Randal Telk and the 396 Steps to Sexual Bliss (3 page)

“
Hold still
,
human pestilence female,
”
ordered Invisible-Claw, touching a glowing wand to Ceausescu
’
s buttocks. A sizzle and puff of smoke from burnt flesh, and it was done. Invisible-Claw smacked her with his claw.
“
Now the Legion cannot track you. Resistance is futile!
”

“
Ouch!
”
cried Ceausescu.
“
I wasn
’
t being naughty. How dare you slap me. Don
’
t ever do that again! I mean it. Don
’
t do it again. Not ever! I
’
m warning you!
”

“
The Fist and Claw does not torture prisoners, unlike your human pestilence Legion.
”

“
What kind of wimpy terrorists are you?
”
asked Ceausescu, disappointed again.
“
Not even one more slap? It didn
’
t even hurt. Punk!
”

“
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,
”
retorted Invisible-Claw.
“
I cannot be provoked.
”

“
I
’
ll bet you
’
ve got a puny dick, too!
”

“
Do not.
”

“
Do too!
”

The other terrorists nodded in agreement. Furious, Invisible-Claw swatted Ceausescu again on her ample buttocks. Delighted, Ceausescu drifted into the same daydreaming psychosis as her husband Randal Telk, the world
’
s greatest lover and perfecter of the three-hundred-ninety-six steps to sexual bliss.
They say, in time couples grow more alike. Or is that is just pets
and their owners
?
Which one am I?

* * * * *

I am Randal
Telk
’
s mistress, Yolanda, and I demand submission. Now! I wear black leather because it goes well with my whips. I have a flock of male slaves who beg to serve my every need. Those who behave, I allow to lick my boots. I am also a secret agent. If not for me, humanity would have been extinct long ago. My control over inferior males allows me to save the world from their stupidity. Women are jealous of my beauty and talent, but that
’
s their problem. Get over it!

I
was
meeting with the President. The man
always
want
ed
me to ride him like a horse, make him feel even more small and worthless. Odd duck. Being a
former
lawyer and ambulance chaser, the fool should
already
have
fe
lt
worthless enough.
What
’
s a women to do?
He
wa
s the President, so I ha
d
to do what he sa
id
. Always, no matter what.

The Secret Service knew better than to ask stupid questions about weapons, or to search me.
They never search me, damn it!
I walked into the Oval Office like I owned the dump. Same old carpet, same old crappy paintings of dead guys. The President sat behind his desk, trying to look all presidential, but I knew he was just a scared little boy in my presence. That naughty boy who stole my panties last time
wa
s going to get spanked.

“
H
ave you been bad
a bad president
? Started any wars lately? Budget still unbalanced? Still blaming the last president for your inadequacies? Get on your knees!
”

I
grabbed the President by those famous
huge
ears, bringing that bad boy to
me
...

* * * * *

“
Wake up!
”
shouted Invisible-Claw, shaking Ceausescu.
“
Are you in pain? You were moaning.
”

“
Christ, you really can fuck up a wet dream! Of course I was moaning, I was about to get screwed by the President. Can you say that?
”

“
President Miller?
”

“
No, you fool. Brother Barack!
”

“
No big deal. The database news reports your human pestilence president screws everyone.
”

“
Only at tax time.
”

“
I see.
”

“
Don
’
t ever interrupt my dreams again!
”
admonished Ceausescu, trying to drift off again, but not succeeding in getting it right. She kept finding herself getting screwed by a geriatric Supreme Court
– the entire court
. Not pleasant. Those flapping black robes were creepy.
“
Damn it! Are you going to torture me or what?
”

Chapter 3

We followed Corporal Ceausescu
’
s tracking device along the DMZ canal until it stopped broadcasting. Our small window for rescue closed. Now we needed to negotiate or rely on informants. I ordered Jimmy the Neck and his associates released so they could contact their sources. Goodwill can go a long way.

As we crossed a small bridge back into USGF territory, a roadside bomb exploded, collapsing the bridge and scattering the column. Legionnaires dispersed into a protective perimeter as we took machine gun fire from a nearby hill. Air support was already on its way.

Private Telk slid down the canal for cover, coming to rest in the water. How ironic, up to his waist in water, in the middle of the desert. Telk hugged the steep bank, clawing at the clay
. “I hate water!” he lamented. “So much water...” His voice drif
t
ed as he floated further from reality, obviously succumbing to another of his incessant psychotic episodes...

