Rarity (9 page)

Chapter 12

“Brogen, are you ok?”  Meg called my phone as soon as I got home.

“No.  I couldn’t keep my shit together to find out why he’s been blowing me off.  I just told him I want out of his life,”  I yelled.  I was still mad and couldn’t lower my voice.

“I know, he told me.”

“Wait, you talked to him?  What the hell?”  I couldn’t believe Meg and Jay spoke.  I was sure Jay and Becca were going to head to her lair for a romp in the sack after school.

“Well, he just kinda found me on the walk home and approached me.  He seemed pretty frustrated.  I gave him your number.”

“You WHAT?!  Why did you do that?”  I demanded.

“I don’t know!  He wanted your address and I didn’t think you’d want to see him.  He’s persistent.  I made him settle for your number,”  I sighed.  I didn’t think I could face him again.  “Brogan, I’m sorry.  He said you were upset.  What happened between you two?  What did you say to him?  You two were so tight after he saved you.  I thought you wanted to see if you guys could work things out?”

“I know. I did want that.  But he’s chosen Becca - I can’t compete.  And I won’t be waiting on the side if she dumps him.”

“Listen, do me a favor...if he calls you, keep an open mind and listen to him.  I don’t think he wants to lose you.” 

“Then why does he keep pushing me away and running toward Becca?”

“He doesn’t give a crap about Becca.  Do they seem close to you?  Do you think he has confided in her and not you?”

“No,”  I said in a small voice.  I hadn’t thought about it like that.  Whatever was going on between Becca and Jay was strictly physical, anyone could see that.  She may have wanted more, but he didn’t share that with her.  “Fine, I’ll be open minded.”

Meg and I hung up.  My phone fell from my hands onto the ground.  I kicked it away with my foot out of frustration.  It landed next to my drawing journal.  I felt compelled to thumb through the journal before I finished it - break the rules. Page one was dated June 5th.  It was black and white with pictures of various birds.  Some were on branches others had taken flight in the sky.  I looked through countless drawings throughout the summer timeframe - all very peaceful.  Many were of plants, flowers, and tiny insects.  There were occasional sayings or poems written in the margin.  All black and white.  As school approached, my drawings were drawn with a heavier, bolder line and seemed more anxious.  How fitting.  I continued thumbing through and found a page with a colored butterfly.  Everything else was black and white - but the butterfly was so vivid.  I checked the date.  It was the day I returned to school after the accident.  The day that Jay had kissed me, the day we had lunch together.  I turned page after page and each of the following pages had color on them.   All of them!  I gasped and the journal fell to the floor.

What had changed?  I  never consciously decided which pencil to draw with.  The same jar of pencils of all colors sat on my desk where I mindlessly let my emotions out on paper.  Was it  the accident that changed me, or Jay?   I grabbed the book again and thumbed to the last few entries.  They still had color in them but there was more black and white.  I looked for the day Jay went to the doctor and I had the panic attack - black, black, black.  Scribbling and chaos.  It wasn’t the accident.  It was Jay.  Somehow I tuned into his energy and it came through in my drawings.  I couldn’t believe the difference in what I drew.  I was pulled from my thoughts by my phone ringing.  “Unknown number”.

I took a deep breath, tucked my journal in my bedside table and answered my phone.  “Hello?”  There was a pause.

“Brogen, don’t hang up.” It was Jay.  “Listen, I need to talk to you, can I come over?”  I didn’t want to see him.  It’s easier to push someone away on the phone.  “Please, I promise I’ll explain what’s been going on.  But I need to do it in person.”  I desperately wanted to know what had changed our relationship - but my heart begged for a reprieve from sadness. Did I want him to confess that he was in love with Becca to my face?  It might crush me.  Unfortunately my mouth betrayed me and rattled off my address.  Jay didn’t even say goodbye, he just hung up.  Seven minutes later the doorbell rang.  His cheeks were pink from the frigid air and he was hopping about to keep warm. I didn’t invite him inside.

“Thanks for letting me come over.”  This was not some playdate.   I wanted him to get on with it and get out of here...let me get on with my life. 

“What did you want to say?” No pussy-footing around.  He rubbed his hand through his hair contemplating how to word his speech.

“I guess the most important thing I need you to know is that I’m sorry.  I never wanted to drag you into drama.  I never meant to hurt you.  Honestly.  When I took out the garbage that night and heard the dog growling at you, I just wanted to help.”  He shook his head like it was a mistake that he couldn’t seem to get rid of.  “I didn’t think about what would happen between us.  That dog was gonna’ attack, I had to help.”  Hearing Jay reflect back on that night made me feel bad for snapping at him and turning my back on him.  He had saved me, for that I’ll always be grateful.

