weren’t friends. We were colleagues. And they were both on a fast track to big promotions. They would have jumped on a chance to take down an MC president.