* * * * *

Randal Telk loved the ocean and the fresh taste of salt on his lips. A diver all his life, at the tender age of nine Telk shattered the World Free Diving Record at a depth of ninety-six meters. Free diving d
id
n
’
t use any form of stored air, and Telk put his diving skill to good use. Telk grew up in a traditional Romanian household of sponge poachers. Their nightly activity was to dive for sponges off the Greek coast. The best sponges were deep in Greek waters.

When Telk was eleven, that Greek cop Kalipetsis arrested his father for sponge poaching, a capital offense in Greek waters. Dad was never seen or heard from again. Too young to go into the other family business, pimping, Telk emigrated to the United States to become a master diver.

At age eighteen, Telk joined the Navy. He noticed Navy scuba divers were trained to always fall backward out of the boat into the water.
Why? Duh, if you fall forward you
’
ll still be in the boat.
Telk soon learned there
’
s the right way, the wrong way, and the Navy way.

Telk
’
s first assignment was to strap bombs to orcas and dolphins, training them to sink enemy gunboats and tangle Russian fish nets. Telk tired of that job, preferring deep water dives with specially trained squids. Squids
turned out to be
smarter than they look
ed, although
prone to fits of laughter.
Telk learned the hard way n
ever
to
turn
his
back on a squid. Their favorite joke
wa
s to
‘
accidentally
’
slip a tentacle up your ass.
Squid humor isn
’
t really funny.
Stupid squids.

On one such accident, Telk lost air pressure and sank to the depths of the sea. His world went dark. However, strong arms pulled him up. Had those dumb-ass squids saved him? Not likely. Yolanda, the most beautiful mermaid in the ocean, her lovely arms cradling Telk, breathed life back into him.

Thankful, Telk rewarded Yolanda in true Navy tradition. Despite the cold water and a serious shrivel factor, Telk taught Yolanda the three-hundred-ninety-six steps to sexual bliss. Afterward, they were inseparable, swimming the oceans together, their love affair gossiped about by orcas and scandalized by dolphins. Neptune himself was jealous of the mere mortal Randal Telk fooling around with his mermaids, especially because Telk refused to give up the secret of the three-hundred-ninety-six steps to sexual bliss. So profound was Telk
’
s reputation, after he visited the Virgin Islands, they were known merely as
‘
The Islands.
’

* * * * *

“
Telk!
”
shouted Master Sergeant Green, pulling him from the water.
“
Wake up! Are you trying to drown yourself carrying all that equipment? Snap out of it and get that pack off!
”

“
I hate the water,
”
groused Private Telk.
“
My boots slosh with mud.
”

“
Pair off in groups of three!
”
ordered Sergeant Green.
“
Move it! Get up that hill!
”

Legion jets flew low overhead, bombing the hillside. The battle ended as quickly as it started. The Fist and Claw fled, with no trace of the fair Elena.

Chapter 4

As soon as I released Jimmy the Neck, he was quick to set up his own casino in New Gobi City, not even bothering to apply for a business license.
That bastard!
His casino was a low
-
class dump, just a pre-fab steel box of a building packed with slots and gaming tables.
A lot of disgruntled gamblers left my casinos to try their luck at a mob joint.
Ha!
Lots of luck with that.

* * * * *

Jimmy
the Neck
met with Private Telk to discuss clues to finding Elena.
Telk downloaded recent photos, but became more depressed as he talked to Jimmy.
The all
-
powerful Mafia did not seem so all powerful if Jimmy
the Neck
was the best they
had
.
Telk hoped for the Mafia
’
s A-team, not this pencil
-
neck fool.

“
I
’
ve got snitches on both sides of the DMZ watching for Elena,
”
promised Jimmy
the Neck
.
“
Don
’
t worry, we
’
ll get your wife back.
I
’
ve posted a reward.
Someone out there knows something and will talk.
”

“
Can
’
t you threaten the Fist and Claw?
”
asked Telk.
“
Bring in muscle, heavy hitters from New Memphis?
Make them an offer they can
’
t refuse?
”

“
Money is power, young man.
We
’
ve gone corporate.
I can
’
t just go around threatening people and spiders.
I have assets.
Do you think I want to get sued?
”

“
Who would be stupid enough to sue the Mafia?
Just whack them!
”

“
Goodwill is the key to success,
”
explained Jimmy
the Neck
patiently.
“
For example, when I get Elena back safely, you will owe me.
”

“
But I don
’
t have any money,
”
replied Telk, alarmed.
“
How can I pay you?
”