Raven Stole the Moon (15 page)

Jenna didn’t learn many facts about Eddie. They didn’t talk about facts. She didn’t learn where he was from or how old he was or how long he’d been fishing. But she
did
learn that they both wanted more to hear what the other had to say than to speak. And so, their conversation about nothing was filled with giant holes of delicious silence. Silence that was so full of feeling that it could hardly be called silence at all. The evening had an organic quality, like a mountain brook flowing through the cool woods of spring. And yet they hid behind the wine. Perhaps hoping to wash away their past lives and confine themselves to the present moment; perhaps wanting to wash away the present in the hopes of returning to the past.

Then the wine was gone, and with it the feeling that they were protected from whatever it was that was trying to bring them back to reality. So there was only one thing they could do. They got in Eddie’s truck, an old blue Dodge parked by the side of the house, and made a road trip for wine.

The road trip was about a minute, to the package store down the block. Sitting in the truck, Jenna laughed to herself. A sixteen-year-old girl waiting for her high school sweetheart to score some booze with his older brother’s I.D. What a goof.

It was eleven o’clock, but the fact that it was just getting dark really hit Jenna as strange. There she was, in Alaska, drunk, waiting in a pickup for a guy she didn’t really know to get some wine, watching the beautiful blue sky turn a smoky purple color. She felt a little chill up her spine, and she really hoped that Eddie would get in the truck and put his hand on the back of her neck, lift her hair slightly and slip his warm hand behind there and scratch behind her ears, and then lean forward and kiss her with soft lips and a tongue that fit smoothly inside of her mouth. She looked out at the black water and the blacker hills of Elephant’s Nose and the sky that was a hundred million miles deep, and she closed her eyes and breathed the air that smelled of fall and fireplaces, and she felt, for the first time ever, that it was okay that Bobby died because maybe she had a life to go on with after all, and while it wouldn’t be a life with Bobby, it could still be a life. And maybe that had been her problem the whole time: she never really believed that she had a life that was livable without him.

Eddie walked out of the store and headed toward the truck and Jenna wanted it to continue. She was sending a psychic vibe like you wouldn’t believe. She was bombarding him with her desire, but her face read nothing. This is a test.

He got in the truck and in the bag were two double bottles of some kind of Chardonnay and a pack of Camel Lights. And do you know what he did? He reached his hand up and slid it under Jenna’s hair behind her neck and he kissed her lightly. And she said to herself, I
rule
. I am the god of hellfire and brimstone! I’m your Venus, I’m your fire, it’s your desire.

Eddie pulled away quickly.

“Sorry.”

She wanted to ask why, what for, but she knew it wasn’t right, it wasn’t the time, they hardly know each other, they couldn’t . . .

“I couldn’t resist,” he said and he started the truck and pulled it onto the street. “You were so beautiful sitting there looking out at the water.”

She looked over at him and smiled.

“I watched you through the window of the store. I watched you and I knew I had to kiss you. But that’s bad.”

“Why?” Jenna asked, almost whispering.

“You’re married,” he said, holding up his left hand and showing it to her. There was no ring on it, but there was a ring on hers. She turned the ring silently, looking at it. She looked up at Eddie and shrugged. He didn’t say anything.

They pulled into the driveway next to his house and he turned off the engine. They sat in the quiet truck and looked straight ahead into the woods. Eddie took the cigarettes out of the bag and tapped the top of the pack on the back of his hand and took one out. Jenna asked for one and he handed it to her.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” Eddie said.

“I used to.” Jenna smiled. “When I was in high school.”

Eddie lit the cigarettes and they smoked in the car outside his house.

“If I had a corkscrew, I would open one of these bottles and we could sit here all night,” he offered.

“We could sit here all night, anyway.”

He looked at her.

“We might get cold.”

“Yeah,” Jenna said, “and I have to go to the bathroom.”

Eddie laughed.

“See? Sometimes you think you’re in a movie and it will go on forever, but then you have to go to the bathroom, and you know it’s not a movie.”

Jenna smiled. “If you don’t have any popcorn in that house, you’re in big trouble.” And she opened the door and got out of the truck.