“Come in.  You’ll catch your death out there.”  Jay smiled a half smile and stepped inside.  He kicked off his shoes and shrugged off his coat.  I motioned for him to sit on one end of the couch while I sat opposite him.  I didn’t say anything to him. The silence was deafening.

“I can’t really tell you what’s going on.  Not yet.  I’m trying to figure some stuff out.”  He leaned forward and shoved his hands into his hair in frustration.

“I wish you could just tell me.  It’s frustrating to see you bothered by something and not know what it is.”

“I’m sorry.  I just feel like my life is like a runaway train barreling toward a cliff.  I have no control and it’s just gonna’ end in disaster.”  He looked sad.

“At least you have Becca to lean on.”  (Ladies and Gentlemen, the nice version of Brogen is taking a timeout, while the Bitch has been unleashed.)  He turned toward me in shock.  “I bet she’s great at making guys forget their problems.” I crossed my arms over my chest - defensive body language.  I couldn’t help it.  I was nice.  I was willing to share this burden with him - but he pushed me away and chose Becca - and I was hurt and pissed.  And apparently I was gonna’ let him know about it.

“What the hell Brogen?  Are you jealous or just a bitch?”  He waited for an answer but I think he already knew it.  He squared his shoulders and faced me.   “First, it’s none of your business what happens  between Becca and me.  You and me...honestly, I don’t know what we are.  Friends?  Damsel in distress and knight in shining armor?  Classmates?  Nothing?”  That last one stung, it was a suggestion, but it hurt.  “ I just don’t know.  I’m not sure about anything anymore.  Not sure why I’m here.”  The last words were said so quietly. He stood and walked toward the door.  “So, I’m really sorry you got pulled into all of this. I never meant for you to get hurt.  Probably best to keep your distance from me because I’m not sure it’s over yet.”  He opened the door and headed out without looking back.  I sat on the couch unable to move. My heart hurt and I felt the tears falling down.  Mom was beside me suddenly. We sat for so long and Mom stroked my hair till I felt calmer.

“Who was that boy and what was he doing here?”  She asked.

“Why are you  home?”

“Cancellations.  Tell me about that boy?”

“That’s Jay, rabid dog party Jay.  He basically exited my life tonight.”  I looked up at my mom and she looked spooked.  “What?  Why do you look like that?”

“Umm, I just didn’t realize that was THE Jay, the one that saved you.  What do you mean he exited your life?”  She asked.

“He said his life is going crazy right now and he’s really confused.  I tried to reach out to him but he pushed me away and turned toward Becca. I thought we had a connection - I thought I was opening up and letting him in,”  the sobs began and Mom held me tight.

“I’m so sorry sweetie.”  I was ready for one of her psychologically based lectures on emotions and teen boys, but it never came.

“What?  No 10 minute lecture on guys?  What’s going on?  Are you ok?”  I wiped the tears away and looked at my mom.  She looked like she was holding her tongue.  “Come on Mom.  No secrets.”  She sighed and then sat back against the couch.

“Has Jay told you anything about his life?”

“Umm, a little.  I know why he’s living with his aunt and uncle. Why?”  I paused, Mom looked so uneasy. “What’s this about?  You’re kind of freakin’ me out.”

“Jay started coming to me as a patient a few weeks ago.  You are NOT to repeat this.”  She waited for me to nod.  “He has a lot that he’s dealing with, more than any teen should have to deal with.”

I looked at Mom waiting for her to spill the beans but she was silent again.  “MOM!  You can’t bait me with that and leave me hanging!”

“I can’t tell you honey. It’s his right to privacy, it’s his story to tell.  Telling you he’s my patient was already too much.”

“I won’t tell, you know that.”  It was true.  I was a trustworthy kid, if I said it, I meant it.

“I do.  And because I know that AND because I know what kind of person you are...I think you need to be a friend to him now more than ever.”  I looked at her eyes and mine were filling with tears again.

“He doesn’t want me Mom.  He has Becca and his cousin.  He came over to apologize and leave my life.”  Mom was shaking her head no.  Why did she want this?  Didn’t she realize how painful it would be for me?  I didn’t want to be rejected, I didn’t want the drama.  “Mom, what the hell!  Don’t use me as a pawn in your therapy.”

“Brogen, I’m not.  You are empathic, kind and bright, an amazing friend.  I couldn’t pick a better person to be in Jay’s life right now.  And just because he said those things...I’m gonna’ bet that he’d appreciate you being in his life in whatever way you are capable.  You, Brogen, have the gift to make Jay’s life a little brighter during this hard time.”

