Raw (38 page)

Listening closer, I wait for my visitor to find me, and I’m already making excuses in my mind.

Can you believe that? Fucking
excuses
. As if I owe him an explanation. I slowly shake my head at my misplaced panic.

Finally, he comes looking for me, but by the time his silhouette shadows the door, I throw myself back into my work. If it looks as though I’m busy, he might leave me alone.

Keyword there:
Might
.

“There’s a sparrow sittin’ at your desk.”

Not looking up at him, I grunt. “She has work to do.”

Let it go, man. Let. It. Go.

As he takes a few steps into the room, I look up at my oldest friend. The man who most likely saved my life when he took me into his home and kept me under a hawk’s eye, making sure I was healing from…well…what life had dealt me. I’m not sure which one of us was dealt the worst hand, but I do know that my head is not programmed like other peoples’.

No.

I
can
tell you that I have issues. Issues I’m not proud of. Issues I’m trying to overcome.

As usual, Julius looks like he just stepped out of an Armani photo-shoot. Wearing a tan suit that contrasts his mocha-colored skin, his dark hair – which we affectionately call ‘nappy hair’ – neatly cut and styled, and his incredulous face set on mine. The only man I know with darker skin that has light blue eyes. Those eyes see more than they should.

He repeats himself, slower this time, “There’s a sparrow…sittin’ at your desk.” When I don’t respond, he pushes, “A sparrow, Twitch.” Remaining silent, he adds, “A sparrow at your motherfuckin’ desk. Using your fuckin’ computer. The computer that holds all your information on it. A computer that holds all of
my
fuckin’ information on it, brother.”

He’s pissed. No doubt. But he doesn’t know, Lexi. So it’s warranted.

Lifting my hand in a dismissive wave, I tell him distractedly, “I switched users. She’s got no access.”

“Who is she?”

“She is who she is,” I say in dismissal.

Stepping closer to me on the sofa, he asks slowly and almost threateningly, “I said, who is she?”

No answer. There’s no point. He’ll just go explore anyways. Just as I knew he would, without another word, he retreats and I sigh. He always did stick his nose where it didn’t belong. Standing from the sofa, I close my laptop and set it down on the mantle before I trudge after him.

Nosey motherfucker.

He’s already at the office door staring in when I reach him. A small smile pulls at his lips. And I can’t help but shake my head at Lexi. The ‘sparrow’ can’t sing for shit. But she doesn’t care. She likes to sing. So let her sing.

Approaching with slow steps, his head turns a little towards me, but he doesn’t take his eyes off Lexi. “She for reals?”

My lip twitches, but I don’t respond. Moving closer, I stand by my friend and watch Lexi from the door. She looks so small at my desk, in my throne of a chair. I’m sure her feet aren’t even touching the ground.
 

I take her in.

Even wearing what she’s wearing – which I do
not
approve of – she looks like she belongs on a magazine cover.
 

Singing (more like squawking)
Marry You
by Bruno Mars
without a care in the world, she bounces in her chair but types away before stopping suddenly and leaning back to look at her work. Confusion written all her face, she stares at the computer screen and scratches her head. “Hey, Twitch,” she calls out.

“Yeah?” I answer from the door. She yelps in fright, her hand flying to her chest, “Don’t do that! I hate when you sneak. Or creep. Or skulk.” Her face scrunched in annoyance, she says, “No more skulking, dammit!”
 

Then she lifts her head to find the both of us looking at her through wide smiles. Her face pinks and the
lady
comes out of her. Standing slowly, she brushes down the backs of her sweats and my grey tee – which looks ridiculously huge on her – then reaches up to her messy bun as her eyes widen in what I think is shame at being caught out in an outfit like the one she’s wearing.
 

Serves her right.

Approaching the man by my side, she puts on an easy smile and holds out her hand to him. As he looks down at her with narrowed eyes and a small smile, she explains softly, “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

Taking her small pale hand in his mocha one, he shakes her hand gently and smiles, “I didn’t want to interrupt the show you were putting on.” Her face flames further and he chuckles, “I’m Julius.”

Nervous Lexi decides to make an appearance, and she rambles, “Like Doctor Hibbert. You know that strange doctor from
The Simpsons
?” Her eyes widen. “Not that
you’re
strange! He is! Doctor Hibbert, that is. You are
not
. I mean, you may be, but I don’t know you. Doctor Hibbert does that thing where he laughs at all the wrong times at things that aren’t funny, and it’s really awkward.” Julius looks down at her rambling self with a creased brow as if he’s not sure if she’s for real, and Lexi adds quietly, “Just like I’m making this conversation right now...” She trails off.

But Julius put her out of her misery with a grin, “I love
The Simpsons
. I still watch it to this day.”

And just like that, Lexi has found a kindred spirit. She smiles huge, “Me too! It’s my guilty pleasure. I don’t think there’s a life situation out there that doesn’t have a
Simpsons
line attached to it.”

I don’t get
The Simpsons
. I don’t really like watching TV. But I watch
The Simpsons
with Lexi. That way I can see her laugh. And I like to watch her laugh.

I butt in with, “I don’t get that show.”

Lexi shoots me a disgruntled look and opens her mouth to speak, but Julius cuts her off. “You don’t
have
to get anything, man. It’s stupid humor. Slapstick. It don’t gotta make sense.”

Lexi’s eyes turn dreamy as she looks up at Julius. “Exactly! That’s what makes it so funny!”