J
ENNA AND
E
DDIE
fell through the front door like a couple of kids, stumbling and giggling. Oscar, who had been sleeping on the couch, pricked up his ears and cocked his head inquisitively. Jenna stopped short in the middle of the room as Eddie set the wine on the kitchen counter. Jenna stopped short because she saw a blinking light on the answering machine that was on the table next to the couch. A seemingly innocent, small, red diode on a black box. A red flame that burned into Jenna’s head like a hot coal. The flashing light, setting off a chain reaction of electrical impulses that ran wildly through Jenna’s brain with one final and critical result: I didn’t call Robert.

Jenna stood, staring at the blinking light as if it were a hypnotic beacon from her past life. Her past life that had seemed so small and remote moments ago. Eddie was busy in the kitchen. Jenna heard a cardboard box open and something slide out. A sealed door open and close. The beeping of a touch pad. Then the humming of a fan exhausting microwaves from a small box. The answering machine continued to call attention to itself. Blink, blink. Like a throbbing blood vessel that was about to burst. The rustling of a paper bag. A drawer opening and closing. A cork being pulled from a bottle. Kiss-pop. And the smell of fresh wine mixing with the air. Thoughts rushing through her brain. Kiss-pop. A bottle of champagne. A fire. Jenna, reclining on kilim pillows, her toes freshly painted. Robert padding toward her, naked, save for two glasses of champagne. Drinking and laughing. Kissing with hot tongues. If you want a boy, eat carrots and orange-colored squashes. Robert kneeling, stroking the small of her back. If you want a boy, do it late. He slipped in, quietly and comfortably. They rocked back and forth until he came inside of her. It worked. They named their son Robert.

“You all right?” Eddie asked, holding two glasses of wine. Jenna looked at him nervously, desperately.

“You have a message.”

He looked at the machine. “No, it’s broken. It always blinks. Something’s wrong with it.” He looked closer and saw Jenna’s agitation. “What’s wrong?”

She felt dizzy and tired. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples with her fingers.

“I don’t think I need any more wine.”

Eddie nodded and put the glasses on the kitchen table.

“Yeah, maybe you’d better get some sleep.”

He put his arm around her shoulder and guided her to her bedroom. She stopped before going in the door.

“I need to make a phone call. Can I use your phone?”

“Of course.”

“I’ll use my calling card so you won’t have to worry about paying for it.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to. Whatever.”

They stood silently in the hallway. Jenna looked down at the floor and leaned forward, pressing her head against Eddie’s chest.

“I have to call.”

He patted her on the arm with a friendly pat. A friend pat.

“I know.”

“Do you know who I’m calling?”

“I can guess.”

She nodded, her head still pressed against him.

“My life’s a mess.”

“No, it isn’t.” Confident. Reassuring.

She laughed. “Yes . . . yes, it is. If you get to know me better, you’ll soon find out. My life is a real mess.”

He lifted her head softly by slipping his hand under her chin. They looked into each other’s eyes and Eddie smiled.

“At least you have two arms.”

“Yeah, that’s a point. At least I have two arms.”

She sat on the couch and dialed access numbers and codes until the phone rang on the other end. Eddie brought her a white bag of microwave popcorn and a glass of water, both of which she took willingly. She waved good-night as Robert answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

Jenna didn’t have much planned after that. She could hear Robert shake himself awake. She looked at the clock and saw that it was midnight. The time change made it one o’clock in Seattle. Eddie’s footsteps got quieter as they walked down the hall. A door closed.

“Sorry it’s so late. Did I wake you up?”

“No. I mean, yeah, but that’s okay. You can wake me up.”

The line was silent. Robert was, no doubt, wondering what the parameters of the conversation would be. He was afraid to talk until Jenna let him know he could. He was a hostage to her demands. She was in control.

“Sorry I didn’t call earlier.”

“Me, too.”

“I’m sorry about this whole thing.”

“Jenna, I have to tell you, you really caught me by surprise. I mean, I know things have been a little rough, but I never thought you’d just take off.”