“Boy, you’d make a great greeting card writer.”  How could I say no to that.  “Ok, I’ll try.  No promises though and be prepared to pick up the broken pieces of my heart.”

“Good girl.  I love you.”  Mom said and planted a kiss on my head.  I was grateful my mom was still alive to reassure me and kiss me when I needed it.  Jay’s mom was no longer around to do those things for him.  I bet it was hard not having that parental support when things were tough. 

Chapter 13

Sitting in my old 4 door used car, I checked how I looked in the mirror, thinking of a way to convince Jay to come have a coffee with me.  Fifteen minutes later I managed to start my car and head toward Jay’s house.  I needed to get brave fast.  I fidgeted
with the stereo in hopes to find something loud and angry on the radio.  The local college station played random bands and they had a very heavy song playing.  I adjusted the volume and looked up in time to see Jay tapping my driver’s side window with the Sunday paper that had just been on the driveway. Busted.  I rolled down the window.  “Hey sexy paperboy, come have a coffee with me.”  His eyebrows raised straight up at this.  It was so unlike me to say something like that but I needed to bridge the gap.

He paused a moment to consider his move. 

“You have a thing for paperboys, huh?”  Rather than rolling his eyes at me - he played the banter game right with me.  This was a great sign. 

“Jay, put down that sexy accessory and come have a coffee with me.”

He looked down at the paper in his hands, “Boy, you are forward today.  I’m not used to a girl taking the first step - it’s kinda’ hot.”  He smiled up at me and I shivered.

“Come on.  I promise I won’t keep you long.”  He was hesitating, debating whether he should come with me.  Then he jogged up to the front of the house, tossed the paper in and shouted something to the people in the house.  He climbed into the passenger seat a minute later. 

“So, since you are asking ME out, does that mean you are treating?”  I turned toward him and smiled.

“Absolutely.”  I felt the zings in my chest from being in close proximity to him.  He was gorgeous.  He had strong cheekbones and the slight shadowing under his eyes made the hazel color of his irises more brilliant. 

“Mind if I adjust the heat?  It’s kinda cold out.”  I shook my head. The warm air blowing directed his scent my way.  It reminded me of fresh breeze on a sunny day.

The local coffee joint was a five minute drive from Jay’s house.  Inside it’s a cozy rustic shop  including wood floors, mustard yellow walls, brick accents, indie artists’ paintings lining the walls, high ceilings, and comfy nooks to cuddle in.  It was the backdrop to the most divine smell of fresh brewed coffee.  Jay and I ordered drinks and a pastry and I was good to my word and treated him.  We sat in a quiet corner where two comfy chairs resided with a side table between them.

“So,” I began,  “I like having you in my life.  We were kind of thrown together thanks to Cujo and I do NOT believe I like you because I feel indebted to you.”  He listened to me intently.  “I’ve decided, you may not exit my life….not gonna’ happen.”  I shook  my head.  “I don’t care if Becca and you are an item,  I will tolerate the drama.”

“Wait, wait, wait….what’s changed?  I thought you were done.”  He asked. He looked hopeful but cautious. Good question.  How should I phrase this...’
My mom says you need a good friend/I still like you/I have multiple personalities and that was my evil personality coming out
.’ 

I settled upon, “It hurt too much to have you walk away the other night.  You’ve become a big part of my life.  I don’t know what happened to make things go sour between us, but I need us to at least be friends.  I need you in my life.”  He smiled, a genuine, almost thankful smile.

“God, I’m so damn happy you said that.  It killed me to think that crap was happening to you because of knowing me.  And...my life kinda sucks without you too.  Life is just so complicated.  Some days it takes everything just to get out of bed each morning.  I started seeing a shrink to try and help me keep my head straight.  Can you believe that?“  He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe it, but I could, because I already knew this.

“Is it helping?”

“I think so.  I probably wouldn’t be back at school if it wasn’t.  My aunt made me go after I refused to attend school that one week. The shrink seems nice, she’s like my mom’s age, or what she would have been if she was still alive.”  I felt bad that Jay was missing his mom.

“That must be so hard to not have your mom around.”

“Yeah...or Dad,”  he reminded me.  That was a lot to handle.  I nodded and placed my hand over his knee. 