Julius laughs, “Damn, woman. You’re my type of chick.” Lexi blushes, and he laughs again, “So what’s your name, singing bird?”

Shit.

Lowering her eyes in embarrassment, she answers quietly, “Alexa Ballentine. But people call me Lexi. I’d like if you called me Lexi.”

Recognition causes his eyes to flash.
 

Dropping her hand a little too quickly, his eyes widen a moment before he looks down at her, forcing a smile, and says distantly, “Nice to meet you, Lexi. I hope to see you again. I was just on my way out and need a quick word with Twitch.” Her face falls at his sudden change in behavior and his obvious dismissal. Julius spots it and grins widely, “Work stuff, you know?”

Forcing a smile, she says with false cheer, “Yeah. I know. Speaking of which, I have to get back to it. So if you’ll excuse me.”

Soon as we’re back in my lounge room, he starts.

Turning, his eyes pin me down and hold me where I stand. “You are out of you ever-loving mind, brother.” The way he just said
brother
is like I am anything to him but that. “Please tell me you’re not goin’ through with this, man.” I don’t say a word. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. I see fear for Lexi shine brightly in his eyes. “She’s a nice girl, Twitch. She’s not what you’ve made her out to be in your fucked-up head. She’s not your enemy.” If any other person ever called me fucked up in the head, I’d pop ‘em right in the nose. Not even a joke. Pointing out to the door, he barks, “Look at her! She sings while she types! She talks about
The Simpsons
like they’re her religion! She doesn’t deserve it, man. Don’t do it.”

Looking all too bored, I reply, “Is that all,
brother
?”

Disappointment flashes on his face, but he covers it quickly. Standing, he looks at me indifferently. “Yeah. That’s all. I’m out.”

Then he’s gone.
 

Nope. I don’t like it.
 

This is the first disagreement I’ve had with Julius in years. It makes my gut churn. I don’t care about disappointing people. But Julius isn’t people.

He’s family.

I need to clear this up. Stat.

Standing, I make haste, rushing into the hall, down the steps, and out the front door. I catch him just as he steps into his silver Mercedes
Kompressor.
I call out, “Wait.”

Sitting, he closes the car door and lowers the window. “What?”

I don’t know what to say here. Julius knows me better than anyone. He’s had it worse than I have in a lot of ways, and even though he’s my friend, I was always jealous that he managed to keep it together when I couldn’t. I hated him for that for a long time. I’ve since made my peace with life.

“I love her.”

Staring straight ahead, I see his eyes flash with surprise. He looks ahead a long while before asking, “For reals love? Or I-like-fucking-her-so-much-that-I-think-it’s-love
love
?”

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I sigh. “The first one.”

“If you love her, you won’t hurt her.”

I scoff, “It’s bound to happen, don’t you think? She doesn’t know yet, Jay! She doesn’t know my name. She doesn’t know why I want her. She doesn’t even know I hired…” Shit. I can’t even say it.

He finishes my last sentence for me. “She doesn’t know you hired a man to violate her.”

Swallowing hard, I suddenly feel ill.

Approaching the car window, I kneel by the side and whisper, “I needed an in. It was the only way…”

Julius cuts me off. “No it wasn’t. You can’t make excuses for that shit, bro. He beat your girl. You arranged it. You have to live with it. Not me.”

Unable to conceal my rage, I punch the side of his car in both anger and fear. Anger at myself for what I let happen, and fear of losing her. I hate when he’s right. I hiss, “He was never meant to take it that far! That’s why he’s dead and she’s okay. Because I saved her!”

Julius looks at me through the disappointment lining his eyes, “Who you trying to convince, man? Me? Or you?”

With that, he takes his leave. And I’m left kneeling in the middle of my driveway, watching the silver Mercedes drive away.
 

Anxiety flows through me when I realize that cartook away my best friend.

And he may never come back.

Standing, I reach up and cross my arms behind my head while looking into the distance.

I’m a complete fuck-up.

Spending time at
Casa de Twitch
has not been as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.

I have a place where I can do my work, I have good company (when Ling isn’t around), and most of the time, it’s just me and Twitch hiding away in his bedroom.

That’s where the magic happens.

That’s where Twitch comes alive.

I love sex with Twitch, but…

Oh man, this is hard to admit.

But I miss the belt.

He doesn’t use it on me anymore. The sex is still rough, and he’s still very controlling, but it’s nowhere near how dark it was when we first met. And that first night…well…it set the tone of what I thought would come. And it did for a while. Alas, no more.

My poor vagina.

It misses the old Twitch as much as it loves the new Twitch.

A knock at my office door brings me back to the real world. “Come in.”

My eyes widen when the door opens and a familiar but very new face pops in. He smiles, “Hope I’m not disturbing you.”

I return his easy smile. “Not at all, Julius. How can I help you?”

Stepping in, he closes the door behind him and slowly looks around my office as he says, “You can help me, singing bird, by calling me Jay.”

Why is he here?

“Okay, Jay.”

Silence. Then he smirks, “Go on. Ask me why I’m here.”

I like this man. “But that would be rude.”

He counters, “Nuh uh. Rude is arrogance. Rude is feeling like you’re above people. Getting to the point of things ain’t rude, sugar. You’re sweet as pie. I know this and I only met you last night.”

A bright blush rises from my neck. “Th-thank you, Jay.”

After looking around my office, picking things up at random to examine, he sits in my guest chair with a sigh. “Twitch is my best friend. My best friend in the entire world. Known him a lifetime.”