“Me, neither.”

“But, why?”

She took a drink of the water.

“I’m looking for answers.”

“Answers to what? You know that I love you.”

“How strong is that love?”

“What does that mean?”

“It doesn’t mean anything. It’s a question.”

“How do I quantify that? You’re my wife. I chose to spend the rest of my life with you. In sickness or in health, remember? You’re my chosen partner. I love you.”

“But how
strong
is that love, Robert? What are you willing to give up for it? How far are you willing to go? Or if it gets too rough, are you going to give it up?”

“What are you talking about? You won’t even tell me why you left. I don’t even know what the problem is, here. What am I
willing
to give up? What do you
want
me to give up? Do you want me to drop everything and come to you? Fine. Tell me where you are and I’ll get on the next plane. What kind of question is that? Am I going to give it up? How could you ask that? You must really hate me.”

“No, Robert—”

“Seriously. I’m really hurt by that. I haven’t given up on anything. It’s been
two years
since Bobby died and you’re still walking around in a daze. And
I’ve
been with you. I’ve been
very
patient. I’ve stood by you through thick and thin. Don’t talk to
me
about giving up.
You’re
the one who’s given up.
You’re
the one who ran away.”

“Robert—”

“I’ve been there. I’ve stood by you.”

Silence for a moment. Then, Jenna, softly but with an edge.

“Yeah, you stood by me, Robert. You stood by me real good.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

More silence. Hard, cold silence. Jenna left his question hanging in the cold telephone cables that lay silently on the ocean floor. She put a couple of pieces of popcorn in her mouth.

“You’re eating?”

“It’s just popcorn.”

Robert groaned.

“This sucks. I can’t do this on the phone, Jenna. If you want to come back and try to work this through, I guarantee you that I will do whatever I can to help us through this. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll hire the most expensive psychiatrist I can find—”

“I don’t want another psychiatrist!”

Robert laughed. “That’s the first time I’ve heard you say
that
.”

Jenna verged on tears of frustration. She lashed out. “Fuck you!”

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that,” Robert said sharply.

“Yeah? Well, pretend I didn’t say it twice. Fuck you.”

Nothing but breathing for thirty seconds.

“This is incredible.” Robert forced out a laugh. “You still haven’t told me why you left.”

“I left because I hate myself and because
you
hate me. I may be able to get over hating myself one day. But I’ll never be able to get over it if you’re there hating me. I can’t take the pressure of it. When I look at you, I see in your eyes the hatred you feel.”

“I do not.”

“Don’t lie about it, Robert! I can
feel
it! I’m not stupid. We probably should have broken up right afterward. We’re like
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Staying together so we can torture each other about our dead son.”

“Jenna,
stop
it.” Stern and angry. How to get a disobedient dog to obey. Stern, sharp command. Quick hand gesture. Jenna,
sit
.

“No, Robert, no. It’s torture. It is. We both know it. I can’t do it anymore.”

Robert sighed.

“You can’t do it anymore? Does that mean you’re not coming back?”

Jenna rubbed her nose.

“It means that I’m going to try to stop hating myself. And when I do, I’ll come back. And if you can stop hating me, too, then we can start our new life together. But if you can’t stop hating me, then we’ll start our new life apart.”

“There’s kind of an ultimatum attached to that.”

“Dig down deep in your heart, Robert, and if you find love for me, bring it up. But if you find nothing, it would be best for both of us if we called it off.”

There was a long pause. Long enough for Jenna to drink almost half the glass of water. Then, Robert.

“Call me soon.”

Jenna hung up the phone and took several deep breaths. She looked down at Oscar, still sleeping next to her on the couch. She stroked his head and flipped on the TV with the remote. She channeled around until she found the E! Channel. Even in Alaska. And she settled back, hoping that sleep would come to her soon.

O
SCAR WOKE UP
Jenna with his scratching at the front door. Jenna had no idea what time it was, but the lights were off and she was covered with a blanket. Eddie must have checked in on her after she had fallen asleep. The TV was still on, though the volume was down, and the bright screen filled the room with blue light.