“Sorry Jay. “

“The shrink is gonna’ help me break some news to my dad.   I’m not sure what he’ll do when he hears it.  Just hoping he’s strong enough to handle it, but I’m afraid it might challenge his sobriety.  We meet next week.”  Jay rubbed his hands through his hair.  “I’m scared.  I don’t want to lose him.  I need him now more than ever but he became a broken man when my mom passed.”  I just listened, I had no idea what he was going through.  I had my mom’s warm arms to wrap around me when times got tough and I could care less about my dad.  “The shrink keeps telling me how I am dealing with a lifetime of drama within a short time.  But, I don’t want this.  I didn’t chose this.  Friggin’ sucks.”

“No, you didn’t chose it.  Hopefully the other people in your life are supportive and can help fill in the gaps when needed.”  I patted his knee, ”I promise I’ll be here for you if you ever need me.”

“No offense Brogen, but I hate leaning on others.  Hate it.  I had a great life and then Mom died and it all changed.  Thank you though, for offering me your support.”  He took a drink from his mug, “And for the coffee.”

“Anything for a sexy paperboy.”   I may have joked about his sexiness, though he WAS sexy - but I’d be happy just to build our friendship back. “Let’s get out of here.”  Jay and I left and headed to the car.  The conversation back to his house was light and fun. He seemed like his old self. 

“I had a lot of fun.  You’ll have to treat me to coffee again sometime,”  he teased.

“You can ask me too...the door swings both ways buddy.”  Jay winked at me, and gave  me a hug.  I waved and put the car in reverse.  This was a huge positive step in rekindling of our friendship.

At home I found Mom on the couch watching a comedy on Netflix and knitting a blanket.  She looked eager for news on how it went.  I took off my jacket and set on the couch next to her and began watching the movie, acting as if nothing important happened today.  She nudged me hard, “Spill it!  You’ll drive me mad with curiosity.”  I laughed and said “Sorry, patient-doctor policy.”

“Ugh!”

“Alright, alright.”  I told my mom some of the details.  She seemed pleased with what I told her and didn’t push me further.

“It appears this friendship is not just something HE needs, but you as well.  You seem so much happier.”  I felt happier.  I needed to make us work.  Jay changed me and I was better off with him in my life.  And if drama was the fee I needed to pay...then I guess I had to pay up. That night I stored my sketch journal and brought out a new one.  I usually filled every page before starting a new one, but since I looked at the pages, I didn’t feel right continuing in it.  Besides, Jay and I were having a fresh start, what better way to document it than with a fresh sketch journal?

Monday morning I told Meg all about my weekend and she couldn’t stop grinning.  “So how are you going to manage this with Becca?  I mean, she’s a bit territorial.  The shits gonna’ fly.”

I laughed at Meg’s saying.  “I haven’t thought that far ahead.”  I opened my locker and a folded note slipped out.  I opened it and read it.

-Brogen,

Coffee was awesome, pastry was great.  But the company was even better.  Thursday for a repeat? 

-S.P.

317-555-6671

“Who the flip is S.P.?”  Meg asked.

“I think
it’s Jay, but I don’t get the S.P. part.”  I folded it up and shoved the note in my back jeans pocket.  “Ha!  Just got it….S.P…..sexy paperboy.”  Meg looked puzzled.  “ I’ll explain at lunch.”  We parted ways for first period.   I was one of the first to arrive in Algebra so I took my usual seat in the back corner of the room.  I took out my phone and began searching the calendar to see if Thursday was open for coffee.

“This seat taken?”  I shook my head, not looking up.  The teacher entered and ordered all phones to be stored away.  Can I borrow a pencil?”  The same voice asked.  I handed my pencil to the voice while finding Thursday.  I was free!  “Sorry again, can I borrow some paper?”

“Yeah, but honestly - come to class with your stuff next time.”  I turned to see Jay sitting there with a big smile on his face waiting for a pencil.

“What are you doing here?  Your spot is over there.”  I reminded him.

“I know.  Kinda’ don’t care about assigned seats today.  Feels pretty freakin’ liberating.”  I chuckled and passed him the paper.

“No chewing or sucking on my pencil.”

“Brogen, does math always make you talk dirty?”  He winked and I gave him a small shove. I laughed him off.  The teacher took roll and made no remark of Jay sitting in a different seat.  Unfortunately, Jay’s close proximity meant I didn’t get much out of class because Jay passed notes with me most of the hour.  Most of our notes were just friendly banter, but I did agree to the Thursday coffee.  When Jay was busy writing I tried to get a better read on his medic alert bracelet.  All I could make out was, “Fragile: Treat as Trauma”, I couldn’t get the right angle to see the rest.  After class, Jay continued bantering with me all the way to my locker.  Feeling eyes on me, I turned and saw Becca glaring.  I knew Becca did not miss any of Jay’s purposeful actions and I’d be the one to pay for it.